Week 2 Results

A brutal week with a lot of low scores and way too many injuries. We went from one of the highest scoring weeks in NFL history to a week in which the last Points Victory went to a team that didn’t even break triple digits.

The only good thing about this week is that I went 6 - 1 on my picks. And 7 - 2 on my roto Top 9 picks.

Finally, am I the only person who thought 50 point losses were a rare occurrence? I couldn’t believe that there were three last week but then this week, we have four teams who are going to have a new moniker. Well, three with a new name and one with a different new name.

GAME OF THE WEEK

NICO vs YURK - PICK: YURK / WINNER: YURK
I was 100% right about this one being the game of the week as it came down to Monday Night Football (and could change if there’s a points correction). I was wrong about the kickers being the difference as Jake Bates was able to outpoint Tyler Bass but, in the end, Yurk’s underwhelming WRs delivered JUST enough to take the victory. Or we could give the win to Nakobe Dean, who had another big day for the surprising Raiders. Maybe now the podcast will put some respect on his name!
The close win helps Yurk escape the week with some pride intact but the blog - and I’m sure the pod - aren’t about to forget that Chris Brooks bid. It actually looked like the move was going to pay off as Marshawn Lloyd was benched after fumbling but Brooks took the opportunity and four carries later, Kaleb Johnson took over and was the starting RB in overtime. Early word is that Yurk is going to show restraint and only bid 19 dollars for Johnson this week.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

MARK vs. BRETT - PICK: BRETT / WINNER: BRETT
Watson’s code should get a complete overhaul for picking Mark in this one. Despite the loss, Mark is kind of a winner this week because his team’s name no longer has to be a John Mayer pun as Brett now gets the right to rename his team. I’d be surprised if we got something like “Slow Dancing in a Bo Nix Room” from Brett. Or maybe Brett will make a deal that Mark can go back to his original name if Mark takes the cursed JK Dobbins off of his hands. Two weeks in and Brett got the full Dobbins experience. JK came up short when Brett needed him in Week 1 and then, in Week 2, JK got hurt. I think the lesson here is that Baltimore is the last stop for running backs; the last guy to leave the Ravens and do anything of note was probably Jamal Lewis, who had a couple thousand yard years in Cleveland two decades ago (not that it helped, those Browns teams still didn’t make the playoffs.) .

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

ELI vs. RAHUL - PICK: ELI / WiNNER: ELI
I nailed my two dud of the week picks as none of the four teams involved managed to hit triple digits this week. The only reason this matchup wasn’t a complete dud is because it caused Rahul to EXPLODE and threaten to stop paying attention to this league. It’s been a bloodbath for the man with the truest team name in the game; Who knew that AJ Brown going down in the first game of the year was a harbinger of things to come? Jordan Mason hit the IR, Chig Okonkwo missed Week 2, and then Alec Pierce and David Njoku went down on Sunday. Thank goodness Saquon Barkley came back from his injury or we might have lost Rahul for good. I feel like Rahul should be given a hardship IR spot; if Saquon does end up missing time, Rahul will have to drop one of his injured guys in order to start a full roster next week.
As for the Borts, I must give a hearty thank you to Eli who didn’t start Devaughn Vele, who I was starting in my two other leagues. Vele, of course, ended up being Eli’s WR1 this week. DFS players need to keep an eye on Eli’s Week 3 roster because if he benches Quentin Johnston (which he should after these first two stinkers), then it is a mortal lock that the Charger deep threat will connect for a touchdown or two. It’ll be interesting to see who Eli drops this week or if he continues to brazenly break the rules by having an active player in his IR spot.

DEREK vs. BERNIE - PICK: DEREK / WINNER: BERNIE
DEREK GOT SNAAAAAAAKED! It was going to take a huge effort from Jaxson Dart for Derek to stage a Monday Night comeback but the drama of the evening ended before NY’s first drive as Dart helped complete what has to be one of the most brutal weeks in NFL history. Do they keep track of most injuries in a week? This has to be up there.
Yurk isn’t the only guy who is going to keep an eye on stat corrections as I believe Bernie is currently clinging on to 9th highest score of the week by a mere .4 over Dana. Side note: Why is the Commish calling them Victory Points on the league page? Shouldn’t it be the other way around - a Points Victory? Or maybe call it a Roto Win? Calling it a “victory point” vs “an actual win” is just wrong. Might as well call it an Executive Victory.

THE REST

NATE vs JOHNNY - PICK: JOHNNY / WINNER: JOHNNY
Bouncing back from his week 1 trouncing. John earned a double-dub, which is actually a triple dub because he gets to reclaim his team name. Nate went another week without putting Zach Charbonnet in his IR spot but now it makes sense; he was keeping the spot open for Jayden Daniels. With Daniels down, Nate’s two top scorers are the immortal Greg Rousseau and his kicker Chase McLaughlin. Which probably means I need to spend my lobbying money elsewhere for next year’s No Kickers vote.

