WEEK 12 PICKS

We’re one week away from the trade deadline! Will we see some trade deadline moves? Does anyone care? Is this thing on?

Before we get started, my current playoff predictions are:
1. The Fighting Borts
2. Vance in Your Pants
3. Ktttssss!!!
4. Essos Son Reebok o Son Nike
5. Uncle Rico’s Ruffnecks
6. The McBarge
7. Double Dam-Ba-Ba-Bouie

GAME OF THE WEEK

ELI vs COLIN
There’s a bigger game this week but I wanted to call special attention to this matchup because a spotlight needs to be shone on the BLATANT COMMISH COLLUSION! How convenient that The Commish has Ja’Marr Chase suspended when he just so happens to be playing Colin! The Skinny Chiklis is leaving nothing to chance this season! The Veep approves these dirty tricks. Keep this up and there’s a job at the DOJ waiting for you after the season!
Anyway, The Borts have some great matchups. Colin also has some nice matchups but, with no Ja’Marr, I keep going back to my original dislike of this roster. Xavier Worthy and Darnell Mooney at the WR spots makes me feel better about my options at that spot (even if former Bort Mooney is primed for a big revenge game now that Drake London is banged up, and Kyle Pitts is…well… Kyle Pitts.) This should be a high scoring affair but ultimately, I think Houston can slow down Josh Allen enough to keep him from another blow up game.
PICK: ELI

UPSET OF THE WEEK

BERNIE vs ANDA
Reminder: Dana and Andy - two men separated by one letter - bet that the loser of their matchup would change the differing letter for the rest of the season and offseason. So now Andy is officially Anda until next draft.

Anda Wooster did not suffer through watching his so-called friends sing too many karaoke songs after spending too much money for food he thinks he didn’t like but who knows if any of us really cared for it because we’re all so old that we can’t really taste anything when the music is that loud. At this age, you overwhelm one sense and the rest of them go kaput. Where was I? Oh yeah, Anda Wooster did not suffer through nearly taking his former common law partner’s leg off in a Cole Trickle-esque disregard for safety just so he could sit around and NOT do a podcast about his team’s lackluster performances.

But look, the fantasy gods have smiled* upon Slim Shady! De’Von Achane is on a bye and Drake London is hurt (not that he does well with Kirk Cousins anyhow) and Bernie turned down an amazing trade offer that would have filled his FLEX spot this week (and possibly upgraded his TE position) so One Shady Motha has a fighting chance.
*I’m sure people will say, Really? After Josh Jacobs got hurt? I wrote “smiled” not “slobbed his knob.” Andy’s gotta take all of the good news he can get here.

Of course, then I look at Anda’s team and… well, he has Drake Maye! Against the Bengals! With a healthy Kayshon Boutte! And Jameson Williams is on fire since Dan Campbell took over the offensive playcalling! And, um, well, honestly the next best thing about this team is Wooster’s flowing locks

But you know what, fuck it, Bernie’s team has some real weak spots and bad matchups. I lost the Snake Streak last week so let’s get crazy.
PICK: ANDA

SIDE NOTE: Since The Dandyelions can’t be bothered anymore, let’s me pass along some new alien news. LIFE ON MARS!
”Now a team of scientists, led by Shenzhen University in China, have found eight caves on Mars with an accumulation of evidence that water may have carved them into existence. And where there was water, they say, there could be signs life — either ancient, or just possibly contemporary.”

THE REAL GAME OF THE WEEK

RAHUL vs. BRETT
Now THIS is the game that has the biggest playoff implications. With Brett facing Eli and Player #14 in the final two weeks, this is as close to a must win as there is. If he can knock Rahul down a peg (No, not that kind of peg, Wooster. Put your pants back on.), then the Clone Warriors won’t be able to catch up to him. A win by Brett and losses by the four 5 - 6 teams (which is possible due to this week’s schedule) and Brett would be locked in to the playoffs.
As for Rahul and the rest of the 5 - 6 Mafia, points are now almost as important as wins. Rahul is 9th in points, nowhere close to McBarge and only 12 points ahead of The Gentleman so he can’t rely on keeping pace; he needs to get ahead of the pack.
Going through these rosters, this matchup is a real roller-coaster. As always, Lamar Jackson is the key and he popped up on the injury report with an ankle issue. Meanwhile, Jalen Hurts gets Dallas, who is getting healthier and got better at the trade deadline, but I still think they’re a bad unit. The Hurts/Smith stack should outduel the Jackson/Flowers stack. Running back is also in Brett’s favor, even with Rahul nabbing Emanuel Wilson, who I obviously held onto right up until the week when Josh Jacobs gets injured.
At the WR spot, the game shifts to Rahul with JSN and Nico Collins. Devonta Does Dallas is fun and Tee Higgins should get more targets with Ja’Marr Chase out but he also should see more of Christian Gonzalez, which is never a good thing.
Travis Kelce moves the needle towards Brett but then the flex spots come up and… ooff. The matchups aren’t great for Jordan Addison and Zay Flowers but when they are facing Tre Tucker and Kyle Pitts, do matchups matter?
Side note: Yes, this was the most Brett’s team has been discussed all season. Even by Brett himself, probably.
PICK: RAHUL

