Week 4 Results

A perfect week of picks… well, besides the one game I forgot to go back to on Sunday morning and THE ONE TIE GAME! This season seems like each week has a theme and this week’s theme was close games. After weeks of 50 point blowouts, this week saw mostly hotly contested matchups throughout the league and no team dipped below 95 points!

GAME OF THE WEEK
COLIN vs GRANT - PICK: COLIN / WINNER: TIE
This was certainly the game of the week as it ended in a 104.8 tie. Grant got UK’d as he didn’t swap out an injured Keenan Allen before the London game started. Colin benched his guy Khalil Shakir, who could have given him the win. We’ll have to wait to see if there are any stat corrections to see if my Colin prediction can come to fruition.

UPSET OF THE WEEK
DEREK vs RAHUL - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: RAHUL
The Gentleman called it! Injury luck kind of worked out in Rahul’s favor this week. I mean, yeah, Saquon got hurt again and then Tank Bigsby went down but Derek had two starters - Chase and Love - go down to help cement the Upset of the Week and, sadly, brings an end to the best name in the league.

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK
THE GENTLEMAN vs. ERIC - PICK: ERIC / WINNER: ERIC
I said Eric would win if Justin Jefferson was out and so he did. Although I’m not sure J Jetta would have helped me this week and Eric launched into the Top 9 for his first double dub of the season! For The Gentleman, David Montgomery is officially a bust and is dragging this squad down, which is pretty impressive because we were pretty low to begin with.

THE THORN IN ELI’S SIDE BOWL
NATE vs. ANDY - PICK: NONE / WINNER: NATE
Picking up Zach Ertz lit a fire under Kyle Pitts who put up a monstrous 6.2 points this week on Nate’s bench. Tet McMillan and Malik Nabers’s big games were enough to push Nate to a victory, even with Greg Rousseau somehow managing to not sack Drake Maye.

THE REST

PLAYER #14 vs BRETT - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: PLAYER #14
The Veep was finally challenged in a game and narrowly escaped with a one point victory. The measly 101.9 points means that Player #14 falls from the ranks of the undefeated.

ELI vs NICO - PICK: NICO / WINNER: NICO
The Fighting Borts again narrowly avoid a name change as Devaughn Vele’s amazing garbage time touchdown catch brought Eli within 50 points of Nick and (as Eli pointed out to me) it also netted him a Watson-saving Victory Point. Without that TD, the ninth place spot would have been a tie between Colin and Grant and who knows how that would have worked out.

BERNIE/BERNARD vs JOHN - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: BERNIE
I didn’t think this one would be close but Kenneth Walker and CeeDee Lamb did their damndest to prove me wrong. But my pick stood strong and Bernie gets to change his name back in large part because Justin Herbert is complete garbage. Not that the play calling did him any favors.

MARK vs BRENDAN - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRENDAN
Brendan was vulnerable after Matthew Stafford struggled against the Eagles while Josh Downs and Tyler Warren had a surprisingly bad game against the Commies. But a monster week for his defense and a great pickup with Matt Gay allowed him to avoid a shock upset to the still defeated Mark, who failed to break triple digits yet again.

YURK vs. DANA - PICK: YURK / WINNER: YURK
Closing out my perfect* week, Yurk eased his way to a victory over Dana, who posted the lowest score of the week. But it was a rough win for Yurk as Lamar Jackson and Tee Higgins both got dinged up.

TOP 9: Rahul, Nico, Player #14, Bernie, Brendan, Colin, Grant, Nate, TBD - Derek/Andy (Missed: Eric, Johnny, Yurk, Eli)

Week 4 Predictions

The big news in the NFL - well, before this morning’s Joey Porter Jr. trade - was the Giants trading for J.J. McCarthy and I have to say, I’ve never seen so many writers lose their minds over a third string QB being traded for a 5th round pick. Writers are going off about this being a terrible deal for the Giants. One writer at The Athletic referred to it as a “blockbuster trade”. Maybe J.J. sucks but it was a 5th round pick and they needed a backup for Jameis and why not take a gamble since they aren’t winning anything this year anyway. The last trade like this that I can remember was Josh Rosen being traded by the Cardinals and they got a 2nd and 5th for him. It’s sad how much nonsense is out there. We’re truly stuck in the Stephen A. Smith Era of Sports Reporting.

Anyway, on to the picks.

GAME OF THE WEEK

COLIN vs GRANT
This is the least interesting Game of the Week so far this season but there are only three games between teams that are over .500 and this seems to be the closest. Both teams are looking to bounce back from taking their first Ls of the season and I think both teams are going to bring it. I’m a little surprised that ESPN has the score so low. If Christian Gonzalez is out for the Patriots, Josh Allen could go off (and Khalil Shakir might be able to repay Colin for his loyalty) while Goff should be in a shootout with the surprisingly crappy Panthers defense. Adding to the intrigue is that Goff cancels out Amon-Ra’s TDs for Colin while Allen cancels out any Kincaid TDs Grant might get. Both kickers could put up an annoying amount of points.
I am VERY close to picking Grant in this one but I can’t shake the feeling that the Patriots aren’t going to be able to keep Josh Allen off of the field.
PICK: COLIN

UPSET OF THE WEEK

DEREK vs RAHUL
Did we ever get a ruling on what kind of win is needed for someone to get to change their name back? Cue the Rock - “IT DOESN’T MATTER!” I think Rahul is going to muster up a double-dub this week as most of his guys have good matchups, save for Saquon against the Rans. But Derek’s big money guy Ja’Marr Chase also is facing a tough defense so that evens things out. If Bryce can go off against the woeful Lions defense, Derek could prove me wrong and maybe Malik Washington grabs some garbage time points but I can’t shake the feeling that Rahul is going to have a chance to bury the truth next week and change his name to something probably injury or bad luck related.
PICK: RAHUL

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

THE GENTLEMAN vs. ERIC
Two terrible teams face off. If this was the mid-90’s, Don Criqui and Beasley Reece would 100% be the announcers for this crapfest. The Gentleman is embarrassed to be associated with this game and has asked me to keep this write-up short so I’ll just say that I’m going to to with a conditional pick on this one. If J Jetta plays, I think I can squeak out a win. If JJ is out, then I think Eric could take it.
PICK: TBD

THE THORN IN ELI’S SIDE BOWL

NATE vs. ANDY
The perpetrators of the most side conversations during a single fantasy football draft now have to face off against one another. And, bad news for Andy, the Patriots’ offensive line is banged up so the immortal and unstoppable Greg Rousseau could have a big day.
I’d also like to apologize to Nate for making fun of his bid on Zach Ertz. I forgot that his current TE is Kyle Pitts so that bid was clearly the act of an emotional abuse victim.
Since nobody in this game is playing on Thursday, I’m gong to wait until Sunday morning to make a pick because there are a lot of questions surrounding the Wooster’s squad. Who is starting for the Bears (because Case Keenum seemed to have a connection with Luther Burden)? Is Bucky Irving healthy? Is Christian Gonzalez playing and potentially matching up with DJ Moore? Right now, I’m leaning towards an upset but I want to have a clearer picture on this one.
PICK: TBD

THE REST

PLAYER #14 vs BRETT
Not even Eric Schmitt’s Hawks gaffe (also, who spells Schmidt like that?) can derail the Epstein Enabler Express. K-Kel’s Hurts/Smith stack faces the Rams while I think JK Dillion won’t amount to much against SF. I think The Veep’s WRs should carry him to a victory but it will be interesting to see how D’Andre Swift does against the Jets’ defense. Is NY the stout run defense that shut down the Titans and Packers or are they the sieve that Jahmyr Gibbs ran all over? K-Kel does have a shot at a Point Victory but I think it’ll be close.
PICK: PLAYER #14

ELI vs NICO
The Once and Future Kings face off in this one that looks more lopsided than it probably will end up being because Eli currently doesn’t have a full roster. He was so hot to get another Charger on this roster that he dumped his third IDP for Keaton Mitchell. Does he cut bait on Antonio Williams (who he spent good money on last week, I believe)? Does he finally admit that Brian Thomas Jr. was a terrible pick? He couldn’t possibly cut the man who is guaranteed to torment him all season, Quinton Johnston. Let go of a share of that vaunted Chargers offense?! I can’t see it.
I think Watson is being a little too optimistic about Nico’s output this week but he seems like a lock for yet another double dub in what could be a wire-to-wire championship season.
PICK: NICO

BERNIE/BERNARD vs JOHN
I just noticed that Bernie’s team is managed by Bernie and Bernard Kim. I feel like whenever he is distraught, we should start calling him Bernard and talking about how much we miss Bernie. Johnny’s team has a lot of bad matchups so I don’t think this one will be particularly close but nothing makes Bernie go Bernard like Drake Maye. The 34th ranked QB should be able to put something together against the Bills but, I don’t know, he’s been Will Levis bad in terms of decision making so far this year. This is by no means a sure thing for our lil’ Kim but I think he’ll pull it off.
PICK: BERNIE

MARK vs BRENDAN
Mark has three questionable wide receivers but at least it’s not a pressing issue because I don’t think any of them could do enough to take down Brendan anyway. Thee Gospel’s big three are too tough and Downs/Warren get Washington’s leaky defense. Kendre Miller is an interesting start although I assume Rachaad White takes over the Flex spot once he loses the big red Q. And it took me a week but the second renaming makes me think, was The Shockmasters a play on Tyler Shough’s name? I still don’t get it but at least we’ve found the motive behind that crime of a team name.
PICK: BRENDAN

YURK vs. DANA
I ask again, Will ESPN ever fix the box scores so every game isn’t a 10.5 spread? This game has dud of the week potential but it is VERY difficult to outdoodoo me and Eric’s matchup. If Lamar is healthy, he should light up Tennessee to lead Yurk to victory. I don’t really like the matchups in this one and, since Yurk can only be in close matchups this week, I think the odds are better that he plays down to the 0 - 6 competition than it is that Dana has a bigger week than expected.
PICK: YURK

TOP 9: Rahul, Nico, Player #14, Bernie, Brendan, Colin, Grant, Nate, TBD - Derek/Andy

Waiver Wire Recap 9/30

Before we get into the waiver wire recap, can we talk about how bad the trailer for Madden looks? It’s usually a bad idea for biopics to try to cover. the whole life of someone and this doesn’t seem to be the exception; are we really suppposed to get fired up about the creation of John Madden Football? I know that it’s a wildly popular game but I don’t think the making of is really that enthralling. It certainly doesn’t seem so here. This seems like one of those movies that they made because the guy was famous, not because there was a great story to tell.

Anyway, if you haven’t seen it, here’s the trailer. I also might be biased because I don’t really get Nic Cage. Although Shane Gillis and John Mulaney might have been even more distracting.

OK, onto the Waiver Wire results.

Derek seems to be saving his dollars for Chicas Bonitas as he once again was too stingy to bring home his targets. Well, I can’t really say stingy because he bid $55 for Ollie Gordon but his morning starts with the sting of a waiver priority loss to his brother from a caucasian mother. Dana gets Gordon but I feel like there are some red flags with him. He got dinged up during the game and he also lost the backup running back spot during training camp to Jaylen Wright. And there’s the issue of him playing in the woeful Dolphins offense that even Devon Achane struggled to produce in. Speaking of…

Remember when I said that I needed to stop drafting guys who play in bad offenses? Well, clearly The Gentleman’s words haven’t gotten through to Mendo as my dimmer self went and spent $34 dollars on two Dolphins. I do think Jaylen Wright is going to be the better of the two backs in Miami once he gets healthy but Chris Bell was purely a bid based on what the fantasy “experts” said (another thing that Mendo clearly doesn’t listen to The Gentleman on) . Caleb Douglas seemed to be the preferred option at WR before he was hurt but writers swear that Bell is the better talent. It’s a shot in the dark but my sleeper of the year Kayshon Boutte hasn’t done much so no real harm here. Boutte’s absence seems to be having more impact on the Patriots than his presence is having on the Texans.

While part of me wants to give the bid of the week to Brett who somehow thought he was going to nab Ollie Gordon for zero dollars, we have to give the award to Nate, who apparently was involved in some sort of side conversation about Zach Ertz’s popularity. A conversation that nobody else was privy to as he bid $22 dollars for a guy that nobody else was interested in. There must have been something about the one catch Ertz got on Monday Night that lit a fire under Nate’s ass. Or maybe his allergy to chocolate forces him to only bid on white guys so he has to really go after the pale face options when they present themselves.

Dana lost Baker Mayfield this past week although “lost” might be too generous since Mayfield has been awful. This week was a far cry from last week’s QBpalooza and nobody else swapped out QBs and Dana wasted $12 on Sam Darnold, who received no other offers, but I can’t blame Dana. Better safe than sorry and he didn’t want to wake up this morning to an empty stocking like Derek did.

Speaking of people not listening to themselves, Eli just can’t quit the Chargers. Maybe he’s applying the logic of Misery Loves Company so he’s is adding more players from the disappointing LA squad to his disappointing fantasy team. Or maybe this is a ploy to help get Omarion Hampton all of the carries. Here’s a live look at Mitchell walking into the Fighting Borts offices…

On the bright side, Eli gets to hand Derek his third waiver wire loss this week. Then again, is it really a loss to not spend money on Ollie, Wright, and Keaton. (I think the last time those three were together, they invented the airplane.)

Eli will likely give Andy an attaboy on the podcast as he prevented Brendan from getting Bijan Robinson’s backup.

