Week 9 Picks!

Yet another 5 - 2 week for The Gentleman. Somehow a lot of this week’s game potentially hinge on the blech Thursday Night matchup of Baltimore vs. Miami.

GAME OF THE WEEK

ELI vs MARK
One time Trivia Night partners turned bitter rivals, Eli and Mark battle to see if The Borts can remain undefeated. We’ll see if Eli has the cajones to spew more scathing diatribes about Mr. Bodenrader or if there will once again be silence on the podcast airwaves as Eli is afraid to get out from under his bed for fear of the Brendandook. That being said, it seems like Eli is feeling confident this week as he’s starting former porn star Colston Loveland. Loveland is a Fantasy Podcasts Told Me To Start Him pick if I’ve ever seen one.
Kimani Vidal should keep this one close but I think the matchups favor the skinny Chiklis in this one.
PICK: ELI

BERNIE vs JUSTIN
Watson’s nail biter of the week, Justin clings to his playoff hopes like The VP groping a plush ottoman (The actual Vance, not our local Veep but maybe Player #14 is into fornicating with furniture as well.) The Thursday Night key for this game is De’Von Achane, who needs to keep pace with Christian McCaffrey. But Bernie has a lot of question marks heading into this one - can Drake London play and will he be shadowed by Christian Gonzalez? Will Joe Flacco trade or could Jake Browning be back and lowering Chase Brown’s ceiling? The Titans’ defense sucks but will the Chargers look to get Quentin Johnston involved more (instead of Bernie’s Keenan Allen) after last week’s donut? I think Watson is right that this one could go either way. I’d love to see The Champ keep his hopes alive but I think Bernie might have the matchups he needs to get back over .500.
PICK: BERNIE

DEREK vs COLIN
The Davises duke it out! Colin seeks revenge for Derek not spotting him some money for his 15tb post-draft lap dance at Chicas Bonitas. Derek looks to continue his redemption tour after the still-bewildering Ja’Marr Chase trade. The Joe Flacco injury and potential return of Jayden Daniels throws a twist into this one so there’s a chance Derek could pull off the upset but it would indeed be an upset and I’m going with the safer pick.
PICK: COLIN

RAHUL vs THE GENTLEMAN
Of course, Lamar Jackson comes back when I have to face Rahul! It’s always tough to figure out Drambuie games because Rahul seems to wait until the last minute to fix his lineups but he should be able to take this week either way. The Gentleman is going to need Lamar to be extra rusty despite all of those alleged full practices. If the Lamar/Zay stack don’t deliver on Thursday night, then maybe the Corner Boys will have a shot in this one.
PICK: RAHUL

BRETT vs BRENDAN
FUN FACT: Travis Kelce, in his 183rd game, tied Priest Holmes for the lead for most TDs (non-QB) in Chiefs’ history. The crazy part is that Priest Holmes got his 83 touchdowns in just 65 games.
I really want to pick the upset in this one but I’m not sure I can pull the trigger on it. The Thursday Night lynchpin for this one is Malik Washington. If Malik can go off against the shaky Ravens secondary, Brett has a chance. Arizona’s defense isn’t too shabby and could slow down the Dak/CeeDee stack, KC’s run defense will focus on shutting James Cook, Brian Thomas is banged up. The difference makers for Brendan will be Rashid Shaheed and Alvin Kamara. I don’t think Kamara will do anything on the ground against the Rams but he could be a checkdown target for rookie Tyler Shough. (Do you think when he throws an INT, he says, “Shucks”?) And Shaheed was Tyler’s favorite target when he got into the game last week. As for Brett, he’s still starting Kenneth Gainwell, I assume because Kenny used to play for the Eagles. Kyle Pitts should have a good game; the Patriots defense is strong but they are not good against tight ends. The kickers are facing off and I think I have more faith in Denver being able to move the ball than Houston. Dang. I just can’t do it.
PICK: BRENDAN

DANA vs JOHNNY
If Dana puts in Kareem Hunt, Ashton Jeanty, and David Montgomery, he could have a chance. That being said, those guys could also put up a combined 12 points. If Caleb was ever going to make Dana proud of his trade, it’s this week against a weak Bengals defense, although that squad has to be fired up after their embarrassing performance against the Jets last week. Dana should probably also toy with the idea of picking up Jacoby Brissett to limit Johnny’s options if Kyler Murray can’t go on Monday Night.
I really don’t like Johnny’s options this week and I would rather bet the Under for his team than pick a winner here but, alas, that’s not how this works.
PICK: JOHNNY

PLAYER #14 vs ANDY
Last and most certainly least, we have The Veep vs The Sellout. Even The Veep would be ashamed at how quickly Wooster saw the Ls piling up and decided to throw away his morals to back a winning team. One Shady Motha is the Lindsey Graham of our gridiron Congress - feeble, weak-willed, and reliant on Carolina whites to have any chance of victory. What a waste of Drake Maye’s MVP season.
I’m sure that Eli will give Andy the bad news that this week’s most notable drop candidate by fantasy pundits in none other than Matthew Golden. Honestly, there’s an argument to be made that both teams would have been better had they nixed that trade and just dropped both guys. Especially since the player picked up off of waivers for $0 right after that trade was none other than Rico Dowdle.
Speaking of Dowdle, The Veep benefits from Dave Canales coming to his senses and giving Rico the starting job and most of the carries (reportedly) instead of splitting them. It turns out when Chuba Hubbard gets knocked down, he doesn’t get up again and it’s preferable to keep him down. Juwan Johnson was a nice pickup since the Saints’ rookie will probably lean heavily on the TE position. The Veep should get a schedule win this week; I can’t imagine he’ll be a top scorer but he’ll do enough to beat a guy who couldn’t even muster up a podcast last week.
PICK: PLAYER #14

Week 8 Picks Review

Real football saw a week of blowouts but The Vegas League saw some real squeakers that could still go either way should there be any stat corrections.

BERNIE vs ELI - PICK: ELI / WINNER: ELI
For a half, it looked like Bernie could be the one to upend The Commish but then Patrick Mahomes woke up and it was a wrap. Eli’s lack of faith in Jaylen Waddle continues to amaze but he’s made a couple of great FA pickups in Harold Fannin and Woody Marks. Word is that McBarge will be getting Puka back for the grudge match against the league’s second best podcaster.
As for Bernie, it was a tough loss as he second highest score of the week. But, on the bright side, he did that without Drake London and Davante Adams while Quinshon Judkins left his game early due to an injury that sounds like he should be recovered from after their bye week this week. It also looks like Joe Flacco has revived Chase Brown’s fantasy season.

BRENDAN vs RAHUL - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRENDAN
I don’t think Lamar Jackson would have mattered. Brendan had a down week from the Dak/CeeDee stack but nothing really matters when your opponent farts out 68.1 points. Kirk Cousins is a DeShaun Watson away from being the worst contract in the NFL. Bill’s days as the lead rusher for the Commies should be over. Cam Skattebo getting hurt isn’t as big of an issue since Rahul wisely held onto Tyrone Tracy Jr.. The cherry on top of the turd Sunday was Rahul picking up Terrel Bernard, who didn’t play. I hesitate to talk too much smack about Rahul right before we have our matchup and he’s also getting Jaxon Smith-Njigba back and perhaps Lamar and Nico Collins as well. Also, ultimately, this was a good win for the league because it keeps the threat of Brendan hovering over Eli. Can someone pay one of the neighborhood kids to dress up as Brendan for Halloween?

PLAYER #14 vs JOHNNY - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: PLAYER #14
Breaking News: Fresh off of the Terry Rozier/Chauncey Billups arrests, a new point shaving scandal has arisen. There are murmurs of a caucasian conspiracy in this game as The Veep’s white guys scored 54.2 and the team with the Spanish name mustered just 14.9. That made all the difference in this low scoring affair. One hopes that The Commish will launch an investigation in this clear violation of the standards of fairness. The Veep reportedly has issued a statement, “The only fairness we’re concerned about is the fairness of skin! White is right!”
This was a disappointing end of Johnny’s win streak and he now has to pick up a QB for Week 9 as Baker is on a bye. But hopefully, the week off will right whatever’s hampering Emeka Egbuka who hasn’t been the same since he injured his hammy.

THE GENTLEMAN vs MARK - PICK/WINNER: THE GENTLEMAN
I’m hoping this win holds up and that the stat correction gods don’t rip this one from me. I was so dismayed by the Sunday Night game that I totally screwed up my Fantasy Basketball draft. I thought the game was going to come down my inexplicably prioritizing Talanoa Hufanga over JD Bertrand. (I’m sure Player #14 just read that and yelled, “WHITE IS RIGHT!”) I also never should have doubted Christian Watson, who stepped right in to drop double-digits. To think, the podcast mocked me for not dropping him.
Mark put together a strong lineup to almost overcome his Byemageddon. For all of the crap I got for dropping Juaun Jennings, the worst drop of the season might be Chase McLaughlin. Although can Mark hold onto him this week during the Bucs bye? Can the rested McBarge spoil The Commish’s undefeated season?

JUSTIN vs DEREK - PICK: JUSTIN / WINNER: DEREK
REDEMPTION FOR DEREK! Well, kind of. Justin Herbert blew up on Thursday night but Deebo could only muster 3.7 points. But Oronde Gadsden looks like a great pickup and Isaiah Davis seems like he has a real role in New York and could be a nice find if Breece Hall does get dealt. The Double Rs (Rome and Rashee) are a top notch WR duo; Sadat X’s lineup is starting to come together.
As for The Champ, well, it’s going to be Jim James on repeat for the rest of the season. Touchdown Terry hurt his hammy again. Christian McCaffrey is being force fed the ball but doesn’t have the same zip as he did last season and could be getting worn down. Justin better start wearing the championship belt as much as possible because it’s going somewhere else next year.

COLIN vs DANA - PICK: COLIN / WINNER: COLIN
Not a good week for the Caleb/Jeudy for Breece Hall trade. At least, Ladd McConkey established his dominance over early season hero Quinton Johnson. Johnson was one of two donuts that Colin rostered this week yet he still managed 138 points. 2024 Saquon showed up finally. He, Josh. Javonte, and Tucker Kraft were all that Uncle Rico needed to secure this victory. But Ja’Marr Chase threw up another 15.1 to remind his brother of what a mistake it was to trade him. Chase has 42 targets since Joe Flacco took over… TWO GAMES AGO! Also, how does a team named Sadat X trade Lord Ja’Marr? Next year, I demand that Derek end up with Chase and Grand Puka to reform Brand Nubian.

ANDY vs BRETT - PICK: BRETT / WINNER: BRETT
It’s was almost One Shady Motha’s One Shining Moment but, alas, it wasn’t meant to be as Isiah Pacheco’s 5.8 vs Matthrew Golden’s 1.9 made all the difference in this one. And people questioned The Gentleman’s take on that trade. Drake Maye heard his name in trade rumors and put up one of his best games of the season in hope that some other team will trade for him and save him from this crumbling franchise. Even Myles Garrett felt bad for Drake having to watch these peak performances go to waste.
Brett needs to hope all of my trash talking hasn’t upset the stat correction gods but it looks like a gutsy victory for the Booty Slappers. Brendan and Brett will battle it out for the chance to go over .500 next week and possibly squeak into the playoffs. I’m still not wild about Brett’s chance but if Malik Washington can continue to improve, it’ll give the Thick Cakes a fighting chance.

The Roads Ahead

With the regular season halfway over, let’s look at the paths each team have ahead of them. This epic and stupidly long Power Ranking (I can already hear Andy’s “I’m not reading all of that!”) is by the team’s Championship odds. As of now, my thinking is that it’s going to take 8 wins to make the playoffs.

14. Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ
SCHEDULE: Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0)

Dana never really overcame the crushing preseason blow of having to change his team’s name. This is a team with a clear lack of identity; Fake Tigers? Fake Tights? Fake Tikkas? What does it all mean?
Dana’s schedule isn’t easy but he does have some bye week luck - he faces Johnny on the Bucs bye week so no Baker or Egbuka, he faces Brendan without Kamara and Shaheed, and he ends the season against a Skattebo-less Rahul. Sadly, I’m not sure it’s going to make much of a difference. He simply doesn’t have the players to pull off a massive comeback. He needs a big second half from Ashton Jeanty but Vegas’ Rest of Season schedule is rough and the Raiders offense isn’t showing any signs of improvement. And no, I don’t think Gardner Minshew will make it any better. The one thing going for Dana is that I believe he was on the winning Rock Band team which means he will not be eligible for the Last Place Punishment.

13. SADAT X
SCHEDULE: Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0)

If Bucky Irving can come back and have a legit role in the Bucs’ offense, Derek has a chance to avoid the last place punishment and perhaps play spoiler in the final weeks of the season. Unfortunately, his three best players haven’t had their bye which means he can probably already lock up Weeks 8 (Kenneth Walker bye), 10 (Rashee Rice bye) and 12 (Justin Herbert bye) as losses. Week 11 vs. Andy is a Must Win for Derek and I’m sorry to say that the matchups seem to favor the Mischevious Matriarch that week. After that, I think Derek’s season basically comes down to getting revenge on me in Week 13 for all of the trash I’ve talked about the Ja’Marr Chase trade.
Of course, they still have to play the games and there’s a world in which Herbert, Rice, Walker, and Irving can light up the scoreboard so anything is possible. I’m just not willing to bet on it.

12. ONE SHADY MOTHA
SCHEDULE: Thick cakes. Big stakes (3-4-0), VanceinyourPants (5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-0), Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0)

In the second half of the season, Andy does get to face three of the four worst teams in the league but he’s the fourth member of the quartet so it might not matter. He also has the bad luck of facing Uncle Rico twice this season and Week 14 is Drake Maye’s bye week. On the bright side, Andy doesn’t really have any bye weeks issues before Week 14. The good thing about not having any talent on the roster is that you don’t miss anyone when their gone.
Andy is definitely in the crosshairs of the Last Place Punishment but I feel like he should be able to take down Dana and Derek, which would give him a potentially insurmountable three game lead over Sadat X.
But Kevin, why so negative? What about a late race to the top of the standings? I’m just not seeing it. Andy is second to last in points. He’s tied at 2 - 5 with Justin but Justin has 171 more points. If Andy played Dana’s schedule, he’d be 0 - 7. Derek’s? 1 - 6. This is a team that can’t get Andy fired up for any podcast roster rants so I doubt they’ll be able to muster up a win streak to get into playoff contention.

11. THICK CAKES. BIG STAKES.
SCHEDULE: One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0). The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), VanceinyourPants (5-2-0)

After this week, Brett doesn’t face a single team that is under .500. And we’re only now entering the weeks when byes are about to take their toll. He lucks into facing Andy while Kyren Williams is on bye, but Hurts/Smith are off the next week against Brendan, and then The Gentleman gets to avoid Higgins, Pacheco, Kelce, and Bolton.
This week is basically a Must Win game for Brett. Once Brett gets past his bye issues, he actually has great matchups for three weeks but, unfortunately, Mark (Week 11) and Eli (Week 13) have even better matchups. I’m not sure Brett will be favored in any of those games but he could have a shot at upsetting Rahul in Week 12. Brett didn’t get much love from the schedule gods; he has to face the Veep twice. In Week 14, Player #14 doesn’t have his Panthers (and has some iffy matchups) so there’s a chance that, despite a losing season, The Booty Slapper could end on a high note, but end in the regular season it shall.

10. CLAY SAYS SHIIT SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
SCHEDULE: Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0)

Justin is emulating his guy Jameson Williams with boom/bust performances this season. He is 4th in points on the strength of three huge games. Unfortunately, this approach has him sitting at 2 - 5 with a relatively difficult 2nd half schedule. Getting Terry McLaurin back should help and Travis Hunter becoming a bigger part of the Jags’ offense could make that experiment finally pay dividends but there’s really no room for error here. If 8 wins is the target to make the playoffs, Justin can only lose two more games and he probably has one loss lined up already - Christian McCaffrey’s bye is Week 14 when The Champ plays Brendan. Every week is a Must Win for The Champ and I just don’t see him running the table against Bernie, Eli, Colin, and Johnny. I’d be surprised if he ended up facing the last place punishment but it’s not out of the question right now.

9. THE GENTLEMAN IN THE CORNER
SCHEDULE: The McBarge (4-3-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes. (3-4-0) VanceinyourPants (5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-0), Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0)

If I can hold serve against the teams I will likely be favored against, I should be able to make it to the playoffs. Of course, I’m the guy who lost to Johnny when he started an injured player so me being favored is no sure thing. But I face Mark in his Byepocalypse, Brett minus a few players, and then Dana and Derek. If I take those four, I should be in. But Derek’s matchup isn’t a sure thing as he has better matchups that week. And my other games - Rahul, Player #14, and Bernie - have me facing teams with better matchups than I’ve got.
My playoff matchups are hit or miss. Bijan could carry me to the finals but then he faces the Rams’ #1 run defense with the championship on the line. I’m really hoping that Breece Hall is traded so I’m not so heavily reliant on the mess that is the NY Jets. And I still haven’t figured out my QB situation. There are simply too many question marks right now to move The Gentleman any higher in the rankings.

8. THE MCBARGE
SCHEDULE: The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes. (3-4-0), VanceinyourPants(5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-, Sadat X (1-6-0)

The good thing about having a true Byepocalypse is that you’re then pretty clean for the rest of the season. Unfortunately for Mark, that isn’t going to be much of a benefit because his schedule has him pretty much facing nothing but even strength teams the rest of the way. The biggest bye week advantage he has is The Veep not having Jayden Daniels for their game. So it looks like Mark is going to have to E.F Hutton this bitch - he’s going to need to EAAAARRRRNNN it. The McBarge does have two lights at the end of the tunnel aka Dana and Derek (who looks to have some lousy matchups for the final week of the season.) Those two wins should probably cancel out his upcoming two matchups, which I think will be two losses, which means he probably needs to win two of three of his Week 10 - 12 matchups to get to 8 wins. Mark’s scoring sprees have him sitting pretty at second in points so he should be able to edge out anyone in a tie-breaker.
If Mark does make the playoffs, things don’t really get any easier. I’m not loving his Week 1 and Title Game matchups. It looks to me like Mark’s big win this season is the moral victory of disproving the pod’s low opinion of his squad.

7. DOUBLE DRAM-BA-BA-BOUIE
SCHEDULE: Thee Gospel (3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes. (3-4-0), VanceinyourPants (5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-0)

Let’s start with the good news - Rahul was the schedule winner as he gets to play Dana twice. And, after this week, most of Rahul’s top players have already had their bye. Cam Skattebo against Dana in Week 14 is the only big name that will miss a game due to a bye. But, as usual, I have to say that this team only goes as far as Lamar. A healthy Lamar could run the table in the second half. I picked Rahul over Thee Gospel this week if Lamar’s healthy. Next week, I face the Lamar/Flowers stack against the shitty Miami defense. Cleveland is a tough assignment the following week but Eli will be missing Jonathan Taylor and Michael Pittman. Player #14 has to face Lamar/Flowers against Cincy’s porous defense. Rahul’s toughest week is probably against Brett, as Hurts/Devonta get to go up against Dallas that week.
The bad news is that Lamar is dinged up and if the Ravens can’t turn things around, there might be some talk of shutting Jackson down to avoid further injury. Nico Collins is also banged up. Bill has struggled of late and could be losing carries soon (and the Commies are reportedly considering trading for a RB.) And Smith-Njigba’s schedule gets a bit tougher in the second half.
If Rahul can get to the playoffs, I think he’s almost a lock for the second round as Lamar and Flowers have another date with the Bengals in Round 1. Unfortunately, the matchups get tougher for Rahul as the playoff carry on and I’m not sure he’ll have enough firepower to make it all the way to the title.

6. ESSOS SON REEBOK O SON NIKE
SCHEDULE: VanceinyourPants (5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ(1-6-0), Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0)

When will Johnny lose again? Who will set up his lineups if he was in Chauncey Billups’s poker ring? John is Mr. Momentum right now as he’s reeled off 5 straight wins. If he can take out The Veep this week, he has Dana and Derek on deck. Then he has Bernie sans Danny Dimes and Tyler Warren. If he can run that not-so-imposing gauntlet, he’ll have 9 wins and be locked into the playoffs. Things get a little more worrisome should be stumble because he closes with an actual gauntlet of The Champ, Colin, and Eli. Still, it’s hard to see a future in which his team doesn’t get to 8 wins. Once he’s in the playoffs… I’m not liking his chances. At the start of the season, I thought Tampa Bay had the best playoff schedule but Atlanta and Carolina’s defenses have proven to be stouter than expected. And I don’t think I’ll ever love the idea of depending on Jaylen Warren and D’Andre Swift.

5. UNCLE RICO’S ROUGHNECK
SCHEDULE: Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-0), Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0)

What a pleasant way to kick off the second half of the season, with Dana and Derek in back-to-back weeks, although Colin will be facing his brother without the help of Saquon Barkley so that matchup could be tighter than expected. (Then again, maybe not since Saquon - the 15th ranked RB - has been a disappointment so far this season.) Things get a little trickier after that. Ja’Marr Chase, Xavier Worthy, and Javonte Williams are all on bye for Colin’s date with Bernie. I think Colin has the matchups to move past The Champ but then he has Eli and Johnny. But those games might not matter; if 8 wins gets a team to the playoffs, Dana, Derek, Justin, and the finale against Andy should be enough to do the trick. In the playoffs, Josh Allen has New England, Cleveland, and Philly - not just three solid defenses but potentially three bad weather games. Ja’Marr Chase has an easier time with Baltimore, @Miami, and Arizona but, again, the home games could have weather issues. The real kicker will be if Colin makes it to the title game - he’ll have to root for Saquon Barkley against his beloved Buffalo Bills. Colin could easily be ranked #3 but I’ve been underestimating him all season so why stop now?

4. KTTTSSSS!!!
SCHEDULE: The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel(3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0)

Bernie’s schedule is neither here nor there. He faces Colin when Ja’Marr Chase, Xavier Worthy, and Jameson Williams are all on bye but then Danny Dimes and Tyler Warren are off against Johnny (and Jaxson Dart is playing Green Bay, which might not be the greatest matchup.) De’Von Achane and Keenan Allen are out the following week but that’s the week he plays Andy so a higher degree of difficulty doesn’t necessarily equal a loss. Bernie ends the season with even strength matchups against The Brendandook and The Gentleman. I’d expect him to be 7 - 5 heading into those games so he may need to win one of those two games to make the second season. Given this dicey second half, why is Bernie ranked this high? I think Bernie could have, top to bottom, the best playoff matchups and I think he has good odds of being the points leader for those three weeks. The contenders should all probably root against Señor Snake in the coming weeks because if you let him in the playoffs, he’s going to be hard to stop.

