ROUND 1 RECAP

The Fantasy Gods really let it be known that I have no place in the second season. A woeful 0 - 3 performance and, had I made it into the playoffs over Bernie, I would have suffered a torturous 153.3 - 152.2 defeat. I like to tell myself that I might have switched out Devine Deablo or Isaiah Likely if I was actually in the playoffs but history has shown that I probably wouldn’t have made the game-saving change.

So what the hell happened?!

PLAYER #14 vs MARK - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: MARK
If there’s a lesson that I ignore the most, it’s that matchups don’t really matter. I think that there are some more football-related matchup factors - for instance, Alec Pierce is notably better against defenses that play 2-high safeties - but the general matchup rankings don’t really make all that much of an impact (as evidenced by Isaiah Likely dropping a goose-egg against the worst ranked TE defense.) Jeff had the matchups but all signs pointed to his team being on a decline. I was correct about Travis Etienne blowing up against the Jets but nobody else on showed up. I was also mostly correct about Mark but Michael Wilson did better than expected and Eddy Pineiro was a late addition and OBVIOUSLY I would have picked Mark if I knew that he was employing a first-generation Cuban-Nicaraguan to take down the OC’s newest fascist regime.

JOHNNY vs BRETT
There was a pop punk band a while back called The Regrettes and they would absolutely record the theme song for this game as both teams left 70+ points on the bench. For Johnny, Emeka Egbuka farted out his eighth single digit performance in the last 9 games and Tet McMillan hit the rookie wall as well. Tony Pollard continued his campaign to be the most maddening fantasy player of the last few years although Brett’s Kyle Pitts might have cemented his #1 status on that front, dropping a massive 40.1 points while riding the pine.
Even though I picked the wrong team to win, I’m going to pat myself on the back on this because I did write that Johnny had “massive boom-bust potential… and this matchup could be much like their first game, which Johnny won by a mere 1.2 points.” Pretty amazing that their two matchups combined were decided by fewer than 2 points.
PICK: JOHNNY

COLIN vs BERNIE - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: COLIN
I should have gone with my gut. I thought that Colin could pull off the upset and the plus matchups did pan out for his studs. Bernie’s Jayden Higgins gambit played out as I suspected and Philip Rivers didn’t hit Tyler Warren as often as I’d expected. Warren probably reminded Rivers of his eldest son and didn’t want him to get lit up by the grown men on defense. (It’s a six year difference but that’s much closer than Warren is to Rivers.) This was another reminder of the second and third lessons that I keep ignoring - Stud & Scrub is a championship-winning strategy and never bet against Colin.

PLAYOFFS ROUND 1 PICKS

The playoffs are here! I’m not in them but, unlike the newfangled podcasting crowd, I don’t abandon my post! The Gentleman will be here until the final game, giving you sparkling insight!

PLAYER #14 vs MARK

More like Dames and LAMES, AMIRITE?!

With The Brendandook dead and Eli on bye, the villain of the week is none other than Player #14, an alleged man who limps into the playoffs with three straight losses. The last two weeks have been especially gruesome; The McBarge scored more points last week than Veep scored in Weeks 13 & 14 combined! Overall, Player #14’s end of season swoon left him almost 200 points behind Mark. But the playoffs are a new season and none of that matters!
When it comes to this week’s matchup, Player #14’s team is much like our country - led by someone who is completely out of it. The Veep has Jayden Daniels starting at QB and he’s already been declared out after re-injuring his elbow last week. (And Johnny just snuck in and picked up Marcus Mariota.) Beyond that, it’s all good for the bad guy. The Veep is going to take one look at these matchups and tell the contractors to add another floor to this new East Wing Ballroom. Travis Etienne should go off against the Jets - who just gave up 216 yards and three TDs to Miami. George Pickens and Justin Jefferson could be in for big days as their teams face off. The biggest question mark is, Will Jeff pick the best RB for Carolina and Minnesota?
Mark, on the other hand, might be in trouble. Love vs. Denver, Gibbs vs. Rams, Wilson vs. Houston, the Bolt brothers facing KC. The only plus matchup he has is Puka Nacua in a potential shootout vs. the Brian Branch-less Lions. And now Tykee Smith, an unsung star of this squad, is doubtful for Thursday night.
This is Player 14’s game to lose but the questions at QB and the Flex spots definitely make it possible for him to pull a Mendo and make all of the wrong moves. The problem is that my mistakes often come from overthinking, something that is never a concern for The Veep.
PICK: PLAYER #14

JOHNNY vs BRETT

Up in them cakes!

They can’t let Tee Higgins play this week, can they? If he plays, they should just get rid of the entire concussion protocol because dude was clearly out of it after getting lit up last week and he was apparently still suffering from symptoms Monday morning. Brett does have Rashid Shaheed (I can never remember which name has the ee and which has the i), who broke off one of his boom games last week, to fill in but he could easily drop a donut this week. Brett’s going to need the Hurts/Smith stack to pay dividends. Maybe Hurts will throw himself a touchdown this week to make up for his two turnover play last week.
Johnny’s Save Them Dollas for Depth approach has left him with a lot of interesting choices this week, which in the Mendoverse means a lot of ways to make a bad decision. Does he keep Tet McMillan on the bench? Does Mike Evans potentially coming back open things up for Emeka Egbuka, who has been a disaster the last month? Courtland Sutton vs. another revenge game for Diggs? How much do you trust you Tony Pollard and D’Andre Swift? There’s massive boom-bust potential with this team and this matchup could be much like their first game, which Johnny won by a mere 1.2 points.
PICK: JOHNNY

COLIN vs BERNIE

It’s fitting that the team I was the best at predicting and the one that I simply couldn’t figure out all year are playing one another this week. This is also the Watson Game of the Week with the highest projected points.
Colin has the good fortune of having his studs playing in Must Win games. Josh Allen should be able to drop another 20+ game, Saquon, Javonte, and Chase have solid matchups. The only real concern is Trey McBride against the stingy Texans defense. Well, by “only real concern” I mean amongst the studs because the scrubs are always a red flag. Xavier Worthy and Quentin Johnston are just not names I expected to see in the starting lineup of a playoff matchup. And is there really not a better kicking option than former Patriot Chad Ryland? (And no, in the spirit of competition, I won’t be dropping either of my top 10 kickers.)
The crazy thing about this matchup is that Worthy and Johnston aren’t even the worst receiver in the game! What’s Jayden Higgins doing in a starting lineup?! (OK, technically, Worthy (WR53) is worse than Higgins (WR51) but Worthy missed a couple games and is a full point better than Higgins in avg. points per game.)
Bernie’s is a tough one of peg (“Tell me about it,” bemoans Wooster) because De’Von Achane is banged up, Jaxson Dart could get concussed at any moment, and lord knows who is throwing the ball to Tyler Warren. Bernie also finally was able to get his hands on Daiyan Henley and that might not be a good thing for him.
Watson has this as a blow out for Bernie - and he did destroy Colin by 66 points in their regular season meeting - but something makes me think that Colin could pull off the upset. Bernie’s lost three of his last four and has dipped under 100 twice. Colin’s one three out of his last four although, points-wise, his team has slowed down a bit in the second half of the season. Bernie also managed to lose to me twice this year, and according to Player #14, people are saying that that should have been the tiebreaker and it’s kind of bullshit that Bernie got in with the same record just because of points because what a man does when facing down another man in the heat of battle (Calm down, Wooster) says more than some made up “points”. But I digress.
PICK: BERNIE

WEEK 14 REVIEW

The rushed week led to a lousy pick’em finale for The Gentleman.

GAME OF THE WEEK

ELI vs JOHNNY - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: JOHNNY
Only one team got the memo that this was a low scoring affair. Apparently, Eli told his guys to take the week off and rest up for the playoffs. Clearly, Tony Pollard was waiting for this game after all of the crap that Eli gave him last year. I’m not sure if Pollard can keep things going but Harold Fannin Jr. could be a difference maker in the playoffs.

THE BERNIE BOWL BOWLS

Bernie reminded me that the Bernie Bowl is for the playoffs, not third place in the regular season so these games actually meant nothing.

PLAYER #14 vs BRETT - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: BRETT
After starting 1 - 3, Brett went an impressive 8 - 2 the rest of the way. It was so impressive, in fact, that Eli and Andy knew they would probably have to talk about him on the podcast so they disbanded the chat show instead. Before next season, we’re going to need to figure out why they hate talking about him so much. I think it has something to do with the fact that he makes them feel uncomfortable talking about their dreams of getting pegged by Martians. If Brett promises to listen to the podcast on the way home from dropping the kids off, will the pod come back?

COLIN vs ANDA - PICK: ANDA / WINNER: COLIN
Well, I said that Josh Allen could win this one singlehandedly and he pretty much did. In hindsight, it was a foolish pick on my part. Colin vs. Anda is pretty much the same as the QB matchup - Josh Allen vs. Tyrod Taylor. It was never fair and Tyrod tapped out early. After Wooster never recovered from Best Friend/karaoke, I nominate him to come up with where we eat and what we do for next year’s Friday night festivities.

THE PLAYOFF HUNT

BERNIE vs THE GENTLEMAN - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: THE GENT
In the end, it all worked out for Bernie and now he can pick up Philip Rivers to take him to the promised land. It’s a good thing that Derek didn’t give in to Bernie’s wishes to trade Rome Odunze so he could name his team Indiana Jones and the Temple of Odunze because between Dimes’s injury and Rome’s general suckage, Bernie’s playoff pulse would be the same as his cinematic namesake.
As for The Gentleman, another year in which user error kept him out of the playoffs. Next year, I’m hoping that I’ll finally stick to my guns and ignore all fantasy pundits. I feel like they should be called nerdiots - they act kind of nerdy about something but they are actually idiots and don’t know what they are talking about. But who am I to call anyone an idiot after my season. (Although Christian Watson has proven me right to have faith in him.) The offseason begins now and we’re going to train hard to save face next year and hopefully get hickeys from a prettier dancer. Or not. Who am I kidding? Definitely not. Hell, does anyone want to go to Play It Again, Sam’s for New Year’s? Let’s do this!

MARK vs DEREK - PICK: MARK / WINNER: MARK
What did Derek do or say to upset Mark so? Mark closed the season by delivering a 101.3 victory over Sadat X. It’s not every Sunday that someone scores fewer points than their margin of defeat. But it’s not everyday that someone trades away Ja’Marr Chase so he can get a slightly less mediocre QB so this is a fitting end to Derek’s last place campaign. Adding insult to injury, Darnold scored almost twice as many points as Herbert in this final week.

JUSTIN vs BRENDAN - PICK: JUSTIN / BRENDAN
Well, Sirvocea Dennis proved to be a complete bust and was not the hero the league deserved but, perhaps more fittingly, the player who saved Bernie’s season was AJ Brown - a man who was so DISTRAUGHT this year that he told fantasy owners to drop him from their teams. The Brendandook is dead. Eli can finally get a good night’s sleep. He did manage to climb out of the Points Scored basement but I hope that this season’s results give Brendan a bit of a reprieve and people start targeting Eli on draft night instead of picking on Thee Gospel.
Yurk held onto 4th place in points by .6 points. As thrilling of a moral victory as there has ever been.

RAHUL vs DANA - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: RAHUL
Rahul’s clone quickly realized how silly fantasy football is and he tapped out a few weeks ago but that didn’t stop him from sending Dana down for one more loss. Was last season a contract year for Dana? How else do we explain the rise to greatness followed by immediate decline. He went from Peyton Manning to Peyton Hillis in record time.

WEEK 14 PICKS!

A rushed picks article as I try to get it in before Thursday Night Football.

GAME OF THE WEEK

ELI vs JOHNNY
Up for grabs - a playoff spot versus an undefeated season. The blog jinx only lasted a week it seems, as Amon-Ra St. Brown is active tonight. Does Eli noticed this and start him or will he be forced to potentially drop a player to add a third IDP (I assume he was waiting to see if Amon-Ra would play and if he could put him on the IR or waive Teslaa.) But seriously, Eli only having ONE major injury is pretty amazing and it’s wild that he’s going to go the rest of the season without dealing with another key guy going down.
Neither team has great matchups; Watson has this as a low scoring affair. Johnny’s playoff chances rest on the sore shoulder of Baker Mayfield and his stack with Emeka Egbuka. I’d say Egbuka hit the rookie wall but, in reality, the decline started in week 6. Week 14 brings the Saints who could be too bad for Johnny’s liking as the Bucs could lean on their run game.
The most interesting result is an Eli win, to keep his undefeated streak headed into the playoffs and more teams being alive for the 7th playoff spot but there’s just something that is keeping me from making that pick.
PICK: JOHNNY

THE BERNIE BOWL BOWLS

Not to be confused with former NBA player Bol Bol, the Bernie Bowl Bowls are the two games that will determine who takes home the crystal next year.

PLAYER #14 vs BRETT
Another low scoring affair that doesn’t seem like it should be a battle of any importance, this game is tough to predict as Brett’s facing a trio of injuries in his starting lineup. Although the injuries might not matter as The Veep is facing much better matchups this week. He also gets JJ McCarthy back, or rather Justin Jefferson does. JJ’s not great but the difference between him and Max Brosmer seems like the difference between stepping in shit and falling fast first into shit. Granted, The Veep might be into fecal play so he won’t get that comparison but everyone else knows what I mean.
PICK: PLAYER #14

COLIN vs ANDA
If the winner of the game above wants to win the Bernie Bowl, he needs Colin to win this game and hold onto second place. And before last week, this seemed like a walk in the part but the newly rejuvenated Anda Wooster is on the prowl! Anda tasted victory and like a shark that has gotten the taste for human flesh, he wants more! And he’s got some good matchups this week. The downside is that Drake Maye is on bye. Colin has the clearly better lineup but, besides Josh Allen vs. Cincy, he doesn’t have the greatest matchups. And Amon-Ra being active could affect Jameson Williams. You know what, I’ve doubted Colin all year and I just think that Wooster’s squad has more shots at boom games. Josh Allen could singlehandedly prove me wrong, yet again, but I’m going to hope for win so Anda can leave on a winning note and have a little hope for next year, which would help bring back the pod.
And with a loss, Colin’s current point lead will likely earn him the Bernie Bowl! All he had to do was fleece his own flesh and blood out of Ja’Marr Chase to win it!
PICK: ANDA

THE PLAYOFF HUNT

BERNIE vs THE GENTLEMAN
Johnny losing is the best chance for Rahul and The Gentleman to sneak in the playoffs. If he wins, then the playoff question becomes which of the 7 - 6ers won’t make the playoffs. Bernie controls his own fate and is a heavy favorite this week. But Watson also said I’d be the best team in the league so fuck AI. What’s really a twist of the knife for The Gentleman is that Bernie has the squad he was aiming to build. Three strong RBs and punt on QB. Bernie actually bested my plan as I was hoping to get one top WR but The Snake Pit features two top 10 receivers in Drake and Davante. I spent too much Vegas time on the wrong double-Ds! Both teams have plus matchups down the line so this should be the highest scoring game of the week but I think that the Achane, Judkins, Chase Brown trio is going to snuff out The Gentleman’s hopes.
PICK: BERNIE

MARK vs DEREK
Mark was able to move up a spot last week, after Johnny’s loss, but he still doesn’t have any room for error. A loss and a Brendan win would put him out of the second season. Luckily for Mark, he faces Derek, the current holder of last place. Derek would probably be desperate to win if he knew the Last Place Punishment was running the draft board but I have a feeling that info may not have gotten to him. Derek also doesn’t have TreVeyon Henderson this week and he has a slew of banged up buckaroos. On the bright side, he’s not starting Tyjae Spears anymore. I think that Bucky Irving and Kenneth Walker are going to need to carry Derek out of the cellar and I just don’t think they have it in them.
PICK: MARK

JUSTIN vs BRENDAN
In this cinematic experience of a season, this is the part of the movie when the villain gets overconfident and his haughtiness eventually leads to his demise. And nothing says overlooking your opponent like picking up a guy in Jayden Reed who is on the IR and hasn’t gotten a full practice in since Week 1. On the other side, Bernie brought to my attention that Yurk picked up Sirvocea Dennis and who would be better to take down The Brendandook than a nerdy looking mother fucker who has let people down all season. When he was called into battle, he failed. Now he has a shot at redemption. This is also would be the biggest upset of the week. All fantasy football factors point to Brendan winning this and hoping that one of the other 7 - 6ers loses, opening up a spot in the playoffs but the story is set-up too perfectly for me to think we won’t have a Hollywood ending. Of course, The Brendandook making the playoffs and The Champ falling to last place despite being 4th in points would truly make this year a horror show, which it kind of has been. Bring on 2026!
PICK: JUSTIN

RAHUL vs DANA
In a game that doesn’t seem to matter much at all unless all of the 7 - 6ers and The Gentleman lose, we have Rahul - who claims he doesn’t care about the season anymore - and Dana, who has been near the bottom of the pack all season but (I believe) has immunity from the last place penalty. Rahul’s disinterest in the running back position rears its ugly head as he’s starting Samaje Perine, unless he changes his mind and goes with Denver’s backup running back and former Family Matters star, Jaleel McLaughlin. (It was the UK version of Family Matters.)
Random stat: I thought Caleb Williams was having a good year but his QB ratings are awful and his completion percentage is one of the worst amongst starting QBs. Anyway, Caleb also has a tough matchup against Green Bay and Dana’s matchups in general are bad (while Rahul’s are good) so no need to spend any more time writing about this game.
PICK: RAHUL

WEEK 13 REVIEW

A 4 -3 week but I’m happy to be wrong about my game.