I wasn’t expecting two bids on Arvell Reese but I guess Brian Burns’s injury is supposed to open up more points for him. He went from 10 points combined in the first two week to 12.5 in Week 3 so maybe there’s something to that. And Nico was the guy who got him so that was probably the smartest play of the week.

Johnny grabbed Jauan Jennings, who will probably be on the waiver wire next week. Justin Jefferson doesn’t seem to be that hurt and after Jefferson got hurt last week, Jennings only mustered 1 catch for 1 yard. Maybe he’s hoping the banged up Niners will try to get Jennings back.

Yurk did something with kickers and who gives a shit about them.

Brendan made a move to pick up Evan Williams who I had never heard of but is having a nice season cleaning up all of the messes that the Packers’ defense make in front of him.

In the post-waiver morning moves, Yurk got up early to get rid of his big money acquisition Chris Brooks. Najee Harris might be a sneaky pickup as he took over the RB2 spot in New York and Cam Skattebo’s tics during the game make me think he’s one hit away from a tragic CTE episode.

Finally, Brett cut bait on former Eagle Jaelan Phillips and swapped in Eric Wilson. Honestly, Phillips should have been dropped just for having the worst possible spelling of Jalen/Jaylen out there.

The waiver wire is getting thinner and thinner so hopefully we’ll start seeing some trade movement in the coming weeks.

Week 3 Results

A lousy 4 - 5 week but I did nail 7 out of 9 of the Points Victors. This week was a good one for the roto angle that the league added as 2/3s of the top scorers faced off against each other.

The noise of Week 1 is starting to clear and we’re seeing the best teams start to break away and the worst teams get exposed. Sadly, my team is the latter and I’m not sure there’s much hope on the horizon.

GAME OF THE WEEK

BRENDAN vs COLIN - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRENDAN
Well, at least one team lived up to the Game of the Week billing. Brendan’s big three of Stafford, Bijan, and JSN beat Colin’s team by about 4 points. Colin has never won this year when Josh Allen scores fewer than 39 points. Javonte Williams held up his end of the bargain and Parker Washington has taught Bernie that maybe he should listen to those podcasts that everyone else listens to. I hate to knock someone for showing loyalty but I’m just not sure Khalil Shakir should ever see the starting lineup again.

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

ERIC vs MARK - PICK: MARK / WINNER: ERIC
Oh Mark. He dropped Harold Mevis and the Rams kicker would have been his highest scoring non-QB this week, which isn’t saying THAT much as none of his non-QB’s broke double digits. His new kicker Trey Smack put up a measly two points. Jaylen Waddle proved that Eli has an unbelievable knack of calling when WRs won’t deliver… except when they are on his own team. And apparently, nobody told Oronde Gadsen that he was the last TE standing for the Chargers as he dropped a goose egg and only had three targets. Eric walks away as the victor of the Toilet Bowl in large part because Jaylen Warren outplayed Chase Brown.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

BRETT vs. MENDO - PICK: BRETT / WINNER: BRETT
Easiest pick of the week although I was way off about the Monday Night game meaning much. For a half, it looked like there was a chance that my benching Michael Wilson could cost me a W but Jalen Hurts did just enough to put that concern to bed. Heading into Monday Night, I was nervous about a potential second straight 50 point loss but Philly somehow couldn’t do much against Chicago’s defense.
It was the second straight game with no TDs by my non-QBs but at least this week I had one TD on the bench. KC Concepcion is incredibly annoying to watch. It’s not his fault but the plays they call for him are barely open and then when he’s the 4th option, he’s WIDE open but Deshaun Watson never sees him. I really need to stick to my pre-draft plans next year but also, I need to remember that I should draft guys who are on teams that I want to watch.
Brett grabbing Breece Hall’s handcuff is paying off as Hall is week-to-week with a thigh injury.

THE REST

RAHUL vs. PLAYER #14 - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: PLAYER #14
In one of the greatest moral victories of the 21st century, Rahul made it through a week without losing a player to injury! He also managed to break Player #14’s streak of 50 point wins. He only lost by 40+! I questioned The Veep holding onto Mack Hollins and he delivered a double-digit day. which is something I don’t see on my roster. More good news for Rahul is that Dillon Thieneman outscored his projection and gave the team 9 points. Bad news is that Dillon Thieneman outscored Saquon Barkley. Word is that Saquon is not happy right now but he is at least pleased to be playing on the team with the best name in the league.
Player #14 probably didn’t even notice the games this week as he was too busy jerking off to the clearly unethical Trump ad that we paid for with our tax dollars.

ELI vs DEREK - PICK: ELI / WINNER: DEREK
I’m going to blame my guilt for being so mean to the podcast for this pick. And while it’s not quite the moral victory that Rahul had, Eli can bask in the glory of knowing that he picked the correct wide receiver this week. The downside is that the guy he picked - Quentin Johnston - still only scored 5.5 points.
Derek should have bid more for Tyler Shough but he dodged a bullet by not bidding enough for Kyler Murray. The big headline for Sadat X was an injury that I feel like nobody gives a shit about but Travis Etienne went down with an injury that could cause him to miss some time. Travis was apparently overshadowed by the better Achane’s more severe injury. There’s also the fact that the NFC South is basically the Tiffany Trump of the NFL - she rarely, if ever, does anything noteworthy and when she does, who gives a shit?

NICO vs BERNIE - PICK: NICO / WINNER: NICO
Apologies to Watson as this was indeed the highest scoring matchup of the week as Bernie was able to break 100 points and nab a Points Victory but that didn’t stop him from getting 50+ pieced and Flight Club’s #1 fan will have a new name this week. Nico must be regretting leaving so much money on the table by not being in this league all of those years as he’s making this league look like light work. What’s scary is that this wasn’t even Nico’s optimal lineup this week as all three of this bench players broke double-digits. The only real threat Nico has right now are bye weeks as he has a couple of weeks that might force him to make some moves (although those issues will be lessened once he puts Jayden Reed on t he IR.)

JOHNNY vs. YURK - PICK: YURK / WINNER: JOHNNY
Yurk is looking to win the award for season-long smallest margin of defeat as it’s one game after another that falls in the margin of error. In this case, the margin was basically the difference between the shockingly benched Jameson Williams and Rashid Shaheed (I always forget which name has the i and which the ee). I hope Yurk kneels in front of the Jameson jersey and prays for forgiveness and for the stat correction gods to be on his side. Shouldn’t it be stat correction god? Are there really multiple deities involved with fantasy statistics? And if there are, why do they take so long to figure out the errors and fix them? Anyway, the Odysseus of Alabama needs to do something to right his ship and improve his standing with the higher power.

NATE vs DANA - PICK: DANA / WINNER: NATE
In the other Battle for the Bottom (which is coincidentally is also the name of a game Eli and Dana play on their first night sharing a room in Vegas every year), Nate was able to sneak by in large part because of his IDPs and kicker but also because Devon Achane got hurt. I would also like to point out that the first week that the podcast didn’t besmirch the good name of Señor Side Convo, he was able to focus on the game and ride his unblemished confidence to bring home a W.
The schedule makers knew what they were doing as Mark and Dana don’t face off until Week 13 so the person who runs the next draft might not be decided until the penultimate week of the season. (And, if my team keeps sucking, it might be sorted out in the final week when I play Dana.)

ANDY vs GRANT - PICK: GRANT / WINNER: ANDY
Luther "The Beast of Burden gave Andy the big Monday Night comeback! Grant & the league’s most surprising team couldn’t maintain their undefeated season but they did pick up a Points Victory to stay near the top of the heap. Despite my bad mouthing of Khalif Raymond, he really seems to be a key player in the Bears’ offense and it might be tough to keep him on the bench, especially with both Stefon Diggs and Chris Godwin now dealing with backups for the near future.

TOP 9: Brendan, Bernie, Derek, Nico, Brett, Player #14, Johnny, Mendo, Colin. (Missed: Yurk and Andy.)

Week 2 Podcast Review

Better late than never but maybe not this time? Let’s see how the latest podcast goes.

01:53 Not knowing what week the podcast is and disparaging the written word - not a strong start.

3:40 What’s Proton e-mail?

14:44 The short version of the Bill Simmons story is: Back when Simmons was on ESPN’s Page 2, Simmons and I were on the same Celtics message board. Simmons did a draft article that was a back-and-forth between him and ESPN’s former draft ““guru” Chad Ford and, after the article was posted, Bill posted on the message board that he had googled for info on bad Chad Ford predictions and he had come upon an anti-Chad Ford screed I had posted and he used the info. On one hand, it’s nice that he at least acknowledged it but it would have been much better if he’d given attribution on ESPN rather than on a private message board. (Of course, my post was probably far too negative about his buddy Ford for him to want to put it on ESPN.)
That being said, Simmons isn’t even my main sliding door moment; when SBNation was getting going, they asked me to the their Celtics blogger but they asked right when I was thinking “I need to spend less time on blogging and more on my career” so I turned it down. Ah well. At least reality TV isn’t going anywhere… oh shit. WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

I am surprised to hear the podcast bashing Simmons because I feel like the Sports Guy was one of the first people to abandon the written word and move to the recordings of people droning on aimlessly. Of course, he kind of had to go all-in on the podcasts after his TV show tanked.

I will say, the only thing I see of him now is when he somehow pops up on my Instagram feed and I feel like he’s less annoying now but maybe it’s just because I only see him for one minute at a time. On the flip side, anything entertainment related from The Ringer is usually completely useless and fairly intolerable.

16:20 I didn’t realize how upset Andy is with these podcast reviews.

22:58 Vegas odds of this podcast making it through the season are plummeting.

27:18 The games have started so I’m half paying attention now. I will say that for all of the crap that Drake Maye is getting, and it is deserved, my bigger concern is Josh McDaniels’s playcalling. This is just a boring offense. It’s not Packers bad but it ain’t great.

41:06 Ollie Gordon II announces himself as next week’s #1 waiver wire target. Andy and Eli are still talking. Drake Maye had a terrible fumble.

42:57 Wait, is Andy backing off of his Top 5 Ashton Jeanty prediction?

These Bills jerseys are lousy.

47:14 In Eric’s defense, he didn’t “get cute” with Xavier Smith. He held out hope that Puka was going to play on Monday night and when he didn’t, there weren’t many options left.

53:06 Jags turn Maye’s fumble into points. Who is Josh Cameron and why is he already better than Brian Thomas Jr.?

I can’t believe I’m starting two guys on the Browns.

57:33 There’s another segment?!

58:14 Given the whining about and hurt feelings from the podcast review, this might be the last one. I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. Also, if I don’t do the podcast review then I can stop listening to the podcast.

Ten Tunes Week 3 - Mendo's Go To Karaoke Classics

I realized that I forgot this week’s Ten Tunes so I threw together a quick list of my go-to karaoke songs. I’m sure I’ve forgotten some but this is a good starter list.

The top two are kind of no brainers - classics that are good sing-a-long songs. Personally, I like karaoke when everyone sings as opposed to it being a showcase for people who can actually sing and people who DGAF. Most of The Killers’ hits are good for karaoke but Somebody Told Me is tougher than most people remember as there isn’t a lot of time to breathe in there.

Lonely Boy and Hard to Handle are songs that people don’t necessarily know but I can sing pretty well so they are always a good fallback option for me. Hard to Handle also has the bonus of allowing you to yell “Third verse, same as the first!” before kicking into the final part of the song.

Under Pressure is my favorite karaoke duet option.

I’m Not OK is great if it’s a more energetic/louder crowd.

Connection is probably the weakest option on here but it was my best reviews at Gong Show Karaoke (Wednesday nights at Uncle Ollie’s Penthouse in DTLA) so it holds a place in my heart (although I got lucky and the judges loved Elastica so I feel like the song choice did more work than my performance) But perhaps it’s biggest strength is that it’s only two minutes and twenty seconds long so it’s great for people who are being hassled to sing but just want to get it over with.

Glory Days hits a little too close to home now which may be a good or bad thing in terms of how the crowd responds. I also feel like it is starting to slip through the cracks; I’m not sure which Springsteen songs are really going to get heavy play with the younger generations.

Freedom ‘90 is a great option except for one thing.- It’s over 6 minutes long.

Obviously, I couldn’t leave Foxy Shazam’s ode to big black women out even though I definitely think it’s a safer option in a private karaoke. I should give it a shot next time I do Gong Show Karaoke.

Week 3 Picks

Before we get to picks, can we talk about how stupid the ESPN “Achievements” are? I saw on the app that I got a new award so I clicked and was present with the “Steamrolled” badge for getting blown out. Why the hell would I want that? At least the pod acknowledges that their negative “superlatives” need a new name. Anyway, let’s get to the picks.

Actually, wait, is it just my computer or do all of the website’s box scores have the spread at 8.7? Do better, ESPN.

OK, now onto the picks. (Now with Saturday morning updates!)

GAME OF THE WEEK

BRENDAN vs COLIN
What a matchup! Mr. September vs. The League Villain according to the actual League Villain. To be fair, Colin is good in October and November as well but I didn’t feel like calling him The Fall Guy and then having to explain it. This is a great matchup with intriguing players on either side. The Indy/Houston game looks to be the key for this one. Is Josh Downs ready to be the man in Indy? Can Tyler Warren make it three straight games with a TD? Can Dalton Schultz earn his big waiver wire bid? Outside of that game, Bijan Robinson should probably be able to make some noise for three quarters since it seems like the Packers answer to their inability to hold 4th quarter leads is to avoid having the lead going into the 4th and then doing their damndest to mount a comeback. This one is going to be fun to follow and I think both teams will end up being in the top 9 but it’s going to be THEE GOSPEL walking away with the double dub.

