Week 7 Picks

Insert pithy and hilarious opening paragraph here.

THE GAME & UPSET OF THE WEEK

ELI vs KEVIN

GENTLEMAN’S NOTE: Rumors that The Gentleman has lined up sex workers to be sent to the Colts’ hotel to hang out with Pittman and Taylor on Saturday night and Sunday morning are baseless and completely unfounded and we will not be responding to them.
Does The Gentleman truly believe that the Chris Olave trade is going to right the ship and save his squad? The team has seen their Points Scored decrease each week since Week 2; we’ve clearly not replaced James Connor’s leadership ability.
The answer to the question is No. I really don’t believe in this pick in the only game to feature two teams over .500 but I feel like my squad needs a vote of confidence and, you know what, it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility. We also might not be done dealing yet so who knows what this roster could look like by the time Sunday rolls around. What’s more likely to happen is that my team gets itself in striking distance but my decision to play Mason Taylor over George Kittle comes back to bite me in the ass.
Realistically, Mahomes should go off. The only reason that the Raiders are 9th against QBs is that Geno keeps throwing INTs that give the opponents short fields. The best thing going for me is that I think all of Eli’s guys are on teams that could try to run the clock and avoid getting caught up in a shootout. That’ll be good for Jonathon Taylor but lousy for everyone else.
PICK: KEVIN

BERNIE vs DEREK
This game just got more interesting. Derek has an actual starting running back on his active roster! He also has some decent bench options as his three WRs have opportunities to step up this week since their teammates are dinged up and the Patriots should be able to run all over the Titans, making TreVeyon a potential flex option. Derek’s got some great matchups as well and this could easily be the Upset of the Week but I don’t know if I’m willing to put my perfect record when it comes to picking Bernie’s games on the line.
Achane could be a zero against Cleveland’s stout defense and Danny Dimes/Tyler Warren against the Chargers could be an issue. The problem for Derek is that Quinshon Judkins is facing Miami, who - according to StatMuse - are giving up 6.06 yards per carry over the last five weeks. (But only 4 TDs, at least.)
If Rashee Rice was at full speed, I’d have made this the Upset of the Week but rumor is that he could be on a snap count.
PICK: BERNIE

COLIN vs PLAYER #14
GENTLEMAN’S NOTE: There is breaking news about a hate-filled, disgusting Telegram chat room filled with Young Republicans. Many people are blaming the kids but I think we all know who is to blame. We know who is corrupting our youth, first with Casamigos and other fine spirits and now with homophobia and mediocre podcast guest spots. JUSTICE IS NIGH!
The one downside of Colin’s Ja’Marr Chase heist is that the one week he needs Sam Darnold, the Seahawks are up against the tough Texans defense. Adding insult to injury, he’s going against Jayden Daniels who faces the Cowboys, who feature 11 defenders who would all fall for the triple-deke. Colin has some good matchups but, to everyone’s chagrin, Player #14’s are better.
Hopefully, this week is the end of our long national nightmare. CeeDee Lamb is coming back, which means George Pickens’s days as the #1 receiver are over. Chuba Hubbard and Aaron Jones are close to returning and will reportedly be in committees with Rico Dowdle and Jordan Mason, limiting their ceilings a bit. Mike Evans is also coming back, giving The Veep a lot of decisions to overthink. Could Player #14 do the impossible and make TWO trades in one season?! He might want to.
PICK: PLAYER #14

JOHNNY vs BRETT
The Rise of the Sneaker Pimps should continue this week as Johnny has the better squad and mostly the better matchups. Emeka Egbuka’s injury gives Johnny a lot of room for error when it comes to filling out his flex spots. And even his WR spot is dicey as Tet McMillan will face off against Sauce Gardner. Brett, meanwhile, is relying on big games from Isaiah Pacheco and Kenneth Gainwell. So… yeah, I think that pretty much explains the pick.
PICK: JOHNNY

BRENDAN vs MARK
Like the tide that keeps The McBarge afloat, Mark’s team has ebbs and flows. It’s a feast or famine squad and I fear that Mark will be singing “Hunger Strike” for the next couple of weeks. The Week 8 Byepocalypse was already looming but now Puka and Marvin Harrison could miss Week 7 as well. And while McBarge is a MASH unit, Brendan could be getting back his best player. On the McBrightside, Thee Gospel is without James Cook this weekend but Mark is going to need something special out of Jahmyr, Kimani, and Rachaad (which I believe was also the names of The Pharcyde) but I’m going to bet instead on Alvin Kamara making something happen this week.
PICK: BRENDAN

ANDY vs RAHUL
When I first looked at Rahul’s matchups, I thought, “Could Andy actually win two games in a row?!” And then I clicked to see Andy’s roster. And oh how I laughed. And laughed. Thank God he has podcasting to fall back on.
Rahul is at risk because Smith-Njigba and Scattebo have tough games but I feel like Penix, Addison, Nico, and Bill will be able to make up for that. The Jacobs and Maye duo can keep Andy in any game but there’s been so much talk about how bad the Patriots’s rushing attack has been that I have to think that’ll be the focus on Sunday. Ditto Detroit; who will probably want to keep the ball out of Baker Mayfield’s hands and run the clock instead of getting into a shootout. The much maligned Matthew Golden showed signs of life last week and if Christian Watson doesn’t come back, he could be in line for a big game. I have to admit, Andy could have the last laugh on this one but I just can’t bring myself to bet on Tyler Allgeier and a banged up Calvin Ridley.
PICK: RAHUL

THE TOILET BOWL

I’m holding off on the battle of 1 - 5 teams because Dana doesn’t have a lineup set and I like his matchups enough to think that he has a chance.
PICK: TBD