GAME OF THE WEEK

COLIN vs JOHNNY - PICK: COLIN / WINNER: COLIN
The theme of the week for most games was Underwhelming. Both Colin and Johnny missed their projections by over 20 points but Colin was still able to secure the victory and - unless his doesn’t field a roster next week - a spot in the playoffs.
Johnny’s late moves didn’t help him this week and now the undefeated Borts lay in wait, and Tet McMillan is on his bye. With another low score week, Johnny has slipped behind even The Gentleman in the Points Scores column, meaning that a loss could mean no playoffs.

NAIL BITER OF THE CENTURY

RAHUL vs PLAYER 14 - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: RAHUL
I mean, I wasn’t wrong. It was a nail biter and it was also an All-Timer of a game. Unfortunately, much like this administration setting back international relations, the economy, the fight against measles and Nazis, equal rights, and pretty much every other bit of progress we’ve made in the last hundred years, The Veep played a role in a game that set back fantasy football to the dark ages. An absolutely abysmal game and things went worse than expected for Max Brosmer.
Rahul stayed alive but his dismal week cost him the tie-breaker against Johnny and The Gentleman. Hell, even Brendan is in striking distance now. Rahul needs a lot of help and a massive improved from this past week if he wants to make it to the playoffs.

THE OTHER GAMES

DEREK vs THE GENTLEMAN - PICK: DEREK / WINNER: THE GENT
Nice reverse jinx work by The Gentleman here. I honestly thought that this was going to be my fourth straight Monday loss but Andy Borregales outscored TreVeyon and Spillane combined and kept The Gentleman alive. Borregales’s missed field goal cost The Gentleman the high score of the week but that went to a more needy cause.
Polymarket now has Derek listed as the favorite to run the draft board next year as he’s tied for last place with Justin but it 150 points behind him. Derek’s also facing Mark’s McBarge next week and Sadat X will be without Henderson and potentially Herbert.

ELI vs. BRETT - PICK: ELI / WINNER: ELI
Even a blog jinx that took out Amon-Ra St. Brown early in the game couldn’t take out The Commish. The Borts might end up being one of the best fantasy defenses of all-time as they faced yet another team that couldn’t break 100. The concern for The Commish is that his team has scored their lowest output of the season three out of the last four weeks.
Brett’s loss is basically no harm, no foul as he remains in

JUSTIN vs ANDA - PICK: JUSTIN / WINNER: ANDA
ANDA IS THIS WEEK’S HIGH SCORER! REJOICE! And Wooster even made an appearance on the WhatsApp to throw The Commish under the bus and hint that Wooster was perhaps not the reason that there hadn’t been a podcast in so long. I don’t want to put words in his mouth but it sounded like he was saying Eli was too scared to show up to the podcast after the Dolluminati of The Island That Isn’t Spoken Of paid a visit to the Valley and put the fear of his ancestors into him. This is why Anda handles the alien and conspiracy part of the pod and Eli handles the fantasy football and SFX and editing and Costco ads and planning and recording and… y’know, now that you think of it, why did we ever think Anda would be the reason the pod stalled?
The Champ continues his first-to-worst fall. Rumor has it that tomorrow’s Hollywood Reporter will announce that 50 Cent is following up his Diddy documentary with one about Yurk. Getting trounced by Wooster is the new freakoff. Unlike freakoffs, this week was so bad scoring wise than Justin’s 115 points actually boosted his points lead over the teams right behind him. And Mark only added a point to his lead so taking the bronze in the Points Scored race isn’t out of the question. I mean, it’s utterly meaningless but he’ll always be able to complain about that year when he was third in points and tied for last.

DANA vs MARK - PICK: MARK / WINNER: MARK
As my dad used to say when the Red Sox would score 10+ runs, “They’re scoring too many runs today! They won’t have any left for tomorrow!” Dana shot his load last week to take down The Gentleman and couldn’t even muster 90+ points this week. Very disappointing.
Mark’s grasp on the playoffs is tenuous but his Points Scored will be tough to beat. I think he’s all but assured a playoff spot.

BERNIE vs BRENDAN PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: BRENDAN
At this point in The Brendandook movie, we have a flashback to how it all started. And if I recall correctly, Brendan’s reign of terror started, in large part, because of a trade with The Gentleman. I think his first title was won on the shoulders of Lamar Jackson, who I traded to Brendan after a long negotiation in which I was offering Tom Brady and he was holding out for Jackson. Anyway, I mentioned this because, this year, Brendan’s playoff pulse remains because of two players I dropped - Juaun Jennings and Ernest Jones IV, who put up a massive 23.5 points this week to take down Bernie. Brendan still doesn’t control his own destiny - he needs Mark to lose to Derek - but Eli should still sleep with one eye open because the threat of the Brendandook remains!

Week 13 Picks!

Thanksgiving! I’d say Happy Thanksgiving but we now know that isn’t possible as it’s yet another week with no podcast. Anda didn’t even take the opportunity this week to give us his review of “Age of Disclosure”, the #1 movie on Amazon!

But the written word remains! Although I’ve got shit to do so this is a kind of rushed entry.

This week will also double as a WHERE’S THE ACTION?! post. The trade deadline is November 28th! The Gentleman is going to give his recommendations for trade targets. Proceed at your own risk (or reward!)

GAME OF THE WEEK

COLIN vs JOHNNY
This is pretty much a must win for Johnny. If he loses this week, he could fall into a tie for the final playoff spot and he faces the undefeated Borts in Week 14. The Gentleman has been kicking the tires on some trade offers for The Sneaker Pimp but hasn’t pulled the trigger yet. Johnny has Courtland Sutton and DJ Moore riding the pine; they are solid trade pieces but not THAT enticing given their feast-or-famine results.
Colin is in a similar standings situation - two losses could mean no playoffs for Uncle Rico - but one win should be enough as he’s currently sitting on a 100+ point lead over Rahul. I’m not sure there’s a trade out there for Rico unless someone makes a tempting 2-for-1 deal for Saquon Barkley. Or maybe Colin pulls out whatever pictures he has on Derek again and gets Rashee Rice for Calvin Austin III.
As for this week’s game, I have to side with Watson on this one - Colin’s lineup and matchups seem to make him the heavy favorite. I don’t love Rhamondre Stevenson as a FLEX especially since Josh McDaniels doesn’t know how to call plays within the 10. You have TreVeyon Henderson and Rhamondre; why are you giving Terrell Jennings red zone carries?! That being said, Rhamondre got the call to close the game out last week, which was odd given his penchant for fumbling. Either way, I think he gets more carries than he did last week and possibly hit paydirt.
PICK: COLIN

NAIL BITER OF THE CENTURY

Tells women to “Take it easy” and “smile more”

It doesn’t get much closer than this! The Veep said that this is the closest game in the history of sports. Any sport. Any era. You can’t get closer! Many people are saying this could be the greatest game in fantasy football history and anyone who disagrees is a piggy dumb-dumb traitor and an ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE1

On the trade front, I feel like Player #14 might be hesitant to trade again after he dealt Josh Jacobs for a J Jetta who is now catching passes from a guy (pictured right) who looks like the third male lead in a CW rom-dram. He’s definitely playing the “nice guy” who turns out to be the biggest creep in school. And you wouldn’t even have to change his name. Max Brosmer? There’s no way that dude’s not a douche.

The Curse of Brosmer also affects Rahul as probably his best trade asset (that he is willing to part with) is Jordan Addison (which is the name of the lead chick in the aforementioned CW show) who is now the #2 option for UNH’s finest.

I still think Rahul has a shot at the playoffs but he needs to take down The Veep this week to boost those odds. And I do not like The Veep’s matchups this week (besides Etienne.) Rahul’s aren’t great either but Lamar and Zay have the Bengals defense so that could be enough. Rahul is also going with late breaker Chimere Dike (which reads like how Player #14 would drunkenly beckon a lesbian over but, no Veep, that’s not how it’s pronounced.)
PICK: RAHUL

THE OTHER GAMES

DEREK vs THE GENTLEMAN
The Gentleman is open for business! George Kittle, Brock Purdy, Garrett Wilson (if any playoff teams want to roll the dice), Breece or Bijan, they’re all available. The Corner Boys need to win both of their games and get a lot of help but we’re not giving up!
Derek is out of the playoffs but is ready to put the final nail the The Gentleman’s coffin. I think the Raiders have given up so I think the Herbert/Gadsden stack could do some damage. And I’d take Rome Odunze and Rashee Rice over Christian Watson and a suddenly questionable Chris Olave. Now, The Gentleman’s guys could go off at any moment and, after last week, they’re all due for some touchdowns but, alas, I don’t think I’m willing to bet on that.
PICK: DEREK

ELI vs. BRETT
#1 vs. #2 (well, tied for second). The Commish is up to his dirty tricks again! Last week, he had Tee Higgins pretend to get concussed at the end of the game so he’d miss this week’s matchup. I am VERY surprised that The Commish didn’t suspend Jauan Jennings for his antics at the end of the game but, after being called out by the blog, Eli was probably wary of pulling the same trick twice in a row.
If I may throw a jinx out there, not only has Eli done a great job drafting and managing his squad (Germaine Pratt could be a game-chancing pickup this last in the season) but he has had the best injury luck of any team this year., He had a lot of guys with injury flags - Taylor, Waddle, Pittman, and even Derrick Henry was coming off of a high usage season - yet here they are making it through the entire season without a scratch. Kudos to Eli! Job well done! We might as well call the season because there’s no way this could all fall apart.
Now that I got that out there, it feels like it will take a jinx to get Eli a loss this week. Brett’s weekend rests on Isaiah Pacheco and Kenneth Gainwell and while they have nice matchups, I still can’t pick them.
PICK: ELI

JUSTIN vs ANDA
The matchup between “NEVER SURRENDER!” and “Is it over yet?”, The Champ looks to continue his late season run while Anda probably only logs into ESPN when he’s got nothing else to read while taking a dump. If only something could wipe this season away like the cool stream of a Todo bidet. The perfect Black Friday pickup for the whole family!
Justin’s 123 Kids - Stafford (QB1), McCaffrey (RB2), and Ferguson (TE3) - have lousy matchups, so much so that Jake’s been benched for Mark Andrews. On the other side, I fear that Drake Maye’s matchups is so good that the Patriots will end up running the ball for most of the game while the Packers might be forced to throw more than run in order to keep up with the Lions.
As for trades, meh. I offered one to Anda just so he’d still feel like he’s part of the crew. If Justin does feel like making a run at the points title, he could consider dealing Christian McCaffrey, who has his bye next week. I’m sure that could also give us some late season fireworks and perhaps, just maybe, a crazy McCaffrey trade could get us another podcast!
PICK: JUSTIN

DANA vs MARK
People should be making offers to Dana for Joe Burrow. There are a few teams that could use him.
Mark holds onto the 7th playoff seed but there’s little room for error. And, as noted in the Week 12 review, Mark could look to acquire someone to fill his second FLEX spot before the trade deadline. Omarion Hampton coming back also throws a bit of a wrinkle into the mix.
Can Dana continue to play the spoiler?
Probably not. Carolina’s secondary is in shambles so Puka should have a big game. I feel like both Love and Gibbs could go off on Thanksgiving and Marvin Harrison Jr. is still recovering from a surgery (it’s funny how fantasy experts seem surprised by this when appendix surgery has a 2 - 4 recovery for any strenuous activity, nevermind playing NFL football) so The Michael Wilson Era continues in Arizona.
PICK: MARK

BERNIE vs BRENDAN
CAN THE SNAKE TAKE DOWN THE BRENDANDOOK?! Brendan can’t lose if he wants to keep his playoff hopes alive and he’s going to have to beat the odds this week as his team doesn’t have the greatest matchups and Bernie is Watson’s second highest scorer of the week. I’m a little nervous about Judkins against the Niners but beyond that, even Bernie’s bad matchups on paper are better than they look - Davante Adams goes up against the aforementioned undermanned Panthers’ secondary. Bernie is trying to even things up by starting Curtis Robinson, a 27 year old who got his first NFL start last week and will now always remember the 2 fantasy points he got. Maybe trading Keenan Allen for an IDP should be on Bernie’s radar. In fact, I’m going to go make an offer right now!
PICK: BERNIE

Week 12 Recap

A rough 3 - 4 week on the predictions although one was a pity pick and I saw two of the other losses coming but picked with my heart instead of my head.

GAME OF THE WEEK

ELI vs COLIN - PICK: ELI / WINNER: ELI
Eli’s fantasy defense outdid themselves this week, holding Colin to a mere 85.7 point so it looks like The Commish didn’t need to cheat and suspend Ja’Marr Chase after all. With his win, Eli clinches the Round 1 bye and first place and has also pretty much secured the Points Scored prize. Utter domination.
Colin slides to 5th place both in record and points. His magic number is basically 1 - with a win or Brendan or Rahul loss, he’ll clinch a playoff spot. With Anda in Week 14, things would really have to fall apart for Colin to lose but he is a Buffalo Bills fan so anything is possible.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

BERNIE vs ANDA - PICK: ANDA / WINNER: BERNIE
The pity pick didn’t inspire a rousing performance from One Shady Motha, who dropped his second straight double-digit performance thanks to the 2025 Gabe Davis Memorial Boom-Bust Award nominee Jameson Williams. Wooster (which is pronounced Worchester in Massachusetts) is now back at the bottom, which will likely inspire many a gay panic joke from The Veep. Next week, we get to see what happens when two bottoms hook up as Anda faces fellow cellar dweller Justin in a battle to see who might have to handle the draft board next year.
Oddly enough, last week, Bernie’s team lost to a team that scored 108.7 while, this week, Bernie won with… 108.7. Is there a transistor radio somewhere that Anda could dial to that frequency? Are the aliens trying to tell us something?! Did they already take Wooster and that’s why there’s no podcast? Is Eli in on it?! Are the aliens the reason nobody can score when they face Eli this year? It’s all starting to make sense.
At 7 - 5 and second in points, Bernie should feel fairly secure in his playoffs - a win against Thee Gospel this week will lock in his playoff spot - and his eye might be now focused on getting back the crystal bowl bearing his name!