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

ERIC vs MARK
This game could determine who will run the draft next year! And, well, it’s not looking good for Eric. You don’t often see a team with a team with a -48.1 line on Wednesday night but you also don’t often see someone lose their QB and then not pick anyone up or even make a waiver wire bid on a QB. Although I guess Eric’s hands are kind of tied by the rules because - as is increasingly becoming an annoying trend - the Bears haven’t ruled Caleb out yet so Eric can’t put him on the IR which, technically, means he can’t pick up a second QB yet. I feel like Doubtful players should be IR eligible.***All of that being said, Eric is also starting Nick Cross, who actually has been listed out so maybe he just hasn’t looked at his roster this week.
The saddest part is that Mark’s team is a massive favorite and I still kind of don’t know if he’s going to pull it off. I don’t think he has a single good matchup but, then again, neither does Eric. I’m going to make this a true dud of the week by not making a pick because of the major question mark at the top of Eric’s roster.
UPDATE: The wait hasn’t cleared anything up as both teams are reeling from injuries and have key questionable guys (Warren & Coker) but I’m going to go with Tyler Shough vs. the Raiders over Bo Nix over the Rams. It’ll be tight but I think I Got Shoughed @ Chicas Bonitas will come up with the W and be able to rename their team, hopefully to a new random reference that only two people in the league understand.

*** Supporter of the Written Word Bernie Kim informed me that the rule is that if a team’s QB has an injury designation then a second QB can be added so Eric can pick up a QB. I double-checked the e-mail and The Commish said, “If your QB is going on a bye or if they are Questionable or worse at the time waivers open each week, you will be allowed to pick up a 2nd QB for that week only.”

UPSET OF THE WEEK

BRETT vs. MENDO
Now that I think about it, Upset of the Week should be sponsored by Battista’s because upset is how everybody’s stomach feels after eating here. Hey now! I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitress.
I’m not sure why Watson has me as the favorite since I think Brett’s main guys have better matchups than my guys do. Yes, David Montgomery faces Indy, currently ranked last against RBs but the Colts also played their first two games against Derrick Henry and Kenneth Walker so that ranking could be skewed. I’m not saying that I don’t have a chance but I’d put my money on the Hurts/Smith stack coming through again and leading K-Kel Inc. to a thrilling Monday Night comeback.

THE REST

RAHUL vs. JEFF
I actually feel bad for Rahul. This is some of the worst injury luck I’ve ever seen. The one injury that kind of helped him - Jordan Mason landing on the IR - is now moot since Aaron Jones is now gimpy. At least Andy was kind enough to drop Minny’s potential starting RB in Week 3 so Rahul can nab him.
I’m surprised Player #14 held onto Mack Hollins but why switch things up when there’s a good chance that you could be heading to your third straight blowout win? I do wonder how D’Andre Swift does without Caleb Williams (and potentially without backup Bagent either) but I think Vanceinyourpants is one of the safest bets of the week.

ELI vs DEREK
Eli knows how to build suspense! He currently has RJ Harvey in his flex spot but if RJ can’t go, Who will get the nod? Or more importantly, who won’t get the nod and will thusly be freed from the Dolleman Hex and able to score some fantasy points this week. Looking at the matchups, this definitely has dud on the week potential but I actually think of the inaugural member of the.Hall of Shamelessness could take home the win. Burrow neutralizes Chase. Tucker Kraft could benefit from Jayden Reed’s injury. Pickens is due. And Christian Watson is really the only guy on Derek’s team who I completely trust this week, especially after Eli gave him so much bulletin board material over the past two years. When I first saw the matchup, I didn’t think I’d type this but I’m taking The Fighting Borts in this one.

NICO vs BERNIE
Watson picks this as the high scoring matchup of the week and I can’t agree. Picking against Bernie didn’t work out for me last week but I look at these matchups and I just don’t see it happening. The Jacksonville/New England game should be tough for Bernie to watch as I don’t see Drake or Tuten amounting to much. The Raiders have been surprisingly good against the pass this year while the Niners will probably focus on slowing down Trey McBride (and they are the #1 defense against TEs.) Nico doesn’t have great matchups either but I think Purdy vs. Arizona and Jahmyr Gibbs vs. the Jets should be enough to give Babytown Frolics the double-dub. The only satisfaction Bernie will find this week is on Amazon Prime. Might I recommend…

Just tell your lady that it’s classy; it uses “whilst” in the thumbnail synopsis! Also, who can look at that and not want to find out what the hell a Pony Girl is?

JOHNNY vs. YURK
For a second, I made this the Game of the Week, but at second glance, I decided that I didn’t really like Johnny’s matchups that much. Especially with Jadarian Price banged up and Justin Herbert being Justin Herbert. But the real headline of the game is Yurk losing faith in Jameson Williams and benching him in favor of Rashid Shaheed. It’s not just shocking because of Yurk’s love for Jameson and loyalty to his ‘Bama guys but also because Shaheed is one of the few starting WRs who has managed to score fewer points than Jamo this year. I mean, you spent $22 dollars on Chris Brooks, why not give him a shot? This game has too many big names to be a dud of the week but I’m still betting the UNDER on it. Lamb and Davante could make me regret this pick (especially if Puka is out again) but I’m going to go with Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit to win this one.

NATE vs DANA
The guy who wouldn’t stop having side conversations vs the guy who wouldn’t stop drafting guys who were sidelined for the season. Is Kyler vs. Baker the worst possible matchup of rostered QBs? I think Kyler wins the battle, not because he’s better but because I have more faith in Minnesota’s defense. That being said, I think Jeanty might be the lead scorer of this game and two of Nate’s receivers are dealing with backup QBs and the third guy has Bryce Young, who I still don’t trust. Could Greg Rousseau break Dana’s heart? I don’t think so. We’re going Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ in this one.

ANDY vs GRANT
I was wondering who the hell Eli Heidenreich and how in the world Andy would have the inside scoop on, well, any NFL player but then I saw this story and I realized that Andy is probably coyly confessing to be the culprit. But I feel like I might be #TeamScammer on this one. Who is giving money to NFL players, a group that is famously bad with money and whose minimum rookie contract is over $800k. Sometimes people who get scammed just need to chalk it up as an expensive learning moment and admit that they should have known better. And I saw this as someone who has fallen for a few scams in his day.
As for the game itself, there are a couple of big red Qs next to DJ Moore and Jonah Coleman’s names. Grant has Khalif Raymond waiting in the wings and I guess Andy would go with newly acquired Isaiah Williams.
Unlike last week, I’m going to try to come back to these non-picks on Sunday morning and make a final selection but for now, the questionables are making me hold out on this one for now.
UPDATE: Well, Grant is still starting an injured Jonah Coleman and Andy has to deal with DJ Moore’s Questionable tag but, as with my last delayed pick, I see a whole bunch of nothin’ in this matchup and will go with the better QB matchup, which I hope is Goff vs. the Jets over Lawrence over the Patriots so The Yep Nopes will remain undefeated in match play but I feel like he might not crack the top 9.

TOP 9: Brendan, Bernie, Derek, Nico, Brett, Player #14, Johnny, Mendo, Colin

Week 3 Waiver Wrap Up

It’s like Christmas morning every week as we get to see who spent what on whom when the Vegas League waiver wire results come in. I have to say, I was kind of hoping to see Derek put his faith in Geno Smith once again - it worked out to great (comedic) effect last year but he was able to quit ol’ Geno this year. For now.

To nobody’s surprise, Dalton Schultz was the top target this week although 30 bucks seems a little extreme. Maybe more teams employ the Bengals’ game plan of just letting Schultz get his while focusing on shutting down the other areas of the field but I feel like Dalton is what he is - a guy who’ll get around 650 yards and 4 touchdowns and nab three or four double digit fantasy weeks.

In a move that was a bit more shocking, Mark, fresh off a second 50 point loss and a second name change, decided to pull the plug on the Bo Nix era and outbid Derek for Tyler Shough. It’s probably the right move. I doubt Shough will keep his spot at the top of NFL’s passing yards list (who would have guessed the top three passers would be Shough, Bryce Young, and CJ Stroud) but he should be a good fantasy QB for the rest of the year whereas Nix is about to face a few weeks of rough games in a run heavy offense. But could those rough games (and his banged up RB corps) mean more passing and perhaps some more garbage time opportunities? I doubt Nix stays a FA for long but I commend Mark for not standing pat and trying to shake up his roster.

Bernie dropped $12 on Emanuel Wilson whose career highlight so far is being called Emmanuel Lewis last week. It doesn’t sound like Jadarian Price is going to miss time but Wilson is a better use of a roster spot than Jalen Nailor.

Dana didn’t even bother trying to get Oronde Gasden (I always type Gadsen first, for some reason) back and it was the Much Maligned Mark making another big waiver claim in hopes of not having to run the draft next year.

Nate is this week’s SWEET VICTORY award winner as he tied Derek with a $10 bid for Kyler Murray but had the waiver priority, leaving Sadat X out in the cold once again in his hunt for a QB. Kyler immediately gets a revenge game and faces off with Dana, who jettisoned poor Kyler in his time of need. I’d say Dana is the most cutthroat Davis but he didn’t steal from his own flesh and blood like Colin did last season.

Yours truly ended up nabbing Caleb Downs but at the expense of Jamien Sherwood, who fantasy “experts” love and rank highly each week but I just don’t like him for some reason (also, fuck the Jets) and I’m high on Downs, who I think could quickly find himself in the conversation for All-Pro. Sherwood probably should get picked up but he’s a linebacker who never seems to rush the passer which limits his upside.

Dana ignored Oronde and jumped instead on the Darren Waller train. Waller seems like a true TD or bust guy but he also seems like he’s Bryce Young’s top red zone target right now so why not toss $6 out their for him?

Turnabout is fair play as Derek finally gets his QB and gets his own Sweet Victory as he bid the same $5 for Bryce Young as Mark did. Granted, Mark couldn’t actually pick up Young because he had already beaten Derek for Tyler Shough but let’s give Derek a break, OK?! The man is reeling from the Dart injury so he needs some little victories, even if they are technicalities.

After two 50+ point victories, Player #14 probably didn’t need to make a move this week but he just really enjoys bidding on human beings. It reminds him of “the good ol’ days”.

Andy discovered what I learned last year; you can’t rely on Daiyan Henley. I don’t know who Derrick Barnes is but he’ll probably be less of a headache than Henley, another guy who is usually given too much love by the “experts” I feel like IDP experts need to show the percentage of time linebackers spend in coverage vs. blitz attempts.

INTRIGUING MOVE OF THE WEEK! Of course it is Brendan who makes the potential game changing move of the week - picking up Tyreek Hill for zero dollars. Brendan’s Niners already said Nah! to Hill and opted instead for Brandin Cooks. Word is that the Chiefs might welcome a reunion with Hill but I’m not sure how much Tyreek has left. At this point, he might just be Tyquan Thornton with a more recognizable name and uglier checkered past. But if it costs you no money and Kendrick Bourne, why not roll the dice?!

Grant made a move involving kickers which I won’t even deign with a response.

Colin dropped one of the best names in the business as he cut Divine Deablo but at least he stuck with alliteration and brought in Budda Baker.

Bernie added Xavier Hutchinson who might last as long on his roster as Jonas Sanker did last week.

I thought bush was making a comeback but Devin can’t seem to find a home. Despite an endorsement from the blog, he has found himself back on the scrap heap in favor of Demetrius Knight Jr., who sounds like the lead character in a race-swapped Knight Rider remake.

This week’s early risers were Mark and Bernie who made the first post-waiver pickups. Mark making a kicker move (fuck kickers but I do love the name Trey Smack) while Bernie shuffled the deck chairs of his defense, replacing Justin Reid with Byron Murphy. Bernie was hot for Daiyan Henley last year so perhaps we see another move during the week from The Snake.

All in all, none of this probably matters but guess what, it’s fantasy football so none of it ever matters!

Waiver Wire Recap 09/22

For all of the crap Yurk has (deservedly) gotten for his Chris Brooks bid, it was actually Mark who spent the most money per point this week as Caleb Douglas was the bell of the waiver ball after Week 1 and he celebrated by getting hurt and is now iffy for Week 3.
Brendan showed his future Hall of Famer acumen by spending zero dollars to nab the second best IDP pickup of the week.
With 18 teams, the waiver wire is pretty bereft of talent which hopefully means we’ll see more trades this year. It also means that Yurk’s big bid probably won’t hurt him as there aren’t really many guys worth spending money on unless someone surprising gets dropped.
This upcoming week will give us our first QB scramble as there are at least three teams are in the hunt for a new starting QB.

Week 2 Results

A brutal week with a lot of low scores and way too many injuries. We went from one of the highest scoring weeks in NFL history to a week in which the last Points Victory went to a team that didn’t even break triple digits.

The only good thing about this week is that I went 6 - 1 on my picks. And 7 - 2 on my roto Top 9 picks.

Finally, am I the only person who thought 50 point losses were a rare occurrence? I couldn’t believe that there were three last week but then this week, we have four teams who are going to have a new moniker. Well, three with a new name and one with a different new name.