3. THEE GOSPEL
The Fantasy Gods (or Demons) smiled upon Brendan when this schedule was made. If Eli was nervous about the Brendandook before, he’s going to become absolutely apoplectic when he sees this breakdown.
Week 8 brings Rahul, possibly without Lamar and definitely no Jaxon Smith-Njigba.
Week 9 is Brett without Jalen Hurts/Devonta Smith
Week 10 is Dak and CeeDee’s bye week but guess who benefits? None other than league villain, Player #14. The devil’s work is never done!
Week 11 is the Saints’ bye so Kamara and Shaheed will be out but Brendan is facing Dana so he should be able to weather that storm. (Also, not having Shaheed could be addition by subtraction.)
Week 12 is Derek without Justin Herbert.
Week 13 brings Bernie and finally a full squad. It feels fitting that this lineup that seems like someone sold their soul should face its toughest matchup in a team named after A SNAKE!
Week 14 wraps up with Justin who will be missing Christian McCaffrey.
There’s is a very strong possibility that Brendan heads into the playoff on a 7 - 1 or 6 - 2 run. It probably won’t be enough to wrest the first round bye out of Eli’s hands but it should give the obsessed Commish nightmares for the next two months.
Now, there is one potential issue here and that’s that Brendan’s team is 4th to last in scoring and he’s failed to break 100 points every other week this year. He’s never had back-to-back triple digit scores. Even Andy’s accomplished that! On the other hand, CeeDee Lamb missed a bunch of games and Brendan’s lackluster performance last week was partly due to James Cook being on bye but still, this is a team that has holes and hasn’t been able to put it together consistently.
When it comes to the playoffs, the biggest hurdle for Brendan seems to be Week 1 when the Cowboys are facing Minnesota, James Cook will be up against New England’s tough run defense, and Kamara will be stuck with the Panthers. If the man living in Eli’s head can get past Round 1, his matchups look much nicer and he’s a legit threat to bring home yet another title. Eli will probably never speak to me again if Juaun Jennings is a difference maker. I already helped Brendan win one title, the year I traded him Lamar Jackson. A second helping hand could tear apart our trivia team.

2. VANCEINYOURPANTS
SCHEDULE: Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner(4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie(4-3-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes. (3-4-0)

If Player #14 wins this week, there’s probably no stopping him from making the playoffs. He’d be 6 - 2, which is basically 7 - 2 because he still has a game against Andy to look forward to. He’d have to somehow lose all of the rest of his games and drop down in the Points Scored column, which would be a collapse that would eclipse even Eli’s disastrous fall a couple years ago. But… it could happen. The only thing that can stop Rico Dowdle is Chuba Hubbard and Chuba’s doing just that. The same fracturing of carries is about to also happen to Jordan Mason as Aaron Jones is ready to return from the IR. Minnesota’s quarterback situation could lower Justin Jefferson’s ceiling and it seems like someone tapped Travis Etienne on the shoulder and reminded him that he is Travis Etienne as he’s failed to crack double digits the last three weeks. And we haven’t even gotten to the fact that karma bitch-slapped The Veep as he lost Mike Evan and Darren Waller and then Jayden Daniels got dinged up. Injuries as impacting The Veep like it was the White House East Wing.
All of that being said, I feel like Player #14 will find a way to make the playoffs and once he’s there, he’s dangerous. Justin Jefferson has a league-winning playoff schedule and there are a lot of green matchups to choose from. The “choose from” could be what takes Player #14 down though. It won’t be easy deciding which running back to play each week. Jeff is the team most likely to make a roster choice that costs him his chance at a title. Here’s hoping that Jeff will soon feel the same level of regret that American cattle farmers are feeling right now.

1. THE FIGHTING BORTS
SCHEDULE: Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes (3-4-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0)

Eli’s team has been literally unstoppable in the first half of the season but they also have faced the easiest schedule. And Derrick Henry is the only key player who has had his bye yet so Eli has games ahead without Mahomes, Amon-Ra, and Taylor/Pittman. This week is St. Brown’s bye. Rahul benefits from facing Eli during Indy’s bye week. But Mahomes’s bye week shouldn’t be an issue because backup Bo Nix is facing the pathetic Raiders that week.
While the road ahead is rougher for Eli, he pretty much has to win just one more game to make the playoffs and, despite Johnny’s heater, I think Eli should be able to maintain his death grip on the first round bye, which is imperative because his team doesn’t have the best matchups that week. Not that his matchups get better after that. And, shield your eyes, Andy, in terms of actual football, Eli’s biggest concern may be the Colts continuing to win and starting to take some of the load off of Jonathan Taylor at the end of the season in order to keep the oft-injured RB healthy for the actual NFL playoffs. I’m tempted to knock Eli down a couple pegs because of his playoff matchups but so far, that hasn’t really mattered much and I just can’t see anyone else who should have higher odds of winning it all. Ask me again when the playoffs roll around and I’d be surprised if Eli wasn’t my third choice as Team Most Likely to Take Home The Title.

WEEK 8 PICKS!

I might do a bit of a deep dive into the league tomorrow or Thursday so keep a look so keep a look out for bonus blog content!

The big bye week is upon us so we had some movement on the waiver wire but nothing really all that expensive. Unless something crazy happens, I’m not sure the people who saved their FA money are going to have anything to spend it on. But you never know!

GAME OF THE WEEK

BERNIE vs ELI
Can Bernie knock Eli from the ranks of the undefeated? The first look at the matchups doesn’t bode well for Bernie. I think Tennessee’s QB ranking is inflated, but the biggest beneficiary of that matchup will be Jonathon Taylor. Derrick Henry is due for a bounceback game. And what gamesmanship by Eli - SIRVOCEA DENNIS REVENGE GAME! That nerd is probably spilling all of Bernie’s secrets as we speak! Eli truly rules with an iron fist; benching Jaylen Waddle after he put up just two points last week. I feel like the What Have You Done For Me Lately attitude could wear on his players and hurt him later in the season but, for now, it’s led to smooth sailing.
WINNER: ELI

BRENDAN vs RAHUL
While not quite Game of the Week status, this game could have playoff implications for both squads. Rahul was able to finally win a game without Lamar but I’m not sure he’ll be able to repeat that feat this week. But this game really hinges on Brendan’s QB - the Dak/CeeDee stack is facing what one would assume is an embarrassed Broncos defense that underestimated the Giants’ offense. James Cook is back but is facing an underrated Carolina defense that has held Achane, Javonte, and Breece to under 40 yards rushing the last few weeks. I’d love to not pick the winner and instead bet on the Under for this game but, alas, that is not an option. I’m going to make a conditional pick for this one.
WINNER (IF LAMAR PLAYS) - RAHUL
WINNER (IF LAMAR IS OUT) - BRENDAN

PLAYER #14 vs JOHNNY
This is another Game of the Week option, a primetime matchup between to 5 - 2 squads. Player #14’s team was beaten up worst than the East Wing of the White House this week; injuries and bye weeks have decimated the roster, leaving The Veep to start both Carolina running backs. The one thing going for him is that the Vikings are playing the suddenly horrific Chargers defense. Johnny has Emeka Egbuka back on the bench but I feel like that’s a bad call. Still, I think Baker, Sutton, and Swift should be able to pace the Sneaker Pimps to victory.
PICK: JOHNNY

THE GENTLEMAN vs MARK
This was always circled as a plus matchup for the Corner Boys because Mark’s top players all are on bye this week. On top of that, my guys have great matchups this week but I’m nervous that they could be TOO good of matchups. ATL taking on Miami feels like it’s a Tyler Allgeier game and the Falcons could try to feed Drake Maye a bit more since he was ignored a bit last week. Denver should lean on JK Dobbins against Dallas but if that game becomes a shootout, they could abandon the run again like last week.And then there’s the curious case of Breece Hall. I think the odds are that the Jets wait until after their game this week to make trades - they have a bye next week so they can make trades and then have an extra week for guys like Isaiah Davis to get comfortable in their new role, however, the Chargers play on Thursday and I wouldn’t be stunned if they pushed for a trade on Friday, so they could give Breece more time to learn the playbook so he can hit the ground running. In that case, Breece would likely be off the board for me on Sunday. Still, I think I should have enough to beat McBarge’s backups.
PICK: THE GENTLEMAN

JUSTIN vs DEREK
Derek only has three guys who are even predicted to score double-digits this week. That number will jump to four if Deebo Samuel is healthy but there are a lot of bench-worthy guys getting run on a team that only has one player on bye. At least, Rashee Rice and Rome Odunze have plus matchups.
As for The Champ, The Gentleman is obviously hoping that Michael Penix’s bone bruise is worse than expected so we can see the glorious return of KIRK COUSINS! Beyond the QB issues, there’s a lot not to like here. CMC vs, Houston, DK vs GB, Jake Ferguson vs. Denver. If Derek can get a couple of guys to step up, he has a chance but, again, the problem is that his supporting cast is so weak that a step up still leaves them a step below Justin’s players.
PICK: JUSTIN

COLIN vs DANA
Even I can’t underestimate Colin enough in the Battle of Buffalo. Dana’s team is struggling and has three players on bye. Needless to say, the bench of a 1 - 6 team isn’t resplendent with replacement options. Colin’s matchups aren’t great but they don’t need to be this week.
PICK: COLIN

ANDY vs BRETT
Quick! Everyone take a screengrab of this matchup because Andy is favored! Of course, that moment in the sun will only last until Brett picks up another IDP player to fill out his roster but we’re looking for anything to perk up our favorite podcaster. We like Curmudgeon Andy but this season has taken the Woo out of Wooster and, if we’re being honest, there’s not much stirring either. One Shady Motha’s season, however, has already been turned into a movie. They replaced running a fantasy team with raising a child to make it more appealing but Rose Byrne is basically playing Andy in this one. Conan O’Brien plays Eli.

Andy arrives just at the right time for Brett, who has Kyren Williams on bye and no real great replacement option (although I feel like he has better options than Nick Chubb and possibly even better than Kenneth Gainwell.) Still, I.feel like the Hurts/Smith stack should be enough to win the week. I’m surprised that Brett and his $78 dollars allowed himself to be outbid for Breshard Smith but maybe his KC RB fetish has passed. We’re also all still waiting for a report on Brandi Mae’s Booty Slap event.
PICK: BRETT

WEEK 7 PICK REVIEW

This week, we had a rare fantasy feat of no bad beats. Every game was a blowout except for the one game which was won by the slimmest of margins - just 1.2 points. We also managed to have the highest and lowest scores of the week IN THE SAME GAME! The Champ took down Dana 181.2 - 71.4

I missed a game so it was a 3 - 3 week for me.

ELI vs KEVIN - PICK: KEVIN / WINNER: ELI
What a disaster of a week. At least, Chris Olave had a good game because everything else went wrong. I kept Kendre Miller, hoping that Alvin Kamara’s gimpy ankle or trade rumors might make him a strong hold, and he rewarded my faith by blowing out his knee. I listened to conventional wisdom and benched Mason Taylor for George Kittle and I even felt good for a bit when Taylor only mustered 4.6 points but then Kittle dumped a goose egg. Honestly, the only thing going for me is that the Jets are absolutely terrible* so the #FREEBREECE movement gained momentum (also, the Jets played backup Isaiah Davis more this week, which is another good omen.)
Eli’s juggernaut keeps motoring along. His team hasn’t scored fewer than 126 points and both Taylor and Mahomes have turned back the clock and are delivering elite fantasy seasons.

*Yes, we all know that Justin Fields isn’t an NFL quarterback but, in his defense, the Jets’s offense makes no sense. Why do teams try to make Justin Fields a pocket passer? How many more times does he have to prove that he sucks at it? Fields should be leading the league in passing out of play-action and RPO but he’s near the bottom. They had no WRs but - even after Fields was benched - they kept trying to throw it deep. Did they try to slow down the pass rush by throwing some RB screens? Nope. Again, Fields is garbage but Jets’ OC Tanner Engstrand isn’t doing him any favors.

BERNIE vs DEREK - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: BERNIE
The Gentleman still has his finger on the pulse of Ktttssss!!! Still perfect at predicting his games. Bernie gets over .500 for the first time this season and has some momentum heading into his battle with the undefeated Fighting Borts.
For Derek, Justin Herbert piled on some points in garbage time to try to salvage the Ja’Marr Chase trade - which had injury added to insult as Deebo didn’t play this week - but nobody is fooled. Discussion Topic: What is the worst trade in Vegas League history?