THE REAL GAME OF THE WEEK

RAHUL vs. BRETT - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: BRETT
Probably the only thing I’ve discussed as much as that horrible Ja’Marr Chase trade is the fact that Rahul’s team will only go so far as Lamar Jackson will take it. Even with my guy Emmanuel Wilson dropping 25.5 points, Rahul couldn’t survive Lamar dropping 7.1 points. The Gentleman can’t blame Rahul for playing Jordan Addison over Tyrone Tracy Jr. but if Rahul had a little more faith in his favorite team, he could have walked out of here with a victory and still be tied for the 7th playoff spot. On the bright side, Johnny’s horrible week has moved Rahul above him in the points category, opening up another pathway to the playoffs. He’ll need a lot of help but there’s still hope!
But let’s hand it to Brett - who now sits in 2nd place - because his initial lineup would have had him on the wrong end of the scoreboard but he heeded the blog’s good word, benched Kyle Pitts, and in starting Kenneth Gainwell, got himself the points he needed to secure a victory. With his victory over Rahul and The Gentleman’s loss, Brett has pretty much secured a place in the playoffs. To miss out, Brett would have to lose both of his last games and Brendan would have to win both AND outscore Brett by 150 points.

THE REST OF THE WEEK

THE VEEP vs MARK - PICK: MARK / WINNER: MARK
The Gentleman said, “maybe Puka and Jahmyr can will him to victory” and Mr. Gibbs decided to just do it on his own, scoring 49.9 points. Mark also exemplified the saying, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade” by picking up Michael Wilson, who has been everything Marvin Harrison Jr. was supposed to be (for these last two weeks, at least.) There is some FLEX concern for McBarge - Bucky Irving is set to come back, which could render Rachaad White as useless and, let’s put the hard truth out there, has Ricky Pearsall done anything of note besides get shot? That being said, Kimani Vidal will be back from bye next week so there’s really only one slot that Mark has to stream. With this victory, Mark controls his destiny.
As for The Veep, it would take a historic collapse to miss the playoffs at this point. And we’ll see if he tries to make a move for a QB; he talked a lot of trash about Sam Darnold during the draft - although he was probably just mad that he was no longer a Viking - and now he’ll be his starting QB the rest of the way. And, in the playoffs, he faces the Rams and Niners. When Sam faced those teams earlier in the season, he scored 5.4 vs. San Fran and 5.1 vs. LAR. Listen, I get that the real veep has done well behind a leader who constantly shits his pants but I don’t think Player #14 will be so lucky.

JUSTIN vs JOHNNY - PICK: JUSTIN / WINNER: JUSTIN
Yurk is showing the true spirit of a champion and isn’t going down without a fight. Yurk is in last place but this week, he is #1, winning the Weekly High Score award! There’s no quit in Justin Yurkanin! I mean, he’s just a Q short and there is a stinky, junk, and insanity in there but also NINJA which is what The Champ could be at the end of this season, sneaking up on unsuspecting opponents and dismissing them with skill and precision. Granted, it doesn’t take a ninja to beat Anda but he could decide Brendan’s playoff fate in the final week!
As for Johnny, this week was a bit of a disaster. His only QB Baker Mayfield got dinged up. And not only did he lose but he put up so few points that he’s now squarely in danger of missing the playoffs. He also let slip a bit of trivia on the WhatsApp and word is that Colin is already binging Everybody Loves Raymond in hopes of picking up any tips on how to knock Johnny out.

THE GENTLEMAN vs DANA - PICK: THE GENTLEMAN / WINNER: DANA
This season has turned The Gentleman into The Garfield in the Corner because, man, do I hate Mondays! (And, you know what, I could go for a nice lasagna right about now.) After two Monday night losses, I watched Brock Purdy and George Kittle fail to muster up a Monday comeback of my own. This week was everything I feared in the preview - Caleb Williams went off and my team managed to score nary a touchdown. Well, Brock Purdy did get one touchdown but he then negated it by throwing three INTs. A season filled with injuries and mismanagement looks to be coming to a close soon unless a lot of things break The Gentleman’s way.
Dana gets the moral victory and rises to third-to-last place (Reminder: Add a nomination for a prize for Third-To-Last-Place just to see Bernie’s head explode), although he was at no risk of facing the last place penalty so mostly this was just a nice win and now he can shove it in the Dandyelions faces for saying that he was fleeced in the Breece Hall trade. (Although Jerry Jeudy really isn’t good and had one of the goofiest fumbles of the season.) Dana gets Joe Burrow back in time to continue to play the spoiler against Mark and Rahul in the final weeks.

DEREK VS. BRENDAN - PICK: DEREK / WINNER: BRENDAN
If you heard someone screaming “BULLSHIT!”, it was probably Eli as Corner castoff Jauan Jennings helped secure the victory for The Brendandook and keep his playoff hopes alive. Granted, Eli really only has himself to blame since he could have gone after Jennings but he favored Darnell Mooney, who he ended up dropping anyway. (That being said, Mooney should be pretty good the rest of the way; his best games last year were with Captain Kirk.)
Derek was given every chance to win. Brendan started a guy named Claudin Cherelus, who I believe is a French aristocrat or a former defenseman for the Montreal Canadiens. I’ve defended holding onto Tyjae Spears but he repaid that faith by being the losing choice; if Derek had started Greg Dortch or Andrei Iosivas (who I think was The Veep’s ecstasy connection at Syracuse), he would have come away with the victory and let Eli sleep at night.

WEEK 12 PICKS

We’re one week away from the trade deadline! Will we see some trade deadline moves? Does anyone care? Is this thing on?

Before we get started, my current playoff predictions are:
1. The Fighting Borts
2. Vance in Your Pants
3. Ktttssss!!!
4. Essos Son Reebok o Son Nike
5. Uncle Rico’s Ruffnecks
6. The McBarge
7. Double Dam-Ba-Ba-Bouie

GAME OF THE WEEK

ELI vs COLIN
There’s a bigger game this week but I wanted to call special attention to this matchup because a spotlight needs to be shone on the BLATANT COMMISH COLLUSION! How convenient that The Commish has Ja’Marr Chase suspended when he just so happens to be playing Colin! The Skinny Chiklis is leaving nothing to chance this season! The Veep approves these dirty tricks. Keep this up and there’s a job at the DOJ waiting for you after the season!
Anyway, The Borts have some great matchups. Colin also has some nice matchups but, with no Ja’Marr, I keep going back to my original dislike of this roster. Xavier Worthy and Darnell Mooney at the WR spots makes me feel better about my options at that spot (even if former Bort Mooney is primed for a big revenge game now that Drake London is banged up, and Kyle Pitts is…well… Kyle Pitts.) This should be a high scoring affair but ultimately, I think Houston can slow down Josh Allen enough to keep him from another blow up game.
PICK: ELI

UPSET OF THE WEEK

BERNIE vs ANDA
Reminder: Dana and Andy - two men separated by one letter - bet that the loser of their matchup would change the differing letter for the rest of the season and offseason. So now Andy is officially Anda until next draft.

Anda Wooster did not suffer through watching his so-called friends sing too many karaoke songs after spending too much money for food he thinks he didn’t like but who knows if any of us really cared for it because we’re all so old that we can’t really taste anything when the music is that loud. At this age, you overwhelm one sense and the rest of them go kaput. Where was I? Oh yeah, Anda Wooster did not suffer through nearly taking his former common law partner’s leg off in a Cole Trickle-esque disregard for safety just so he could sit around and NOT do a podcast about his team’s lackluster performances.

But look, the fantasy gods have smiled* upon Slim Shady! De’Von Achane is on a bye and Drake London is hurt (not that he does well with Kirk Cousins anyhow) and Bernie turned down an amazing trade offer that would have filled his FLEX spot this week (and possibly upgraded his TE position) so One Shady Motha has a fighting chance.
*I’m sure people will say, Really? After Josh Jacobs got hurt? I wrote “smiled” not “slobbed his knob.” Andy’s gotta take all of the good news he can get here.

Of course, then I look at Anda’s team and… well, he has Drake Maye! Against the Bengals! With a healthy Kayshon Boutte! And Jameson Williams is on fire since Dan Campbell took over the offensive playcalling! And, um, well, honestly the next best thing about this team is Wooster’s flowing locks

But you know what, fuck it, Bernie’s team has some real weak spots and bad matchups. I lost the Snake Streak last week so let’s get crazy.
PICK: ANDA

SIDE NOTE: Since The Dandyelions can’t be bothered anymore, let’s me pass along some new alien news. LIFE ON MARS!
”Now a team of scientists, led by Shenzhen University in China, have found eight caves on Mars with an accumulation of evidence that water may have carved them into existence. And where there was water, they say, there could be signs life — either ancient, or just possibly contemporary.”

THE REAL GAME OF THE WEEK

RAHUL vs. BRETT
Now THIS is the game that has the biggest playoff implications. With Brett facing Eli and Player #14 in the final two weeks, this is as close to a must win as there is. If he can knock Rahul down a peg (No, not that kind of peg, Wooster. Put your pants back on.), then the Clone Warriors won’t be able to catch up to him. A win by Brett and losses by the four 5 - 6 teams (which is possible due to this week’s schedule) and Brett would be locked in to the playoffs.
As for Rahul and the rest of the 5 - 6 Mafia, points are now almost as important as wins. Rahul is 9th in points, nowhere close to McBarge and only 12 points ahead of The Gentleman so he can’t rely on keeping pace; he needs to get ahead of the pack.
Going through these rosters, this matchup is a real roller-coaster. As always, Lamar Jackson is the key and he popped up on the injury report with an ankle issue. Meanwhile, Jalen Hurts gets Dallas, who is getting healthier and got better at the trade deadline, but I still think they’re a bad unit. The Hurts/Smith stack should outduel the Jackson/Flowers stack. Running back is also in Brett’s favor, even with Rahul nabbing Emanuel Wilson, who I obviously held onto right up until the week when Josh Jacobs gets injured.
At the WR spot, the game shifts to Rahul with JSN and Nico Collins. Devonta Does Dallas is fun and Tee Higgins should get more targets with Ja’Marr Chase out but he also should see more of Christian Gonzalez, which is never a good thing.
Travis Kelce moves the needle towards Brett but then the flex spots come up and… ooff. The matchups aren’t great for Jordan Addison and Zay Flowers but when they are facing Tre Tucker and Kyle Pitts, do matchups matter?
Side note: Yes, this was the most Brett’s team has been discussed all season. Even by Brett himself, probably.
PICK: RAHUL

THE REST OF THE WEEK

THE VEEP vs MARK
Much like Rahul vs. Brett, this is a matchup that may hinge on the FLEX spots. Mark has the better matchups and maybe Puka and Jahmyr can will him to victory but Josh Downs and Rachaad White against the Chiefs and Rams is tough to support. Still, Player 14’s matchups are ugly and lord knows that The Veep is probably too busy redacting Epstein files or wiping Saudi Prime Minister MBS’s pearl oil off of his chin to care about if “things happen” to his team this week.
*It’s pretty wild that Phil Mickelson got cancelled for saying something far less insane than what Trump said.
PICK: MARK

JUSTIN vs JOHNNY
Jordyn Brooks is on bye this week, which could be a bigger than expected blow to Johnny. I do also want to point out that Myles Garrett had 5 sacks one week and 4 sacks another week and both weeks, Brooks won Defensive Player of the Week. That’s one of the cool factoids that you realize isn’t really that cool once you finish typing it but, instead of deleting it, I’m going to let this be a learning moment for everyone.
Anyway, Johnny’s other issue is that his team is banged up, under the weather, and none of them have a plus matchups. Yurk, on the other hand, is sitting pretty and, if things go right, could move up to 4th place in points this week. Yes, for Justin, this part of the season is all about moral victories.
PICK: JUSTIN

THE GENTLEMAN vs DANA
After two User Error losses, The Gentleman is primed to watch his season go down in flames at the hands of guys he traded. This week, Caleb Williams and Jerry Jeudy have plus matchups, and next week, I face Kenneth Walker, who the Seahawks’ head coach has finally discovered is pretty awesome when you let him have the football. My Eeyoring aside, Dana’s squad still has a lot of tough matchups and as of Wednesday night, he has no kicker, no third IDP, and his second WR is on bye. As for The Gentleman, he’s always looking to shake his roster up but so far he has found no takers. At this point, he’s just happy if people actually have the decency to reject his trade rather than just letting them sit there ignored and unloved like the chubby dancer at a strip club*. I’d like to say that I’m sleeping easy this week but my team can, at any moment, not score any touchdowns so there’s no such thing as a sure thing in the corner.
*Before I walk in, obviously.
PICK: THE GENTLEMAN

DEREK VS. BRENDAN
Saving the best for last and by best I mean two guys I doubt have ever looked at this blog even once, we have this matchup. First, let me just say, when the two guys you got back for Ja’Marr Chase are on bye and you can easily replace both of them. it’s probably not a good sign. Obligatory Ja’Marr trade comment aside, there’s a lot to like for Derek this week as there’s a lot of green on his roster page but… I don’t know. Jacoby Brissett is bound to turn back into a pumpkin soon. Rhamondre Stevenson could eat into TreVeyon Henderson’s points. Rome Odunze is inexplicably hit-or-miss this season despite clearly being the #1 option in that offense. Tyjae Spears is a question mark. But I do love Kenneth Walker now that the coach has realized that he’s significantly better than Zach Charbonnet.
On the flipside, I’m not buying the bad matchup for Dak and CeeDee; I think they should get their points against the Eagles’ secondary. It’ll be interesting to see if Atlanta tries to get Raheem Morris fired this week. They should be able to shutdown Alvin Kamara and the Saints but they’ve also just not shown up for games this year. I do think James Cook might have the worst end of season/playoff schedule of any top running back. At this point, it’s now 12:17 and I’m just typing words as I wait for insomnia to cut me some slack (And yes, I’m old. Being up at 12:17 on a work night counts as insomnia. If there’s no Chicas on the horizon, why stay up past midnight?) so I’m just going to wrap this up and make a pick.
PICK: DEREK

Week 11 Recap

Just a demoralizing week. 2- 4 in picks. Another loss for The Gentleman that falls squarely on my shoulders. And The Running Man was not a good movie. And day after day, it looks like we’ll never get to here Eli’s movie list. (Unless he talked about it on the pod I missed but the lack of coverage from Variety and Hollywood Reporter makes me think that didn’t happen.)