GAME OF THE WEEK

NICO vs YURK - PICK: YURK / WINNER: YURK
I was 100% right about this one being the game of the week as it came down to Monday Night Football (and could change if there’s a points correction). I was wrong about the kickers being the difference as Jake Bates was able to outpoint Tyler Bass but, in the end, Yurk’s underwhelming WRs delivered JUST enough to take the victory. Or we could give the win to Nakobe Dean, who had another big day for the surprising Raiders. Maybe now the podcast will put some respect on his name!
The close win helps Yurk escape the week with some pride intact but the blog - and I’m sure the pod - aren’t about to forget that Chris Brooks bid. It actually looked like the move was going to pay off as Marshawn Lloyd was benched after fumbling but Brooks took the opportunity and four carries later, Kaleb Johnson took over and was the starting RB in overtime. Early word is that Yurk is going to show restraint and only bid 19 dollars for Johnson this week.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

MARK vs. BRETT - PICK: BRETT / WINNER: BRETT
Watson’s code should get a complete overhaul for picking Mark in this one. Despite the loss, Mark is kind of a winner this week because his team’s name no longer has to be a John Mayer pun as Brett now gets the right to rename his team. I’d be surprised if we got something like “Slow Dancing in a Bo Nix Room” from Brett. Or maybe Brett will make a deal that Mark can go back to his original name if Mark takes the cursed JK Dobbins off of his hands. Two weeks in and Brett got the full Dobbins experience. JK came up short when Brett needed him in Week 1 and then, in Week 2, JK got hurt. I think the lesson here is that Baltimore is the last stop for running backs; the last guy to leave the Ravens and do anything of note was probably Jamal Lewis, who had a couple thousand yard years in Cleveland two decades ago (not that it helped, those Browns teams still didn’t make the playoffs.) .

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

ELI vs. RAHUL - PICK: ELI / WiNNER: ELI
I nailed my two dud of the week picks as none of the four teams involved managed to hit triple digits this week. The only reason this matchup wasn’t a complete dud is because it caused Rahul to EXPLODE and threaten to stop paying attention to this league. It’s been a bloodbath for the man with the truest team name in the game; Who knew that AJ Brown going down in the first game of the year was a harbinger of things to come? Jordan Mason hit the IR, Chig Okonkwo missed Week 2, and then Alec Pierce and David Njoku went down on Sunday. Thank goodness Saquon Barkley came back from his injury or we might have lost Rahul for good. I feel like Rahul should be given a hardship IR spot; if Saquon does end up missing time, Rahul will have to drop one of his injured guys in order to start a full roster next week.
As for the Borts, I must give a hearty thank you to Eli who didn’t start Devaughn Vele, who I was starting in my two other leagues. Vele, of course, ended up being Eli’s WR1 this week. DFS players need to keep an eye on Eli’s Week 3 roster because if he benches Quentin Johnston (which he should after these first two stinkers), then it is a mortal lock that the Charger deep threat will connect for a touchdown or two. It’ll be interesting to see who Eli drops this week or if he continues to brazenly break the rules by having an active player in his IR spot.

DEREK vs. BERNIE - PICK: DEREK / WINNER: BERNIE
DEREK GOT SNAAAAAAAKED! It was going to take a huge effort from Jaxson Dart for Derek to stage a Monday Night comeback but the drama of the evening ended before NY’s first drive as Dart helped complete what has to be one of the most brutal weeks in NFL history. Do they keep track of most injuries in a week? This has to be up there.
Yurk isn’t the only guy who is going to keep an eye on stat corrections as I believe Bernie is currently clinging on to 9th highest score of the week by a mere .4 over Dana. Side note: Why is the Commish calling them Victory Points on the league page? Shouldn’t it be the other way around - a Points Victory? Or maybe call it a Roto Win? Calling it a “victory point” vs “an actual win” is just wrong. Might as well call it an Executive Victory.

THE REST

NATE vs JOHNNY - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: JOHNNY
Bouncing back from his week 1 trouncing. John earned a double-dub, which is actually a triple dub because he gets to reclaim his team name. Nate went another week without putting Zach Charbonnet in his IR spot but now it makes sense; he was keeping the spot open for Jayden Daniels. With Daniels down, Nate’s two top scorers are the immortal Greg Rousseau and his kicker Chase McLaughlin. Which probably means I need to spend my lobbying money elsewhere for next year’s No Kickers vote.

DANA vs. GRANT - NO PICK / WINNER: GRANT
Nico Collins’s absence did make this game closer but Grant was still able to pull out the victory and earn himself his second double-dub of the season. Grant is truly the KIRK COUSINS! of this league; people counted him out but here he is, undefeated and looking down at those two podcasters who mocked him so.
Dana is a stat correction away from getting a Point Victory Victory point, which is pretty damn impressive seeing as his team was able to muster up only one touchdown all week. (Combined, Grant and Dana only had one non-QB TD this week.) Ashton “Top 5” Jeanty came back down to Earth but the bigger issue is the QB position. Baker Mayfield should send flowers to Justin Herbert because everyone’s focusing on how poorly the Chargers are playing but the Buccaneers look just as cooked and Baker looks far worse than Herbert. I think two years ago was Baker’s peak and it is all downhill from here. I honestly wouldn’t blame Dana if he went back to Kyler Murray next week.
Also, I should apologize to Dana*, who clearly was onto something when he drafted Oronde Gadsden II, who is suddenly the last remaining healthy TE on the Chargers’ roster. Yurk is probably going to bid $50 for him.

* I should apologize but I won’t because who in their right mind is listening to me? I’ve never won shit in this league!

PLAYER #14 vs. MENDO - NO PICK / WINNER: PLAYER #14
When my team was racking up points last week, I couldn’t help but think of something my father used to say when a Boston team would win in a blowout, “They scored too much1 They won’t have any points left over for next game!” And boy, did that happen this week. My team really showed off their high ceiling / low floor in these two weeks. David Montgomery had three TDs in Week 1; he had six carries in Week 2. None of my non-QBs found the endzone and Jordan Love struggled to get his two TDs. Thank goodness he was playing the Jets - who are inexplicably incapable of picking off the QB - or he might have given back a TD’s worth of points in INTs.
While my team didn’t go from First to Worst; I face a fate even worse than last place. Player #14 - for his second week in a row - gets to come up with a new team name for his vanquished foe. Last week was John Mayer. This week will most likely be some kind of gay panic joke. Let’s make sure he doesn’t ever get another chance at this because the next “Weren’t the Aughts great?!” fad he’ll want to bring back is hipster racism.
(Right now, Player #14 is probably saying, “Gigi? What does ‘The Aughts’ mean?”)

ERIC vs COLIN - PICK: COLIN / WINNER: COLIN
A moment of silence for Eric. Or maybe a moment of screaming about Street Fighter to remind him of happier times. Eric’s team could only muster 56.8 points and he lost his main man Caleb Williams. He also learned why defensive linemen aren’t great in our league - Maxx Crosby was absolutely dominant but mustered up only 1 fantasy point. There was some beneficial injury news - Rico Dowdle got banged up, which means Jaylen Warren could become the main man in Pittsburgh. TreVeyon Henderson also showed off his breakaway speed this week. I like Henderson but he is the most feast or famine back I’ve ever seen. He either breaks a long run or gets absolutely demolished in the backfield.
Colin might have had the most unimpressive 139 point weekend because over half of his points came on Thursday night. In fact, his third highest scorer was Brandon Aubrey. (Yet another name to cross off the No Kickers potential swing vote list.) But that’s what makes this team scary; even a ho-hum game from most of his team can still carry him to one of the top scores of the week.

ANDY vs. BRENDAN - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRENDAN
Christian McCaffrey dominated Kaelon Black but that was about as good as it got for Andy this week. At least DJ Moore had an excuse for his poor showing. Trevor Lawrence is in his 6th season and still looks like a second year QB most of the time. Are Luther Burden and Rome Odunze just not that good? Kalif Raymond had more catches than them again. And I don’t know who Demond Claiborne is but even he managed to outscore Marvin Harrison Jr. Why doesn’t Arizona just trade Marv’s kid already? Nevermind catches and yards, he only had 1 TARGET this week!
While Brendan was able to nab two wins, there is a serious red flag in Atlanta. I was worried about Atlanta’s offense dragging down Bijan but that offense (and team overall) is worse than I expected. And I really don’t think Michael Penix is going to make that much of a difference.
Nonetheless, Brendan has earned the right to rename Andy’s team and I’m sure he’ll deliver a withering Kierkegaard reference that will shake our friendly neighborhood Slenderman to his core.

COSTCO’S EXECUTIVE PLATINUM TITANIUM TOP 9: Brendan, Andy, Colin, Johnny. Nico, Yurk, Jeff, Mendo, Brett (MISSED PICKS: Bernie, Grant)

Podcast Review - Week 1

Another live review of the Higland Spices podcast!
There was some pushback at the unvarnished truth that I was doling out in the last review and one of my resolutions this year (which, like all of my resolutions, I’m completely failing) is to be more positive so I’ll try to dial down the curmudgeon and be a little more uplifting this week.

00:00 I love the theme song but shouldn’t the podcast have a new theme song, one more in tune with the Highland Spices name? This theme song could play at the end of the podcast, serving as a light at the end of the increasingly cavernous tunnel one has to get through with these pods.

01:10 Eli and Andy are talking about the horror show that was week 1 for Eli, which made me think of “Resident Evil’, which I saw last night. It is the closest a movie has come to the experience of watching someone else play a video game. The first half of the movie is actually quite good and there was one jump scare that made me audibly yelp but as the film goes on, it feels like Zach Cregger and Co. couldn’t really come up with anything new so they leaned more and more on humor with diminishing returns. End of the day, I think the film falls into the Fine But Forgettable bin.

03:48 I voted for Any Win allows a team to rename themselves. But I’m proudly not a “real man’ and think victory points are a great addition to the league. Gender norms are man-made bullshit and we’re better off without them!

06:43 Eli got Brett’s name correct but messed up by saying he “feels terribly” (he said feels terrible-y which is even weirder) which, as anyone who has seen “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” knows, is not correct.

I highly recommend “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” as well as Shane Black’s follow-up “The Nice Guys”.

10:23 Shots fired at Bills fans! Eli calling the Davises “lunkheads”.

14:22 Now that we know there was a glitch in the scoring, it’s a little painful listening to the hosts go crazy about the massive points scored by defensive players last week and showing zero curiosity in how these IDP managed to muster said points since it’s not like there were a ton of guys who had multiple sack games.

15:43 When is Eli’s housewarming party or was I not invited?

17:05 Nothing like saying “We gotta keep this going” and then pausing to whine about being called boring last week. And now Eli is making excuses for being boring. “We had to talk about all of the teams” is a weird excuse. More teams means more opportunities for interesting insights or funny takes on each player’s draft performance but no, the Dandyelions couldn’t step up to the challenge!
We’re still only 17 minutes into the podcast and I’m wondering if I should fire up an episode of “Satisfaction” to help pass the time. I feel like I probably don’t need the audio to enjoy that show.

17:59 My initial idea for Rahul’s team name was “Eli is a racist alien clone” (and I should have added sexist after seeing that he just picked up Harrison Butker) but I thought that was a little too much truth for this early in the season. But, yes, I do agree that the name I went with wasn’t a great one. Who can think of anything disparaging about Rahul? I mean, besides his lack of fantasy football acumen but that seemed too on the nose.

And in a rare defense of Player #14, there being no place for John Mayer in fantasy football is exactly why you give someone a bad John Mayer pun as a team name. Every time Mark logs in, he gets that song in his head. Which is rough but not as rough as every time Rahul logs in, he gets the podcast in his head.

Not sure what’s up with the pod but I had to download it; it kept freezing. Or maybe my computer is taking a stand against this “content”.

20:36 The second “Let’s get going” of the pod.

21:00 We’ve had a “libtard” and “doing your own research” already, if anyone was questioning my accusation of the pod taking a turn towards the Right.

22:20 I’m hoping we can get to the third “Let’s get going” soon.

23:13 If Kobayashi was the first guy to employ a strategy, why is it called “The Solomon method”?

26:00 I’m with Andy on not feeling great the morning after the draft. I gagged up hot sauce in the AM. Odd that of all the things I ate/drank that day, the only bit remaining to get puked up was the hot sauce from the wings.

26:55 There it is. “Let’s keep it moving” followed immediately by more defensiveness about the blog’s honest and, quite frankly, objective truth about the week 0 podcast.

28:06 Eli’s gravestone should read “Mid-Tier Boss”.

30:44 Woah Woah Woah! When writing about the Costco exit, Eli uses the words “Currently” and “Yet”?! So for all of his bluster, Eli lets it slip that he is still willing to come back to Costco? For such a good poker player, Eli made a terrible bluff here. And here we thought Eli was a man of principle but it seems like he’s just looking for a handout. SHAME! for using the podcast to further your own grift, Eli!

40:46 Could Nico and his wife make a podcast that spoils this podcast so we can save 80 minutes of our lives?

41:55 Amen to Andy for calling out Eli’s weakening stance against Costco.

53:43 For a guy with so much free time at work, Eli could spend a little of that time editing this podcast down.

BREAKING NEWS! Rahul has finally set his lineup and he is now FAVORED to beat Eli by a mere .7 points. Although I think Eli probably wins this week; Rahul’s team is pretty brutal.

I would also like to point out that while Rahul is dealing with three guys who are out this week, Eli somehow is getting away with having a questionable player in his IR spot.