THE REST OF THE WEEK

THE VEEP vs MARK
Much like Rahul vs. Brett, this is a matchup that may hinge on the FLEX spots. Mark has the better matchups and maybe Puka and Jahmyr can will him to victory but Josh Downs and Rachaad White against the Chiefs and Rams is tough to support. Still, Player 14’s matchups are ugly and lord knows that The Veep is probably too busy redacting Epstein files or wiping Saudi Prime Minister MBS’s pearl oil off of his chin to care about if “things happen” to his team this week.
*It’s pretty wild that Phil Mickelson got cancelled for saying something far less insane than what Trump said.
PICK: MARK

JUSTIN vs JOHNNY
Jordyn Brooks is on bye this week, which could be a bigger than expected blow to Johnny. I do also want to point out that Myles Garrett had 5 sacks one week and 4 sacks another week and both weeks, Brooks won Defensive Player of the Week. That’s one of the cool factoids that you realize isn’t really that cool once you finish typing it but, instead of deleting it, I’m going to let this be a learning moment for everyone.
Anyway, Johnny’s other issue is that his team is banged up, under the weather, and none of them have a plus matchups. Yurk, on the other hand, is sitting pretty and, if things go right, could move up to 4th place in points this week. Yes, for Justin, this part of the season is all about moral victories.
PICK: JUSTIN

THE GENTLEMAN vs DANA
After two User Error losses, The Gentleman is primed to watch his season go down in flames at the hands of guys he traded. This week, Caleb Williams and Jerry Jeudy have plus matchups, and next week, I face Kenneth Walker, who the Seahawks’ head coach has finally discovered is pretty awesome when you let him have the football. My Eeyoring aside, Dana’s squad still has a lot of tough matchups and as of Wednesday night, he has no kicker, no third IDP, and his second WR is on bye. As for The Gentleman, he’s always looking to shake his roster up but so far he has found no takers. At this point, he’s just happy if people actually have the decency to reject his trade rather than just letting them sit there ignored and unloved like the chubby dancer at a strip club*. I’d like to say that I’m sleeping easy this week but my team can, at any moment, not score any touchdowns so there’s no such thing as a sure thing in the corner.
*Before I walk in, obviously.
PICK: THE GENTLEMAN

DEREK VS. BRENDAN
Saving the best for last and by best I mean two guys I doubt have ever looked at this blog even once, we have this matchup. First, let me just say, when the two guys you got back for Ja’Marr Chase are on bye and you can easily replace both of them. it’s probably not a good sign. Obligatory Ja’Marr trade comment aside, there’s a lot to like for Derek this week as there’s a lot of green on his roster page but… I don’t know. Jacoby Brissett is bound to turn back into a pumpkin soon. Rhamondre Stevenson could eat into TreVeyon Henderson’s points. Rome Odunze is inexplicably hit-or-miss this season despite clearly being the #1 option in that offense. Tyjae Spears is a question mark. But I do love Kenneth Walker now that the coach has realized that he’s significantly better than Zach Charbonnet.
On the flipside, I’m not buying the bad matchup for Dak and CeeDee; I think they should get their points against the Eagles’ secondary. It’ll be interesting to see if Atlanta tries to get Raheem Morris fired this week. They should be able to shutdown Alvin Kamara and the Saints but they’ve also just not shown up for games this year. I do think James Cook might have the worst end of season/playoff schedule of any top running back. At this point, it’s now 12:17 and I’m just typing words as I wait for insomnia to cut me some slack (And yes, I’m old. Being up at 12:17 on a work night counts as insomnia. If there’s no Chicas on the horizon, why stay up past midnight?) so I’m just going to wrap this up and make a pick.
PICK: DEREK