GAME OF THE WEEK

MARK vs BRETT - PICK: MARK / WINNER: BRETT
Brett not only won the game of the week but he also managed to be the high scorer of the week with a mere 126.4 points, which I believe is the year’s lowest high score by about 20 points Still, the man is getting paid! Apparently, Brett read the blog’s lack of faith in his flex options and swapped them out. Tre Tucker proved to be his best option but Kyle Pitts continued his reign of error and mustered 2.4 points (which, to be fair, was still better than Nick Chubb’s Sunday.) The Gentleman also helped Brett out by dropping Carson Schwesinger. who went on to put up a season best 13.5. A huge win, Brett now finds himself up 2 games on the scrum that’s fighting for the 7th seed.
One of those in the scrum is Mark, whose team couldn’t crack triple digits; the second time in three weeks that he’s found himself in the low 90s. Mark still has a comfortable lead when it comes to points, so next week’s match against The Veep isn’t necessarily a Must Win but if he wants to control his destiny, he’s going to need his team to start showing up.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

THE GENTLEMAN vs EPSTEIN APOLOGIST - PICK: MENDO / LOSER: MENDO
Another week, another Monday night loss because of roster management decisions. And this week, I also cost myself the moolah for being the highest scoring team! Making things even worse is that I lost because of a MAGAt. Aaron Rodgers faked a wrist injury to help his Grifter-In-Chief-In-Waiting get the W. But that wasn’t my only mistake. Schwesinger over CJ Gardner-Johnson or Cedric Tillman over Tyler Lockett would have gotten me the W. Adding insult to injury. the bums Sirvocea and Derwin who helped me lose last week would have gotten me the win had I stuck with them over CJ and Ernest Jones. Instead of sitting alone in 6th place, The Gentleman is on the outside looking in and needing a lot of help.
As for Player #14, like his face, his ticket to the playoffs seems like it should have been punched but it hasn’t yet. He’s in a Win and In scenario from here on out;

THE REST OF THE WEEK

RAHUL vs ELI - PICK: ELI / WINNER: ELI
ALL THE RIGHT MOVES! Eli won himself the week by picking up and starting Sean Tucker. Johnny could have beaten Eli out for Tucker but he spent his money and roster spot on Malik Washington instead. But the true story of the season continues to be The Commish’s fantasy defense. Rahul only mustered 104.7 points, which was the 5th highest point total Eli has faced all season. Only three teams have been able to score over 107 points vs our undefeated overlord.
As for Rahul, it was the same old song - As goes Lamar… Sorry Mr. Jackson got just 4.6 point for real and made our favorite clone cry. Luckily for Rahul, none of the 5 - 5 teams won so he’s still tied for the final playoff spot but he’s around 100 points behind Mark with just three games left so he’s either needs to pile on the points or hope that McBarge’s struggles continue.

YURK vs COLIN - PICK: YURK / WINNER: COLIN
Player #14 probably enjoyed this game as the only four offensive players to break double-digits were white guys. Uncle Rico’s peckerwoods prevailed as Josh Allen and Trey McBride’s 70.1 points overwhelmed Matthew Stafford and Christian McCaffrey’s 49.8.
With the loss, Yurk is now facing a First-to-Worst scenario and could be running the draft board next season.

BERNIE vs. JOHNNY - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: JOHNNY
The streak is over; I finally got one of Bernie’s games wrong but I did say that I wasn’t sure how to judge this matchup. What’s even worse is that Johnny did his best to keep the streak alive by starting JJ McCarthy over Baker Mayfield, he picked up Jonnu Smith, who paid him back by dropping a donut, and he told Jaylen Warren to go down with an injury. Johnny keeps pace in the race for the Bernie Bowl with a big matchup against Colin in Week 13.
Bernie’s loss puts him perilously closer to missing the playoffs but he’s still the second best team when it comes to points - about 80 points behind Eli. The biggest impact of the week could be Drake “Distraught” London’s injury. Between that injury and guys on byes, suddenly even Wooster could have a shot to take down the Snake.

DANA vs BRENDAN - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRENDAN
On the bright side, Dana’s team managed to beat the only three guys on his bench who played offensive snaps 51 - 41. Does Dana know Zavier Scott? Is he trying to promote spelling that first name with a Z instead of an X? Why is Dana still holding onto the third string running back, who only plays on special teams right now? You know it hasn’t been a great fantasy season when your blog blurb revolves around a guy who sounds like a Doctor Who villain.
51.6 is an impressively low score. Could it be the lowest of all-time? (Paging Rahul!)
The Brendanook lives to terrorize Eli another week! Thee Gospel’s win combined with every 5 - 5 team’s loss means that Brendan is right back in the thick of the playoff hunt. I mean, maybe not the THICK of the hunt since he’s still second-to-last in scoring but he’s tied for the final spot.

ANDA vs DEREK - NULL
After five games over 100 points, our widdle Wooster returned to his I Heart the 90s ways. Will this be what brings him back to podcasting? Maybe he wasn’t podcasting because he was on a triple digits tear during the hiatus. Can a league dream? Or is he too busy reading the Epstein e-mails for alien hints, pegging tips, or any more insight into the OG Island of Sin - DOLLEMAN ISLAND!
Derek dragged himself out of last place, quashing any hope for the classic “MORE LIKE SADAT Z!” jokes. Derek is the league’s spoiler this year as his final three games are all against 5 - 6 - Brendan, The Gentleman, and Mark. Rahul might want to wish him Happy Birthday and maybe gift him a player or two to help Derek knock off his competition.

WEEK 11 PICKS

Apologies! I started a new gig this week and almost let having a job interfere with the top priority! Such foolishness! And so many exclamation points!

GAME OF THE WEEK

MARK vs BRETT
Honestly, there aren’t many great matchups this week but this is the game that has the biggest playoff implications. Mark is at 5 - 5 and a win would pull him even with Brett and boost his playoff odds. As for Brett, it’s kind of amazing that his podcast mentions haven’t dropped at all the last few weeks. And his kids aren’t getting corrupted by the worst Bert and Ernie impersonators of all-time. Although, physically, they are kind of two Berts, aren’t they? Emotionally, it’s more like an Oscar the Grouch and Swedish Chef. (BORT BORT BORT!) If Eli wins, the podcast next season should be called Two Berts, One Belt. Anyway, back to our resident booty slap connoisseur (and yes, I had to google how to spell that. Fuckin’ Frenchies), but this is a Must Win game for Brett. He has the toughest schedule to close out the season, facing Rahul, Player #14, and Eli in the final three weeks. Brett’s currently in 9th place when it comes to point total so it’s not looking good for him if he ends up in a tie for the last playoff spot.
ESPN has Brett at only a 42% chance of winning and I feel like that’s about right. The rosters aren’t THAT far off until you get to the FLEX spots and I don’t love the idea of relying on Nick Chubb and Chicago’s backup RB. There’s a world in which things break right for Brett but I’m not willing to go against the odds on this one.
PICK: MARK

UPSET OF THE WEEK

THE GENTLEMAN vs EPSTEIN APOLOGIST
Does Player 14 have nothing but great matchups this week? Sure. Does Watson have him as the second highest projected point getter of the week? Correct. Does Player 14 need a win after the Epstein drop and his boy Trump saying that American workers suck so hard that we need to import labor? Most definitely. But none of that matters! In these dark days, justice is due for a win and what better to lift this country’s spirits than to let my team claim a massive upset victory? What was that? Oh, a reasonable health care policy is a better way? Or stopping the DC grift? Or more affordability? Really?! People, those things are nice but Mack Hollins and Tyler Lockett leading me to victory would do FAR more for the American psyche. Yes, I did kind of undercut my Win One for the Good Guys angle by employing Aaron Rodgers as my QB but that gives MAGA someone to root for. I’M ABOUT BOTH SIDES, BRO! Now, there is a downside that a victory could send Player #14 into a spiral and he’d go full on groyper and lose all sense of what it means to be a caring, reasonable human being but that’s a small price to pay for a pretend football victory.
PICK: DECENCY, AMERICA, THE GENTLEMAN

THE REST OF THE WEEK

RAHUL vs ELI
Rahul has the good fortune to face Eli during the Colts’ bye week but can he overcome Eli’s fantasy defense? The Commish stacked the deck so he has faced the easiest schedule this year. This is a tough game to predict because they have so many guys on the same team. Cleveland’s defense is a tough matchup for Rahul’s Lamar/Zay stack but Eli faces the same issue with Derrick Henry. Woody Marks is playable as a FLEX for Eli because he’s facing Tennessee’s trash defense but Rahul counters that with Nico Collins and Dalton Schultz in the same offense. This one could come down to the kickers but I think I’m going to lean towards Patrick Mahomes and Amon-Ra St. Brown delivering bigger games than Rahul’s Injury/Accident legal team of Jackson & Jaxon.
PICK: ELI

YURK vs COLIN
Another week, another chance for The Champ to take out one of the top teams in the league. Sadly, his attempt to knock off Eli came up short but I think he’ll have better odds this week. AJ Brown was complaining about touches and I always go with my Squeaky WR Gets The Targets theory and think he’ll have a good game. Just in general, I really like Justin’s matchups and think he could pile on the touchdowns. (I can’t bring myself to call them Tuddies. Just feels something that some douchebag try-hard at a bar would say while spilling his nachos on you.) DK Metcalf also has had a rough time of it but faces the fantasy elixir known as the Bengals defense. The concern for Yurk is that this could be a high scoring matchup as Colin’s squad doesn’t exactly face much in the way of defense this week. But to win this week, I think he’s going to need something from his two currently questinoable question marks - Quinton Johnson and Xavier Worthy. I’m feeling confident betting against them.
PICK: YURK

BERNIE vs. JOHNNY
Is it really fantasy football if Bernie isn’t in a heated matchup for third place? ESPN has this as a high scoring matchup but I really don’t like what I’m seeing here. I also don’t really know how to judge this game because Bernie currently doesn’t have a QB because he has to wait for the Giants to rule out Jaxson Dart so he can be IR eligible. And his double-Ds - Drake and Davante - are sagging as both are currently questionable. I hate to put my perfect Bernie record on the line when so many questions abound but I think the strength of his running backs (even though I do like Jaylen Warren against Cincy) are going to be enough for him to come one step closer to bringing his crystal bowl home.
PICK: BERNIE

DANA vs BRENDAN
Oh, how times have changed. What would have been a prime time matchup last year is now a game that would probably be streamed on Tubi. Commercial-free. No sign-up required. Besides Ashton Jeanty against Dallas, I’m not really wild about Dana’s prospects here. Brendan’s Dak and CeeDee gives Thee Gospel the obvious leg up. I do have to give Brendan credit for having so much confidence in his team that he picked up and is holding an injured kicker. Brendan hasn’t scored triple digits in back-to-back weeks all season and he’s posted double-digits the last two weeks, but you just wait until Ka’imi Fairbairn is healthy! I’m sure mentioning this has given Eli something new to obsess about - “OH THAT’S SO BRENDAN! THAT’S HOW HE’S GOING TO COME BACK AND TAKE THE TITLE FROM ME! BULLSHIT!” - and you know what, The Brendandook might not be dead yet!
PICK: BRENDAN

DOH! I FORGOT ANDA AND DEREK!
Ah well, I guess Brendan vs Dana wasn’t the most forgettable matchup of the week. Apologies, gent! I probably was going to take Derek but I won’t count this one. Wooster gets a bump now that RJ Harvey is going to be the lead back in Denver, although watch Sean Payton still give 10 carries to someone else. Sadat X just has better matchups and the Commies and Fins are playing in Madrid so Derek can sleep through the reminder that he traded Ja’Marr Chase for Deebo. NO BUENO! QUE LASTIMA!

Week 10 Review

Another 5 - 2 week for The Gentleman. They do say that about the man, he’s consistent with his imperfections.

The Corner is slanging RBs and WRs and looking to move product, so come with your trade offers!

THE GENTLEMAN vs BRETT
PICK: THE GENTLEMAN WINNER: NOT THE GENTLEMAN
The Gentleman walked out on his balcony and yelled to the heavens, “FANTASY GODS, SAVE ME!”
He heard nothing.
He went to sleep, hoping for a miracle.
The Gentleman awoke. No change. A crushing loss.
The Gentleman went back to his balcony, “FANTASY GODS, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!”
The clouds parted. The sky opened. The Fantasy Gods looked down and spoke.
”Dude, didn’t your team, like, barely score 100 points this week? Not to be rude but your squad sucks. We didn’t “forsaken” you, whatever that means. You’re not even on our radar.”
The clouds closed. The gods disappeared. The Gentleman still stared into the abyss.
Finally, he dropped his head and turned back to face another day. As he walked into his mess of an apartment, our hero thought, “And that’s why I’m an atheist.”

Besides the existence of an almighty space being, if there’s one thing I shouldn’t believe in, it’s my ability to pick who to play. Facing a must win game, I made countless errors that led to my defeat and likely end to my season.
I picked up Michael Penix; if I had played Mac Jones - who scored 26 points against the Rams the first time they played - I would have won. The guy I dropped for Penix - Tua - even his bum ass would have gotten me the win!
If I hadn’t trusted a gimpy Garrett Wilson and started either of my other receivers, I would have won.
I dropped Jamien Sherwood for Quincy Williams but then dropped Quincy Williams (because reports were that he was benched) for Sirvocea Dennis. If I had held onto either one of those two guys, I would have one.
I wanted to pick up Devin Lloyd or Myles Garrett but I decided not to drop Emanuel Wilson and waited for Ernest Jones to get listed as out so I could put him in the IR spot. But by the time that happened, both Lloyd and Garrett had been picked up. Even then, my gut said to pick up Tyrice Knight, who was replacing Jones, but I decided to check rankings and projections (even though I KNOW those are bullshit, especially for IDP players) and I went with Derwin James. Knight would have won me the week. In fact, I could have picked up like 90% of the available IDP and won but I took Derwin and his 1.5 points.

Classic Mendo.

And now, with Garrett Wilson and JK Dobbins banged up and Chris Olave and Alec Pierce on bye, I’ll be hard pressed to build a starting lineup for next week.

Just a miserable Monday night.

Finally, in an homage to the podcast that we all love to miss, I’m going to spend way too much time on the man called Mendo and give nary a mention to the guy who actually won the game.

ELI vs JUSTIN - PICK: ELI / WINNER: ELI
I said Jonathan Taylor would be looking to bounce back and boy howdy, did he ever?! Still, The Champ went into Monday Night as the favorite yet a cold night in Wisconsin kept points to a minimum (except for my game) and there was no comeback to be found. The Commish is still undefeated. The Champ’s season seems lost.

RAHUL vs MARK - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: MARK
This is a case in which I’m happy to be wrong. The seventh spot in the playoffs is still up to grabs and Mark beating Rahul means that I’m still tied for that spot. Granted, my team’s inability to score touchdowns has me way behind on points but I’m still technically alive. Maybe this will be the week that Rahul finally realizes he needs to trade for a starting running back but, then again, the Giants fired Brian Daboll, so Rahul will probably blame him for Tyrone Tracy Jr’s lackluster performances and give him another go.
Mark deserved this victory. He’s 4th in points yet clinging to his playoff life. Dan Campbell taking over the play-calling for the Lions could be a game changer for Mark, if it means unlocking Jahmyr Gibbs.

BERNIE vs COLIN - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: BERNIE
Do I know Bernie or what?! Granted, I was dead wrong about Judkins running over the Jets or Josh Allen scoring 50 on the Dolphins but I got the result right. Bernie didn’t move up any - he was tied for third with five teams and is now tied for third with one other team - but he did move into second place in the Points Scored battle and made up 41 points on Eli.
The biggest win for Colin this week was Bernie letting him know that he was able to put players who were OUT into his IR spot. Granted, Bernie let him know after Colin had dropped Sam Darnold and, even after putting Chris Godwin into his IR spot, Colin didn’t bother picking up anyone else to fill that roster spot, not that it would have mattered in the game so I guess the lesson here is that sometimes The More You Know still isn’t enough.

JOHNNY vs DEREK - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: JOHNNY
So, here me out, I meant to write that I loved the Emari Demarcado pickup but stupid spell check fixed it to Demario Douglas so really, Derek can blame spellcheck on why he lost this game. As if he ever took my advice. Or even reads this blog. So, you know what, GOOD FOR JOHNNY FOR WINNING! Not that Johnny reads this either. Hi, Bernie!
Anyway, who knows what would have happened had Tet McMillan not gotten dinged up during the week because Johnny had him in his starting lineup over Emeka Egbuka for a bit. Although it turns out that Courtland Sutton was actually the worst choice of Johnny’s receivers.
The loss drops Sadat X back to the botton of the standings while Johnny finds himself a game above the fight for the final playoff seed.