Hopefully Eli will keep Devaughn Vele on his bench because I’m starting him in another league and don’t want the Dolleman Curse to shut him down.

1:01 Andy was right a few minutes ago when he talked about how the pod was coming in under an hour and he was hoping to not blow it with a meandering roster rant. That being said, I like when we can hear a true Eli rant. You know Eli is in his feelings when he loses the mid-tier boss facade and shows his roots by dropping a “wicked”. And I will actually agree with Eli on one thing - streaming sports have been around a while now and companies pay huge amounts of money for streaming rights; how is it that there are still only like five commercials for every game? And the commercials are usually so cheap that it looks like they could have at least shot a few variations of the ad so we don’t see the exact same thing twelve times a game. But, honestly, this might be as good as it gets; my guess is that soon all of those ads will be AI slop.

1:03 I’m not sure we should call this a “bonus” rant. It’s like calling a late hit on a QB a “bonus” hit. But keeping things positive, I’ll say that Andy has had a bit of a bounceback podcast performance and has at least tried to keep the Commish - who still managed to make a Hall of Fame mention after his crappy first week - a bit in check.

1:04 So wait, Eli spent like 15 minutes discussing his Costco empty gesture and now he’s making us suffer through a “bonus” rant hating on Tesla drivers’ empty gestures? Why does Eli assume that these people only put the bumper sticker on and didn’t also send out some emails to Elon and Co.? In keeping more positive, I think we shouldn’t assume the worst of people.

1:05 Is Eli the Justin Herbert of podcasting?

1:06 Eli is showing his teeth and Andy responds by mansplaining “performative outrage” to him. Bold move! I’m surprised Eli let that go.

1:07 If the full podcast song was saved for the end of the podcast, I’d have something to look forward to right now.

1:10 Like most of my resolutions, I guess I’ll start being positive next week.

The outro song! Way to end on a high note!

Thursday Night Thoughts / Ten Tunes Week 2

Once again, I didn’t really get to watch the game so these are stray thoughts from what I caught.

One thing I definitely saw a lot of this week and last was the add for “Neagley”, a show about a PI who marches into a bar and threatens to burn it down. Are we good with this? What kind of snitch culture do we live in that we’re rooting for a pseudo cop threatening a citizen like this? Was this show sponsored by Flock cameras? Don’t we have enough copaganda out there? Also, please don’t give Player #14 any new role playing ideas for his Saturday nights.

At least Neagley looks better than that Eternally Yours show that CBS wouldn’t stop advertising. I have to give CBS credit for one thing; when they like an actor, they won’t stop trying to make him a thing. Once in a blue moon, one of the shows finally lands and they suddenly crow that the guy is really a star - like they’re doing with Justin Hartley now because Tracker did some numbers - but I feel like more often than not, they just keep trotting out the same nothingburger in dead end shows.

Back to Amazon, I usually go to bed playing a one of the movies I’ve bought on there - playing movies I’ve seen a ton helps keep my mind from racing at night - but the issue with Amazon is that they have autoplay so when I wake up in the middle of the night, I never know what I might see in front of me. I have awoken many a night shocked by some horror film that my shitty vision/half awake brain makes even more terrifying because for a second, I think some creature is in my room. But last night, Amazon had me reaching for my glasses for a different reason. The autoplay was a TV show called Satisfaction; the write-up is “Follow the lives of six women set in and around an up-market establishment and examine the desire for human intimacy common to us all.” I fancy myself as someone who is in the know but I have never heard of “up-market establishment” as another name for a whore house. Did you know Amazon Prime has soft core porn on it? Where have I been? Why don’t I own more Amazon stock? This is a gold mine!
Totally unrelated, I haven’t listened to the Highland Spices podcast yet and probably won’t find time for it until Saturday or Sunday. Did I mention that there are THREE seasons of “Satisfaction”?

The WhatsApp group blew up Thursday night with accusations of Eli trying to rig the league this year by adding in an extra four points for sacks. I’m not saying that Yurk was laying the groundwork for a coup but let’s just say there was a general vibe that the Eliuminati might be facing an Epstein-like backlash. Nobody has called for the flight logs to Dolleman Island yet but it’s getting heated.

Speaking of sack shenanigans, would this league be over already if Nate hadn’t snaked Rousseau from Colin? How could anyone stop the Josh Allen/Rousseau dynamic duo? Colin’s team is once again looking like a juggernaut and it’s a shame that he’s probably going to sully it by trading Divine Deablo and Khalil Shakir to his brother for Ja’Marr Chase.

Is it possible to get a bonus mini-pod (or whatever they are called) so we can get Andy’s immediate take at DJ Moore’s output on Thursday? And also Eli erupting at how lucky Brendan always gets. Do we really have to wait a week for this? I mean, I can wait. Each season of Satisfaction has 10 episodes. I mean, how can you only watch one episodes when sitting on the horizon is…

Apologies to anyone who was reading this at work or anywhere near a child, loved one, or person who feels judgey. But tell me you aren’t interested in dialing that episode up on Amazon Prime once the sun goes down. I know three or four of you probably clicked on the photo a few times trying to get it to play.

As for the game, Josh Allen is trying to etch his name in Fantasy Football immortality while the Lions seem like they are going to waste another year of Jahmyr Gibbs so he can add his name alongside Barry Sanders and Megatron as epic talents that never saw the success they deserved because they got drafted by the Lions.
I heard mention of how the Lions have never been in the Super Bowl but I was dismayed that there was no mention of the fact that the Lions won the NFL Championship in 1957, their third NFL title in 6 years. They were a perennial power in the NFL until 1963 when the Ford family bought the franchise and since then they have been to just two conference title games. One of the most unsuccessful team owners in the history of sport.

I didn’t mind missing the game because it saved me from dealing with my split allegiance to James Cook, who is one of my keepers in my other league but I was playing against him in this one. I probably wouldn’t have preferred to lose the other league and have Player #14 score fewer points but hey, we’ll take what we can get.

Full disclosure - I haven’t really watched Satisfaction and the scene that I awoke to looked more like USA Up All Night heavy petting than soft core porn so I may be overselling it. More info in next week.

As for Ten Tunes, I think I’ll follow up Foxy Shazam with one of the overlooked bands of the 90’s. Living Colour’s first album is a classic and their second and third albums are pretty damn good as well. Like Foxy Shazam, I haven’t listened to much of their later output (both groups broke up and then came back together with diminishing returns) but they are a band that shouldn’t be lost to time. I am happy to see that “Solace of You” is in their Spotify top 10. I feel like it didn’t get much love when it first came out. I waffle on a couple of these songs but as of 10:29pm, these are my 10 faves from Living Colour. (Well, 9 from them and one cover of a Talking Heads song.)

Week 2 Predictions

GAME OF THE WEEK

NICO vs YURK
This is kind of a no brainer for Game of the Week as it is one of two matchups of undefeated teams and is currently ESPN’s highest predicted points total of the week but I almost disqualified it because it’s a game that could come down to the kickers. And NOBODY wants that (nobody except, unfortunately, the vast majority of this league.)
These two teams seem evenly matched - I think the 9.7 spread on this one is out of whack - with Yurk potentially having the upper hand at QB (I think San Fran could dominate Miami, which might limit Purdy’s passing attempts whereas I think the Saints should be able to keep up with Baltimore like they did with Detroit last week) and WR (I don’t trust any of the starting WRs but at least Yurk has an actual #1 receiver in Evans in one of his two spots.) Flexes Kyren Williams and Tee Higgens could both be in for big games. Nico gains the upper hand at RB with Jahmyr Gibbs looking like he’s in a potential smash spot, facing a team that just gave up three TDs to his former running mate, David Montgomery.
My initial pick was Nico because of Gibbs but after typing this up, I’m questioning that pick. Is KC’s defense really as good as they looked on Monday Night Football? JT is a different beast than JK. And early season, healthy Lamar Jackson is always tough to bet against.
Which brings us to the kickers and, as Bass and Bates face-off in what should be a high scoring affair, the issue isn’t even the kickers; it’s which coach will actually settle for field goals instead of going for it on 4th down. And in that case, NOBODY hates sending kickers out more than Dan Campbell.
If this was a Confidence pool, this game would be lowest on my list but I’m going to go with the upset and give this one to Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (although both teams should be in the Top 9).

UPSET OF THE WEEK

MARK vs. BRETT
I don’t know how Mark is favored in this one. (I also don’t know why the line for every game this week is 106.2) Bo Nix and Jaylen Waddle looked terrible and are playing an arguably tougher defense this week. Chase Brown is facing Houston’s defense which is probably amped up to make up for a lousy week 1. McConkey is banged up. Loveland has a tough matchup with Minnesota and may need to block more than usual. And the IDP aren’t all that inspiring. Meanwhile, Brett’s Hurts/Smith stack has an easy matchup with Tennessee. Matthew Golden could connect on a deep ball against the Jets’ leaky secondary. The RBs are a little worrisome with Breece against Green Bay and JK against the Jags but I feel like Evan McPherson should have another big week. I’m not sure K-KEL, INC. will deliver enough to get a Top 9 win but I’m pretty confident that they’ll do enough to send Mark to an 0 - 4 start.

Side note: Player #14 proves yet again the eternal truth that conservatives aren’t funny as the only thing he could come up with for Mark’s team name was a dated reference to a John Mayer song. And let’s be real, The Veep probably only remembers John Mayer because he’s still upset that Mayer was canceled for saying the N-word in a Rolling Stone interview.

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

ELI vs. RAHUL
Oh, how the mighty have fallen. And Rahul too! This used to be a marquee, prime time matchup and now it’s a game that would probably air on Fubo. But a fall from grace hasn’t stopped Rahul from playing some mind games; he has benched his entire team so Eli won’t know how to plan his fantasy defense. Or maybe he’s just forcing all of his players to earn their spot in practice this week. Will it work? Will anyone care?
This is actually a sneaky good matchup for both squads. A banged up Burrow vs. Houston probably has Eli hating his single QB rule but besides that, Hampton & Johnston vs. the Raiders has some potential, Pickens could have a bounceback game against the Commies crappy cornerbacks, Bill Croskey-Merritt (this guy needs a real nickname) could hit paydirt against the Cowboys. For Rahul, Patty Mahomes faces an Indy defense that just got lit up by Baltimore. Saquon faces the terrible Titans. And Jordan Mason heading to the IR means Aaron Jones becomes the bellcow for the Vikings against the porous Bears defense.
Unfortunately for Rahul, the rest of his supporting cast isn’t looking great and Eli definitely has the better matchups which will likely help The Fighting Borts get off the schneid and pick up their first W of the season. The one good thing Rahul has going for him is that if he loses, he gets to keep his team name and, like his idol Macklemore, speak truth to power.

DEREK vs. BERNIE
Two duds of the week?! Already in Week 2? Yes, sir. This game is one bad matchup after another from players I don’t really have much faith in in the first place. It might come down to Chris Olave against Bernie’s beloved birds and Christian Watson vs. the Jets. I questioned Bernie’s IDP pickups but, hey, at least they aren’t questionable to play like the guy Derek just picked up. I’m confident that neither of these teams will pick up a Top 9 win. I’m less confident in the heads up matchup but I’m going to roll with Sadat X picking up the W.

THE REST

NATE vs JOHNNY
RENAME THE TEAM, JOHNNY! When Johnny wins, I think he needs to keep whatever name Grant chose until Thursday or Friday or a week from whenever he ends up adopting the new name. I apologize if the reason for the lack of a name change is because Grant is still workshopping name ideas. PICK A NAME, GRANT! Player #14 has set a low bar for Grant to clear so there’s no reason to take this long to decide. But apologies to Grant if he has chosen a name and Johnny hasn’t made the change yet. In which case, please refer to the first sentence of this write-up.
Besides the reason for the lack of a name change, the biggest question for this game is “Do we think either guy knows how to place a player on the IR?” I’m voting no with Nate since he’s had Charbonnet on his active roster since the draft despite him never being a threat to play Week 1 or 2. Johnny’s injury is a new one and there’s a world in which maybe he outright drops De'Zhaun Stribling, who is reportedly out 10 weeks, but I feel like this isn’t the first time I wondered about him and the IR spot.
As for the game, this could be the blowout of the week. Jayden Daniels and Terry McLaurin are going to need to come up big or there’s a risk of a name change here. Or maybe Greg Rousseau continues to put up 20+ points to lead the Practice Squad to a non-50 point loss. But I’m expecting double-digit games from every offensive player on The Team That Still Needs to Be Renamed and an easy double dub for Mr. Monnette.

DANA vs. GRANT
Does Dana know that the no computer rule was only for the draft? Has he been snail mailing his roster moves to ESPN? It’s week 2 and he’s already got an empty IDP slot and is currently starting a guy who is projected to be out this week. If he manages to set a full roster, I think he has a chance to win. A revenge game for Baker Mayfield, who really should get over it already but he seems like a guy who won’t let a grudge die. The Baker/Egbuka stack could be pretty, pretty nice. Jeanty faces a Chargers defense which seems like it hasn’t improved at all. Rashee Rice faces the defense that let Zay Flowers go crazy. Harold Fannin plays the Bucs who just like Mike Gesicki look like an actual football player. The only real concern on offense is De’Von Achane who faces the Niners.
The IDP spots are going to be key because Grant’s guys have amazing matchups and could put up big numbers. Besides Jared Goff, The Yep Nopes have an offense full of tasty matchups but I’m going to hold off on predicting this game until we know more about Nico Collins. If Collins is out, I think it could swing the entire week in Dana’s favor.

