WEEK 11 PICKS

Apologies! I started a new gig this week and almost let having a job interfere with the top priority! Such foolishness! And so many exclamation points!

GAME OF THE WEEK

MARK vs BRETT
Honestly, there aren’t many great matchups this week but this is the game that has the biggest playoff implications. Mark is at 5 - 5 and a win would pull him even with Brett and boost his playoff odds. As for Brett, it’s kind of amazing that his podcast mentions haven’t dropped at all the last few weeks. And his kids aren’t getting corrupted by the worst Bert and Ernie impersonators of all-time. Although, physically, they are kind of two Berts, aren’t they? Emotionally, it’s more like an Oscar the Grouch and Swedish Chef. (BORT BORT BORT!) If Eli wins, the podcast next season should be called Two Berts, One Belt. Anyway, back to our resident booty slap connoisseur (and yes, I had to google how to spell that. Fuckin’ Frenchies), but this is a Must Win game for Brett. He has the toughest schedule to close out the season, facing Rahul, Player #14, and Eli in the final three weeks. Brett’s currently in 9th place when it comes to point total so it’s not looking good for him if he ends up in a tie for the last playoff spot.
ESPN has Brett at only a 42% chance of winning and I feel like that’s about right. The rosters aren’t THAT far off until you get to the FLEX spots and I don’t love the idea of relying on Nick Chubb and Chicago’s backup RB. There’s a world in which things break right for Brett but I’m not willing to go against the odds on this one.
PICK: MARK

UPSET OF THE WEEK

THE GENTLEMAN vs EPSTEIN APOLOGIST
Does Player 14 have nothing but great matchups this week? Sure. Does Watson have him as the second highest projected point getter of the week? Correct. Does Player 14 need a win after the Epstein drop and his boy Trump saying that American workers suck so hard that we need to import labor? Most definitely. But none of that matters! In these dark days, justice is due for a win and what better to lift this country’s spirits than to let my team claim a massive upset victory? What was that? Oh, a reasonable health care policy is a better way? Or stopping the DC grift? Or more affordability? Really?! People, those things are nice but Mack Hollins and Tyler Lockett leading me to victory would do FAR more for the American psyche. Yes, I did kind of undercut my Win One for the Good Guys angle by employing Aaron Rodgers as my QB but that gives MAGA someone to root for. I’M ABOUT BOTH SIDES, BRO! Now, there is a downside that a victory could send Player #14 into a spiral and he’d go full on groyper and lose all sense of what it means to be a caring, reasonable human being but that’s a small price to pay for a pretend football victory.
PICK: DECENCY, AMERICA, THE GENTLEMAN

THE REST OF THE WEEK

RAHUL vs ELI
Rahul has the good fortune to face Eli during the Colts’ bye week but can he overcome Eli’s fantasy defense? The Commish stacked the deck so he has faced the easiest schedule this year. This is a tough game to predict because they have so many guys on the same team. Cleveland’s defense is a tough matchup for Rahul’s Lamar/Zay stack but Eli faces the same issue with Derrick Henry. Woody Marks is playable as a FLEX for Eli because he’s facing Tennessee’s trash defense but Rahul counters that with Nico Collins and Dalton Schultz in the same offense. This one could come down to the kickers but I think I’m going to lean towards Patrick Mahomes and Amon-Ra St. Brown delivering bigger games than Rahul’s Injury/Accident legal team of Jackson & Jaxon.
PICK: ELI

YURK vs COLIN
Another week, another chance for The Champ to take out one of the top teams in the league. Sadly, his attempt to knock off Eli came up short but I think he’ll have better odds this week. AJ Brown was complaining about touches and I always go with my Squeaky WR Gets The Targets theory and think he’ll have a good game. Just in general, I really like Justin’s matchups and think he could pile on the touchdowns. (I can’t bring myself to call them Tuddies. Just feels something that some douchebag try-hard at a bar would say while spilling his nachos on you.) DK Metcalf also has had a rough time of it but faces the fantasy elixir known as the Bengals defense. The concern for Yurk is that this could be a high scoring matchup as Colin’s squad doesn’t exactly face much in the way of defense this week. But to win this week, I think he’s going to need something from his two currently questinoable question marks - Quinton Johnson and Xavier Worthy. I’m feeling confident betting against them.
PICK: YURK

BERNIE vs. JOHNNY
Is it really fantasy football if Bernie isn’t in a heated matchup for third place? ESPN has this as a high scoring matchup but I really don’t like what I’m seeing here. I also don’t really know how to judge this game because Bernie currently doesn’t have a QB because he has to wait for the Giants to rule out Jaxson Dart so he can be IR eligible. And his double-Ds - Drake and Davante - are sagging as both are currently questionable. I hate to put my perfect Bernie record on the line when so many questions abound but I think the strength of his running backs (even though I do like Jaylen Warren against Cincy) are going to be enough for him to come one step closer to bringing his crystal bowl home.
PICK: BERNIE

DANA vs BRENDAN
Oh, how times have changed. What would have been a prime time matchup last year is now a game that would probably be streamed on Tubi. Commercial-free. No sign-up required. Besides Ashton Jeanty against Dallas, I’m not really wild about Dana’s prospects here. Brendan’s Dak and CeeDee gives Thee Gospel the obvious leg up. I do have to give Brendan credit for having so much confidence in his team that he picked up and is holding an injured kicker. Brendan hasn’t scored triple digits in back-to-back weeks all season and he’s posted double-digits the last two weeks, but you just wait until Ka’imi Fairbairn is healthy! I’m sure mentioning this has given Eli something new to obsess about - “OH THAT’S SO BRENDAN! THAT’S HOW HE’S GOING TO COME BACK AND TAKE THE TITLE FROM ME! BULLSHIT!” - and you know what, The Brendandook might not be dead yet!
PICK: BRENDAN

DOH! I FORGOT ANDA AND DEREK!
Ah well, I guess Brendan vs Dana wasn’t the most forgettable matchup of the week. Apologies, gent! I probably was going to take Derek but I won’t count this one. Wooster gets a bump now that RJ Harvey is going to be the lead back in Denver, although watch Sean Payton still give 10 carries to someone else. Sadat X just has better matchups and the Commies and Fins are playing in Madrid so Derek can sleep through the reminder that he traded Ja’Marr Chase for Deebo. NO BUENO! QUE LASTIMA!