BRENDAN vs PLAYER #14
PICK: PLAYER #14 / HIGHER SCORE: PLAYER #14
Player #14 scored the most points in this matchup but I can’t bring myself to call him a winner. Brendan looked like he could have a Monday Night comeback but then his team wilted like they were Chuck Schumer trying to do the right thing for once. That loser spoke at my Syracuse graduation. All the money we spent at that school and we couldn’t have gotten a winner like Joe Biden?! For the record, Joe Biden never lost to Trump.
With Uncle Rico’s loss, Player #14 sits alone in 2nd place. Which feels right. The sitting alone part, not the 2nd place.
Thee Gospel falls for 4 - 6, which isn’t too bad given that he’s now dead last in points scored this season. The Dak/CeeDee stack will be back next week so he could be able to pick himself out of the depths but it does look like Eli won’t have to fear The Brendandook much longer.

ANDY vs DANA - PICK: DANA / WINNER: DANA
I said Jerry Jeudy would earn his keep this week! His performance and, as I also said, David Montgomery vs. RJ Harvey is what made the difference. Dana pulls even with Andy in second-to-last place and pretty much ends Andy’s season. Perhaps now that the pressure of trying to salvage his team’s playoff hopes is over, Andy will be able to do the podcast again. Granted, after platforming Player #14, the podcast might be as popular as a Sydney Sweeney movie but we’d still love to see hear the dulcet tones of the woosome Wooster one more time.

Week 10 Picks!

The NFL trade deadline is behind us but the Vegas League trade deadline isn’t until November 28th so it’s time to start wheeling and dealing!

I do have to acknowledge that Bernie is probably DISTRAUGHT right now because after all of my mocking of one Harry Potter looking mother fucker on the Bucs, I’ve gone and picked up SirVocea Dennis this week. I still don’t believe that he’s a real person but he’s playing the Patriots, who can’t keep Drake Maye upright, so there’s a good chance Dennis gets his third straight game with a sack.

THE GENTLEMAN vs BRETT
In a battle that could have huge implications for the playoffs, Brett gets Jalen Hurts and Devonta Smith back but they’ll be facing what’s sure to be a stout Green Bay defense since the Packers seem to play to the level of their opponent and will be needing to fix their faces after an ugly loss to the Panthers last week. The bye week advantage is in favor of The Gentleman as he has nobody on bye while Brett has Tee Higgins (coming off a huge week after Joe Flacco was told that Ja’Marr Chase wasn’t the only WR on the team), Travis Kelce, and Nick Bolton.
The Gentleman has thrown out a bunch of potentially foolhardy trade offers into the ether so the team could look very different by the time the games start but I don’t think I’ll have hurt myself enough to lose this week. Neither team has great matchups, and Kyle Monangai could go off again against the Giants, but I’m going to bet on myself as we’re 4 - 0 on the road this season.
PICK: THE GENTLEMAN

ELI vs JUSTIN
Can The Champ salvage his season by upending the undefeated Borts? ESPN has it as a close one with Justin only being down about 4 once he puts Mark Andrews into his lineup. And I do believe that Stafford and McCaffrey could blow out Bo Nix and Derrick Henry this week. I just can’t say that I have a ton of faith in the rest of Justin’s lineup while Amon-Ra and Pittman could go off and Jonathan Taylor will be looking to bounce back after a lousy week.
PICK: ELI

RAHUL vs MARK
Another game that ESPN has around four points apart, Mark needs to right the ship here and get his team back to .500. The McBarge is floating on about a 110 point lead over Rahul so if he can get them even, he’ll leapfrog into the playoffs. The game might come down to Puka’s availability. although reports are that the Rams are optimistic that he won’t miss time. Jahmyr Gibbs should bounce back this week. For Rahul, there’s concerns with Nico Collins if CJ Stroud is out, and the Cardinals defense did a solid enough job slowing down CeeDee Lamb last week so perhaps JSN won’t have his usual deluge of fantasy points. Rahul shoring up his running back spot by picking up the Giants 1b, Devin Singletary, is certainly a choice, although Chicago’s defense isn’t scaring anyone so maybe the Giants running game can make some noise this week. As usual, it all comes down to Lamar - can the blitz-heavy Vikings keep the Jackson/Flowers stack from piling up points? This game is definitely the most difficult to choose but I’m going to harbor no ill will from my thrashing last week and go with the man that has me, at the moment, on the outside of the playoffs looking in.
PICK: RAHUL

BERNIE vs COLIN
Colin’s squad is banged up and Ja’Marr Chase is on his bye. Josh Allen could drop 50 on the Dolphins but I just don’t see enough healthy firepower on this roster for it to compete with the snake, especially if Quinshon Judkins is healthy enough to go against a demoralized Jets defense. ESPN has this as the blowout of the week and I can’t say that I disagree.
PICK: BERNIE

JOHNNY vs DEREK
Obviously, Johnny is beside himself this week as he’s facing the resurgent Sadat X while The Sneaker Pimps are without their first round pick, Brandon Aubrey. But Cairo Santos has been racking up the points so maybe it won’t turn the tides against Johnny. Derek is facing the bigger bye week issue - Rashee Rice is out this week - and while I like the Demario Douglas pickup, I’m not sure it is going to even things out. I do think Rome Odunze should get a ton of targets this week; his dad complained this past week after Rome put up a donut and the squeaky WR usually gets the targets. Unfortunately, Deebo Samuel now has Marcus Mariota throwing to him which makes the Chase trade even more regrettable, although Justin Herbert should throw for a ton of yards against Pittsburgh. The Herbert/Gadsden stack can’t be overlooked. This is a bonafide toss up as both teams have strong matchups.
PICK: JOHNNY

BRENDAN vs PLAYER #14
What a Tuesday evening for this game. The Veep saw a blue wave take out all of his favorite candidates - rumors are that Player 14 keeps asking Gigi to say crazy shit like Winsome Earl-Sears - and he and his OC brethren are going to get gerrymandered out of a house seat, but perhaps even more shocking is that Brendan - with no QB on his roster to replace Dak Prescott - didn’t bother to put in a single waiver claim this week. Is this it for Thee Gospel? Has he closed the Bible on this season? Or is this just the Brendandook playing dead? Brendan eventually picked up Justin Fields, who still hasn’t been named starter against the tough Browns defense. The matchup could be an issue as Fields is wildly boom/bust; of his seven starts, he has three games under 5 points, three games over 29 points, and one game with 22.7.
’Player 14 has a chance to put the final nail in Brendan’s coffin and I’m sure The Veep is loving that his team is now helmed by McCarthyism. Neither team should be happy about how many Jaguars are employed in this matchup, but I think the Veep’s Vikings will do enough to carry him to something his side couldn’t get on Tuesday - a victory.
PICK: PLAYER 14

ANDY vs DANA
I’d say this is the battle of the bottom but, after the election beating The Veep took, I’m sure he’d make some horrific homophobic joke about it so let’s just call this game The Suck-Off. Two men separated by one letter and one loss head into the arena; only one will emerge from that hole with glory!
My hot take for the game is that this is the week that Jerry Jeudy earns his keep, against a Jets team that just traded both of their starting cornerbacks. There’s a lot not to like in this matchup but the most damning issue is Brock Bowers against the Broncos and I still have more faith than I should in the Eagles run defense. This could come down to David Montgomery vs RJ Harvey - two backup RBs who could go off for three TDs at any moment. But, again, Dana is immune from the last place punishment after his team wisely benched Player 14 for the final round of Rock Band so Dandy Andy should be more focused on The Champ and Derek’s games this week. Maybe he can even do a podcast about them.
PICK: DANA

Week 9 Picks Review!

An exciting Monday Night that I couldn’t watch because I have YouTube TV left me with a 4 - 3 record for the week. But much like what I hope happens in the Tuesday elections, we saw the down and out rise to power and MAGA couldn’t meet the moment!

ELI vs MARK - PICK: ELI / WINNER: ELI
At this point, there just seems to be an intimidation factor at work. Teams simply can’t bring their A game against Eli. No play exemplified Mark’s effort this week like Jordan Love’s last ditch effort against the Panthers in which he scrambled, directed his player to run somewhere, and then he threw the ball directly at a cornerback. At least the fantasy pundits got one right this week - with some luck, Cole Kmet went out with an injury, opening up the targets for Loveland - and Eli was able to overcome a weak effort from Jonathon Taylor. This blowout also puts Eli closer to locking down the Points title. I’m starting to think Eli’s draft night tantrums help him focus his drafting acumen and his relatively mellower draft days of recent memory are what kept him from getting back into the winner’s circle. In other words, Eli’s domination is all Bernie’s fault.

BERNIE vs JUSTIN - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: BERNIE
The Champ, beset by injuries on all sides, did his best but DK Metcalf not showing up and Bernie’s defense blowing out the Hunter-less Shiiiiit meant that Justin moved one step closer to being eliminated from the playoffs. This year, he’s less Clay Davis and more Clay Aiken. It was a league leading points week for Bernie, even with a lackluster game from Daniel Jones, a performance that has gotten Indianapolis Jones BENCHED in favor of Jaxson Dart, who people still can’t believe Rahul didn’t bid on. Bernie’s wide receiver pickups are paying off but Tory “Don’t Call Me Holt” “Also, don’t call me Timmy” Horton, was dealt a blow today. It looked like he was going to surpass Cooper Kupp on the depth chart but then Seattle traded for Rashid Shaheed.

DEREK vs COLIN - PICK: COLIN / WINNER: COLIN
On the bright side, even if Derek hadn’t made the Ja’Marr Chase trade, he still would have lost. It would have been an excruciating .9 loss rather than an 11 point Monday Night comeback so at least he’s not sitting around hoping for a stat correction right now. At 2 - 7, Derek’s season is all but wrapped up. For Colin, it was a costly victory as he lost Tucker Kraft for the season. It’s not a major blow because he still has Trey McBride, however, it means he’s relying on Chris Godwin, Xavier Worthy, or Rhamondre Stevenson in his second flex spot (unless he finds a last season waiver wire gem.)

RAHUL vs THE GENTLEMAN - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: RAHUL
The Gentleman falls to a woeful 1 - 4 in home games this year. Get my squad on the road where they know how to score touchdowns! The Corner Boys dropped their worst game of the season and, yes, the Jets were on a bye but if you’re defense of your fantasy team is “But the Jets were on a bye” then you probably don’t have a very good fantasy team.
Lamar Jackson is back to carry Rahul’s team but the running back position is a massive Achilles heel. Tyrone Tracy Jr. and Jacory Croskey-Merritt almost had more names than points, combining for a woeful 9.6 points this week. Both guys were outplayed by their backups, if we can call them backups since Devin Singletary got more carries than Tracy and Chris Rodriguez got the same amount of carries as Bill but had all of the red zone snaps.

BRETT vs BRENDAN - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRETT
I really wanted to make this the upset of the week and I should have. This one wasn’t close as Brett almost doubled up Brendan. It might be time to call it a season on Alvin Kamara. Juaun Jennings hasn’t been great but he’s getting red zone looks and is delivering more consistently than Alvin, who has scored about 11 points the last three weeks combined and has only reached double-digits three times this year (and two of those were the first two weeks of the season.) Brendan’s commitment to Zaire Franklin and TJ Edwards isn’t helping him much either. And next, he faces his golfing buddy/mentee, the Vance to Brendan’s Peter Thiel - without the Dak/CeeDee stack. Now, this, obviously, is the part of the movie in which everyone thinks the monster is dead, right before he makes a shocking return, so we can’t count out the Brendandook yet but things are looking grim.

DANA vs JOHNNY - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: DANA
AND THEY MOCKED THE CALEB WILLIAMS TRADE! Caleb blew up against the declawed Bengals defense and Dana gets himself into a tie for last place instead of sitting there alone with one solitary win. Johnny had another high scoring loss but at least this time, he was still the 6th highest scoring team of the week so it’s not as annoying of a loss. It is insane though how people seem to save up their biggest games for Johnny; this was Dana’s best performance by almost 30 points. What should concern Johnny about this loss is that this was his only allged surefire win as he doesn’t have it easy the rest of the way. I don’t want to say next week is a must win matchup but he is staring down a potential Eli-esque collapse right now.

PLAYER #14 vs ANDY - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: ANDY
APOLOGIES TO ANDY! I DIDN’T SEE THE VISION! Andy set it up beautifully. He starts to cuddle up to the cancelled one. Then he retreats from the podcast. Everyone thinks all is lost. He wounded. Damaged good. And then when he plays Player #14, ANDY DROPS THE HAMMER ON HIM! The Gentleman loves a long con and kudos to Andy for delivering a brilliant one! Andy even gave Player #14 some hope by having Boutte drop a donut in the early games but it was One Shady Motha for the win!
On the downside, this game probably only emboldened The Veep’s deep-seated racism as he would have won had he relied on the old white guy instead of the young black quarterback. Reports from the OC are that The Veep’s neighbors are hearing heavy usage of the rocking chair and non-stop mutterings of “You can’t spell Daniels without DEI!” On the bright side, Daniels is the latest player to refuse to play for Player #14. I mean, c’mon, the injury had to be CGI, right? But the return of Rico Dowdle to RB1 for the Panthers bodes well for Player #14.
Back to Andy, he now faces the easiest stretch of his season, as he’s facing three of the bottom teams in the next four weeks. I think everyone is hoping that Andy can squeak out a couple of wins because nobody wants to have to deal with him trying to run the draft board next year. A last place finish for Andy is really a punishment for the league as a whole.

Week 9 Picks!

Yet another 5 - 2 week for The Gentleman. Somehow a lot of this week’s game potentially hinge on the blech Thursday Night matchup of Baltimore vs. Miami.

GAME OF THE WEEK

ELI vs MARK
One time Trivia Night partners turned bitter rivals, Eli and Mark battle to see if The Borts can remain undefeated. We’ll see if Eli has the cajones to spew more scathing diatribes about Mr. Bodenrader or if there will once again be silence on the podcast airwaves as Eli is afraid to get out from under his bed for fear of the Brendandook. That being said, it seems like Eli is feeling confident this week as he’s starting former porn star Colston Loveland. Loveland is a Fantasy Podcasts Told Me To Start Him pick if I’ve ever seen one.
Kimani Vidal should keep this one close but I think the matchups favor the skinny Chiklis in this one.
PICK: ELI

BERNIE vs JUSTIN
Watson’s nail biter of the week, Justin clings to his playoff hopes like The VP groping a plush ottoman (The actual Vance, not our local Veep but maybe Player #14 is into fornicating with furniture as well.) The Thursday Night key for this game is De’Von Achane, who needs to keep pace with Christian McCaffrey. But Bernie has a lot of question marks heading into this one - can Drake London play and will he be shadowed by Christian Gonzalez? Will Joe Flacco trade or could Jake Browning be back and lowering Chase Brown’s ceiling? The Titans’ defense sucks but will the Chargers look to get Quentin Johnston involved more (instead of Bernie’s Keenan Allen) after last week’s donut? I think Watson is right that this one could go either way. I’d love to see The Champ keep his hopes alive but I think Bernie might have the matchups he needs to get back over .500.
PICK: BERNIE

DEREK vs COLIN
The Davises duke it out! Colin seeks revenge for Derek not spotting him some money for his 15tb post-draft lap dance at Chicas Bonitas. Derek looks to continue his redemption tour after the still-bewildering Ja’Marr Chase trade. The Joe Flacco injury and potential return of Jayden Daniels throws a twist into this one so there’s a chance Derek could pull off the upset but it would indeed be an upset and I’m going with the safer pick.
PICK: COLIN

RAHUL vs THE GENTLEMAN
Of course, Lamar Jackson comes back when I have to face Rahul! It’s always tough to figure out Drambuie games because Rahul seems to wait until the last minute to fix his lineups but he should be able to take this week either way. The Gentleman is going to need Lamar to be extra rusty despite all of those alleged full practices. If the Lamar/Zay stack don’t deliver on Thursday night, then maybe the Corner Boys will have a shot in this one.
PICK: RAHUL