PLAYER #14 vs. MENDO
The other marquee matchup of the week, this battle between undefeated behemoths is another game that I’m unable to predict because of key injuries. My guess is that this is yet another example of how mid-week red Q’s mean nothing nowadays but Zay Flowers and D’Andre Swift getting red flagged is a potential game changer. At full strength, I would probably give Vanceinyourpants the nod as he has better matchups and, well, mostly better players, but some injury luck could give The Gentleman his second heads-up victory of the year.

ERIC vs COLIN
The #1 and #2 fantasy QBs face off in this one but I’m loyal to my former Patriots. Vikings DC Brian Flores came up with New England so I’m going to root for him to slow down Caleb and the Bears. On the flip side, I don’t see Detroit’s defense containing Josh Allen. Xavier Worthy vs. Khalil Shakir might be my least favorite Flex matchup of the week. Eric needs to bench the injured Myles Garrett but his D-Line centric IDP plan might work out again in Week 2 as Maxx and Hines-Allen should be able to get to Herbert and Nix. Will it be enough to take down Colin? I think not. Colin won’t put up the gaudy numbers he did last week but Uncle Rico’s RuffNecks should score enough to land another two win week.

ANDY vs. BRENDAN
Christian McCaffrey vs. Kaelon Black! The better of these two would usually be a no brainer but against Miami? There’s a good chance that McCaffrey sits the entire second half. I also think, as good as Bucky Irving looked last week, the game against the Browns could feature Kenny Gainwell more. Brendan went studs and scrubs and I like the matchups his studs have so I’m going with Thee Gospel to send Andy to his first L of the season. FantasyPros ranks this as the matchup of the #1 and #4 teams this week and while I don’t believe either team will take home the top scorer prize, I think they should both be able to muster a Top 9 finish.

COSTCO’S EXECUTIVE PLATINUM TITANIUM TOP 9: Brendan, Andy, Colin, Johnny. Nico, Yurk, Jeff, Mendo, Brett

WEEK 2 WAIVER WRAP UP

If Vegas saw the way people threw around money here, we’d get the best suite in Aria comped and they’d rush to bring out bags up.

Mr. Popularity this week was Caleb Douglas, with six bids for his services, which is a lot for the #2 receiver on a terrible offense. Douglas is Miami’s deep threat but Malik Willis also led the league in off-target throws in Week 1 so are we sure he’s going to be able to consistently get the ball to Caleb? On the bright side, Miami will likely find themselves trailing 90% of the time so there will be a lot of opportunities.

The overspend of the week was by Yurk, who bid almost a quarter of his budget to get Packers’ backup RB Chris Brooks. There was one other claim put in for him but it was for a grand total of zero dollars. I get that there’s some upside here with Josh Jacobs’s likely suspension and Marshawn Lloyd potentially not being all that good (and he’s been injured for most of his career) but this is not the fiscal responsibility we want to see in 2026. I’m nervous Yurk is going to vote for the GOP to get that sweet $5,000 payoff.
As for Brooks, there’s also a chance that recently acquired Kaleb Johnson could start to get some carries once he gets acclimated to the offense.

Nico was a close second in the overspend of the week as he put up $16 for Kalif Raymond, who nobody else put a bid in for and who would seem to be the frontrunner in the annual Week 1 Mirage award.

Bernie didn’t get Caleb Douglas but was able to win the bid on Jeremiah Trotter’s kid, Josiah. I’m surprised Brett didn’t put in a bid for a former Eagles’ nepo baby.

Player #14, clearly nervous about facing the #1 overall team in the league, made the 2nd most waiver claims this week and ended up adding Mack Hollins and Anthony Hill. Zaire Franklin wasn’t great in his Packers debut but I do wonder if Anthony Hill is going to deliver the same performance once Cedric Gray is back. Mack Hollins is the king of the loud reception. You watch a game and think he’s killing it but, at the end of the day, it was just four catches for 51 yards.

The Borts - who made the most waiver claims - gave up on Chris Bell after one game and went with Antonio Williams, who is an interesting pick up since neither McLaurin nor Diggs are iron men. I think he’s due for some lean weeks but there’s potential there as a stash.
The most surprising cut was Devin Bush. Drake Thomas is quite good and middling IDP players are pretty much interchangeable but I thought Devin might have gotten a longer leash. But maybe bald men are triggered by bush; I mean, I kind of get it. Bernie didn’t make a claim to land a third Drake but after the Week 1 his two Drakes had, I’m not surprised.

We had our first QB change with Dana wisely going after Baker Mayfield, about to face off against his former team, and dumping the concussed Kyler Murray. The concussion was bad but his first interception was worse. He did not look like an NFL QB throwing that one. How soon until he’s suiting up for the Las Vegas A’s? (They really need to change that team name. I thought it was a no-brainer to change when their copyright claim was rejected.)

Thee Gospel and Bernie rounded out the week by shuffling the deck chairs on their defense. Brendan wisely dumped a D-lineman for a middle linebacker while Bernie going after a slot corner who got a ton of tackles seem dicey since, if a slot corner needs to make that many tackles, he might not be long for the job.

Post-Waivers, Mark showed a no nonsense approach, cutting Keenan Allen who was charged with a OWI (I swear, every week there’s a new acronym for driving under the influence). Mark picked up Devin Singletary who mostly scored points on the same play that the Giants ran four times in one drive. Singletary was a last round Best Ball pick of mine so I’m not complaining but I don’t know if he’s standard fantasy relevant. Meanwhile, Colin realized that we weren’t lying to him when we said Oronde Gadsen was the third string TE for the Chargers and he went with Hunter Henry, who could be busier in the red zone now that AJ Brown is out.

Week 1 Results and Reactions

Not a great week for predictions as I’m underwater in both the heads up and top 9 calls but who cares when my team enters week 2 in first place!

GAME OF THE WEEK - BRENDAN vs. DANA
PICK: THEE GOSPEL / WINNER: THEE GOSPEL
I’d like to start off with an apology to Dana. A rule change I meant to put out there but forgot to was, in an 18 team league, we should draft a team at QB and you get any QB stats from the team rather than getting a specific QB and being SOL if your guy goes down. If that rule was in effect, Dana would have walked away with an easy victory. On the bright side for Dana, Ashton Jeanty made it look like Andy’s Top 5 prediction isn’t so crazy. I’d like to see him do it against a real NFL team but the usage, especially in the passing game, was impressive. On the flip side, De’Von* Achane could be in some trouble because this Dolphins team seems like it’s heading for an 0 - 16 season.
Somewhere in Burbank, Eli is SEETHING over Brendan’s lucky win. Stafford, Downs, and Warren should have better games but, even then, this feels like a low ceiling roster for Brendan and his only real hope of stepping up would be if his real life rooting interest - the Niners - suffer a major loss and Kaelon Black becomes the lead back.

*We need an athlete to popularize a new punctuation mark in their name. The unnecessary apostrophe like De’Von is played out. Maybe De*Von or De(Von). And was it an athlete who popularized that? I’ll never get over the impact that Jalen Rose’s mom had on the world when she coined that name.

UPSET OF THE WEEK - GRANT vs. JOHNNY
PICK: THE YEP NOTES / WINNER: THE YEP NOPES
Kenneth Walker III did his damndest but he couldn’t save Johnny from an upcoming name change. I called this upset but I did not see Johnny’s team failing to crack triple digits. Is there a chance that Justin Herbert just doesn’t have it? Johnny did have some positive performances from his bench guys Sadiq & Boston, and Romeo Doubs (despite having a horrible first game) should be the Patriots’ WR1 for the next month as AJ Brown recovers but this starting lineup walks out of Week 1 with a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.
Grant’s team heard the hate and used the 2nd to last place prediction as bulletin board material to nab a top three finish. And honestly, this might not be a fluke. The Commies seemed to really want to get Diggs the ball, Derrick Henry put to bed the “too old” fears, Dallas Goedert has the easiest schedule for TEs and if he gets banged up, Dalton Kincaid looked like he was primed for a breakout. Watson has already bumped Grant up to 12th place and we all know that Watson is never wrong!

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK - KEVIN vs. RAHUL
PICK: Gentleman in the Corner / WINNER: The Gentleman
Well, this was a dud in terms of competitiveness as this turned out to be the matchup between the highest and lowest scoring teams of the week. Rahul can at least brag about getting Patrick Mahomes for a steal. And this game really added injury to insult as AJ Brown went down and four other members of Rahul’s team head into Week 2 with the big red Q next to their name. Although Jordan Mason being banged up could be a blessing as it would make Aaron Jones the clear lead back and an easy Flex play. Year 2 of the Travis Hunter Experiment looks even worse than the first go-around but I believe Rahul is due another point for that one tackle Hunter managed to get on defense. I hate to say it but Watson dumped Rahul all the way to last place and AI might have gotten that one right.
BUT HOW ABOUT THAT GENTLEMAN?! In my typical New England curmudgeonly fashion, I did spend much of the Sunday bemoaning that I let Derek outbid me for Christian Watson and I ran out of roster spots (I should have stuck to my guns that Marshawn Lloyd isn’t that good) and didn’t have room for my sleeper Devaughn Vele but besides that, what a week! I don’t think Jordan Love is a good QB but with no Josh Jacobs, he’s going to have to throw a lot. (And when Jacobs comes back, well, I have him too!) David Montgomery’s 3 yards per carry wasn’t impressive but I just need him to get the red zone yards and it’ll be enough. Quinshon Judkins was disappointing but the Jags have a good defense and I feel like that could be Cleveland’s worst game of the season. I’m a little worried about Michael Wilson; I knew he could outperform Marvin Harrison Jr. but I forgot that Kendrick Bourne signed with Arizona and apparently, he is an All-Pro wideout whenever he gets to play with a former Patriots QB. Mac Jones last year and now Jacoby. But i still think he’ll be serviceable.
And who is scoffing at Isaiah Likely now?! This is probably the high water mark for my team but after a weekend of nothing but losing in Vegas, it’s nice to walk away with $50 for the weekly high score in Week 1.

ELI vs. BERNIE
PICK: THE BORTS / WINNER: Ktttssss!!!
Somewhere Denny Green is yelling, “The Borts are who we thought they were.” And they almost weren’t the Borts anymore, just sneaking in under the 50 point name change threshold. Oh the fun Bernie could have had with that one. Apologies to Eli for saying that Yurk was the reigning champ. The Fighting Borts hold that title even if they are the consensus last place team and just put up just 71 points, which has to be the worst opening week from a defending champ. Which had me thinking, to get in the Hall of Fame usually means one is retired and well past their glory days and maybe that’s what we’re seeing with Eli. It was a great run but now we’re just kind of wheeling him out there for nostalgia’s sake, pretending he still has his fastball like they do with David Lee Roth or Mitch McConnell.
As for his roster, Quentin Johnston didn’t go full Gabe Davis but he managed to avoid a big game despite playing the Cardinals and having Ladd McConkey go down with an injury. Omarion Hampton showed flashes but he lost more carries to Keaton Mitchell than I expected. George Pickens will have better days; Brian Thomas Jr. might not (and is already banged up again.) The Borts did excel in one area - they had the second most points on the bench this week.
Bernie survived bad outings from the Drakes (Bernie thought he got Cooper Rush out of his life when the Ravens got rid of him) to earn what he would declare to be a bad win since he was not one of the top 9 scorers of the week. Internet experts are hurtling themselves off of the Bhayshul Tuten bandwagon but it’s hard to glean anything from that week 1 blowout (besides Brian Thomas Jr. still not being very good at football anymore.) Trey McBride is a beast, Chuba Hubbard seems like he should carry the weight for the Panthers, and Chris Olave is legit as long as he can stay healthy (which he struggled to do at times on Sunday.) I’m not sure I’d say that Bernie is a contender but he should avoid being one of the Four Failures who don’t make the second season. (There’s gotta be a better name for the four teams that don’t make the playoffs. The Queef Quartet?)

BREAKING NEWS! We have just learned that Denny Green was not somewhere yelling because he’s apparently been dead for over a decade. More on this when details become available.

PLAYER #14 vs. MARK
PICK: THE SHOCKMASTERS / WINNER: VANCEINYOURPANTS
Player #14 admonished us all for not listening to Ben Johnson and bidding more on D’Andre Swift and it looks like he was, as with his politics, righter than right. Jeff not only picked up a double win this week but he also gets to put to bed the question on everyone’s mind “What the hell is The Shockmasters?” as his big win gives him the power to rename Mark’s team. Mark just needed like 10 points from the Nix/Waddle stack to avoid the ignominy of being rebranded by The Veep but good lord did they suck. The one QB rule is going to hurt Mark a bit as Bo’s schedule in the upcoming weeks looks full of more growing pains for Nix and new OC Davis Webb. You can’t drop Bo but you definitely can’t be excited about starting him. Mark did manage to be the only team to score more bench points than Eli but Monday brought news of Jalen Coker in a walking boot. This is to go along with McConkey’s chest injury and Dylan Sampson - a popular late round Best Ball pick of mine - looking like he’s going to miss “significant time”.
Player #14’s big week was even more impressive seeing as James Cook didn’t do much, Jake Ferguson did nothing, and Dak Prescott was fairly pedestrian. The only negative of the week was Zay Flowers re-injuring his hamstring. Word is that he’s day-to-day but this feels like one of those injuries that is going to keep popping up throughout the season and the Veep’s bench is lacking in legit WR options.

