Week 9 Picks!

Yet another 5 - 2 week for The Gentleman. Somehow a lot of this week’s game potentially hinge on the blech Thursday Night matchup of Baltimore vs. Miami.

GAME OF THE WEEK

ELI vs MARK
One time Trivia Night partners turned bitter rivals, Eli and Mark battle to see if The Borts can remain undefeated. We’ll see if Eli has the cajones to spew more scathing diatribes about Mr. Bodenrader or if there will once again be silence on the podcast airwaves as Eli is afraid to get out from under his bed for fear of the Brendandook. That being said, it seems like Eli is feeling confident this week as he’s starting former porn star Colston Loveland. Loveland is a Fantasy Podcasts Told Me To Start Him pick if I’ve ever seen one.
Kimani Vidal should keep this one close but I think the matchups favor the skinny Chiklis in this one.
PICK: ELI

BERNIE vs JUSTIN
Watson’s nail biter of the week, Justin clings to his playoff hopes like The VP groping a plush ottoman (The actual Vance, not our local Veep but maybe Player #14 is into fornicating with furniture as well.) The Thursday Night key for this game is De’Von Achane, who needs to keep pace with Christian McCaffrey. But Bernie has a lot of question marks heading into this one - can Drake London play and will he be shadowed by Christian Gonzalez? Will Joe Flacco trade or could Jake Browning be back and lowering Chase Brown’s ceiling? The Titans’ defense sucks but will the Chargers look to get Quentin Johnston involved more (instead of Bernie’s Keenan Allen) after last week’s donut? I think Watson is right that this one could go either way. I’d love to see The Champ keep his hopes alive but I think Bernie might have the matchups he needs to get back over .500.
PICK: BERNIE

DEREK vs COLIN
The Davises duke it out! Colin seeks revenge for Derek not spotting him some money for his 15tb post-draft lap dance at Chicas Bonitas. Derek looks to continue his redemption tour after the still-bewildering Ja’Marr Chase trade. The Joe Flacco injury and potential return of Jayden Daniels throws a twist into this one so there’s a chance Derek could pull off the upset but it would indeed be an upset and I’m going with the safer pick.
PICK: COLIN

RAHUL vs THE GENTLEMAN
Of course, Lamar Jackson comes back when I have to face Rahul! It’s always tough to figure out Drambuie games because Rahul seems to wait until the last minute to fix his lineups but he should be able to take this week either way. The Gentleman is going to need Lamar to be extra rusty despite all of those alleged full practices. If the Lamar/Zay stack don’t deliver on Thursday night, then maybe the Corner Boys will have a shot in this one.
PICK: RAHUL

BRETT vs BRENDAN
FUN FACT: Travis Kelce, in his 183rd game, tied Priest Holmes for the lead for most TDs (non-QB) in Chiefs’ history. The crazy part is that Priest Holmes got his 83 touchdowns in just 65 games.
I really want to pick the upset in this one but I’m not sure I can pull the trigger on it. The Thursday Night lynchpin for this one is Malik Washington. If Malik can go off against the shaky Ravens secondary, Brett has a chance. Arizona’s defense isn’t too shabby and could slow down the Dak/CeeDee stack, KC’s run defense will focus on shutting James Cook, Brian Thomas is banged up. The difference makers for Brendan will be Rashid Shaheed and Alvin Kamara. I don’t think Kamara will do anything on the ground against the Rams but he could be a checkdown target for rookie Tyler Shough. (Do you think when he throws an INT, he says, “Shucks”?) And Shaheed was Tyler’s favorite target when he got into the game last week. As for Brett, he’s still starting Kenneth Gainwell, I assume because Kenny used to play for the Eagles. Kyle Pitts should have a good game; the Patriots defense is strong but they are not good against tight ends. The kickers are facing off and I think I have more faith in Denver being able to move the ball than Houston. Dang. I just can’t do it.
PICK: BRENDAN

DANA vs JOHNNY
If Dana puts in Kareem Hunt, Ashton Jeanty, and David Montgomery, he could have a chance. That being said, those guys could also put up a combined 12 points. If Caleb was ever going to make Dana proud of his trade, it’s this week against a weak Bengals defense, although that squad has to be fired up after their embarrassing performance against the Jets last week. Dana should probably also toy with the idea of picking up Jacoby Brissett to limit Johnny’s options if Kyler Murray can’t go on Monday Night.
I really don’t like Johnny’s options this week and I would rather bet the Under for his team than pick a winner here but, alas, that’s not how this works.
PICK: JOHNNY

PLAYER #14 vs ANDY
Last and most certainly least, we have The Veep vs The Sellout. Even The Veep would be ashamed at how quickly Wooster saw the Ls piling up and decided to throw away his morals to back a winning team. One Shady Motha is the Lindsey Graham of our gridiron Congress - feeble, weak-willed, and reliant on Carolina whites to have any chance of victory. What a waste of Drake Maye’s MVP season.
I’m sure that Eli will give Andy the bad news that this week’s most notable drop candidate by fantasy pundits in none other than Matthew Golden. Honestly, there’s an argument to be made that both teams would have been better had they nixed that trade and just dropped both guys. Especially since the player picked up off of waivers for $0 right after that trade was none other than Rico Dowdle.
Speaking of Dowdle, The Veep benefits from Dave Canales coming to his senses and giving Rico the starting job and most of the carries (reportedly) instead of splitting them. It turns out when Chuba Hubbard gets knocked down, he doesn’t get up again and it’s preferable to keep him down. Juwan Johnson was a nice pickup since the Saints’ rookie will probably lean heavily on the TE position. The Veep should get a schedule win this week; I can’t imagine he’ll be a top scorer but he’ll do enough to beat a guy who couldn’t even muster up a podcast last week.
PICK: PLAYER #14