COLIN vs PLAYER #14 - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: COLIN
The Veep’s squad was apparently tired out from partying at the No Kings rally and didn’t put up much of a fight. Some players have also made it known that they aren’t interested in playing for Player #14 and are now faking injuries to avoid being associated with the giddy grifter. Some people are even doubting if the Casamigos at that one bar was actually counterfeit.
As for Colin, one of these days I’ll stop doubting his team but this obviously wasn’t that day. The Cardinals apparently realized that they could throw to Trey McBride in the red zone and Ja’Marr Chase did Ja’Marr Chase things again. A cakewalk of a win on Josh Allen’s bye week is a great sign for Colin’s squad and their playoff chances.

JOHNNY vs BRETT - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: JOHNNY
Perhaps a stat correction could tilt the scales on this one but it seems like Johnny squeaked this one out. Brett did his best and nobody can really fault him for not starting Kyle Pitts over Travis Kelce or Kyren Williams. Even Kenneth Gainwell against Cincy’s defense wasn’t an indefensible choice but, if Andy gets to choose the Toto bidet award, my guess is that he’ll give it to Brett for the Gainwell start.
As predicted, Johnny’s team continues to ascend. Apparently, Baker Mayfield and Sam LaPorta got a little too cocky and didn’t bring their A games on Monday* but they scored just enough to get the win. Mike Evans’s injury means Emeka Egbuka should be locked in as WR1 in Tampa Bay for the rest of the season. Johnny’s going to have to make another move this week since LaPorta is on bye and he doesn’t have another TE. He’ll probably also need to move Justin Fields, who could be benched and, even if he isn’t, has the same bye week as Baker Mayfield (week 9).
* No more doubleheaders on Monday night, please. I have to imagine it’s even worse on the East Coast but did the world really need a Seahawks/Texans matchup on Monday? That’s a Thursday Night throwaway game at best.

BRENDAN vs MARK - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: MARK
Eli’s prayers were answered as the man who haunts his every waking moment, - let’s call him The Brendandook - wasn’t able to pull out a victory this week. Brian Thomas Jr. has a bye this week but that might be a good thing for both Brendan and Brian Thomas - who leads the league with 9 drops. The Dak/Cee Dee stack is a winner and James Cook will be back next week, but the rest of the supporting doesn’t seem strong enough to make this team a contender.
Mark just needed some shit talk from the pod to light a fire under his ass and get back into the win column. The biggest win was word that Puka Nacua is likely to return after LA’s Week 8 bye. Jahmry Gibbs and three IDPs in double-digits were the key to this win. Marvin Harrison seems to be the WR equivalent of Trevor Lawrence - the generational talent who wasn’t. Mark’s bench delivered the rare group donut as four guys were out and Jalen Coker didn’t catch either of his targets. Things need to change next week as it is Mark’s dreaded Byepocalypse with Puka, Jahmyr Gibbs, Harrison, and Nate Landman sitting out and Omarion Hampton is still on the IR.

ANDY vs RAHUL - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: RAHUL
On the bright side, Andy has finally scored triple digits in two straight weeks. Unfortunately, he still hasn’t won back-to-back games this season. Apparently, Jameson Williams didn’t want Andy to miss him during his bye week so he put up a big fat zero this week to ease the transition. Eli should give Andy the number to the Gabe Davis Memorial Boom/Bust support group.
Lamar Who? Aaron Rodgers was absolutely psyched to play for a team run by a clone and he put his best foot forward for fake Rahul. This was a big win as it snapped a three game losing streak and Rahul needed a W this week since next week he’ll be without JSN. The biggest issue for Rahul is RB where Bill seems like he might be a one week wonder and who knows how long Scattebo can keep beating his body up.

JUSTIN vs DANA
I never got back to make the pick for the Toilet Bowl and I would’ve picked Justin but I won’t give myself the point since I didn’t make it official. The Champ didn’t have to go so hard against Dana, who only had two guys in double-digits and barely avoided a 100 point defeat. The Champ doesn’t often win but when he does, he utterly blows out his opponent. His two wins are by an average of 86.3.

WEEK 6 PODCAST LIVE BLOG

Keep it tight, they say. And the podcast is still an hour and 10 minutes.

A Mea Culpa for confusing Jennings and Johnson but still no Mea Culpa for platforming Player #14.

Was this week’s podcast sponsored by Prozac? Where’s the energy?

Eli thinks Juaun Jennings is a big move yet he attacked me viciously for offering him in a trade. I can’t wait to hear more about this. Also, Brandon Aiyuk has reportedly started working out at practice so he might be healthier before Jennings is.

FYI: Brett’s name change was inspired by a message he sent us in the WhatsApp chat.

And yes, Booty Slap is ladies slapping each other in the butt until someone quits. Inspired I guess by Dana White’s Power Slap.

Eli is the second biggest Caleb hater besides Troy Aikman. A few weeks ago, Eli said Caleb was good for me because he gave me a legit starting QB. Since the trade, it’s been nothing but slander. On top of that, Eli called Drake Maye the best value at QB this year; he is averaging 23.8 points a game. Caleb? 23.9. And Maye cost 300% more than Caleb!

It’s Player 14. Not Player X. Perhaps it could be Player XIV but Player X is too close to Malcolm X, who Player 14 would probably hate being compared to but, still, it’s disrespectful to an American icon.

Andy trying to uncancel Jeff after the Josh Jacobs trade is like Trump giving everything to Qatar after he got that jumbo jet. And on No Kings weekend, to boot! How long until Andy nominates that we have our next draft in Riyadh? And if Player 14 is the Veep then I guess Andy is Mike Johnson, with his ridiculous spin. How can he be blamed for putting “Cancel Jeff” on the nomination list?! Clearly, Andy saw Aaron Rodgers dump all over his team and is now scrambling to be on the side of the “immunized.” One Shady Motha, indeed. Maybe he should go all-in and change his name to One Shady Tradwife.

If the Dandyelions want to monetize this podcast, they could market it as a sleep aid.

With the amount of time spent on The Gentleman, it’s clear - once again - that the Dandyelions are intimidated and threatened by the written word. THE TRUTH SHALL NOT BE SILENCED! THE GENTLEMAN WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT! Let’s break down the nonsense in the section about The Gentleman in the Corner.

- Again, Eli was offended when I offered him Jennings in a trade. But now Eli calls Jennings explosive. To me, it seems like the most explosive thing about Juaun are his bones and his temper. (Although somehow a guy with five broken ribs and both high & low ankle sprains doesn’t warrant inclusion on the Niners’ injury report.) Maybe Jennings miraculously got better this week but he looked awful out there last week. And now Kittle is back and Pearsall is back next week.
- I should have gotten more for Kenneth Walker, says the guy who offered me Bo Nix for Walker.
- Admittedly, there was some desperation from me this week but it was because of an issue that went unmentioned on the pod - Garrett Wilson got hurt, leaving me no legit WR options.
- Eli is clearly biased here because he was hoping to face Cooper Kupp this weekend instead of Chris Olave.
- Depth isn’t truly depth if you only have it at one position. Having four top 20 RBs and zero healthy top 20 receivers is not depth.
- The bye week issue is moot; We only have one RB position and Bijan Robinson has already had his bye. Holding onto a fourth RB so he can fill in at the FLEX spot two of the next eight weeks doesn’t seem prudent.
- Eli continues to pour gasoline on his Fake News fire by claiming that I made the offer. I was going after Rashee Rice but had to settle for the smaller deal for Olave that Derek offered.
- I dropped Bourne because Mac Jones looked banged up last week and I didn’t want to risk relying on a guy catching balls from Adrian Martinez. Mac is healthy and Pearsall is still out so I went back to the Bourne Supremacy.
- Between Andy’s Great Uncanceling and this attack on The Gentleman who had the cajones to initially call out The Veep’s bigotry, it’s clear what direction this podcast is heading.
- The reverse jinx might work because Carolina’s defense looks to have turned a corner, shutting down Achane and Javonte in the last two weeks, so I think that Breece Hall could bust. I’m also struggling to do the right thing and put George Kittle in over Mason Taylor.

Jordan Love is not a good NFL quarterback but he’s solid in fantasy. He’s also had a bye week and has only 8 fewer points than Bo Nix. Love will be even better when CHRISTIAN WATSON COME BACK!
(Honestly, I’m not sure why I think Watson’s going to make a difference this year. Even when he’s on he’s the exact kind of Boom/Bust guy that I don’t like. But I do think Jayden Reed’s absence will help him out.)

We almost made it through with a family friendly pod but then Andy had to talk about Eli masturbating. I will testify on behalf of any parents who now have to send their kids to therapy.

There is nothing more freeing that the sounds of the outro kicking in. The things I put myself through for my readers.

Like Deebo Samuel, I’m out.

Week 7 Picks

Insert pithy and hilarious opening paragraph here.

THE GAME & UPSET OF THE WEEK

ELI vs KEVIN

GENTLEMAN’S NOTE: Rumors that The Gentleman has lined up sex workers to be sent to the Colts’ hotel to hang out with Pittman and Taylor on Saturday night and Sunday morning are baseless and completely unfounded and we will not be responding to them.
Does The Gentleman truly believe that the Chris Olave trade is going to right the ship and save his squad? The team has seen their Points Scored decrease each week since Week 2; we’ve clearly not replaced James Connor’s leadership ability.
The answer to the question is No. I really don’t believe in this pick in the only game to feature two teams over .500 but I feel like my squad needs a vote of confidence and, you know what, it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility. We also might not be done dealing yet so who knows what this roster could look like by the time Sunday rolls around. What’s more likely to happen is that my team gets itself in striking distance but my decision to play Mason Taylor over George Kittle comes back to bite me in the ass.
Realistically, Mahomes should go off. The only reason that the Raiders are 9th against QBs is that Geno keeps throwing INTs that give the opponents short fields. The best thing going for me is that I think all of Eli’s guys are on teams that could try to run the clock and avoid getting caught up in a shootout. That’ll be good for Jonathon Taylor but lousy for everyone else.
PICK: KEVIN

BERNIE vs DEREK
This game just got more interesting. Derek has an actual starting running back on his active roster! He also has some decent bench options as his three WRs have opportunities to step up this week since their teammates are dinged up and the Patriots should be able to run all over the Titans, making TreVeyon a potential flex option. Derek’s got some great matchups as well and this could easily be the Upset of the Week but I don’t know if I’m willing to put my perfect record when it comes to picking Bernie’s games on the line.
Achane could be a zero against Cleveland’s stout defense and Danny Dimes/Tyler Warren against the Chargers could be an issue. The problem for Derek is that Quinshon Judkins is facing Miami, who - according to StatMuse - are giving up 6.06 yards per carry over the last five weeks. (But only 4 TDs, at least.)
If Rashee Rice was at full speed, I’d have made this the Upset of the Week but rumor is that he could be on a snap count.
PICK: BERNIE

COLIN vs PLAYER #14
GENTLEMAN’S NOTE: There is breaking news about a hate-filled, disgusting Telegram chat room filled with Young Republicans. Many people are blaming the kids but I think we all know who is to blame. We know who is corrupting our youth, first with Casamigos and other fine spirits and now with homophobia and mediocre podcast guest spots. JUSTICE IS NIGH!
The one downside of Colin’s Ja’Marr Chase heist is that the one week he needs Sam Darnold, the Seahawks are up against the tough Texans defense. Adding insult to injury, he’s going against Jayden Daniels who faces the Cowboys, who feature 11 defenders who would all fall for the triple-deke. Colin has some good matchups but, to everyone’s chagrin, Player #14’s are better.
Hopefully, this week is the end of our long national nightmare. CeeDee Lamb is coming back, which means George Pickens’s days as the #1 receiver are over. Chuba Hubbard and Aaron Jones are close to returning and will reportedly be in committees with Rico Dowdle and Jordan Mason, limiting their ceilings a bit. Mike Evans is also coming back, giving The Veep a lot of decisions to overthink. Could Player #14 do the impossible and make TWO trades in one season?! He might want to.
PICK: PLAYER #14