DEREK vs. JUSTIN
PICK: SADAT X / WINNER: Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit
Travis Kelce’s big reception put Yurk over the top and put him in the lead for a second mea culpa awards as I thought his team was terrible and they were one of the top scorers of the week. Jameson Williams didn’t help out much with some ugly drops and a generally terrible game. Lamar and Taylor carried Yurk to the double dub but I’m not sure how many weeks he can win when his IDP players outscore his three WRs.
Derek got a bad beat but walks away with one victory due to our new scoring system. Despite Chase’s bad opening Sunday, I think he and Watson could be the best WR duo in the league. Which they’ll have to be since I’m not wild about Etienne and Love. Jeremiyah looked good but Allgeier got more than his fair share of carries and James Connor is looming on the IR. Kendre Miller getting a red zone TD is a major red flag for Travis. It’s going to be interesting to see what the backfield split is when Alvin Kamara comes back. Sadat X should comfortably make the playoffs but Jaxson Dart will have to be a top 5 QB for him to be a true contender. At the very least, he is by no means the WORST team in the league as one lanky podcaster declared.

BRETT vs COLIN
PICK: K-KEL / WINNER: UNCLE RICO
Brett got an early look at life with JK Dobbins. He rarely comes up big, too often cedes red zone possessions, and even when he is good, you can’t sell high on him because nobody else believes that he can keep it up. The new scoring system gives Brett a little solace as he walks away with a Top 9 dub but I feel like his roster is going to be a pain in the ass. Which Eagle to start - Wicks or Smith - could become annoying. Matthew Golden is also part of an offense that spreads the ball around more than a fantasy owner would like. Kenny Gainwell seemed like the clear #2 back in Tampa and let me tell you, as talented as Breece Hall is, it sucks relying on the Jets offense. Still, 147 points without Brock Bowers is nothing to sneeze at. It was a great week for K-Kel even if they didn’t get the win.
Uncle Rico is back! Josh Allen, Javonte Williams, and Amon-Ra St. Brown have a chance to be the top scorers at their position. I wouldn’t bet on Javonte but he’s a rare workhorse who gets red zone carries in a (supposedly) high scoring offense. Even on a lackluster night for the offense, he came away with 21.7 points. The Flex spot is the main weakness. I wouldn’t want to rely on a Steelers back but there’s nobody on the bench better than the Uncle’s namesake Dowdle. Still, Uncle Rico is a stat correction or two away from being the #1 scorer of the week so full steam ahead!

NATE vs. NICO
PICK: BABYTOWN FROLICS / WINNER: BABYTOWN FROLICS
Greg Rousseau! Despite completely botching the position at the draft, Nate’s IDPs were the stars of his squad. Terry McLaurin should have better days but Kyle was yet again the Pitts and this just doesn’t seem like a team that’s going to finish in the Top 9 very often.
Nico was right to spend big on Gibbs but I absolutely hate the WR decisions he has to face each week. Courtland Sutton seems boom or bust with so many mouths to feed in Denver now. Wan’dale Robinson shouldn’t have left New York (I’m not sure which apostrophe is worse De’Von Achane’s or Wan’Dale’s. The real answer is minor leaguer Tre’ Morgan but that’s a discussion for another day.) The bench of Reed, Addison, and Deebo is talented but also a complete crapshoot from week to week. As for Tony Pollard, there’s no question about whether he should start or not but we may be a few weeks away from wondering if he should be on the bench at all.

ANDY vs. ERIC
PICK: PIZZA BEANS / WINNER: ONE SHADY MOTHA
Just like everyone predicted years ago, Caleb Williams vs. Trevor Lawrence is an elite QB matchup. This is a worrisome loss for Eric as he barely mustered 100 points despite getting 41 from Caleb. Almost 2/3s of his points came from Caleb and two IDP players. Puka should be better and I have to imagine Dicker the Kicker won’t have many more two point days but the rest of this roster isn’t inspiring and there isn’t much help coming from the bench.
Wooster tooted his own horn and called his team the 4th best in the league and while he didn’t live up to that billing, he still did nab one win this week. And Bucky Irving silenced a lot of critics in week 1 while DJ Moore showed what a true #1 WR can do with Josh Allen. But I still maintain that Christian McCaffrey isn’t going to earn his keep - especially if the Niners use their heads and split carries with Kaelon Black to try to keep McCaffrey healthy for the playoffs. Luther Burden mustered up 7 points in a game that saw Chicago put up 59. Mark Andrews looked old and I’m not sure he has a bounceback campaign in him. Andy inexplicably has two IDP guys on his bench but at least it makes it easier to drop someone this week. Arizona pulled off a massive upset and Marvin Harrison was the 5th option but at least Jonathon Brooks is a nice stash since Chuba’s always a bit banged up. I’m going to say that Eli or Watson are probably closer to being right about this team than the boastful Top 4 finish but stranger things have happened.

WEEK 1 RECORD: 4 - 5
COSTCO’S EXECUTIVE PLATINUM TITANIUM TOP 9 RECORD: 4 -5 (Brendan, Dana, Grant, Johnny, Eli, Nico, Mark, Derek, Player #14)

Ten Tunes: Foxy Shazam

A new segment that I’ll probably abandon before week 6 is a Lessons from Thursday Night Football and Ten Tunes, where I share ten tunes that I think people should give a listen to.

When it comes to the Ten Tunes for Week 1, the obvious choice is my Top Ten songs from Foxy Shazam. Brett posted that they are playing in Vegas soon and I can say that they were amazing when I saw them live years ago at the Troubadour but the problem is that they have a few albums since their peak (I’d say the peak was their self-titled second album) and I can’t say that I’d want to go to a concert and hear their deep cuts. Picking a top ten was difficult but only because there are probably 14 songs of their that I really love so it was tough to trim off the last 4.

As for Thursday Night Football, my easy new gig appears to be much more work than I expected so I’ll probably have to Bobby Boxscore this most weeks. All I can really comment about this week is how ridiculous the announcer sounded as he was simply SHOCKED that the Rams weren’t trying to tie the game as they were down three scores with just over three minutes left in the 4th quarter in a game they weren’t really fired up about playing in the first place.

But that’s clearly not enough so let me put on my ESPN Talking Head hat and make some wild overreactions to one game.

LA Rams? More like LA BUMS, AMIRITE?! This is the team that the entire NFC is supposed to be afraid of? Is Aaron Donald going to make up the difference between the hype and the hooey we saw on the field down under? Maybe showing up just this morning wasn’t the best idea.

Apologies to the 49ers. I alway think this is the year they are exposed but they keep doing it. Brock Purdy is legit. The defense was much better than expected. If Kaelon Black can keep it up, it won’t be great for Christian McCaffrey’s fantasy numbers but it’ll help him have something left in the tank for the second half of the season. Even Mike Evans - maligned by the podcast - got into the act. Although, to be fair, I think Eli and Andy’s issue with ol’ Mike is a longer term deal - can he stay healthy and deliver in a league where the regular season is basically just prologue to the wild playoff format.

Matthew Stafford regression season is upon us! Sell your shares and lower your target prices for Puka and Davante! Kyren Williams also better score touchdowns because Blake Corum could quickly become the chairman of that committee.

OVER/UNDER on the decibel level of Eli’s scream when Brendan’s kicker Eddy Pineiro missed that last kick?

And finally, this is unrelated to football but it’s basketball and I need to complain to someone about this but WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE BULLSHIT UNIFORMS?! Nike’s alternate NBA uniforms are always garbage but these look like someone just tried Photoshop for the first time. At least they had the common sense to put a punk ass white kid in the Celtics jersey. The funniest thing about these uniforms is that the write-up said, “The uniforms include details inspired by each franchise's history, city heritage and fan culture.” What? Is that Celtics jersey highlighting the love of green beer in Boston or something? The Nike swoosh is bigger than the damn city names. What a mess.

Week 1 Predictions

GAME OF THE WEEK

BRENDAN vs. DANA
We all know who Eli is rooting for in this one. Eli’s favorite member of the league vs. his arch nemesis is a hell of a way to kick off the season as I think both of these teams are going to walk away with at least one win as they both should put up Top 9 scores for the week. So who gets the heads-up dub?
Obviously, JSN’s big game gives Brendan the edge but this is possibly the worst week to face Dana as it could be the high water mark for both Jeanty and Achane. Egbuka gets a plus matchup and I think Kyler should be able to muster up a reasonable day despite the fact that Green Bay and Minnesota will likely be a run-heavy game.
The question for this matchup is: How good is the AFC North? The Ravens SHOULD have a good defense but they certainly didn’t live up to the hype last year. Will the Steelers still be able to defy the odds and play over their heads now that Mike Tomlin is gone? My guess is that both teams might focus on stopping the run, which is bad for Brendan’s main man Bijan Robinson but good for his two Colts as the focus on Jonathan Taylor could open up Downs and Warren for big games. I’m most confident betting the Over on this one but for the matchup dub, I’m going to give the nod to the dark side and THEE GOSPEL.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

GRANT vs. JOHNNY
Wednesday night proved that the biggest fear surrounding Jadarian Price is true - no matter how wide the talent gap may be, the Seahawks are going to split carries between their RBs. Even worse, I feel like Price was off the field for most of Seattle’s red zone plays. That being said, it’s tough to pick against Johnny’s big guns this week. The only fear for Justin Herbert is that the Cardinals are so bad that it becomes a blowout early, limiting his pass attempts. CeeDee Lamb should have a big game against the G-Men. The Niners’ secondary isn’t good so Davante Adams should feast down under.
But we all know that Johnny brings out the best in his opponents and Grant’s team already looked like they were heading towards a Top 9 finish. Some “experts” are still holding the Saints’ defense in high regard but they lost three starters in the secondary so I think Jared Goff can have himself a day. Derrick Henry should find running room against the Colts. When was the last time Cincy had a reasonable defense? I think Chris Godwin is ready and able to prove that it’s not this year. Philly’s strong secondary might actually help Stefon Diggs as Terry McLaurin could struggle to get open against Quinyon Mitchell. I feel like Washington is also a go spot for TEs so Dallas Goedert might hit the ground running. I’ve gone back and forth on this one but I think I’m ready to pull the trigger and say that the consensus 2nd worst team in the league is going to take down the supposed best team in the league this year in another Johnny Points Against special. A yay for The Yep Nopes.

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

KEVIN vs. RAHUL
In high school, Kevin’s freshman basketball coach wrote of him, “Kevin is adept at diagnosing what people are doing wrong and then going out and doing worse.” Sadly, that has been a truism for much of Mendo’s life. Never more so than this draft in which the #1 priority was to not draft players from bad teams. It honestly would have been hard to fail harder at that.
What’s even crazier is that these are bad teams don’t even seem to have a lot of good matchups? They certainly don’t in Week 1.
But my BOLD PREDICTION for this game is that if Rahul doesn’t need a new QB before the game, he’ll need one after it. KC’s line is in shambles; playing Patrick Mahomes is malpractice. The best thing for both the Chiefs and Rahul is ruling Mahomes out. Rahul would be able to pick up Baker Mayfield, who has a much better matchup than Patty.
I have a feeling that this could be the lowest scoring matchup of the week as nobody on Rahul’s team outside of Saquon jumps out at me. Carnell Tate gets the Jets but he’s coming off of a preseason in which he didn’t get a catch in three games.
In the end, this is still Kevin’s alter-ego writing this and he needs to have faith in himself so we’re going to roll with THE GENTLEMAN IN THE CORNER but I don’t see either of these teams picking up a Top 9 win.

THE REST

ELI vs. BERNIE
When it comes to preseason picks, this one is a blowout as nobody has much faith in Eli. Bernie isn’t quite the belle of the ball but he’s a contender. But the matchups kind of favor Eli in this one with Hampton and Johnston facing the woeful Cardinals while Bernie got to watch whatever the actual fuck Drake Maye was doing with those three picks.
It’s not easy picking Eli when he’s starting Brian Thomas Jr. while the unwanted Tucker Kraft might be on a snap count as he comes back from injury but I feel like this is a good week to face the snake. Side note - What does ESPN have against Payton Wilson? I think he scored under 4 points once last year and they give him one of the lowest projections I’ve seen for an IDP player. Trey and Chuba will do their best to keep it close but we’re going with the The Fighting Borts to pick up two wins this week.

PLAYER #14 vs. MARK
This is yet another matchup that isn’t really loaded with tasty matchups except for a Charger facing the Cards. Ladd McConkey could get off to a hot start and I also am kind of liking the Nix/Waddle stack - fired up after being ASSAILED on the podcast - to show out in Week 1. I think Chase Brown is going to have to show something for Mark to grab a two win weekend but I think The Shockmasters will deliver a matchup win against everyone’s favorite conservative.

DEREK vs. JUSTIN
ESPN has Derek as the third highest point getter this week but outside of Dart and Chase, I’m not loving it. Jeremiyah Love sitting would help out as it would give Allgeier the lion’s share of the carries against the Chargers but is that enough to land a top 9 finish? You’ll notice that I’m focusing on the point totals here because, well, Yurk? More like YUCK! amirite? Sadat X will start his worst-to-first campaign with a W against the reigning champ.

