WEEK 14 REVIEW

The rushed week led to a lousy pick’em finale for The Gentleman.

GAME OF THE WEEK

ELI vs JOHNNY - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: JOHNNY
Only one team got the memo that this was a low scoring affair. Apparently, Eli told his guys to take the week off and rest up for the playoffs. Clearly, Tony Pollard was waiting for this game after all of the crap that Eli gave him last year. I’m not sure if Pollard can keep things going but Harold Fannin Jr. could be a difference maker in the playoffs.

THE BERNIE BOWL BOWLS

Bernie reminded me that the Bernie Bowl is for the playoffs, not third place in the regular season so these games actually meant nothing.

PLAYER #14 vs BRETT - PICK: PLAYER #14 / WINNER: BRETT
After starting 1 - 3, Brett went an impressive 8 - 2 the rest of the way. It was so impressive, in fact, that Eli and Andy knew they would probably have to talk about him on the podcast so they disbanded the chat show instead. Before next season, we’re going to need to figure out why they hate talking about him so much. I think it has something to do with the fact that he makes them feel uncomfortable talking about their dreams of getting pegged by Martians. If Brett promises to listen to the podcast on the way home from dropping the kids off, will the pod come back?

COLIN vs ANDA - PICK: ANDA / WINNER: COLIN
Well, I said that Josh Allen could win this one singlehandedly and he pretty much did. In hindsight, it was a foolish pick on my part. Colin vs. Anda is pretty much the same as the QB matchup - Josh Allen vs. Tyrod Taylor. It was never fair and Tyrod tapped out early. After Wooster never recovered from Best Friend/karaoke, I nominate him to come up with where we eat and what we do for next year’s Friday night festivities.

THE PLAYOFF HUNT

BERNIE vs THE GENTLEMAN - PICK: BERNIE / WINNER: THE GENT
In the end, it all worked out for Bernie and now he can pick up Philip Rivers to take him to the promised land. It’s a good thing that Derek didn’t give in to Bernie’s wishes to trade Rome Odunze so he could name his team Indiana Jones and the Temple of Odunze because between Dimes’s injury and Rome’s general suckage, Bernie’s playoff pulse would be the same as his cinematic namesake.
As for The Gentleman, another year in which user error kept him out of the playoffs. Next year, I’m hoping that I’ll finally stick to my guns and ignore all fantasy pundits. I feel like they should be called nerdiots - they act kind of nerdy about something but they are actually idiots and don’t know what they are talking about. But who am I to call anyone an idiot after my season. (Although Christian Watson has proven me right to have faith in him.) The offseason begins now and we’re going to train hard to save face next year and hopefully get hickeys from a prettier dancer. Or not. Who am I kidding? Definitely not. Hell, does anyone want to go to Play It Again, Sam’s for New Year’s? Let’s do this!

MARK vs DEREK - PICK: MARK / WINNER: MARK
What did Derek do or say to upset Mark so? Mark closed the season by delivering a 101.3 victory over Sadat X. It’s not every Sunday that someone scores fewer points than their margin of defeat. But it’s not everyday that someone trades away Ja’Marr Chase so he can get a slightly less mediocre QB so this is a fitting end to Derek’s last place campaign. Adding insult to injury, Darnold scored almost twice as many points as Herbert in this final week.

JUSTIN vs BRENDAN - PICK: JUSTIN / BRENDAN
Well, Sirvocea Dennis proved to be a complete bust and was not the hero the league deserved but, perhaps more fittingly, the player who saved Bernie’s season was AJ Brown - a man who was so DISTRAUGHT this year that he told fantasy owners to drop him from their teams. The Brendandook is dead. Eli can finally get a good night’s sleep. He did manage to climb out of the Points Scored basement but I hope that this season’s results give Brendan a bit of a reprieve and people start targeting Eli on draft night instead of picking on Thee Gospel.
Yurk held onto 4th place in points by .6 points. As thrilling of a moral victory as there has ever been.

RAHUL vs DANA - PICK: RAHUL / WINNER: RAHUL
Rahul’s clone quickly realized how silly fantasy football is and he tapped out a few weeks ago but that didn’t stop him from sending Dana down for one more loss. Was last season a contract year for Dana? How else do we explain the rise to greatness followed by immediate decline. He went from Peyton Manning to Peyton Hillis in record time.