BRETT vs BRENDAN
FUN FACT: Travis Kelce, in his 183rd game, tied Priest Holmes for the lead for most TDs (non-QB) in Chiefs’ history. The crazy part is that Priest Holmes got his 83 touchdowns in just 65 games.
I really want to pick the upset in this one but I’m not sure I can pull the trigger on it. The Thursday Night lynchpin for this one is Malik Washington. If Malik can go off against the shaky Ravens secondary, Brett has a chance. Arizona’s defense isn’t too shabby and could slow down the Dak/CeeDee stack, KC’s run defense will focus on shutting James Cook, Brian Thomas is banged up. The difference makers for Brendan will be Rashid Shaheed and Alvin Kamara. I don’t think Kamara will do anything on the ground against the Rams but he could be a checkdown target for rookie Tyler Shough. (Do you think when he throws an INT, he says, “Shucks”?) And Shaheed was Tyler’s favorite target when he got into the game last week. As for Brett, he’s still starting Kenneth Gainwell, I assume because Kenny used to play for the Eagles. Kyle Pitts should have a good game; the Patriots defense is strong but they are not good against tight ends. The kickers are facing off and I think I have more faith in Denver being able to move the ball than Houston. Dang. I just can’t do it.
PICK: BRENDAN

DANA vs JOHNNY
If Dana puts in Kareem Hunt, Ashton Jeanty, and David Montgomery, he could have a chance. That being said, those guys could also put up a combined 12 points. If Caleb was ever going to make Dana proud of his trade, it’s this week against a weak Bengals defense, although that squad has to be fired up after their embarrassing performance against the Jets last week. Dana should probably also toy with the idea of picking up Jacoby Brissett to limit Johnny’s options if Kyler Murray can’t go on Monday Night.
I really don’t like Johnny’s options this week and I would rather bet the Under for his team than pick a winner here but, alas, that’s not how this works.
PICK: JOHNNY

PLAYER #14 vs ANDY
Last and most certainly least, we have The Veep vs The Sellout. Even The Veep would be ashamed at how quickly Wooster saw the Ls piling up and decided to throw away his morals to back a winning team. One Shady Motha is the Lindsey Graham of our gridiron Congress - feeble, weak-willed, and reliant on Carolina whites to have any chance of victory. What a waste of Drake Maye’s MVP season.
I’m sure that Eli will give Andy the bad news that this week’s most notable drop candidate by fantasy pundits in none other than Matthew Golden. Honestly, there’s an argument to be made that both teams would have been better had they nixed that trade and just dropped both guys. Especially since the player picked up off of waivers for $0 right after that trade was none other than Rico Dowdle.
Speaking of Dowdle, The Veep benefits from Dave Canales coming to his senses and giving Rico the starting job and most of the carries (reportedly) instead of splitting them. It turns out when Chuba Hubbard gets knocked down, he doesn’t get up again and it’s preferable to keep him down. Juwan Johnson was a nice pickup since the Saints’ rookie will probably lean heavily on the TE position. The Veep should get a schedule win this week; I can’t imagine he’ll be a top scorer but he’ll do enough to beat a guy who couldn’t even muster up a podcast last week.
PICK: PLAYER #14

Week 8 Picks Review

Real football saw a week of blowouts but The Vegas League saw some real squeakers that could still go either way should there be any stat corrections.

BERNIE vs ELI - PICK: ELI / WINNER: ELI
For a half, it looked like Bernie could be the one to upend The Commish but then Patrick Mahomes woke up and it was a wrap. Eli’s lack of faith in Jaylen Waddle continues to amaze but he’s made a couple of great FA pickups in Harold Fannin and Woody Marks. Word is that McBarge will be getting Puka back for the grudge match against the league’s second best podcaster.
As for Bernie, it was a tough loss as he second highest score of the week. But, on the bright side, he did that without Drake London and Davante Adams while Quinshon Judkins left his game early due to an injury that sounds like he should be recovered from after their bye week this week. It also looks like Joe Flacco has revived Chase Brown’s fantasy season.

BRENDAN vs RAHUL - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRENDAN
I don’t think Lamar Jackson would have mattered. Brendan had a down week from the Dak/CeeDee stack but nothing really matters when your opponent farts out 68.1 points. Kirk Cousins is a DeShaun Watson away from being the worst contract in the NFL. Bill’s days as the lead rusher for the Commies should be over. Cam Skattebo getting hurt isn’t as big of an issue since Rahul wisely held onto Tyrone Tracy Jr.. The cherry on top of the turd Sunday was Rahul picking up Terrel Bernard, who didn’t play. I hesitate to talk too much smack about Rahul right before we have our matchup and he’s also getting Jaxon Smith-Njigba back and perhaps Lamar and Nico Collins as well. Also, ultimately, this was a good win for the league because it keeps the threat of Brendan hovering over Eli. Can someone pay one of the neighborhood kids to dress up as Brendan for Halloween?

PLAYER #14 vs JOHNNY - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: PLAYER #14
Breaking News: Fresh off of the Terry Rozier/Chauncey Billups arrests, a new point shaving scandal has arisen. There are murmurs of a caucasian conspiracy in this game as The Veep’s white guys scored 54.2 and the team with the Spanish name mustered just 14.9. That made all the difference in this low scoring affair. One hopes that The Commish will launch an investigation in this clear violation of the standards of fairness. The Veep reportedly has issued a statement, “The only fairness we’re concerned about is the fairness of skin! White is right!”
This was a disappointing end of Johnny’s win streak and he now has to pick up a QB for Week 9 as Baker is on a bye. But hopefully, the week off will right whatever’s hampering Emeka Egbuka who hasn’t been the same since he injured his hammy.

THE GENTLEMAN vs MARK - PICK/WINNER: THE GENTLEMAN
I’m hoping this win holds up and that the stat correction gods don’t rip this one from me. I was so dismayed by the Sunday Night game that I totally screwed up my Fantasy Basketball draft. I thought the game was going to come down my inexplicably prioritizing Talanoa Hufanga over JD Bertrand. (I’m sure Player #14 just read that and yelled, “WHITE IS RIGHT!”) I also never should have doubted Christian Watson, who stepped right in to drop double-digits. To think, the podcast mocked me for not dropping him.
Mark put together a strong lineup to almost overcome his Byemageddon. For all of the crap I got for dropping Juaun Jennings, the worst drop of the season might be Chase McLaughlin. Although can Mark hold onto him this week during the Bucs bye? Can the rested McBarge spoil The Commish’s undefeated season?

JUSTIN vs DEREK - PICK: JUSTIN / WINNER: DEREK
REDEMPTION FOR DEREK! Well, kind of. Justin Herbert blew up on Thursday night but Deebo could only muster 3.7 points. But Oronde Gadsden looks like a great pickup and Isaiah Davis seems like he has a real role in New York and could be a nice find if Breece Hall does get dealt. The Double Rs (Rome and Rashee) are a top notch WR duo; Sadat X’s lineup is starting to come together.
As for The Champ, well, it’s going to be Jim James on repeat for the rest of the season. Touchdown Terry hurt his hammy again. Christian McCaffrey is being force fed the ball but doesn’t have the same zip as he did last season and could be getting worn down. Justin better start wearing the championship belt as much as possible because it’s going somewhere else next year.

COLIN vs DANA - PICK: COLIN / WINNER: COLIN
Not a good week for the Caleb/Jeudy for Breece Hall trade. At least, Ladd McConkey established his dominance over early season hero Quinton Johnson. Johnson was one of two donuts that Colin rostered this week yet he still managed 138 points. 2024 Saquon showed up finally. He, Josh. Javonte, and Tucker Kraft were all that Uncle Rico needed to secure this victory. But Ja’Marr Chase threw up another 15.1 to remind his brother of what a mistake it was to trade him. Chase has 42 targets since Joe Flacco took over… TWO GAMES AGO! Also, how does a team named Sadat X trade Lord Ja’Marr? Next year, I demand that Derek end up with Chase and Grand Puka to reform Brand Nubian.

ANDY vs BRETT - PICK: BRETT / WINNER: BRETT
It’s was almost One Shady Motha’s One Shining Moment but, alas, it wasn’t meant to be as Isiah Pacheco’s 5.8 vs Matthrew Golden’s 1.9 made all the difference in this one. And people questioned The Gentleman’s take on that trade. Drake Maye heard his name in trade rumors and put up one of his best games of the season in hope that some other team will trade for him and save him from this crumbling franchise. Even Myles Garrett felt bad for Drake having to watch these peak performances go to waste.
Brett needs to hope all of my trash talking hasn’t upset the stat correction gods but it looks like a gutsy victory for the Booty Slappers. Brendan and Brett will battle it out for the chance to go over .500 next week and possibly squeak into the playoffs. I’m still not wild about Brett’s chance but if Malik Washington can continue to improve, it’ll give the Thick Cakes a fighting chance.

The Roads Ahead

With the regular season halfway over, let’s look at the paths each team have ahead of them. This epic and stupidly long Power Ranking (I can already hear Andy’s “I’m not reading all of that!”) is by the team’s Championship odds. As of now, my thinking is that it’s going to take 8 wins to make the playoffs.

14. Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ
SCHEDULE: Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0)

Dana never really overcame the crushing preseason blow of having to change his team’s name. This is a team with a clear lack of identity; Fake Tigers? Fake Tights? Fake Tikkas? What does it all mean?
Dana’s schedule isn’t easy but he does have some bye week luck - he faces Johnny on the Bucs bye week so no Baker or Egbuka, he faces Brendan without Kamara and Shaheed, and he ends the season against a Skattebo-less Rahul. Sadly, I’m not sure it’s going to make much of a difference. He simply doesn’t have the players to pull off a massive comeback. He needs a big second half from Ashton Jeanty but Vegas’ Rest of Season schedule is rough and the Raiders offense isn’t showing any signs of improvement. And no, I don’t think Gardner Minshew will make it any better. The one thing going for Dana is that I believe he was on the winning Rock Band team which means he will not be eligible for the Last Place Punishment.

13. SADAT X
SCHEDULE: Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0)

If Bucky Irving can come back and have a legit role in the Bucs’ offense, Derek has a chance to avoid the last place punishment and perhaps play spoiler in the final weeks of the season. Unfortunately, his three best players haven’t had their bye which means he can probably already lock up Weeks 8 (Kenneth Walker bye), 10 (Rashee Rice bye) and 12 (Justin Herbert bye) as losses. Week 11 vs. Andy is a Must Win for Derek and I’m sorry to say that the matchups seem to favor the Mischevious Matriarch that week. After that, I think Derek’s season basically comes down to getting revenge on me in Week 13 for all of the trash I’ve talked about the Ja’Marr Chase trade.
Of course, they still have to play the games and there’s a world in which Herbert, Rice, Walker, and Irving can light up the scoreboard so anything is possible. I’m just not willing to bet on it.

12. ONE SHADY MOTHA
SCHEDULE: Thick cakes. Big stakes (3-4-0), VanceinyourPants (5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-0), Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0)

In the second half of the season, Andy does get to face three of the four worst teams in the league but he’s the fourth member of the quartet so it might not matter. He also has the bad luck of facing Uncle Rico twice this season and Week 14 is Drake Maye’s bye week. On the bright side, Andy doesn’t really have any bye weeks issues before Week 14. The good thing about not having any talent on the roster is that you don’t miss anyone when their gone.
Andy is definitely in the crosshairs of the Last Place Punishment but I feel like he should be able to take down Dana and Derek, which would give him a potentially insurmountable three game lead over Sadat X.
But Kevin, why so negative? What about a late race to the top of the standings? I’m just not seeing it. Andy is second to last in points. He’s tied at 2 - 5 with Justin but Justin has 171 more points. If Andy played Dana’s schedule, he’d be 0 - 7. Derek’s? 1 - 6. This is a team that can’t get Andy fired up for any podcast roster rants so I doubt they’ll be able to muster up a win streak to get into playoff contention.

11. THICK CAKES. BIG STAKES.
SCHEDULE: One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0). The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), VanceinyourPants (5-2-0)

After this week, Brett doesn’t face a single team that is under .500. And we’re only now entering the weeks when byes are about to take their toll. He lucks into facing Andy while Kyren Williams is on bye, but Hurts/Smith are off the next week against Brendan, and then The Gentleman gets to avoid Higgins, Pacheco, Kelce, and Bolton.
This week is basically a Must Win game for Brett. Once Brett gets past his bye issues, he actually has great matchups for three weeks but, unfortunately, Mark (Week 11) and Eli (Week 13) have even better matchups. I’m not sure Brett will be favored in any of those games but he could have a shot at upsetting Rahul in Week 12. Brett didn’t get much love from the schedule gods; he has to face the Veep twice. In Week 14, Player #14 doesn’t have his Panthers (and has some iffy matchups) so there’s a chance that, despite a losing season, The Booty Slapper could end on a high note, but end in the regular season it shall.

10. CLAY SAYS SHIIT SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIT
SCHEDULE: Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0)

Justin is emulating his guy Jameson Williams with boom/bust performances this season. He is 4th in points on the strength of three huge games. Unfortunately, this approach has him sitting at 2 - 5 with a relatively difficult 2nd half schedule. Getting Terry McLaurin back should help and Travis Hunter becoming a bigger part of the Jags’ offense could make that experiment finally pay dividends but there’s really no room for error here. If 8 wins is the target to make the playoffs, Justin can only lose two more games and he probably has one loss lined up already - Christian McCaffrey’s bye is Week 14 when The Champ plays Brendan. Every week is a Must Win for The Champ and I just don’t see him running the table against Bernie, Eli, Colin, and Johnny. I’d be surprised if he ended up facing the last place punishment but it’s not out of the question right now.

9. THE GENTLEMAN IN THE CORNER
SCHEDULE: The McBarge (4-3-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes. (3-4-0) VanceinyourPants (5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-0), Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0)

If I can hold serve against the teams I will likely be favored against, I should be able to make it to the playoffs. Of course, I’m the guy who lost to Johnny when he started an injured player so me being favored is no sure thing. But I face Mark in his Byepocalypse, Brett minus a few players, and then Dana and Derek. If I take those four, I should be in. But Derek’s matchup isn’t a sure thing as he has better matchups that week. And my other games - Rahul, Player #14, and Bernie - have me facing teams with better matchups than I’ve got.
My playoff matchups are hit or miss. Bijan could carry me to the finals but then he faces the Rams’ #1 run defense with the championship on the line. I’m really hoping that Breece Hall is traded so I’m not so heavily reliant on the mess that is the NY Jets. And I still haven’t figured out my QB situation. There are simply too many question marks right now to move The Gentleman any higher in the rankings.

8. THE MCBARGE
SCHEDULE: The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes. (3-4-0), VanceinyourPants(5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-, Sadat X (1-6-0)

The good thing about having a true Byepocalypse is that you’re then pretty clean for the rest of the season. Unfortunately for Mark, that isn’t going to be much of a benefit because his schedule has him pretty much facing nothing but even strength teams the rest of the way. The biggest bye week advantage he has is The Veep not having Jayden Daniels for their game. So it looks like Mark is going to have to E.F Hutton this bitch - he’s going to need to EAAAARRRRNNN it. The McBarge does have two lights at the end of the tunnel aka Dana and Derek (who looks to have some lousy matchups for the final week of the season.) Those two wins should probably cancel out his upcoming two matchups, which I think will be two losses, which means he probably needs to win two of three of his Week 10 - 12 matchups to get to 8 wins. Mark’s scoring sprees have him sitting pretty at second in points so he should be able to edge out anyone in a tie-breaker.
If Mark does make the playoffs, things don’t really get any easier. I’m not loving his Week 1 and Title Game matchups. It looks to me like Mark’s big win this season is the moral victory of disproving the pod’s low opinion of his squad.

