Week 3 Picks

Before we get to picks, can we talk about how stupid the ESPN “Achievements” are? I saw on the app that I got a new award so I clicked and was present with the “Steamrolled” badge for getting blown out. Why the hell would I want that? At least the pod acknowledges that their negative “superlatives” need a new name. Anyway, let’s get to the picks.

Actually, wait, is it just my computer or do all of the website’s box scores have the spread at 8.7? Do better, ESPN.

OK, now onto the picks.

GAME OF THE WEEK

BRENDAN vs COLIN
What a matchup! Mr. September vs. The League Villain according to the actual League Villain. To be fair, Colin is good in October and November as well but I didn’t feel like calling him The Fall Guy and then having to explain it. This is a great matchup with intriguing players on either side. The Indy/Houston game looks to be the key for this one. Is Josh Downs ready to be the man in Indy? Can Tyler Warren make it three straight games with a TD? Can Dalton Schultz earn his big waiver wire bid? Outside of that game, Bijan Robinson should probably be able to make some noise for three quarters since it seems like the Packers answer to their inability to hold 4th quarter leads is to avoid having the lead going into the 4th and then doing their damndest to mount a comeback. This one is going to be fun to follow and I think both teams will end up being in the top 9 but it’s going to be THEE GOSPEL walking away with the double dub.

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

ERIC vs MARK
This game could determine who will run the draft next year! And, well, it’s not looking good for Eric. You don’t often see a team with a team with a -48.1 line on Wednesday night but you also don’t often see someone lose their QB and then not pick anyone up or even make a waiver wire bid on a QB. Although I guess Eric’s hands are kind of tied by the rules because - as is increasingly becoming an annoying trend - the Bears haven’t ruled Caleb out yet so Eric can’t put him on the IR which, technically, means he can’t pick up a second QB yet. I feel like Doubtful players should be IR eligible.***All of that being said, Eric is also starting Nick Cross, who actually has been listed out so maybe he just hasn’t looked at his roster this week.
The saddest part is that Mark’s team is a massive favorite and I still kind of don’t know if he’s going to pull it off. I don’t think he has a single good matchup but, then again, neither does Eric. I’m going to make this a true dud of the week by not making a pick because of the major question mark at the top of Eric’s roster.

*** Supporter of the Written Word Bernie Kim informed me that the rule is that if a team’s QB has an injury designation then a second QB can be added so Eric can pick up a QB. I double-checked the e-mail and The Commish said, “If your QB is going on a bye or if they are Questionable or worse at the time waivers open each week, you will be allowed to pick up a 2nd QB for that week only.”

UPSET OF THE WEEK

BRETT vs. MENDO
Now that I think about it, Upset of the Week should be sponsored by Battista’s because upset is how everybody’s stomach feels after eating here. Hey now! I’ll be here all week. Tip your waitress.
I’m not sure why Watson has me as the favorite since I think Brett’s main guys have better matchups than my guys do. Yes, David Montgomery faces Indy, currently ranked last against RBs but the Colts also played their first two games against Derrick Henry and Kenneth Walker so that ranking could be skewed. I’m not saying that I don’t have a chance but I’d put my money on the Hurts/Smith stack coming through again and leading K-Kel Inc. to a thrilling Monday Night comeback.

THE REST

RAHUL vs. JEFF
I actually feel bad for Rahul. This is some of the worst injury luck I’ve ever seen. The one injury that kind of helped him - Jordan Mason landing on the IR - is now moot since Aaron Jones is now gimpy. At least Andy was kind enough to drop Minny’s potential starting RB in Week 3 so Rahul can nab him.
I’m surprised Player #14 held onto Mack Hollins but why switch things up when there’s a good chance that you could be heading to your third straight blowout win? I do wonder how D’Andre Swift does without Caleb Williams (and potentially without backup Bagent either) but I think Vanceinyourpants is one of the safest bets of the week.