DANA vs. GRANT - NO PICK / WINNER: GRANT
Nico Collins’s absence did make this game closer but Grant was still able to pull out the victory and earn himself his second double-dub of the season. Grant is truly the KIRK COUSINS! of this league; people counted him out but here he is, undefeated and looking down at those two podcasters who mocked him so.
Dana is a stat correction away from getting a Point Victory Victory point, which is pretty damn impressive seeing as his team was able to muster up only one touchdown all week. (Combined, Grant and Dana only had one non-QB TD this week.) Ashton “Top 5” Jeanty came back down to Earth but the bigger issue is the QB position. Baker Mayfield should send flowers to Justin Herbert because everyone’s focusing on how poorly the Chargers are playing but the Buccaneers look just as cooked and Baker looks far worse than Herbert. I think two years ago was Baker’s peak and it is all downhill from here. I honestly wouldn’t blame Dana if he went back to Kyler Murray next week.
Also, I should apologize to Dana*, who clearly was onto something when he drafted Oronde Gadsden II, who is suddenly the last remaining healthy TE on the Chargers’ roster. Yurk is probably going to bid $50 for him.

* I should apologize but I won’t because who in their right mind is listening to me? I’ve never won shit in this league!

PLAYER #14 vs. MENDO - NO PICK / WINNER: PLAYER #14
When my team was racking up points last week, I couldn’t help but think of something my father used to say when a Boston team would win in a blowout, “They scored too much1 They won’t have any points left over for next game!” And boy, did that happen this week. My team really showed off their high ceiling / low floor in these two weeks. David Montgomery had three TDs in Week 1; he had six carries in Week 2. None of my non-QBs found the endzone and Jordan Love struggled to get his two TDs. Thank goodness he was playing the Jets - who are inexplicably incapable of picking off the QB - or he might have given back a TD’s worth of points in INTs.
While my team didn’t go from First to Worst; I face a fate even worse than last place. Player #14 - for his second week in a row - gets to come up with a new team name for his vanquished foe. Last week was John Mayer. This week will most likely be some kind of gay panic joke. Let’s make sure he doesn’t ever get another chance at this because the next “Weren’t the Aughts great?!” fad he’ll want to bring back is hipster racism.
(Right now, Player #14 is probably saying, “Gigi? What does ‘The Aughts’ mean?”)

ERIC vs COLIN - PICK: COLIN / WINNER: COLIN
A moment of silence for Eric. Or maybe a moment of screaming about Street Fighter to remind him of happier times. Eric’s team could only muster 56.8 points and he lost his main man Caleb Williams. He also learned why defensive linemen aren’t great in our league - Maxx Crosby was absolutely dominant but mustered up only 1 fantasy point. There was some beneficial injury news - Rico Dowdle got banged up, which means Jaylen Warren could become the main man in Pittsburgh. TreVeyon Henderson also showed off his breakaway speed this week. I like Henderson but he is the most feast or famine back I’ve ever seen. He either breaks a long run or gets absolutely demolished in the backfield.
Colin might have had the most unimpressive 139 point weekend because over half of his points came on Thursday night. In fact, his third highest scorer was Brandon Aubrey. (Yet another name to cross off the No Kickers potential swing vote list.) But that’s what makes this team scary; even a ho-hum game from most of his team can still carry him to one of the top scores of the week.

ANDY vs. BRENDAN - PICK: BRENDAN / WINNER: BRENDAN
Christian McCaffrey dominated Kaelon Black but that was about as good as it got for Andy this week. At least DJ Moore had an excuse for his poor showing. Trevor Lawrence is in his 6th season and still looks like a second year QB most of the time. Are Luther Burden and Rome Odunze just not that good? Kalif Raymond had more catches than them again. And I don’t know who Demond Claiborne is but even he managed to outscore Marvin Harrison Jr. Why doesn’t Arizona just trade Marv’s kid already? Nevermind catches and yards, he only had 1 TARGET this week!
While Brendan was able to nab two wins, there is a serious red flag in Atlanta. I was worried about Atlanta’s offense dragging down Bijan but that offense (and team overall) is worse than I expected. And I really don’t think Michael Penix is going to make that much of a difference.
Nonetheless, Brendan has earned the right to rename Andy’s team and I’m sure he’ll deliver a withering Kierkegaard reference that will shake our friendly neighborhood Slenderman to his core.

COSTCO’S EXECUTIVE PLATINUM TITANIUM TOP 9: Brendan, Andy, Colin, Johnny. Nico, Yurk, Jeff, Mendo, Brett (MISSED PICKS: Bernie, Grant)