7. DOUBLE DRAM-BA-BA-BOUIE
SCHEDULE: Thee Gospel (3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes. (3-4-0), VanceinyourPants (5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-0)

Let’s start with the good news - Rahul was the schedule winner as he gets to play Dana twice. And, after this week, most of Rahul’s top players have already had their bye. Cam Skattebo against Dana in Week 14 is the only big name that will miss a game due to a bye. But, as usual, I have to say that this team only goes as far as Lamar. A healthy Lamar could run the table in the second half. I picked Rahul over Thee Gospel this week if Lamar’s healthy. Next week, I face the Lamar/Flowers stack against the shitty Miami defense. Cleveland is a tough assignment the following week but Eli will be missing Jonathan Taylor and Michael Pittman. Player #14 has to face Lamar/Flowers against Cincy’s porous defense. Rahul’s toughest week is probably against Brett, as Hurts/Devonta get to go up against Dallas that week.
The bad news is that Lamar is dinged up and if the Ravens can’t turn things around, there might be some talk of shutting Jackson down to avoid further injury. Nico Collins is also banged up. Bill has struggled of late and could be losing carries soon (and the Commies are reportedly considering trading for a RB.) And Smith-Njigba’s schedule gets a bit tougher in the second half.
If Rahul can get to the playoffs, I think he’s almost a lock for the second round as Lamar and Flowers have another date with the Bengals in Round 1. Unfortunately, the matchups get tougher for Rahul as the playoff carry on and I’m not sure he’ll have enough firepower to make it all the way to the title.

6. ESSOS SON REEBOK O SON NIKE
SCHEDULE: VanceinyourPants (5-2-0), Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ(1-6-0), Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0)

When will Johnny lose again? Who will set up his lineups if he was in Chauncey Billups’s poker ring? John is Mr. Momentum right now as he’s reeled off 5 straight wins. If he can take out The Veep this week, he has Dana and Derek on deck. Then he has Bernie sans Danny Dimes and Tyler Warren. If he can run that not-so-imposing gauntlet, he’ll have 9 wins and be locked into the playoffs. Things get a little more worrisome should be stumble because he closes with an actual gauntlet of The Champ, Colin, and Eli. Still, it’s hard to see a future in which his team doesn’t get to 8 wins. Once he’s in the playoffs… I’m not liking his chances. At the start of the season, I thought Tampa Bay had the best playoff schedule but Atlanta and Carolina’s defenses have proven to be stouter than expected. And I don’t think I’ll ever love the idea of depending on Jaylen Warren and D’Andre Swift.

5. UNCLE RICO’S ROUGHNECK
SCHEDULE: Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ (1-6-0), Sadat X (1-6-0), Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0)

What a pleasant way to kick off the second half of the season, with Dana and Derek in back-to-back weeks, although Colin will be facing his brother without the help of Saquon Barkley so that matchup could be tighter than expected. (Then again, maybe not since Saquon - the 15th ranked RB - has been a disappointment so far this season.) Things get a little trickier after that. Ja’Marr Chase, Xavier Worthy, and Javonte Williams are all on bye for Colin’s date with Bernie. I think Colin has the matchups to move past The Champ but then he has Eli and Johnny. But those games might not matter; if 8 wins gets a team to the playoffs, Dana, Derek, Justin, and the finale against Andy should be enough to do the trick. In the playoffs, Josh Allen has New England, Cleveland, and Philly - not just three solid defenses but potentially three bad weather games. Ja’Marr Chase has an easier time with Baltimore, @Miami, and Arizona but, again, the home games could have weather issues. The real kicker will be if Colin makes it to the title game - he’ll have to root for Saquon Barkley against his beloved Buffalo Bills. Colin could easily be ranked #3 but I’ve been underestimating him all season so why stop now?

4. KTTTSSSS!!!
SCHEDULE: The Fighting Borts (7-0-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel(3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner (4-3-0)

Bernie’s schedule is neither here nor there. He faces Colin when Ja’Marr Chase, Xavier Worthy, and Jameson Williams are all on bye but then Danny Dimes and Tyler Warren are off against Johnny (and Jaxson Dart is playing Green Bay, which might not be the greatest matchup.) De’Von Achane and Keenan Allen are out the following week but that’s the week he plays Andy so a higher degree of difficulty doesn’t necessarily equal a loss. Bernie ends the season with even strength matchups against The Brendandook and The Gentleman. I’d expect him to be 7 - 5 heading into those games so he may need to win one of those two games to make the second season. Given this dicey second half, why is Bernie ranked this high? I think Bernie could have, top to bottom, the best playoff matchups and I think he has good odds of being the points leader for those three weeks. The contenders should all probably root against Señor Snake in the coming weeks because if you let him in the playoffs, he’s going to be hard to stop.

3. THEE GOSPEL
The Fantasy Gods (or Demons) smiled upon Brendan when this schedule was made. If Eli was nervous about the Brendandook before, he’s going to become absolutely apoplectic when he sees this breakdown.
Week 8 brings Rahul, possibly without Lamar and definitely no Jaxon Smith-Njigba.
Week 9 is Brett without Jalen Hurts/Devonta Smith
Week 10 is Dak and CeeDee’s bye week but guess who benefits? None other than league villain, Player #14. The devil’s work is never done!
Week 11 is the Saints’ bye so Kamara and Shaheed will be out but Brendan is facing Dana so he should be able to weather that storm. (Also, not having Shaheed could be addition by subtraction.)
Week 12 is Derek without Justin Herbert.
Week 13 brings Bernie and finally a full squad. It feels fitting that this lineup that seems like someone sold their soul should face its toughest matchup in a team named after A SNAKE!
Week 14 wraps up with Justin who will be missing Christian McCaffrey.
There’s is a very strong possibility that Brendan heads into the playoff on a 7 - 1 or 6 - 2 run. It probably won’t be enough to wrest the first round bye out of Eli’s hands but it should give the obsessed Commish nightmares for the next two months.
Now, there is one potential issue here and that’s that Brendan’s team is 4th to last in scoring and he’s failed to break 100 points every other week this year. He’s never had back-to-back triple digit scores. Even Andy’s accomplished that! On the other hand, CeeDee Lamb missed a bunch of games and Brendan’s lackluster performance last week was partly due to James Cook being on bye but still, this is a team that has holes and hasn’t been able to put it together consistently.
When it comes to the playoffs, the biggest hurdle for Brendan seems to be Week 1 when the Cowboys are facing Minnesota, James Cook will be up against New England’s tough run defense, and Kamara will be stuck with the Panthers. If the man living in Eli’s head can get past Round 1, his matchups look much nicer and he’s a legit threat to bring home yet another title. Eli will probably never speak to me again if Juaun Jennings is a difference maker. I already helped Brendan win one title, the year I traded him Lamar Jackson. A second helping hand could tear apart our trivia team.

2. VANCEINYOURPANTS
SCHEDULE: Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0), One Shady Motha (2-5-0), Thee Gospel (3-4-0), The Gentleman in the Corner(4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie(4-3-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes. (3-4-0)

If Player #14 wins this week, there’s probably no stopping him from making the playoffs. He’d be 6 - 2, which is basically 7 - 2 because he still has a game against Andy to look forward to. He’d have to somehow lose all of the rest of his games and drop down in the Points Scored column, which would be a collapse that would eclipse even Eli’s disastrous fall a couple years ago. But… it could happen. The only thing that can stop Rico Dowdle is Chuba Hubbard and Chuba’s doing just that. The same fracturing of carries is about to also happen to Jordan Mason as Aaron Jones is ready to return from the IR. Minnesota’s quarterback situation could lower Justin Jefferson’s ceiling and it seems like someone tapped Travis Etienne on the shoulder and reminded him that he is Travis Etienne as he’s failed to crack double digits the last three weeks. And we haven’t even gotten to the fact that karma bitch-slapped The Veep as he lost Mike Evan and Darren Waller and then Jayden Daniels got dinged up. Injuries as impacting The Veep like it was the White House East Wing.
All of that being said, I feel like Player #14 will find a way to make the playoffs and once he’s there, he’s dangerous. Justin Jefferson has a league-winning playoff schedule and there are a lot of green matchups to choose from. The “choose from” could be what takes Player #14 down though. It won’t be easy deciding which running back to play each week. Jeff is the team most likely to make a roster choice that costs him his chance at a title. Here’s hoping that Jeff will soon feel the same level of regret that American cattle farmers are feeling right now.

1. THE FIGHTING BORTS
SCHEDULE: Ktttssss!!! (4-3-0), The McBarge (4-3-0), Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit (2-5-0), Double Dram-Ba-Ba-Bouie (4-3-0), Uncle Rico's RuffNecks (4-3-0), Thick cakes. Big stakes (3-4-0), Essos Son Reebok o son Nike (5-2-0)

Eli’s team has been literally unstoppable in the first half of the season but they also have faced the easiest schedule. And Derrick Henry is the only key player who has had his bye yet so Eli has games ahead without Mahomes, Amon-Ra, and Taylor/Pittman. This week is St. Brown’s bye. Rahul benefits from facing Eli during Indy’s bye week. But Mahomes’s bye week shouldn’t be an issue because backup Bo Nix is facing the pathetic Raiders that week.
While the road ahead is rougher for Eli, he pretty much has to win just one more game to make the playoffs and, despite Johnny’s heater, I think Eli should be able to maintain his death grip on the first round bye, which is imperative because his team doesn’t have the best matchups that week. Not that his matchups get better after that. And, shield your eyes, Andy, in terms of actual football, Eli’s biggest concern may be the Colts continuing to win and starting to take some of the load off of Jonathan Taylor at the end of the season in order to keep the oft-injured RB healthy for the actual NFL playoffs. I’m tempted to knock Eli down a couple pegs because of his playoff matchups but so far, that hasn’t really mattered much and I just can’t see anyone else who should have higher odds of winning it all. Ask me again when the playoffs roll around and I’d be surprised if Eli wasn’t my third choice as Team Most Likely to Take Home The Title.

WEEK 8 PICKS!

I might do a bit of a deep dive into the league tomorrow or Thursday so keep a look so keep a look out for bonus blog content!

The big bye week is upon us so we had some movement on the waiver wire but nothing really all that expensive. Unless something crazy happens, I’m not sure the people who saved their FA money are going to have anything to spend it on. But you never know!

GAME OF THE WEEK

BERNIE vs ELI
Can Bernie knock Eli from the ranks of the undefeated? The first look at the matchups doesn’t bode well for Bernie. I think Tennessee’s QB ranking is inflated, but the biggest beneficiary of that matchup will be Jonathon Taylor. Derrick Henry is due for a bounceback game. And what gamesmanship by Eli - SIRVOCEA DENNIS REVENGE GAME! That nerd is probably spilling all of Bernie’s secrets as we speak! Eli truly rules with an iron fist; benching Jaylen Waddle after he put up just two points last week. I feel like the What Have You Done For Me Lately attitude could wear on his players and hurt him later in the season but, for now, it’s led to smooth sailing.
WINNER: ELI

BRENDAN vs RAHUL
While not quite Game of the Week status, this game could have playoff implications for both squads. Rahul was able to finally win a game without Lamar but I’m not sure he’ll be able to repeat that feat this week. But this game really hinges on Brendan’s QB - the Dak/CeeDee stack is facing what one would assume is an embarrassed Broncos defense that underestimated the Giants’ offense. James Cook is back but is facing an underrated Carolina defense that has held Achane, Javonte, and Breece to under 40 yards rushing the last few weeks. I’d love to not pick the winner and instead bet on the Under for this game but, alas, that is not an option. I’m going to make a conditional pick for this one.
WINNER (IF LAMAR PLAYS) - RAHUL
WINNER (IF LAMAR IS OUT) - BRENDAN

PLAYER #14 vs JOHNNY
This is another Game of the Week option, a primetime matchup between to 5 - 2 squads. Player #14’s team was beaten up worst than the East Wing of the White House this week; injuries and bye weeks have decimated the roster, leaving The Veep to start both Carolina running backs. The one thing going for him is that the Vikings are playing the suddenly horrific Chargers defense. Johnny has Emeka Egbuka back on the bench but I feel like that’s a bad call. Still, I think Baker, Sutton, and Swift should be able to pace the Sneaker Pimps to victory.
PICK: JOHNNY

THE GENTLEMAN vs MARK
This was always circled as a plus matchup for the Corner Boys because Mark’s top players all are on bye this week. On top of that, my guys have great matchups this week but I’m nervous that they could be TOO good of matchups. ATL taking on Miami feels like it’s a Tyler Allgeier game and the Falcons could try to feed Drake Maye a bit more since he was ignored a bit last week. Denver should lean on JK Dobbins against Dallas but if that game becomes a shootout, they could abandon the run again like last week.And then there’s the curious case of Breece Hall. I think the odds are that the Jets wait until after their game this week to make trades - they have a bye next week so they can make trades and then have an extra week for guys like Isaiah Davis to get comfortable in their new role, however, the Chargers play on Thursday and I wouldn’t be stunned if they pushed for a trade on Friday, so they could give Breece more time to learn the playbook so he can hit the ground running. In that case, Breece would likely be off the board for me on Sunday. Still, I think I should have enough to beat McBarge’s backups.
PICK: THE GENTLEMAN

JUSTIN vs DEREK
Derek only has three guys who are even predicted to score double-digits this week. That number will jump to four if Deebo Samuel is healthy but there are a lot of bench-worthy guys getting run on a team that only has one player on bye. At least, Rashee Rice and Rome Odunze have plus matchups.
As for The Champ, The Gentleman is obviously hoping that Michael Penix’s bone bruise is worse than expected so we can see the glorious return of KIRK COUSINS! Beyond the QB issues, there’s a lot not to like here. CMC vs, Houston, DK vs GB, Jake Ferguson vs. Denver. If Derek can get a couple of guys to step up, he has a chance but, again, the problem is that his supporting cast is so weak that a step up still leaves them a step below Justin’s players.
PICK: JUSTIN

COLIN vs DANA
Even I can’t underestimate Colin enough in the Battle of Buffalo. Dana’s team is struggling and has three players on bye. Needless to say, the bench of a 1 - 6 team isn’t resplendent with replacement options. Colin’s matchups aren’t great but they don’t need to be this week.
PICK: COLIN

ANDY vs BRETT
Quick! Everyone take a screengrab of this matchup because Andy is favored! Of course, that moment in the sun will only last until Brett picks up another IDP player to fill out his roster but we’re looking for anything to perk up our favorite podcaster. We like Curmudgeon Andy but this season has taken the Woo out of Wooster and, if we’re being honest, there’s not much stirring either. One Shady Motha’s season, however, has already been turned into a movie. They replaced running a fantasy team with raising a child to make it more appealing but Rose Byrne is basically playing Andy in this one. Conan O’Brien plays Eli.

Andy arrives just at the right time for Brett, who has Kyren Williams on bye and no real great replacement option (although I feel like he has better options than Nick Chubb and possibly even better than Kenneth Gainwell.) Still, I.feel like the Hurts/Smith stack should be enough to win the week. I’m surprised that Brett and his $78 dollars allowed himself to be outbid for Breshard Smith but maybe his KC RB fetish has passed. We’re also all still waiting for a report on Brandi Mae’s Booty Slap event.
PICK: BRETT

WEEK 7 PICK REVIEW

This week, we had a rare fantasy feat of no bad beats. Every game was a blowout except for the one game which was won by the slimmest of margins - just 1.2 points. We also managed to have the highest and lowest scores of the week IN THE SAME GAME! The Champ took down Dana 181.2 - 71.4

I missed a game so it was a 3 - 3 week for me.