JOHNNY vs BRETT
The Rise of the Sneaker Pimps should continue this week as Johnny has the better squad and mostly the better matchups. Emeka Egbuka’s injury gives Johnny a lot of room for error when it comes to filling out his flex spots. And even his WR spot is dicey as Tet McMillan will face off against Sauce Gardner. Brett, meanwhile, is relying on big games from Isaiah Pacheco and Kenneth Gainwell. So… yeah, I think that pretty much explains the pick.
PICK: JOHNNY

BRENDAN vs MARK
Like the tide that keeps The McBarge afloat, Mark’s team has ebbs and flows. It’s a feast or famine squad and I fear that Mark will be singing “Hunger Strike” for the next couple of weeks. The Week 8 Byepocalypse was already looming but now Puka and Marvin Harrison could miss Week 7 as well. And while McBarge is a MASH unit, Brendan could be getting back his best player. On the McBrightside, Thee Gospel is without James Cook this weekend but Mark is going to need something special out of Jahmyr, Kimani, and Rachaad (which I believe was also the names of The Pharcyde) but I’m going to bet instead on Alvin Kamara making something happen this week.
PICK: BRENDAN

ANDY vs RAHUL
When I first looked at Rahul’s matchups, I thought, “Could Andy actually win two games in a row?!” And then I clicked to see Andy’s roster. And oh how I laughed. And laughed. Thank God he has podcasting to fall back on.
Rahul is at risk because Smith-Njigba and Scattebo have tough games but I feel like Penix, Addison, Nico, and Bill will be able to make up for that. The Jacobs and Maye duo can keep Andy in any game but there’s been so much talk about how bad the Patriots’s rushing attack has been that I have to think that’ll be the focus on Sunday. Ditto Detroit; who will probably want to keep the ball out of Baker Mayfield’s hands and run the clock instead of getting into a shootout. The much maligned Matthew Golden showed signs of life last week and if Christian Watson doesn’t come back, he could be in line for a big game. I have to admit, Andy could have the last laugh on this one but I just can’t bring myself to bet on Tyler Allgeier and a banged up Calvin Ridley.
PICK: RAHUL

THE TOILET BOWL

I’m holding off on the battle of 1 - 5 teams because Dana doesn’t have a lineup set and I like his matchups enough to think that he has a chance.
PICK: TBD

TRADE GRADE: Kenneth Walker III for Chris Olave

The trade market is heading up! Derek looks to redeem himself after being taken to the cleaners by his little brother. Kevin looks to find meaning in life in fantasy football as he lays on his couch all day, binging House, which I don’t recommend because when you watch a bunch in a row you realize how ridiculous the show is and how formulaic it was.

DEREK: B
This is a classic Buy Low move by Derek and he held his ground, only willing to give up his fourth best receiver. Kenneth Walker III could be a difference maker if Zach Charbonnet were to get hurt again. And even with Charbs around, Walker is always close to breaking a big play. The problem is that Zach isn’t hurt and he’s often outsnapped Walker. He’s also gotten the lion’s share of the red zone carries, making this the most frustrating backfield in fantasy football. That being said, Derek was going to start Tyjae Spears this week so even a frustrating week for Walker is better than the alternatives.

KEVIN: C-
The Gentleman loves him some target monsters. Olave will likely take over the league lead in targets this week; he’s currently one behind Puka Nacua. Needless to say, Chris isn’t having the same success with those targets as Puka is and, oddly enough, Olave’s worst game this season is the game when he actually scored a touchdown. The Gentleman painted themselves in a corner on draft night - or was pushed into the corner by the BULLSHIT Courtland Sutton bidding - by not investing in the WR position. Garrett Wilson’s injury made a trade a must. Olave wasn’t the top choice but, again, he’s a target monster and there are rumblings that he could be traded, which would likely boost his value. His targets will go down but being on a legitimate team should be a plus. Still, one hates to sell low on RB and Walker’s the better player in this deal. Sadly, the market for Kenny was weak and this is the best The Gentleman could do.

Week 6 Picks Review

A 5 - 3 week as Andy shocked the world and I continue to be unable to read Colin’s squad.

GAME OF THE WEEK

JOHNNY vs RAHUL - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: JOHNNY
Well, it wasn’t the highest scoring game of the week but it was the closest. Harrison Butker did Rahul a favor; if he’d made all of his extra points, Rahul would have lost by .1. This could be a sign that Johnny’s luck has changed as he managed a win despite losing Emeka Egbuka and Terrell Bernard mid-game. Jordyn Brooks continues his run as an MVP-esque candidate.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

BRENDAN vs THE GENTLEMAN - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRENDAN
Perhaps it was karma for not listening to the podcast this week, perhaps it was simply that I rely on too many Jets, but either way this was by far my worst week and now I’m down Garrett Wilson for a couple of weeks. This was a big win for Brendan who survived the CeeDee Lamb injury and is still 3- 3.

THE REST

ELI vs DEREK - PICK: ELI / WINNER: ELI
Week 1 of the infamous Davis Brothers trade was 44.1 - 26. On the bright side, Derek would have still lost with Ja’Marr and Darnold. Not a great sign when Bam Knight was the team’s highest scoring player besides the QB and kicker. Eli’s squad keeps rolling along and his pickup of Harold Fannin Jr. looks even better now that David Njoku got banged up. Eli’s team seems like it may be too well-balanced to have a last season collapse.

JUSTIN vs PLAYER #14 - PICK: JUSTIN / WINNER: PLAYER #14
Well, I guess the crazy spread was right. Monster games from Jayden Daniels, George Pickens, and Rico Dowdle overcame a goose egg from late pick-up Tyquan Thornton. Matthew Stafford and the Lions somehow being unable to score against the mess that is the Ravens defense was the latest surprise in this season of unpredictable results. The Travis Hunter experiment continues to be a whiff although it might have been pretty good this week had Justin gone with Wandale Robinson over Hassan Haskins.

DANA vs BERNIE - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: BERNIE
I continue to be perfect when picking Bernie’s games and the king’s ransom that Bernie will get from Rahul to get Jaxson Dart just gets bigger and bigger.

BRETT vs COLIN - PICK: COLIN / WINNER: BRETT
The Fantasy Gods punished Colin to Abel-ing his brother. Ja’Marr chase put up 20 but much of the rest of his squad - and all of his Monday night guys - failed to muster up anything and Fred Warner looks like he could be lost for the season. Rhamondre Stevenson somehow plays like 70% of the snaps for New England and can only muster 1.8 points. It seems like New England focused so much on fixing the line’s pass blocking that they forgot how to run block now. It wasn’t much of a weekend for Brett but his team did just enough to eke out the win.

MARK vs ANDY - PICK: MARK / WINNER: ANDY
Jacobs & Maye - who I believe were a 1950s comedy troupe - proved to be too much for Mark, even with The McBarge adding Kimani Vidal to the menu. Mark might have had a fighting chance had he not lost both starting WRs to injury. Mark is going to need to work some magic to get by in these next few weeks without his WRs and Omarion Hampton. As for The Shady One, he shut up the critics for one week. Matthew Golden had a nice game, Jameson Williams got a TD, and he finally topped 120 points this year. He did lose Calvin Ridley to injury but is that even a loss? The only issue is that it means he might need to drop Will Shipley to pick up an actual NFL player.

TRADE GRADE: DAVIS BROTHERS COLLUSION?!

Listen, I never vote against trades but seriously, what’s going on with this? (Full disclosure: I’m even more bothered and am kicking myself for not offering the trades I was thinking of this week because it’s better than this.) I also find it suspicious that this trade was accepted after the podcast was released so there could be no reaction from the Dandyelions. SOMEONE TELL PLAYER #14 TO GET ON THE HORN TO HIS GIRL PAM BONDI TO INVESTIGATE THIS!

DEREK: F
Deebo Samuel has scored 2.3 points more than Ja’Marr Chase. Justin Herbert has scored 5.7 more points than Sam Darnold. In a vacuum, I guess that means this trade is even but I just don’t see how you can give up Ja’Maar for a reportedly banged-up Deebo just to mildly upgrade the QB position. ESPECIALLY when Derek is starting TreVeyon Henderson at RB. And he has to be concerned that Rachaad White has done enough in Bucky Irving’s absence to earn a bigger timeshare when Bucky comes back. AND Deebo is peaking right now because Terry McLaurin is out. I’d also note that Chase’s struggles have come against pretty great defenses and after this week against the Packers, Cincy’s schedule eases up. (To be fair, Deebo also has a decent schedule the rest of the way and nice playoff matchups.) DESPITE A SLOW START BY HIS STANDARDS, JA’MARR IS STILL THE 8TH RANKED WR IN FANTASY!
I questioned Derek’s stance about not making trades but now I’m thinking that he was right about it and should have stuck to his guns on riding with the guys he drafted.

COLIN: A+
This is an insane, league-altering, sell-high/buy-low deal. Ja’Marr is about to face the 26th, 15th, 25th, 28th, 26th, 23rd, and 31st ranked pass defenses before running into Buffalo in Week 14. The playoffs? Chase has got Baltimore, @Miami, and Arizona. If I take off my glasses and get drunk enough, COLIN does start to look a lot like CAIN! Because of this dastardly, Biblical sibling-abuse, I’m now disqualifying Colin from the Mea Culpa award that he was the frontrunner for. I feel no shame for doubting someone who could do their own blood this dirty.

All of this being said, whenever I feel this strongly about a trade, it ends up being a nothingburger, which - again - is why I never vote against trades. Even ones that will be talked about at the family reunion for years on end.

Week 6 Picks!

A big 6 - 1 week brings me up to 22 - 13. But I’d like to start this picks article off with a mini-rant.

The latest trend (or new to me, at least) in sports social media seems to be people recording themselves reacting to big plays. I should have seen. this coming after reaction videos to songs and trailers became popular, and - to be fair - these videos are probably more useful as content than people filming the play itself, a video they will probably never watch in their lives - but I’m really hoping that we’re a generation away from people actually enjoying living in the moment and not filming everything. That being said, I still take photos of my food when I go out to eat so who the hell am I to talk?

Let’s get to the games.

