Week 8 Picks

Headline of the Day - “Mogul Barry Diller had been looking for an "AI proof" investment in MGM Resorts but had dropped the takeover bid.”

Obviously, Diller knows a ton more than me but do we really think casinos are AI proof? When half of the world is out of a job because AI has eliminated most of the work force, are casinos really going to be printing money? I feel like Vegas has already experienced a slow down and the bubble hasn’t even burst yet.

Anyway, onto the picks!

GAME OF THE WEEK

DEREK vs. ANDY
Wait, now Dameon Pierce is on the IR?! What kind of substation did they build near the Eagles’ practice facility? The only thing crazier than the Iggles injury issues is the fact that Derek is rostering three Cardinals running backs. Tony Pollard had as many rushing TDs last week as Arizona has all season and one of those came from Jacoby Brissett.
Watson has this as the closest matchup of the week. I’d like to hold off on this one because there are so many questionables - Andy is going to have to make some tough choices if Parkinson and Moore can’t play - but Derek has some key players slated to go tonight so I’m gonna make a pick. Trevor and Bucky have great matchups but I think Bryce, Watson, and Chase are going to carry Derek to the victory.
PICK: DEREK

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

BRETT vs. GRANT
Watson has this as the lowest scoring game of the week. And I hate to pick against my guy Kirk Cousins but - get ready for the theme of this week’s picks - the matchups simply favor Grant’s team. Befitting a dude of a game, this is a dud of a blurb.
PICK: GRANT

ELI vs. COLIN
Another week, another unfilled roster for The Commish. But he’s lacking a kicker this week so maybe he’s just setting the roster AS IT SHOULD BE IF YOU LOW T BOZOS STOPPED LETTING SOFT ASS KICKERS IN THE LEAGUE!

Woah, apologies, Kevin’s alt-right alter-ego Colby Jack took hold of the reins for a second there. OK, The Gentleman is back.

Where were we? Eli set the record for roster moves in a week and still somehow doesn’t have a starting kicker. He’s still clinging to the hopes that a trade away from Jacksonville will unlock Brian Thomas Jr., who will remember how he was actually a competent wide receiver in his rookie season. And let’s be honest, has anyone left the city of Jacksonville and seen their life get worse?
The only other mystery in this game besides Who will Eli drop to get a kicker? is Who is Colin trying to get off of waivers? His roster is still a man short - is he going after Will Anderson? Kendre Miller? Wan’Dale Robinson? Inquiring minds don’t really care but we’re trying to fill space here OK. Content is king! Quality be damned.
PICK: COLIN

NATE vs. PLAYER #14
Player #14’s team is just too strong. I know I predicted Garrett Wilson’s breakout last week but I jumped the gun because he didn’t make a public stink about it until this week and star wide receivers historically get a ton of targets after they bitch and moan out loud.
Nate might have had a chance this week if the Gigantes weren’t on bye. Even without them, I think this could be the highest scoring matchup of the week, especially if Charbs get a healthy amount of carries (which I don’t think he will) but Pete Hegseth’s handmaiden simply has too much firepower for Mr. Cocoa No Go.
PICK: PLAYER #14

NICO vs. DANA
The reeling Babytown squad is gifted a get right game as Dana’s name appears on the schedule. Dana did get possibly the pickup of the year in Ollie Gordon but he is once again without a full lineup as Ka’imi Fairbairn is on bye. I’d probably dump Darren Waller and hold onto Ka’imi but I’m only a game better than Dana so what the hell do I know? Actually, y’know what I know? That Nico’s team is better and that’s all that really matters.
PICK: NICO

ERIC vs. BRENDAN
I’m a little surprised that Brendan is punishing Josh Downs for demanding a trade from the Colts but it’s hard to fault Thee Gospel’s moves this year as he’s back where they belongs - in first place and feeding Eli’s nightmares. I can just see Eli falling asleep on the couch clinging to his Hall of Fame jacket like a security blanket as his family just stares at him, wondering what happened to the champion they once knew. Neither team has good matchups this week but Caleb vs. the Seahawks could be the difference maker. Can Ben Johnson figure out the Seahawks defense? My guess is no. And y’know what else I know? That Brendan has the better team and that’s all that matters!
PICK: THEE GOSPEL

JOHNNY vs. RAHUL
While I’m proud of Rahul for keeping his Truth to Power name, I’m a little nervous about Johnny keeping his punishment moniker. Has he gone full Player #14? Probably not or he’d have changed this name to Proud Cheesecake Factory Customer.
My instinct was to call this the upset of the week but then I looked at the matchups and they strongly favor Johnny to fulfill Watson’s prophecy of a big win Johnny Bracelets. I’d still throw some money on Rahul to cover the spread (if Brown and Barkley are playing) but straight-up, I’m going to go with the matchups.
PICK: THE PROUD JAN 6ERS

MENDO vs. YURK
It’s been a rough year for The Gentleman, who is currently on the outside of the playoffs, but I think the corner boys get the victory this week as they have… you guessed it, better matchups than Yurk’s squad.
PICK: WHATEVER MY DUMB TEAM NAME THAT I CAN’T SHAKE IS

BERNIE vs. MARK
Bernie keeps defying The Gentleman’s picks and has moved up the standings but I fear this season could be much like Bernie’s Snakes and Ladders game - things look great and then everything falls apart. The Double Drake strategy has been great the last few weeks - Can Cooper Rush win the first ever Least Valuable Player award? - and I think there’s a very real chance that Bernie is once again the top point scorer of the week.
And then there’s Mark. Jalen Coker has been THE boom or bust player of the season. The only boom from Ladd McConkey is his body crumbling but it sounds like he is almost back and he’s pretty much the only good thing that the Chargers’ offense has right now. I really blew it by dropping Jamien Sherwood. Currently, I think Mark’s bench could feature three of his better players this week but ultimately, I don’t think it matters who starts for him.
PICK: BERNIE AND THE SNAKES