Week 4 Predictions

The big news in the NFL - well, before this morning’s Joey Porter Jr. trade - was the Giants trading for J.J. McCarthy and I have to say, I’ve never seen so many writers lose their minds over a third string QB being traded for a 5th round pick. Writers are going off about this being a terrible deal for the Giants. One writer at The Athletic referred to it as a “blockbuster trade”. Maybe J.J. sucks but it was a 5th round pick and they needed a backup for Jameis and why not take a gamble since they aren’t winning anything this year anyway. The last trade like this that I can remember was Josh Rosen being traded by the Cardinals and they got a 2nd and 5th for him. It’s sad how much nonsense is out there. We’re truly stuck in the Stephen A. Smith Era of Sports Reporting.

Anyway, on to the picks.

GAME OF THE WEEK

COLIN vs GRANT
This is the least interesting Game of the Week so far this season but there are only three games between teams that are over .500 and this seems to be the closest. Both teams are looking to bounce back from taking their first Ls of the season and I think both teams are going to bring it. I’m a little surprised that ESPN has the score so low. If Christian Gonzalez is out for the Patriots, Josh Allen could go off (and Khalil Shakir might be able to repay Colin for his loyalty) while Goff should be in a shootout with the surprisingly crappy Panthers defense. Adding to the intrigue is that Goff cancels out Amon-Ra’s TDs for Colin while Allen cancels out any Kincaid TDs Grant might get. Both kickers could put up an annoying amount of points.
I am VERY close to picking Grant in this one but I can’t shake the feeling that the Patriots aren’t going to be able to keep Josh Allen off of the field.
PICK: COLIN

UPSET OF THE WEEK

DEREK vs RAHUL
Did we ever get a ruling on what kind of win is needed for someone to get to change their name back? Cue the Rock - “IT DOESN’T MATTER!” I think Rahul is going to muster up a double-dub this week as most of his guys have good matchups, save for Saquon against the Rans. But Derek’s big money guy Ja’Marr Chase also is facing a tough defense so that evens things out. If Bryce can go off against the woeful Lions defense, Derek could prove me wrong and maybe Malik Washington grabs some garbage time points but I can’t shake the feeling that Rahul is going to have a chance to bury the truth next week and change his name to something probably injury or bad luck related.
PICK: RAHUL

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

THE GENTLEMAN vs. ERIC
Two terrible teams face off. If this was the mid-90’s, Don Criqui and Beasley Reece would 100% be the announcers for this crapfest. The Gentleman is embarrassed to be associated with this game and has asked me to keep this write-up short so I’ll just say that I’m going to to with a conditional pick on this one. If J Jetta plays, I think I can squeak out a win. If JJ is out, then I think Eric could take it.
PICK: TBD

THE THORN IN ELI’S SIDE BOWL

NATE vs. ANDY
The perpetrators of the most side conversations during a single fantasy football draft now have to face off against one another. And, bad news for Andy, the Patriots’ offensive line is banged up so the immortal and unstoppable Greg Rousseau could have a big day.
I’d also like to apologize to Nate for making fun of his bid on Zach Ertz. I forgot that his current TE is Kyle Pitts so that bid was clearly the act of an emotional abuse victim.
Since nobody in this game is playing on Thursday, I’m gong to wait until Sunday morning to make a pick because there are a lot of questions surrounding the Wooster’s squad. Who is starting for the Bears (because Case Keenum seemed to have a connection with Luther Burden)? Is Bucky Irving healthy? Is Christian Gonzalez playing and potentially matching up with DJ Moore? Right now, I’m leaning towards an upset but I want to have a clearer picture on this one.
PICK: TBD

THE REST

PLAYER #14 vs BRETT
Not even Eric Schmitt’s Hawks gaffe (also, who spells Schmidt like that?) can derail the Epstein Enabler Express. K-Kel’s Hurts/Smith stack faces the Rams while I think JK Dillion won’t amount to much against SF. I think The Veep’s WRs should carry him to a victory but it will be interesting to see how D’Andre Swift does against the Jets’ defense. Is NY the stout run defense that shut down the Titans and Packers or are they the sieve that Jahmyr Gibbs ran all over? K-Kel does have a shot at a Point Victory but I think it’ll be close.
PICK: PLAYER #14

ELI vs NICO
The Once and Future Kings face off in this one that looks more lopsided than it probably will end up being because Eli currently doesn’t have a full roster. He was so hot to get another Charger on this roster that he dumped his third IDP for Keaton Mitchell. Does he cut bait on Antonio Williams (who he spent good money on last week, I believe)? Does he finally admit that Brian Thomas Jr. was a terrible pick? He couldn’t possibly cut the man who is guaranteed to torment him all season, Quinton Johnston. Let go of a share of that vaunted Chargers offense?! I can’t see it.
I think Watson is being a little too optimistic about Nico’s output this week but he seems like a lock for yet another double dub in what could be a wire-to-wire championship season.
PICK: NICO

BERNIE/BERNARD vs JOHN
I just noticed that Bernie’s team is managed by Bernie and Bernard Kim. I feel like whenever he is distraught, we should start calling him Bernard and talking about how much we miss Bernie. Johnny’s team has a lot of bad matchups so I don’t think this one will be particularly close but nothing makes Bernie go Bernard like Drake Maye. The 34th ranked QB should be able to put something together against the Bills but, I don’t know, he’s been Will Levis bad in terms of decision making so far this year. This is by no means a sure thing for our lil’ Kim but I think he’ll pull it off.
PICK: BERNIE

MARK vs BRENDAN
Mark has three questionable wide receivers but at least it’s not a pressing issue because I don’t think any of them could do enough to take down Brendan anyway. Thee Gospel’s big three are too tough and Downs/Warren get Washington’s leaky defense. Kendre Miller is an interesting start although I assume Rachaad White takes over the Flex spot once he loses the big red Q. And it took me a week but the second renaming makes me think, was The Shockmasters a play on Tyler Shough’s name? I still don’t get it but at least we’ve found the motive behind that crime of a team name.
PICK: BRENDAN

YURK vs. DANA
I ask again, Will ESPN ever fix the box scores so every game isn’t a 10.5 spread? This game has dud of the week potential but it is VERY difficult to outdoodoo me and Eric’s matchup. If Lamar is healthy, he should light up Tennessee to lead Yurk to victory. I don’t really like the matchups in this one and, since Yurk can only be in close matchups this week, I think the odds are better that he plays down to the 0 - 6 competition than it is that Dana has a bigger week than expected.
PICK: YURK

TOP 9: Rahul, Nico, Player #14, Bernie, Brendan, Colin, Grant, Nate, TBD - Derek/Andy