GAME OF THE WEEK

JOHNNY vs RAHUL
As the only game of the week to feature two winning records, this could have serious playoff implications. FantasyPros still ranks Rahul as the #1 team in their Rest of Season rankings but nothing has changed my thinking that this team only goes as far as Lamar Jackson takes it. Normally, I’d say that Lamar will definitely sit since the Ravens have a bye next week but with the team sitting a 1 - 4; they might risk him playing to save the season.
Johnny, meanwhile, has a stack of the #3 QB (Baker Mayfield) and the #3 WR (Emeka Egbuka) yet he has somehow managed to never play them at the same time. One would think he might finally make it happen this week with Justin Fields facing Denver in London. Either way, I think the matchups favor Johnny, who will continue to ascend the standings.
PICK: JOHNNY

UPSET OF THE WEEK

BRENDAN vs THE GENTLEMAN
Obviously, the game after I trade away Caleb Williams, Kyler Murray gets dinged up. And Garrett Wilson will probably be shadowed by Patrick Surtain II, which doesn’t bode well for his fantasy prospects this week. On the bright side, I won the FA bidding for everyone’s favorite nepo baby, Mason Taylor, and he should probably benefit if Justin Fields can’t get the ball to Garrett. (How did I end up with three Jets on my team?!) I have the edge in the flex spots but I have a concern with my supposedly top notch IDPs.
Brendan has the tougher matchups on paper but but I feel like he’s going to have the TD luck on his side. Dak should light up Carolina, I could see Cook outscoring Bijan in their head-to-head matchup, Seattle just got lit up by Emeka Egbuka so maybe Brian Thomas Jr. might break out against them. I also could see Goedert, Tucker, and Shahid outplaying their matchup rankings.
And probably the biggest issue - The Gentleman is the home team this weekend where we’re only 1 - 1 this season. Sitting alone in our apartment on gameday does nothing for the team morale so we’re real road warriors (3 - 0) this season.
PICK: BRENDAN

THE REST

ELI vs DEREK
This is a true Best of Times, Worst of Times matchup. I don’t want to steal the podcast’s thunder so I’ll just solemnly acknowledge Derek’s lost weekend and move on. Help is on the way but that help (for Ja’Marr Chase, at least) is Joe Flacco, who I think is going to get mauled behind that Cincy offensive line so there’s a real chance for a Grand Opening, Grand Closing once Off-Broadway Joe gets in there for the Bengals. Derek’s RB situation is a mess and, as much as he wants to stand by his original squad, he’s already waived 8 of the 17 guys from his week 1 roster so why not make a trade?
Honestly, not much to report on the Borts side of things besides the ruthless “You get an 0, you gotta go!” move as veteran Zach Ertz dropped a goose egg last week and was waived in favor of Eli’s top FA choice and fantasy podcast favorite Harold Fanning Jr. Even Jonathon Gannon thought Eli was being overly harsh after one bad game and the league hopes for another heartfelt apology from Eli to kick off the podcast this week.
PICK: ELI

JUSTIN vs PLAYER #14
At first I was stunned to see that The Champ was favored but then I realized this was Minnesota’s bye week so our local Viking fetishist is short-handed this week. Facing the prospect of starting Jakobi Meyers and both Chuba Hubband AND Rico Dowdle, Player #14 decided to only add AJ Barner on the offensive end. I assume his only research was making sure Barner’s first initial didn’t stand for “Antifa”.
The Champ has good matchups and Touchdown Terry McLaurin could be back to shore up his flex spot. Justin gave up $43 free agent dollars so off-brand superhero Hassan Haskins (who Player #14 is already labeling a DEI hire) can sit on the bench. Still, this could finally be the week in which the Travis Hunter gambit pays off.
PICK: JUSTIN

DANA vs BERNIE
The Caleb Williams Era begins and I think we’ll see another big week from Ashton Jeanty. And then, uh, yeah. Congrats on getting Kareem Hunt, I guess.
The one thing going for Dana is that Bernie doesn’t have the greatest of matchups although I’m not buying Arizona’s #5 against QBs ranking since Sam Darnold is the best QB they’ve faced this year. I don’t think this will be as big of a blowout as Watson is predicting but I’m still giving the nod to Bernie.
PICK: BERNIE

BRETT vs COLIN
Again, this is a game between the Haves and the Have Nots. Only 2 of Colin’s players are outside of the top ten ranking of their position and only 3 of Brett’s players are inside the top 10 and he has four guys who can’t even make the Top 40. That being said, I like the matchups for Brett’s main guys so an upset is not out of the realm of possibility. The Isiah Pacheco/Malik Washington flex spots, however, are keeping me from making the bold prediction. Javonte Williams vs. Carolina could double up their combined score. I’d definitely take the points on this one though.
PICK: COLIN

MARK vs ANDY
The McBarge has had this game circled on the schedule for weeks! All of Andy’s trash talk and now his team is in the basement and Mark is putting up one huge score after another. I was going to joke that Mark has a bye week this week but, you know what, the Madre Sucia does have some nice matchups this week. Unfortunately, Mark also has some potential boom spots in his lineup so I’m still not sure it matters. Mark spent $35 on Kimani Vidal, which I believe is an all-natural hair treatment. If you look good, you’ll play good! (Bernie snaked my joke on the WhatsApp chat but I’m leaving it in!)
PICK: MARK

Week 5 Picks Recap

So far so good but Monday Night will determine a couple games and you never know when something crazy could happen.

After the first four weeks, I’m 16 - 12. Not bad, not great. But. this looks to be another week that is more wins than losses.

Bernie vs Player #14 - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: PLAYER #14
This didn’t live up to Game of the Week status as The Veep shutdown Bernie’s team like it was the Epstein Files. The only real downside this week for the furniture fornicator is that Rico Dowdle was so good that he may have earned himself a time-share with Chuba Hubbard when the tubthumper comes back. Darren Waller seems like he was worth the big bid that the supposedly fiscal conservative threw out there.
Bernie mentioned to me that I’m 5 - 0 picking his games; I have my finger on the pulse of the snake! His team continues to be good not great

UPSETS OF THE WEEK

Mark vs Johnny - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: JOHNNY
I finally got an Upset of the Week right! And Johnny was finally one the winning side of a matchup between the top 2 scoring squads! The boom week not only gets Johnny on the right side of .500 but he also stacks some points to help him if there are any playoff tie-breakers. Emeka Egbuka is a stud and the Baker/Egbuka stack should pay dividends all season.
For Mark, injury karma reared its ugly head; Mark got a boost last week when Bucky Irving got hurt but now his guy Omarion Hampton is banged up and in a walking boot. Once again, Chase McLaughlin - feeling perky after being freed from Brendan’s clutches - hit double digit points

RAHUL vs COLIN - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: COLIN
I said the negative -23.5 line was disrespectful and, well, the current projection is that Colin is going to win by a mere 20 points so I might have at least gotten that part right. Another week, another huge game for Javonte Williams. Rahul could squeak this one out if Player #14’s favorite kicker has a big game and Xavier Worthy ends up not playing and Colin doesn’t pick up a replacement but I’m going to give this one to Colin.

Dana vs Derek - PICK: DANA / WINNER: DANA
Derek would have won this week already is Emari Demarcado hadn’t pulled the boneheaded play of the season. That 8 point swing is keeping Dana alive. On the flip side, Dana would have a far more comfortable lead if he had Breece Hall instead of Jerry Jeudy. Brenton Strange has topped the 7.1 points that Derek needs in three of four games this year so Sadat X is looking good.

Kevin vs Andy - PICK: KEVIN / WINNER: KEVIN
Another schedule win for The Gentleman. Andy started an inactive Brock Bowers and he still wasn’t the worst guy in his lineup as Ollie Gordon II farted out a -0.2 points this week. The podcast’s pegging talk has extra meaning now has Andy has bottomed out to last place in point scored and is a Brenton Stage letdown away from being in last place in the standings as well. Things don’t get any easier next week as frequent target of the pod, Mark, is on deck.

Brendan vs Eli - PICK: ELI / WINNER: ELI
This matchup was brought to you by Bad Decision Jeans. Brendan’s late benching of Rashid Shahid in favor of Tre Tucker cost him ten points. Woody Marks over Jaylen Waddle was the bad call I expected it to be; although it’s more surprising than I expected as the Texans dropped 44 on the Ravens and Marks could only muster 2.4 points. And both sides had a goose egg.
Brendan could still steal this one but he needs Brian Thomas Jr. to outscore Mahomes and Oluokun, That’s a tall order seeing as Oluokon himself has outscored Thomas Jr. three of the first four weeks.

Justin vs Brett - PICK: BRETT / WINNER: BRETT
This one will come down to the wire. Justin is up 10.8 with Travis Hunter yet to play while Brett has Travis Kelce, Isiah Pacheco and Nick Bolton. Jacksonville’s defense has been better than expected but a dinged up Xavier Worthy might mean more targets for Travis Kelce. This one could still go either way.

Week 5 Podcast Review

Another hour and twenty minute podcast?! Is Terrence Malick directing these? The length and rambling nature/lack of focus seems like his style.

Andy says I’m in a dead media while it sounds like he’s recording from a bathroom. And apparently, the written word is VERY influential because the many mentions of The Gentleman triggered Andy’s jealousy. Right before our big matchup, I’m clearly in his head!

Eli erasing me from our Fruit Stripe discussion and crediting Mark is hurtful.

Andy is absolutely right with his take about Eli’s moral conundrum. Eli could have offered something because I gave up the information of my own volition. But to embrace the conspiracy theory vibe of the podcast, perhaps there was some 4D chess at work - Did The Gentleman sense that Eli had an offer brewing and knew that telling Mark and Eli about his trade offer would trigger a moral conundrum in Eli’s head?

In terms of scumbaggery, after trivia, Eli went home to his loving family and I went on a solo mission to a strip club so I don’t think that the trade is what put me ahead in that race.

Platforming Player X?! Nobody wanted to hear his opinion before he was cancelled! My only hope is that they just invited him on so they could record enough of his voice that AI could create some Player #14 content. And then he isn’t on the podcast for a minute before he starts casting aspersions against The Gentleman.

This first minute of this Ron Funchess video is my take on conspiracy theories.

“I did another Google” - We’re old, Eli, but let’s pretend we’re not completely out of touch.

Is Tartar sauce the last remnant of the Tartarian Empire? In that case, I’m glad they’re gone. However, speaking of basement windows, the Seattle underground tour explains the Seattle “underground” was actually street level but then, after The Great Seattle fire, the city elevated the streets.

My alt-right alter ego Colby Jack is offended by Player #14 referring to our savior as “Mr. Trump”. It’s PRESIDENT TRUMP to you, buddy! At least, it’s good to hear that Player #14 is peeing after sex so he doesn’t get any UTIs.

“Superlatives” replacement? Let me think about that.

A+ bench blunder by The Veep. Andy had three choices on his bench that would have won him the week but he went with Calvin Austin.

I’m starting to think that there’s a conspiracy against me brewing; that’s the only way to explain how The Gentleman and conspiracies were the focus of this week’s pod.

“One Battle After Anohter” ranks at #6 on the Mendo 2025 film list but I agree with Andy that’s it is overhyped. It’s kind of a standard action movie set in a hot button political situation. The last act especially becomes One Cliche After Another.

RE: No moves for Johnny, him saving all of his money until the end of the draft meant that his bench was going to be loaded. The only droppable guy would be Bhayshul Tuten and his stock rose after the Tank Bigsby trade.

Pilot episodes are usually the worst of a series so we don’t want to judge Player #14’s maiden voyage too harshly but The Gentleman could do with less mud flood talk, and pegging shaming although it was intriguing to see how The Veep’s presence seemed to have Eli shifting to the right.

The people have called for an Outro song yet the pod still hasn’t delivered.

TRADE GRADE: Breece Hall for Caleb and Jeudy

After an embarrassing loss to Johnny’s incomplete squad, The Gentleman is shaking things up with a trade. Dana begins his march from the bottom with a new QB and WR.

DANA: B
After Caleb’s bye this week, Dana should be able to set and forget his QB position for the rest of the season, which should be a load off of his mind. He knocked it out of the park last week with Marcus Mariota but streaming QBs is always risky. Dana also bought low on Jerry Jeudy, who soaked up all the targets after Cedric Tillman was injured last week, and Dillon Gabriel can’t be any worse than the fossilized Flacco that Cleveland was trotting out there. The reason I don’t give this an A is because I’m not sold on Jeanty and Montgomery as reliable lead backs and they also both have a week 8 bye so Dana currently doesn’t have a running back for that week and after this slow start, he can’t afford to punt any games.

KEVIN: B+
QB value is all over the place in this league so this might have been an overpay on my part. I also probably sold low on Jerry Jeudy but I have a feeling that the Browns offense is going to lean even heavier on the run now that the rookie is taking over. But ultimately, this deal helped get me back to where I was before, with four good RBs and room to maneuver to trade for a better WR. My receiving corps is the worst in the league since Jauan Jennings gets a new injury every week but we’ll look to fix that next week. Breece Hall hasn’t done much so far but Braelon Allen’s injury could mean more touches for Hall and he also has one of the easier RB schedules for the rest of the season. I can’t say I’m thrilled to have so much invested in the Jets offense (Breece to go along with Garrett Wilson) but I think this trade was a step forward for my squad.