ELI vs DEREK
Eli knows how to build suspense! He currently has RJ Harvey in his flex spot but if RJ can’t go, Who will get the nod? Or more importantly, who won’t get the nod and will thusly be freed from the Dolleman Hex and able to score some fantasy points this week. Looking at the matchups, this definitely has dud on the week potential but I actually think of the inaugural member of the.Hall of Shamelessness could take home the win. Burrow neutralizes Chase. Tucker Kraft could benefit from Jayden Reed’s injury. Pickens is due. And Christian Watson is really the only guy on Derek’s team who I completely trust this week, especially after Eli gave him so much bulletin board material over the past two years. When I first saw the matchup, I didn’t think I’d type this but I’m taking The Fighting Borts in this one.

NICO vs BERNIE
Watson picks this as the high scoring matchup of the week and I can’t agree. Picking against Bernie didn’t work out for me last week but I look at these matchups and I just don’t see it happening. The Jacksonville/New England game should be tough for Bernie to watch as I don’t see Drake or Tuten amounting to much. The Raiders have been surprisingly good against the pass this year while the Niners will probably focus on slowing down Trey McBride (and they are the #1 defense against TEs.) Nico doesn’t have great matchups either but I think Purdy vs. Arizona and Jahmyr Gibbs vs. the Jets should be enough to give Babytown Frolics the double-dub. The only satisfaction Bernie will find this week is on Amazon Prime. Might I recommend…

Just tell your lady that it’s classy; it uses “whilst” in the thumbnail synopsis! Also, who can look at that and not want to find out what the hell a Pony Girl is?

JOHNNY vs. YURK
For a second, I made this the Game of the Week, but at second glance, I decided that I didn’t really like Johnny’s matchups that much. Especially with Jadarian Price banged up and Justin Herbert being Justin Herbert. But the real headline of the game is Yurk losing faith in Jameson Williams and benching him in favor of Rashid Shaheed. It’s not just shocking because of Yurk’s love for Jameson and loyalty to his ‘Bama guys but also because Shaheed is one of the few starting WRs who has managed to score fewer points than Jamo this year. I mean, you spent $22 dollars on Chris Brooks, why not give him a shot? This game has too many big names to be a dud of the week but I’m still betting the UNDER on it. Lamb and Davante could make me regret this pick (especially if Puka is out again) but I’m going to go with Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit to win this one.

NATE vs DANA
The guy who wouldn’t stop having side conversations vs the guy who wouldn’t stop drafting guys who were sidelined for the season. Is Kyler vs. Baker the worst possible matchup of rostered QBs? I think Kyler wins the battle, not because he’s better but because I have more faith in Minnesota’s defense. That being said, I think Jeanty might be the lead scorer of this game and two of Nate’s receivers are dealing with backup QBs and the third guy has Bryce Young, who I still don’t trust. Could Greg Rousseau break Dana’s heart? I don’t think so. We’re going Caviar Fake Ti#**s OTPBJ in this one.

ANDY vs GRANT
I was wondering who the hell Eli Heidenreich and how in the world Andy would have the inside scoop on, well, any NFL player but then I saw this story and I realized that Andy is probably coyly confessing to be the culprit. But I feel like I might be #TeamScammer on this one. Who is giving money to NFL players, a group that is famously bad with money and whose minimum rookie contract is over $800k. Sometimes people who get scammed just need to chalk it up as an expensive learning moment and admit that they should have known better. And I saw this as someone who has fallen for a few scams in his day.
As for the game itself, there are a couple of big red Qs next to DJ Moore and Jonah Coleman’s names. Grant has Khalif Raymond waiting in the wings and I guess Andy would go with newly acquired Isaiah Williams.
Unlike last week, I’m going to try to come back to these non-picks on Sunday morning and make a final selection but for now, the questionables are making me hold out on this one for now.

I’ll also make my Top 9 picks on Sunday morning due to laziness on my part.