BRETT vs COLIN
Maybe I just don’t like anything anymore. Yet another matchup that has a lot of red flags. Cleveland sucks but their defense is still solid without Myles Garrett so that’s not a layup for the Jags. I think the Hurts/Smith stack should put up points but now Bowers is missing a slam dunk matchup against the lowly Dolphins. How much can Houston’s top ranked defense slow down Josh Allen? Enough to complement Javonte and Amon-Ra? I’m going to say not enough and roll with K-KEL INC’s supporting cast to bring home the W.

NATE vs. NICO
So Nate come back to the league, brings a great attitude to the draft, and is rewarded by being lashed at for side conversations during the draft and then accused of faking an allergy so he’d have to eat two strawberry moon pies over one chocolate one, which is bizarre since Eli could have easily bought a full-sized Vanilla or Banana Moon Pie to avoid the alleged allergy. Normally, I wouldn’t even acknowledge this kind of bullshit propaganda put forth by the podcast but it’s probably better than talking about Nate’s team this week. The palindrome pals Cam and Mac might be able to do something but I think the rest of the squad faces an uphill climb. Technically, Nabers has a decent matchup against Dallas but I don’t think he’s healthy.
Nico is beloved by the algos. Both ESPN and FantasyPros have him as a top scoring team of the week but I feel like Purdy is gonna get spanked by the Rams, the Lions’ passing attack might do more damage this week than Gibbs, and I’ve never been able to figure out when Courtland Sutton is going to show up. Still, even though I have to say that I don’t like picking a team that sounds like a Jeffrey Epstein musical, Babytown Frolics are probably the way to go. And I’ll even bend a knee to my AI overlords and toss Nico in the top 9 for shits and giggles.

ANDY vs. ERIC
The Mendo Overthinks It move of the week is to sit Rome Odunze for Makai Lemon. The common sense move of the week would have been to move TreVeyon Henderson into the IR spot but has anyone told Eric that there’s an IR spot?
The only guy on Andy’s roster with a matchup I like is Bucky Irving, who could be a bit better than usual this week since Sean Tucker is nursing a hamstring injury. I have zero shares of Bucky in my Best Ball drafts which means he has a shot at being a top running back this year.
But after being besmirched by the pod. Jaylen Warren could have his revenge as he faces arguably the worst defensive line in the NFL. And I like Puka’s odds of breaking out much better than C-Mac’s so I’m giving this one to Pizza Beans.

And we have a late breaking development; a new sponsor has arrived to the blog so I’m proud to announce our new benefactor for each week’s Top 9 winner.

COSTCO’S EXECUTIVE PLATINUM TITANIUM TOP 9
Brendan, Dana, Grant, Johnny, Eli, Nico, Mark, Derek, Player #14

Podcast Review 9/8

This podcast appears to be over 90 minutes long so I’m just going to give live reactions and be done with it. I have no life but even I can’t spend more time than that on this podcast. So let’s get to it!

—-

Wow. Barely into the pod and the gaslighting has begun with Eli’s "We're going to make this quick."

We’re kicking off the podcast with manufactured conspiracies? What is this? Infowars? And now Andy is suggesting killing dogs to solve this “issue”.
I’m going to pause the pod for a second so I can add that I was wildly impressed by the poems that were delivered at the draft and instead of regaling in the creativity of this friend group, we’re talking about some bullshit with the moon pies and fake ass cappuccinos? (Or CAPpuccinos as the kids might say.) The moon pies were arguably the worst whammy of the entire event. I guess because our hosts’ poems were amongst the bottom of the barrel they don’t want to talk about it. But I say Great job, League! OK, back to the pod.

They are still talking about moon pies. This is is not a promising start to this season of the podcast. Are we hearing the podcast jump the shark? Mercifully, I just heard someone say "Gotta keep it moving."

Side note: I will eat Moon Pies again before I ever eat at Battista’s. Maybe the worst meal I’ve ever had in Vegas.

Why would you ever add Watson into the mix? Watson has pretty much proven to be an utter disaster at predicting fantasy football success. I do wonder which has been worse - Watson or whatever Yahoo uses to predict the best draft. There is no worse curse than winning the Yahoo Best Draft award.

On the bright side, Andy’s “system” might be the most effort he’s ever put into the podcast outside of the first few alien updates.

Thanks to Andy for nipping Eli's rosterbating over his own team in the bud. When someone starts talking about RJ Harvey, you know that it’s time to pull the plug.

I guess I spoke too soon about Andy bringing more effort this year. "Yep, this team is boring" is the searing insight that we've come to expect from Andy. You really get what you pay for with this podcast.

26 minutes in and we’re losing steam. Eli references Brandon Jacobs who hasn’t played in the NFL in over a decade.

One passing comment that I agree with is that I never get the references of Mark’s team names.

Andy’s silence on supporting End Racism is deafening. “Well… sure.” I feel like inviting four more honkies - including one with an aversion to chocolate - into the league has people feeling a little more comfortable exposing their prejudices. Did Eli expand the league to celebrate 20 years or to combat The Great Replacement?

Andy shows that he’s in midseason form with “I think DJ Metcalf is better than people give him credit for.”

“Yeah, yeah, I don’t know” will be the name of Andy’s memoir.

Travis Etienne announced that his last name is pronounce Achane but apparently this podcast doesn’t care or doesn’t know or doesn’t respect non-white people enough to get their names right. Etienne is probably too Cajun for this country club. How soon until Player #14 is back on the podcast? I thought the podcast was jumping the shark but now I think we’re seeing a heel turn.

Ashton Jeanty can be top 5?! Andy doesn’t like guys on bad teams but now is saying that someone who might miss week 1 and if/when he does get healthy, will be running behind KIRK COUSINS! and a terrible offense is potentially Top 5? Where’s the consistency?

Eli cites “Egbuka before injury” as evidence of a higher ceiling this year, which is odd since Egbuka is already injured again this year.

This has been a longstanding issue but, with the pod’s glaring turn towards the right wing, Eli’s insistence on using a hard R in One Shady Motha is troubling. And likely VERY telling.

Andy seems to be basing most of his insight on how people played last year although it’s been fairly well documented that fantasy success is not often repeatable.

Fun Fact: Christian McCaffrey hasn’t survived the season after getting 250+ carries the year prior and he got over 300 last season.

This podcast needs an intermission. Or a mercy killing.

I’d say this podcast could’ve been an email but it definitely would have gone to the spam folder so a podcast is a better way to make sure we all suffer through it.

“He doesn’t have a set it and forget it WR”, says the guy who is starting Brian Thomas Jr. and Quentin Johnston. I’m going to take this time to bring up something that will make this pod very enjoyable this season and that is the fact that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is less emotionally equipped to deal with boom-or-bust players than Eli and his roster is stacked with them.

An hour and 8 minutes into the podcast, Andy utters “Let me think”, which would be the first for this podcast.

I’m going to bring up the downside of Johnny’s roster - Kenneth Walker can’t stay healthy, KC’s line is beat to shit, and Walker always bounces runs to the outside and both of the Chiefs’s tackles are hurt. Jadarian Price didn’t even handle a full workload in college, had very little in the way of receiving work, and didn’t muster a single carry in the preseason because he was already banged up a bit. I think there’s a real concern about those guys being in one piece at the end of the season and Price will likely lose carries to Charbonnet when the games start to matter. Hell, given how the Seahawks run things, I wouldn’t be surprised if George Holani got far more playing time than expected. Johnny’s TE position is a recovering George Kittle and the Jets’ backup TE, who was also dealing with an injury. Johnny might have a strongest receiving core in the league but my guess is that he’ll eventually need to make a trade to fill in some holes when the bumps and bruises of an NFL season start to wear on his lineup.

After suffering through an hour and a half of this alleged podcast, we now have the worst new segment ever farted in our face. Adding insult to injury, Eli won’t even own coming up with it, already blaming poor Dana for being the impetus of this abortion.
- Good lord, he’s reading the e-mail addresses?
- ”In case you don’t remember” This guy has zero clue who Eli is.
- This e-mail was definitely never read by anyone at corporate. Immediate delete.
- That might have been the most embarrassing Harvard name drop in the history of Harvard. Does Harvard have an editing class so we can get this podcast down to a reasonable length?
- What is this email? Oh my god, Costco lost 3200 dollars?
- Wait, you’ve been at Costco for all of these years and don’t know that executive members get in early? THAT is what set this all off? I’ve never had a Costco membership and even I know that!
- The worst part about that email is that Eli is going to rejoin Costco before 2027 is over.
- I’ve never turned off the podcast but I’m coming very close. What is this?!
- I might cancel my podcast subscription after that debacle.

I’ve never wanted to hear an AI generated outro more in my life.

Final Thought - That was a great draft we just had and it was disappointing that this podcast couldn’t live up to it. An hour and a half for Andy to say he doesn’t like guys on bad teams and for Eli to say that he likes the teams that drafted the guys he wanted to draft seems excessive. If Eli and Andy were NFL players, they’d be put on the Commissioner’s Exempt list for this assault on our ears. Do better, gentlemen!

Eli's Recap Email Review

Again, as the great Bernie Kim once said, this e-mail could have been a podcast.

I will note that there was nary a mention of Anda in the recap e-mail. Are the rumors (that I’m making up right now) of a growing rift between the Dandyelions true? Clearly, Anda would be Garfunkel to Eli’s Simon but who would be the Hall and who the Oates in this situation? Did the aliens finally get to Wooster? When will we ever see Eli’s 2025 movie tiers list? Inquiring minds don’t really care but it would be nice to see some follow thru from the fellas to kick off the new year.

Besides that, Eli’s email accomplished very little besides giving the dictionary a new example for the word “masturbatory”. Can we agree that when the historians discuss this season that it’ll go down as the BULLSHIT! season? Should we all apologize to Eli’s family for likely emboldening his temper tantrums as it appears that they bookended a glorious championship season in 2025?

Eli also forgot to mention the one thing that probably needed to be sent in an email - Derek, who abstains from both pod and blog, came in last place and shall be running the draft board next year as his punishment.

I did appreciate seeing that Brendan was so confident in his ability to land in the money that he still hasn’t paid his dues.

To keep the football discussion alive, I also have two early ideas to discuss.

1. Cut the season by a week. If we stick at 14 teams, cutting a week means everyone plays each team once and we also get to wrap up the season before Christmas.

2. In-Season League Trip. We don’t know the schedules yet but we do know that the Patriots are playing in Seattle (and Los Angeles) and the Bills are playing in Vegas next year. Should we try to put together another trip for the league in 2026?

And, as always, no kickers. (Or, at least, change the kicker points as discussed on WhatsApp. Which reminds me…)

3. A New Chat App. WhatsApp is a safe space from Eli’s vitriol but it would be nice to get everyone on the same app. Should we try Discord or something else next season? Which tech bro is Eli not boycotting? Can carrier pigeons make the flight from LA to Buffalo?

Anyway, thanks everyone for a fun season and thanks again Eli for putting everything together. And if anyone wants to join the vaunted Eli, Mark, Mendo trivia team, we can let you know when the next one will be!

ROUND 1 RECAP

The Fantasy Gods really let it be known that I have no place in the second season. A woeful 0 - 3 performance and, had I made it into the playoffs over Bernie, I would have suffered a torturous 153.3 - 152.2 defeat. I like to tell myself that I might have switched out Devine Deablo or Isaiah Likely if I was actually in the playoffs but history has shown that I probably wouldn’t have made the game-saving change.

So what the hell happened?!

PLAYER #14 vs MARK - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: MARK
If there’s a lesson that I ignore the most, it’s that matchups don’t really matter. I think that there are some more football-related matchup factors - for instance, Alec Pierce is notably better against defenses that play 2-high safeties - but the general matchup rankings don’t really make all that much of an impact (as evidenced by Isaiah Likely dropping a goose-egg against the worst ranked TE defense.) Jeff had the matchups but all signs pointed to his team being on a decline. I was correct about Travis Etienne blowing up against the Jets but nobody else on showed up. I was also mostly correct about Mark but Michael Wilson did better than expected and Eddy Pineiro was a late addition and OBVIOUSLY I would have picked Mark if I knew that he was employing a first-generation Cuban-Nicaraguan to take down the OC’s newest fascist regime.

JOHNNY vs BRETT
There was a pop punk band a while back called The Regrettes and they would absolutely record the theme song for this game as both teams left 70+ points on the bench. For Johnny, Emeka Egbuka farted out his eighth single digit performance in the last 9 games and Tet McMillan hit the rookie wall as well. Tony Pollard continued his campaign to be the most maddening fantasy player of the last few years although Brett’s Kyle Pitts might have cemented his #1 status on that front, dropping a massive 40.1 points while riding the pine.
Even though I picked the wrong team to win, I’m going to pat myself on the back on this because I did write that Johnny had “massive boom-bust potential… and this matchup could be much like their first game, which Johnny won by a mere 1.2 points.” Pretty amazing that their two matchups combined were decided by fewer than 2 points.
PICK: JOHNNY

COLIN vs BERNIE - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: COLIN
I should have gone with my gut. I thought that Colin could pull off the upset and the plus matchups did pan out for his studs. Bernie’s Jayden Higgins gambit played out as I suspected and Philip Rivers didn’t hit Tyler Warren as often as I’d expected. Warren probably reminded Rivers of his eldest son and didn’t want him to get lit up by the grown men on defense. (It’s a six year difference but that’s much closer than Warren is to Rivers.) This was another reminder of the second and third lessons that I keep ignoring - Stud & Scrub is a championship-winning strategy and never bet against Colin.