Week 5 Picks!

Lions and Bye weeks and injuries, oh my! Houses are being dropped on people left and right this week, with the latest horrible reporting being Trey Benson getting surgery out of seemingly nowhere. For all of the Q’s that ESPN loves throwing at guys, I feel like this injury was completely missed. Of course, nobody cares about the Cardinals so it’s somewhat understandable. Let’s see what this week holds in store.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Bernie vs Player #14
Now that he’s done heckling Rory McIlroy’s wife, and with the government shutdown, The Veep has nothing better to do than obsess about his fantasy football team and probably look for new reasons to bench Travis Etienne, whose name is apparently too French for Team USA’s liking. I don’t love Jordan Mason vs. Cleveland’s stout defense but Bernie is playing Chase Brown, who I don’t like against any defense, so that evens itself out. After a blistering comment in the Power Rankings, the Veep paid bigly for a new tight end, Darren Waller, who could be a game changer or could retire tomorrow, you never know with that guy.
I think Bernie’s path to victory is a big game from the Colts stack (Dimes and Warren) and Achane reaching the end zone a couple times. Carolina’s defense has to be fired up after an embarrassing performance against the Pats so that might not happen this week. But hey, at least he has Jaxson Dart.
PICK: PLAYER #14

UPSETS OF THE WEEK

Mark vs Johnny
The rich get richer as Mark now has Tampa Bay’s starting running back. Rachaad White kind of sucks but he has a nose for the end zone and that’s all that matters in fantasy. Jahmyr Gibbs also could score 50 points against Cincy’s defense. EDIT: Although with the breaking news that Brock Purdy is out, Mark now needs to find a QB for this week.
Still, there’s something about Johnny’s lineup that makes me want to go with him. Stefon Diggs revenge game. Tet McMillan needing a bounceback after the Panthers got trounced by the Pats. Justin Fields should light up Dallas. Mark’s team has been on a tear but I think Johnny’s team is poised for a breakout.
PICK: JOHNNY

RAHUL vs COLIN
Listen, I get that Rahul is a clone but a 23.5 line is disrespectful. The Roughnecks don’t even have great matchups and are still projected for a league leading 140.5 points.
On the other side, Lamar’s injury is a massive loss but there’s room for hope for Rahul. The Stroud/Nico stack isn’t as enticing as the Ravens superstack but they should be serviceable this week. Keon Coleman could break out against the Patriots’ questionable secondary. Skattebo should be able to score a TD against the Saints. That being said, I get that the name To'oTo'o is cool but why is he on a roster right now? Even SirVocea is wondering what’s going on there.
This is probably crazy talk and I’m not sure why I’m doubling down on my preseason disrespect of Colin’s squad but I just feel like this could be a bust week for a lot of his guys. I’d absolutely take the points in this one but I’m going one further!
PICK: RAHUL

THE REST OF THE GAMES

Dana vs Derek
Dana is favored?! And he doesn’t even have a full roster set right now! The Bucky Irving injury news has Derek reeling, scrambling to pick up every available RB. Derek does have some nice matchups this week but matchups don’t seem to matter with The Curse so we know that Sam Darnold is probably going to throw for 120 yards and no TDs this week. I almost made this my upset of the week but Dana also has great matchups and he just has the better players. I expect a David Montgomery bounceback game to take Dana over the top.
PICK: DANA

Kevin vs Andy
Cooper Kupp revenge game! The Gentleman sent the week 1 podcast to Cooper so he could get fired up for this one. I, for one, like the new Seattle grunge look. (Although I am nervous about this now that Derek picked up Darnold.) I’ll probably look to trade a RB for a WR next week but no need to rush a deal right now since I’m playing everyone’s second favorite league podcaster who has half of his team on bye. Granted, I just lost to a guy who started an injured running back so I probably shouldn’t get too cocky. But Garrett Wilson and newly acquired Breece Hall vs. Dallas should be able to do some damage. The Shady Lady has some nice matchups and RJ Harvey, Ollie Gordon, and Chris Rodriguez could all hit paydirt this week but I’m not betting on it.
PICK: KEVIN

Brendan vs Eli
How the mighty have fallen! Who could have foreseen Brendan starting Jalen Tolbert and Kavontae Turpin in Week 5 of the season. Tre Tucker went from a $41 bid to the bench in just one week. (However, Derek did just drop Geno Smith, freeing him from the curse, so things could be looking up for Tre.)
Has Baltimore’s defense declined so much that Eli is correct in starting Woody Marks against them? Jaylen Waddle becomes WR1 in Miami and is unceremoniously benched. Strange things are amiss in the battle of The vs Thee but I think the Jets/Cowboys game might be lower scoring than Brendan needs. And even if it isn’t, Eli’s squad is too strong to go against right now.
PICK: ELI

Justin vs Brett
This matchup should probably air on Roku; there’s just not a lot to get excited about. The Champ has had two huge games in a row but the matchups in this one are bad and now Trey Benson is out and Justin’s cupboard is a bit bare. TJ Hockenson vs. Cleveland isn’t the most appealing Flex option. I would predict that this would be a Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease game and AJ Brown would be heavily targeted but he could be shadowed by Patrick Surtain II, which doesn’t bode well for hid catches. Brett picked up two so-so wide receivers but didn’t pick up an IDP so he might have to dump one of those guys. ESPN predicts that this one will be a low scoring affair and I can’t disagree. I honestly have no idea who is going to win this one but I’m going to roll the dice and go with Tee Higgins and Devonta Smith having breakout games.
PICK: BRETT

Power Rankings: The Borts Supremacy

1. The Fighting Borts (Original Rank: 13)
The Commish is on a tear! If teams played everyone each week, our skinny Chiklis’s record would be an astonishing 41 - 7. He’s now weathered two lousy Derrick Henry games and still has put up 120+ points each time (something his podcast co-host has yet to muster even once.) Patrick Mahomes is turning back the clock. The Indy Duo of Jonathon Taylor and Michael Pittman seem to be healthy and back to where they were a couple years ago. Amon-Ra St. Brown is showing why he was my main WR target this year, Jaylen Waddle is now WR1 in Miami, and on top of all that, the Borts snuck in while everyone was sleeping and picked up Woody Marks to bolster one of the stronger benches in the league.
At this point, the only negative to this season is Eli’s fake news History Corner but that can almost be forgiven until his squad loses a game.

2. The McBarge (OR: 12)
Mark’s starting lineup has exploded the last two weeks and the question is: is this run sustainable, like Ray A. Kroc’s evil plan to steal McDonald’s from the rightful founders, or is it short-lived greatness like the McRib? I’m betting that this is real. Omarion Hampton looks like an absolute beast. Puka Nacua has become vintage Cooper Kupp. Hunter Henry just needed me to drop him in my other leagues to start living up to my sleeper prediction. The bench is worrisome so there’s not a lot of room for error and I’m not completely confident in Marvin Harrison Jr. and Ricky Pearsall but right now, you can’t deny that The McBarge is cruising.

3. Uncle Rico’s Ruffnecks (OR: 14)
Despite being a hard luck 2 - 2, Colin continues to be the favorite to win the Mea Culpa Award next draft. Quentin Johnston is The Move of the Year. Javonte Williams is The Value of the Year. I liked Deebo in D.C. and he’s even better now that Terry McLaurin is banged up. Most of Colin’s starters rank near the top of their position and there’s no reason to think they’ll slow down. If I was Colin, I’d look at moving Tucker Kraft and Xavier Worthy for an upgrade at WR or RB but why should the Ruffneck listen to me when he’s on a tear! (Although it seems like I’ve won our Jaylen Waddle > Tyreek Hill bet.)

4. The Gentleman in the Corner (OR: 4)
The Gentleman waited a week too long to try to package James Conner and a WR to acquire a better #2 WR and that could be the difference this season. Of the top teams, the Corner Boys have the most glaring weakness in the starting lineup. Jerry Jeudy is matchup dependent and Jauan Jennings needs to prove he can make it through a game without getting hurt before I can trust him. Facing the easiest schedule so far this year, the Gentleman were embarrassed by Johnny who didn’t even need to start a full lineup to win. FantasyPros still has me tied for first in their Rest of Season power rankings but I have a feeling that this team could be a paper tiger.

5. Ktttssss!!! (OR: 5)
I still have faith in Bernie! Indiana Jones came back down to Earth on Sunday but the Rams are one of the better defenses in the NFL so that shouldn’t be a huge cause of concern. Quinshon Judkins is already the MVP of the Browns offense. Chase Brown is basically the weak link here and it doesn’t look like things are going to get better for him in near future. At this point, he’s a bye week fill-in. I think Bernie should be playoff-bound but he needs to make a move if he wants to reach contender status.

6. Pete Hegseth’s Handmaiden (OR: 2)
As with his own body, The Veep is struggling to maintain a Tight End. Week after week, Travis Etienne has been benched despite being one of the team’s best players; the executive decisions by this manager are about as logical as his namesake’s boss. While I approved the JJ/JJ trade, I do have some concerns about Chuba Hubbard and the Jordan Mason/Aaron Jones combo once Jones gets healthy. The talent in this roster still has this team as a playoff squad but I’m not sure if they are a true contender.

7. Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (OR:6)
FantasyPros has Rahul’s team as the #1 squad for the rest of the season but Lamar Jackson’s health might undo that. The Andrews/Zay stack was already dicey but it’s gonna crap out if Cooper Rush is the QB. Does Rahul remember that he has Jordan Addison on the bench? Rahul also got the peak Braelon Allen experience - he starts off strong, then fumbles away a chance for a TD, and then gets hurt and is possibly headed to the IR. The starters here are solid but this team only goes as far as Lamar Jackson’s hammy takes them.

8. Essos Son Reebok o Nike (OR: 9)
Johnny is my pick for team that could make a big jump in the next power rankings. This is a solid team and if Justin Fields is upright, he’s liable to put up 30 points. I think the Sneaker Pimp is another team that should look at offering 2 for 1’s to upgrade the RB position - sell high on D’Andre Swift along with either Tet McMillan or DJ Moore.

9. Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit! (OR: 7)
The Champ could be a few spots higher after two boom weeks but injury woes and AJ Brown’s disappearance are weighing them down this round. I’m also nervous about how much wear and tear Christian McCaffrey can take. He’s now essentially a WR who gets carries. He’s averaging just 3.3 yards a carry and hasn’t topped 70 yards in a game yet. The Travis Hunter gambit continues to be a nothingburger. With games of 94, 81, 144, and 164, Clays Says is the epitome of a high ceiling, low floor team and, for now, I’m thinking we’ll see more of the floor than the ceiling.

10. Sadat X (OR: 3)
Apparently, Derek doesn’t bother with the blog but the Gentleman will hold no grudge and will still rank his team thusly. Geno Smith now has 2 TDs and 6 INTs when playing for Derek as opposed to 4 TDs and 1 INT when he’s free of the Curse of Sadat X. Miraculously, Geno’s 13.7 this week is the best QB performance for Sadat X this season. Ja’Marr Chase might be one of the worst first overall picks in recent memory. If Bucky Irving’s injury is more serious than we’ve been led to believe, this team plummets to the bottom. The one reason I have them this high is that Rome Odunze is legit and Rashee Rice’s return is right around the corner and the QB situation can’t get any worse, can it?
EDIT: Breaking news - the Bengals are talking to the Giants about Russell Wilson or Jameis Winston. If Winston is traded to Cincy, the Jameis/Ja’Marr stack could breathe new life into Sadat X!

