PLAYOFFS ROUND 1 PICKS

The playoffs are here! I’m not in them but, unlike the newfangled podcasting crowd, I don’t abandon my post! The Gentleman will be here until the final game, giving you sparkling insight!

PLAYER #14 vs MARK

More like Dames and LAMES, AMIRITE?!

With The Brendandook dead and Eli on bye, the villain of the week is none other than Player #14, an alleged man who limps into the playoffs with three straight losses. The last two weeks have been especially gruesome; The McBarge scored more points last week than Veep scored in Weeks 13 & 14 combined! Overall, Player #14’s end of season swoon left him almost 200 points behind Mark. But the playoffs are a new season and none of that matters!
When it comes to this week’s matchup, Player #14’s team is much like our country - led by someone who is completely out of it. The Veep has Jayden Daniels starting at QB and he’s already been declared out after re-injuring his elbow last week. (And Johnny just snuck in and picked up Marcus Mariota.) Beyond that, it’s all good for the bad guy. The Veep is going to take one look at these matchups and tell the contractors to add another floor to this new East Wing Ballroom. Travis Etienne should go off against the Jets - who just gave up 216 yards and three TDs to Miami. George Pickens and Justin Jefferson could be in for big days as their teams face off. The biggest question mark is, Will Jeff pick the best RB for Carolina and Minnesota?
Mark, on the other hand, might be in trouble. Love vs. Denver, Gibbs vs. Rams, Wilson vs. Houston, the Bolt brothers facing KC. The only plus matchup he has is Puka Nacua in a potential shootout vs. the Brian Branch-less Lions. And now Tykee Smith, an unsung star of this squad, is doubtful for Thursday night.
This is Player 14’s game to lose but the questions at QB and the Flex spots definitely make it possible for him to pull a Mendo and make all of the wrong moves. The problem is that my mistakes often come from overthinking, something that is never a concern for The Veep.
PICK: PLAYER #14

JOHNNY vs BRETT

Up in them cakes!

They can’t let Tee Higgins play this week, can they? If he plays, they should just get rid of the entire concussion protocol because dude was clearly out of it after getting lit up last week and he was apparently still suffering from symptoms Monday morning. Brett does have Rashid Shaheed (I can never remember which name has the ee and which has the i), who broke off one of his boom games last week, to fill in but he could easily drop a donut this week. Brett’s going to need the Hurts/Smith stack to pay dividends. Maybe Hurts will throw himself a touchdown this week to make up for his two turnover play last week.
Johnny’s Save Them Dollas for Depth approach has left him with a lot of interesting choices this week, which in the Mendoverse means a lot of ways to make a bad decision. Does he keep Tet McMillan on the bench? Does Mike Evans potentially coming back open things up for Emeka Egbuka, who has been a disaster the last month? Courtland Sutton vs. another revenge game for Diggs? How much do you trust you Tony Pollard and D’Andre Swift? There’s massive boom-bust potential with this team and this matchup could be much like their first game, which Johnny won by a mere 1.2 points.
PICK: JOHNNY

COLIN vs BERNIE

It’s fitting that the team I was the best at predicting and the one that I simply couldn’t figure out all year are playing one another this week. This is also the Watson Game of the Week with the highest projected points.
Colin has the good fortune of having his studs playing in Must Win games. Josh Allen should be able to drop another 20+ game, Saquon, Javonte, and Chase have solid matchups. The only real concern is Trey McBride against the stingy Texans defense. Well, by “only real concern” I mean amongst the studs because the scrubs are always a red flag. Xavier Worthy and Quentin Johnston are just not names I expected to see in the starting lineup of a playoff matchup. And is there really not a better kicking option than former Patriot Chad Ryland? (And no, in the spirit of competition, I won’t be dropping either of my top 10 kickers.)
The crazy thing about this matchup is that Worthy and Johnston aren’t even the worst receiver in the game! What’s Jayden Higgins doing in a starting lineup?! (OK, technically, Worthy (WR53) is worse than Higgins (WR51) but Worthy missed a couple games and is a full point better than Higgins in avg. points per game.)
Bernie’s is a tough one of peg (“Tell me about it,” bemoans Wooster) because De’Von Achane is banged up, Jaxson Dart could get concussed at any moment, and lord knows who is throwing the ball to Tyler Warren. Bernie also finally was able to get his hands on Daiyan Henley and that might not be a good thing for him.
Watson has this as a blow out for Bernie - and he did destroy Colin by 66 points in their regular season meeting - but something makes me think that Colin could pull off the upset. Bernie’s lost three of his last four and has dipped under 100 twice. Colin’s one three out of his last four although, points-wise, his team has slowed down a bit in the second half of the season. Bernie also managed to lose to me twice this year, and according to Player #14, people are saying that that should have been the tiebreaker and it’s kind of bullshit that Bernie got in with the same record just because of points because what a man does when facing down another man in the heat of battle (Calm down, Wooster) says more than some made up “points”. But I digress.
PICK: BERNIE