ELI vs KEVIN - PICK: KEVIN / WINNER: ELI
What a disaster of a week. At least, Chris Olave had a good game because everything else went wrong. I kept Kendre Miller, hoping that Alvin Kamara’s gimpy ankle or trade rumors might make him a strong hold, and he rewarded my faith by blowing out his knee. I listened to conventional wisdom and benched Mason Taylor for George Kittle and I even felt good for a bit when Taylor only mustered 4.6 points but then Kittle dumped a goose egg. Honestly, the only thing going for me is that the Jets are absolutely terrible* so the #FREEBREECE movement gained momentum (also, the Jets played backup Isaiah Davis more this week, which is another good omen.)
Eli’s juggernaut keeps motoring along. His team hasn’t scored fewer than 126 points and both Taylor and Mahomes have turned back the clock and are delivering elite fantasy seasons.

*Yes, we all know that Justin Fields isn’t an NFL quarterback but, in his defense, the Jets’s offense makes no sense. Why do teams try to make Justin Fields a pocket passer? How many more times does he have to prove that he sucks at it? Fields should be leading the league in passing out of play-action and RPO but he’s near the bottom. They had no WRs but - even after Fields was benched - they kept trying to throw it deep. Did they try to slow down the pass rush by throwing some RB screens? Nope. Again, Fields is garbage but Jets’ OC Tanner Engstrand isn’t doing him any favors.

BERNIE vs DEREK - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: BERNIE
The Gentleman still has his finger on the pulse of Ktttssss!!! Still perfect at predicting his games. Bernie gets over .500 for the first time this season and has some momentum heading into his battle with the undefeated Fighting Borts.
For Derek, Justin Herbert piled on some points in garbage time to try to salvage the Ja’Marr Chase trade - which had injury added to insult as Deebo didn’t play this week - but nobody is fooled. Discussion Topic: What is the worst trade in Vegas League history?

COLIN vs PLAYER #14 - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: COLIN
The Veep’s squad was apparently tired out from partying at the No Kings rally and didn’t put up much of a fight. Some players have also made it known that they aren’t interested in playing for Player #14 and are now faking injuries to avoid being associated with the giddy grifter. Some people are even doubting if the Casamigos at that one bar was actually counterfeit.
As for Colin, one of these days I’ll stop doubting his team but this obviously wasn’t that day. The Cardinals apparently realized that they could throw to Trey McBride in the red zone and Ja’Marr Chase did Ja’Marr Chase things again. A cakewalk of a win on Josh Allen’s bye week is a great sign for Colin’s squad and their playoff chances.

JOHNNY vs BRETT - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: JOHNNY
Perhaps a stat correction could tilt the scales on this one but it seems like Johnny squeaked this one out. Brett did his best and nobody can really fault him for not starting Kyle Pitts over Travis Kelce or Kyren Williams. Even Kenneth Gainwell against Cincy’s defense wasn’t an indefensible choice but, if Andy gets to choose the Toto bidet award, my guess is that he’ll give it to Brett for the Gainwell start.
As predicted, Johnny’s team continues to ascend. Apparently, Baker Mayfield and Sam LaPorta got a little too cocky and didn’t bring their A games on Monday* but they scored just enough to get the win. Mike Evans’s injury means Emeka Egbuka should be locked in as WR1 in Tampa Bay for the rest of the season. Johnny’s going to have to make another move this week since LaPorta is on bye and he doesn’t have another TE. He’ll probably also need to move Justin Fields, who could be benched and, even if he isn’t, has the same bye week as Baker Mayfield (week 9).
* No more doubleheaders on Monday night, please. I have to imagine it’s even worse on the East Coast but did the world really need a Seahawks/Texans matchup on Monday? That’s a Thursday Night throwaway game at best.

BRENDAN vs MARK - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: MARK
Eli’s prayers were answered as the man who haunts his every waking moment, - let’s call him The Brendandook - wasn’t able to pull out a victory this week. Brian Thomas Jr. has a bye this week but that might be a good thing for both Brendan and Brian Thomas - who leads the league with 9 drops. The Dak/Cee Dee stack is a winner and James Cook will be back next week, but the rest of the supporting doesn’t seem strong enough to make this team a contender.
Mark just needed some shit talk from the pod to light a fire under his ass and get back into the win column. The biggest win was word that Puka Nacua is likely to return after LA’s Week 8 bye. Jahmry Gibbs and three IDPs in double-digits were the key to this win. Marvin Harrison seems to be the WR equivalent of Trevor Lawrence - the generational talent who wasn’t. Mark’s bench delivered the rare group donut as four guys were out and Jalen Coker didn’t catch either of his targets. Things need to change next week as it is Mark’s dreaded Byepocalypse with Puka, Jahmyr Gibbs, Harrison, and Nate Landman sitting out and Omarion Hampton is still on the IR.

ANDY vs RAHUL - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: RAHUL
On the bright side, Andy has finally scored triple digits in two straight weeks. Unfortunately, he still hasn’t won back-to-back games this season. Apparently, Jameson Williams didn’t want Andy to miss him during his bye week so he put up a big fat zero this week to ease the transition. Eli should give Andy the number to the Gabe Davis Memorial Boom/Bust support group.
Lamar Who? Aaron Rodgers was absolutely psyched to play for a team run by a clone and he put his best foot forward for fake Rahul. This was a big win as it snapped a three game losing streak and Rahul needed a W this week since next week he’ll be without JSN. The biggest issue for Rahul is RB where Bill seems like he might be a one week wonder and who knows how long Scattebo can keep beating his body up.

JUSTIN vs DANA
I never got back to make the pick for the Toilet Bowl and I would’ve picked Justin but I won’t give myself the point since I didn’t make it official. The Champ didn’t have to go so hard against Dana, who only had two guys in double-digits and barely avoided a 100 point defeat. The Champ doesn’t often win but when he does, he utterly blows out his opponent. His two wins are by an average of 86.3.

WEEK 6 PODCAST LIVE BLOG

Keep it tight, they say. And the podcast is still an hour and 10 minutes.

A Mea Culpa for confusing Jennings and Johnson but still no Mea Culpa for platforming Player #14.

Was this week’s podcast sponsored by Prozac? Where’s the energy?

Eli thinks Juaun Jennings is a big move yet he attacked me viciously for offering him in a trade. I can’t wait to hear more about this. Also, Brandon Aiyuk has reportedly started working out at practice so he might be healthier before Jennings is.

FYI: Brett’s name change was inspired by a message he sent us in the WhatsApp chat.

And yes, Booty Slap is ladies slapping each other in the butt until someone quits. Inspired I guess by Dana White’s Power Slap.

Eli is the second biggest Caleb hater besides Troy Aikman. A few weeks ago, Eli said Caleb was good for me because he gave me a legit starting QB. Since the trade, it’s been nothing but slander. On top of that, Eli called Drake Maye the best value at QB this year; he is averaging 23.8 points a game. Caleb? 23.9. And Maye cost 300% more than Caleb!

It’s Player 14. Not Player X. Perhaps it could be Player XIV but Player X is too close to Malcolm X, who Player 14 would probably hate being compared to but, still, it’s disrespectful to an American icon.

Andy trying to uncancel Jeff after the Josh Jacobs trade is like Trump giving everything to Qatar after he got that jumbo jet. And on No Kings weekend, to boot! How long until Andy nominates that we have our next draft in Riyadh? And if Player 14 is the Veep then I guess Andy is Mike Johnson, with his ridiculous spin. How can he be blamed for putting “Cancel Jeff” on the nomination list?! Clearly, Andy saw Aaron Rodgers dump all over his team and is now scrambling to be on the side of the “immunized.” One Shady Motha, indeed. Maybe he should go all-in and change his name to One Shady Tradwife.

If the Dandyelions want to monetize this podcast, they could market it as a sleep aid.

With the amount of time spent on The Gentleman, it’s clear - once again - that the Dandyelions are intimidated and threatened by the written word. THE TRUTH SHALL NOT BE SILENCED! THE GENTLEMAN WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT! Let’s break down the nonsense in the section about The Gentleman in the Corner.

- Again, Eli was offended when I offered him Jennings in a trade. But now Eli calls Jennings explosive. To me, it seems like the most explosive thing about Juaun are his bones and his temper. (Although somehow a guy with five broken ribs and both high & low ankle sprains doesn’t warrant inclusion on the Niners’ injury report.) Maybe Jennings miraculously got better this week but he looked awful out there last week. And now Kittle is back and Pearsall is back next week.
- I should have gotten more for Kenneth Walker, says the guy who offered me Bo Nix for Walker.
- Admittedly, there was some desperation from me this week but it was because of an issue that went unmentioned on the pod - Garrett Wilson got hurt, leaving me no legit WR options.
- Eli is clearly biased here because he was hoping to face Cooper Kupp this weekend instead of Chris Olave.
- Depth isn’t truly depth if you only have it at one position. Having four top 20 RBs and zero healthy top 20 receivers is not depth.
- The bye week issue is moot; We only have one RB position and Bijan Robinson has already had his bye. Holding onto a fourth RB so he can fill in at the FLEX spot two of the next eight weeks doesn’t seem prudent.
- Eli continues to pour gasoline on his Fake News fire by claiming that I made the offer. I was going after Rashee Rice but had to settle for the smaller deal for Olave that Derek offered.
- I dropped Bourne because Mac Jones looked banged up last week and I didn’t want to risk relying on a guy catching balls from Adrian Martinez. Mac is healthy and Pearsall is still out so I went back to the Bourne Supremacy.
- Between Andy’s Great Uncanceling and this attack on The Gentleman who had the cajones to initially call out The Veep’s bigotry, it’s clear what direction this podcast is heading.
- The reverse jinx might work because Carolina’s defense looks to have turned a corner, shutting down Achane and Javonte in the last two weeks, so I think that Breece Hall could bust. I’m also struggling to do the right thing and put George Kittle in over Mason Taylor.

Jordan Love is not a good NFL quarterback but he’s solid in fantasy. He’s also had a bye week and has only 8 fewer points than Bo Nix. Love will be even better when CHRISTIAN WATSON COME BACK!
(Honestly, I’m not sure why I think Watson’s going to make a difference this year. Even when he’s on he’s the exact kind of Boom/Bust guy that I don’t like. But I do think Jayden Reed’s absence will help him out.)

We almost made it through with a family friendly pod but then Andy had to talk about Eli masturbating. I will testify on behalf of any parents who now have to send their kids to therapy.

There is nothing more freeing that the sounds of the outro kicking in. The things I put myself through for my readers.

Like Deebo Samuel, I’m out.

Week 7 Picks

Insert pithy and hilarious opening paragraph here.

THE GAME & UPSET OF THE WEEK

ELI vs KEVIN

GENTLEMAN’S NOTE: Rumors that The Gentleman has lined up sex workers to be sent to the Colts’ hotel to hang out with Pittman and Taylor on Saturday night and Sunday morning are baseless and completely unfounded and we will not be responding to them.
Does The Gentleman truly believe that the Chris Olave trade is going to right the ship and save his squad? The team has seen their Points Scored decrease each week since Week 2; we’ve clearly not replaced James Connor’s leadership ability.
The answer to the question is No. I really don’t believe in this pick in the only game to feature two teams over .500 but I feel like my squad needs a vote of confidence and, you know what, it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility. We also might not be done dealing yet so who knows what this roster could look like by the time Sunday rolls around. What’s more likely to happen is that my team gets itself in striking distance but my decision to play Mason Taylor over George Kittle comes back to bite me in the ass.
Realistically, Mahomes should go off. The only reason that the Raiders are 9th against QBs is that Geno keeps throwing INTs that give the opponents short fields. The best thing going for me is that I think all of Eli’s guys are on teams that could try to run the clock and avoid getting caught up in a shootout. That’ll be good for Jonathon Taylor but lousy for everyone else.
PICK: KEVIN

BERNIE vs DEREK
This game just got more interesting. Derek has an actual starting running back on his active roster! He also has some decent bench options as his three WRs have opportunities to step up this week since their teammates are dinged up and the Patriots should be able to run all over the Titans, making TreVeyon a potential flex option. Derek’s got some great matchups as well and this could easily be the Upset of the Week but I don’t know if I’m willing to put my perfect record when it comes to picking Bernie’s games on the line.
Achane could be a zero against Cleveland’s stout defense and Danny Dimes/Tyler Warren against the Chargers could be an issue. The problem for Derek is that Quinshon Judkins is facing Miami, who - according to StatMuse - are giving up 6.06 yards per carry over the last five weeks. (But only 4 TDs, at least.)
If Rashee Rice was at full speed, I’d have made this the Upset of the Week but rumor is that he could be on a snap count.
PICK: BERNIE

COLIN vs PLAYER #14
GENTLEMAN’S NOTE: There is breaking news about a hate-filled, disgusting Telegram chat room filled with Young Republicans. Many people are blaming the kids but I think we all know who is to blame. We know who is corrupting our youth, first with Casamigos and other fine spirits and now with homophobia and mediocre podcast guest spots. JUSTICE IS NIGH!
The one downside of Colin’s Ja’Marr Chase heist is that the one week he needs Sam Darnold, the Seahawks are up against the tough Texans defense. Adding insult to injury, he’s going against Jayden Daniels who faces the Cowboys, who feature 11 defenders who would all fall for the triple-deke. Colin has some good matchups but, to everyone’s chagrin, Player #14’s are better.
Hopefully, this week is the end of our long national nightmare. CeeDee Lamb is coming back, which means George Pickens’s days as the #1 receiver are over. Chuba Hubbard and Aaron Jones are close to returning and will reportedly be in committees with Rico Dowdle and Jordan Mason, limiting their ceilings a bit. Mike Evans is also coming back, giving The Veep a lot of decisions to overthink. Could Player #14 do the impossible and make TWO trades in one season?! He might want to.
PICK: PLAYER #14

JOHNNY vs BRETT
The Rise of the Sneaker Pimps should continue this week as Johnny has the better squad and mostly the better matchups. Emeka Egbuka’s injury gives Johnny a lot of room for error when it comes to filling out his flex spots. And even his WR spot is dicey as Tet McMillan will face off against Sauce Gardner. Brett, meanwhile, is relying on big games from Isaiah Pacheco and Kenneth Gainwell. So… yeah, I think that pretty much explains the pick.
PICK: JOHNNY

BRENDAN vs MARK
Like the tide that keeps The McBarge afloat, Mark’s team has ebbs and flows. It’s a feast or famine squad and I fear that Mark will be singing “Hunger Strike” for the next couple of weeks. The Week 8 Byepocalypse was already looming but now Puka and Marvin Harrison could miss Week 7 as well. And while McBarge is a MASH unit, Brendan could be getting back his best player. On the McBrightside, Thee Gospel is without James Cook this weekend but Mark is going to need something special out of Jahmyr, Kimani, and Rachaad (which I believe was also the names of The Pharcyde) but I’m going to bet instead on Alvin Kamara making something happen this week.
PICK: BRENDAN

ANDY vs RAHUL
When I first looked at Rahul’s matchups, I thought, “Could Andy actually win two games in a row?!” And then I clicked to see Andy’s roster. And oh how I laughed. And laughed. Thank God he has podcasting to fall back on.
Rahul is at risk because Smith-Njigba and Scattebo have tough games but I feel like Penix, Addison, Nico, and Bill will be able to make up for that. The Jacobs and Maye duo can keep Andy in any game but there’s been so much talk about how bad the Patriots’s rushing attack has been that I have to think that’ll be the focus on Sunday. Ditto Detroit; who will probably want to keep the ball out of Baker Mayfield’s hands and run the clock instead of getting into a shootout. The much maligned Matthew Golden showed signs of life last week and if Christian Watson doesn’t come back, he could be in line for a big game. I have to admit, Andy could have the last laugh on this one but I just can’t bring myself to bet on Tyler Allgeier and a banged up Calvin Ridley.
PICK: RAHUL

THE TOILET BOWL

I’m holding off on the battle of 1 - 5 teams because Dana doesn’t have a lineup set and I like his matchups enough to think that he has a chance.
PICK: TBD