11. Thee Gospel (OR: 1)
The CeeDee Lamb injury was an obvious blow but Brian Thomas Jr. seems to be suffering a sophomore slump and if Kendre Miller steals more work from Alvin Kamara, then Brendan isn’t going to have enough firepower to win most weeks. On the bright side, Brendan’s mustered two ugly wins so far but he faces the four of the top teams in the next four weeks so the schedule isn’t helping him sneak by while Lamb licks his wounds.

12. K-Kel Inc. (OR: 8)
K-Kel was already struggling before Malik Nabers went down; I’m just not sure how they can put up enough each week to make it out of the bottom. Jalen Hurts can only carry this team so far as this might be the roster with the lowest floor. Besides Hurts, this also is a team filled with Sell Low assets so I’m not sure what trades could be made to salvage the season.

13. One Shady Motha (OR: 10)
Andy solved his RB issue by trading for Josh Jacobs but now his WRs are woeful. The best thing going for Calvin Ridley is the Titans being so terrible that they might trade him before the deadline. Jameson Williams is more bust than boom in an offense with so many weapons. Matthew Golden has his best game of the season and still couldn’t muster double-digits. Calvin Austin did this team a favor by getting hurt so Andy would stop starting him.
Week 4 was almost a moral victory as the Dubious Matriarch neared 120 points for the first time but they came up short. The Gentleman can’t take Andy’s team seriously until it manages back-to-back games in triple digits. Until then, the Shady Lady is bumbling her way to the bottom.

14. Caviar Fake Titties (OR: 11)

Week 4 Picks Recap

There are two games on Monday night but it looks like there’s only one games that is still up in the air. I’ve gone 13 - 8 so far this season and, if things hold, this will give me another 5 - 2 week.

Before we get to the picks recap, The Gentleman will not apologize for his Pearl Jam drummer crack. Two people complained about it but they only mentioned Matt Cameron. who didn’t play on any of Pearl Jam’s great studio albums. Arguably the best song he played on was “Last Kiss”, which is a cover song. (I’d probably argue that his best song was “The Fixer” but even that one doesn’t rank amongst Pearl Jam’s greatest hits.) Honestly, I’d bet that a lot of fans probably can’t name the drummer from the classic album “Ten”.

GAME OF THE WEEK

MARK vs COLIN - PICK: MARK / WINNER: MARK

Mark and Colin’s battle lived up to the hype with an epic score of 170 - 153.2. Colin is a hard luck 2 - 2 but still the front runner for the Mea Culpa award. Mark will get a major upgrade when I release my updated Power Rankings.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

DANA VS ELI - PICK: DANA / WINNER: ELI
Well, Mariota and Jeanty did their best to make my prediction come true. And apparently, there’s a 5% chance that Tyreek Hill and Breece Hall combine for 40.7 points on Monday night. But I think Dana has a real Ladd McConkey problem on his hands. David Montgomery was facing a tough Browns defense but Khalil “The Siren” Shakir might have done enough today to woo Colin into starting him so, inevitably, he can put up like 3.7 points.
Eli overcame another lackluster game from Derrick Henry and solidified his #1 spot in the new Power Rankings.

MENDO VS JOHNNY - PICK: MENDO / WINNER: TBD
This is the closest game of the week and I fear Justin Fields and Courtland Sutton (who Johnny got in a BULLSHIT situation) could have big nights. I invested heavily in Christian Kirk this weekend and he let me down. Not that Jerry Jeudy was much better but every point counts in this one.

ANDY VS BRENDAN - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRENDAN
Stranger things have happened but Alex Singleton would need to play his best game and Talanoa Hufanga would pretty much need to get injured for Andy to make up the 7 point difference in this one. You simply aren’t winning many games when an IDP is your third highest scorer.

PLAYER #14 VS. DEREK - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: PLAYER #14
Can JaMaar Chase turn back the clock and put up 19.1 points to help Derek take this see-saw battle? Player #14 moving Josh Jacobs before a plus matchup against the Cowboys could cost him the victory but, if he hadn’t made the deal, he would probably have had to wait another week since Jacobs is on a bye next week. Dumping Jaxson Dart for Carson Wentz might be an example of winning the battle but losing the war as Dart looks to be the starter the rest of the way for New York and The Veep could have probably gotten something great from Rahul’s clone for New York’s new favorite athlete.

BRETT VS BERNIE - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: BERNIE
Tee Higgins has to outscore De’Von Achane and Bernie’s latest Make-A-Wish winner Jordan Battle by 19.2 so I think this one should be safe. Quinshon Judkins continues to have the look of a difference maker for Bernie. Although the real difference maker was Brett who left a lot of points on the bench and might need to make another trade or two to shake things up.

RAHUL VS JUSTIN - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: JUSTIN
Apparently, Rahul’s clone doesn’t like that I’m not going along with the charade because I picked him to win and instead he was the wrong end of the biggest blowout of the week. Only He Who Shall Not Be Named would be happy with a week in which Harrison Butker led the team in scoring. And he only had 13 points. FantasyPros thinks that Rahul has the best team the rest of the way but I wouldn’t be surprised if they reconsidered that after this outing.
The Champ piled it on thanks to the Roster Move of the Week - starting Romeo Doubs - who helped make up for whatever is going on with AJ Brown right now.

WEEK 3 PODCAST REVIEW

An hour and 21 minutes?!

Excuses are no way to open a podcast. Thanks to Andy for calling Eli out and setting his priorities straight.

WOW! Calling out The Gentleman! I WROTE WHAT I WROTE! I STAND BY MY ETHICS! One thing I didn’t realize was that Josh Jacobs has allegedly an easy schedule the rest of the way. That might make it a better deal but I’m still not wild about Andy’s WRs. This is a big week for Andy as Golden and Jacobs face the all hat, no cattle Cowboys and should be able to have boom weeks.
And for shame, that you think giving average grades for average trades is “hack” or lacks courage. The written word concerns itself only with truth. No need to chase hot takes like cable news and podcast pundits.

Although I should LOVE the trade because I play Andy next week when the Packers have their bye. In fact, SIX of Andy’s players have byes so he’ll need some injuries tomorrow if he doesn’t want to start three backup RBs next week. (Well, two since Chris Rodriguez is technically the starter for the Commies.) Not a bad set up for me as Bijan is also on bye next week.

And then Eli speaks the name that won’t be spoken and immediately blames Andy for not stopping him. Maybe his ethics haven’t awoken from his long slumber.

In defense of Derek, Tyjae Spears is a solid hold because there are rumblings that the Titans could have a fire sale if they continue to struggle and Tony Pollard could be on the move, which would make Spears - when he gets over his high ankle sprain - the starter.

Eli, thanks for the kind words about my squad!

Does Andy think that doing the podcast duties covers his dues and Vegas expenses?

Eli doesn’t know the name of his best player and doesn’t know who his opponent is this week?! That is especially sad since THE COLTS ARE PLAYING IN LOS ANGELES!

The Buga Sphere is allegedly twelve THOUSAND five hundred and sixty years old, not twelve hundred.

FUN FACT: Limewire bought Fyre Festival for $245,000. It was sold on EBay.

“Turned out” has a different meaning nowadays than “looking good”. Eli doesn’t spend enough time around strip clubs and pimps.

Andy should have control of the outro so he can play Eli off when he starts rambling about questionably truthful historic factoids. (Although Google does have both fancies and fanatic as the forefathers of “fan”.)

Another great podcast, gents! Keep ‘em coming!

TRADE GRADE: Josh Jacobs for Justin Jefferson

As a fan of alliteration, I think this could be the greatest trade ever! But how does it stack up Fantasy Football-wise?

ANDY: C+
Andy is after that Action Award (more alliteration!) as he’s made his second deal in two days. The Gentleman recommended a 1 for 2 deal for Justin Jefferson (and sadly waited a week too long to offer up James Conner in a reboot of our previous Davante Adams deal) but The Solitary Matriarch of Shadiness decided to go for two separate 1-1 deals. I’m not sure if that’s the best approach since his team still has issues. He’s definitely upgraded his RB position but now he has a pretty ugly group of WRs to rely on. Once again, there’s a significant stench of desperation to this one and it feels more like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic than making a major improvement. Although that’s probably underselling the Titanic. Maybe more like rearranging deck chairs OceanGate Titan Submersible. (Why would you name a risky submarine anything close to the most notorious boating shipwreck ever?)

PLAYER #14: A
Even a broken clock is right twice a day and our homophobic homie has pulled off a whale of a trade. First and foremost, congratulations to the Cancelled Counterfeit Casamigos as he has overcome his phobia of trades. This team has a real chance at making a run this season and those odds have definitely improved after this deal. If the podcast doesn’t have this team as a Blue Chip stock after this, then I would expect a nasty rant on Truth Social and threats from the FCC chair.
Josh Jacobs was a deal at $37 dollars and has now turned into $58 Justin Jefferson. I’m a little nervous about the QB situation in Minnesota and Jefferson didn’t have to deal with Jordan Addison stealing targets these first three weeks but that’s an impossible deal to turn down, especially when The Veep has depth at running back.
Has Player #14 overtaken Brendan as the main villain of the league? I could definitely see the comparison of Brendan being Thanos and Jeff being Kang, the villain that nobody liked and who got cancelled. But this is just jealousy talking; kudos to Veep The Creep for putting himself in a position. to challenge for the title this season.

TRADE GRADE: Pacheco for Golden

AND WE HAVE A TRADE! Week 4 is off to an earth shattering start as the balance of power of the middle of the pack might have shifted an inch or two based on this megadeal. Let’s break it down.

ANDY: C-

THE POWER OF THE WRITTEN WORD!

I write up a few negative vibes towards Isiah Pacheco and Calvin Austin and suddenly Andy decides to pull the trigger on a deal! Except he doesn’t get a running back in return! Now he has to rely on the pu pu platter of backups and committee backs from his bench. What the hell?!

Matthew Golden probably has a higher ceiling than Pacheco; he’s barely missed three touchdowns this season and, at the start of the season, there was a lot of hype about him potentially working himself into the WR1 spot in Green Bay. The problem is that his floor is in the sub-basement. Jordan Love spreads the ball around and Christian Watson is due back soon to steal even more routes and targets from Golden, who has delivered games of 2.8, 1.5, and 8.1 this season (but he could be due for a big game against the Cowboys’ sieve of a secondary.) Golden probably doesn’t have the skillset to be a true WR1; he’s more of a deep threat at this point than an all-around receiver which means he is almost assuredly a boom or bust player, which Andy already has in Jameson Williams and Calvin Austin. At least we should get some solid podcast tirades from Andy trying to figure out which of these guys to play.

The Gentleman is assuming that there’s another trade on the horizon because relying on Chris Rodriguez, Ollie Gordon, RJ Harvey, Tyler Allgeier, and Will Shipley is a massive gamble unless our own Slim Shady has some inside intel about an injury. Pacheco was obviously a disappointment but to move on from his starting RB without securing an upgrade seems like a wild swing from a desperate manager. With the podcast promising a Stock Watch update this week, the OSM shareholders are going to want to hear some answers!

BRETT: C+
As someone who is still all-in on investing in the RB position over WR, trading a replacement level wide receiver for a starting running back is a great move. In theory. When the running back in question is Pacheco then it becomes a slightly above average move. Brett has now collected both Kansas City running backs which is kind of like collecting the autographs of Pearl Jam drummers. Like, cool, I get it, kind of, but… why exactly? Maybe things get better for KC when Worthy and Rice are back and healthy but I feel like it is still going to be a crap shoot about which back to start each week. Kareem Hunt seems to be the goal line back and he ate into Pacheco’s carries last week. Still, all he had to give up is Matthew Golden so the risk/reward seems fine. Just a month ago, Pacheco was an $18 investment while Golden cost $6 so the shareholder of K Kel Incorporated can’t complain.