Week 1 Results and Reactions

Not a great week for predictions as I’m underwater in both the heads up and top 9 calls but who cares when my team enters week 2 in first place!

GAME OF THE WEEK - BRENDAN vs. DANA
PICK: THEE GOSPEL / WINNER: THEE GOSPEL
I’d like to start off with an apology to Dana. A rule change I meant to put out there but forgot to was, in an 18 team league, we should draft a team at QB and you get any QB stats from the team rather than getting a specific QB and being SOL if your guy goes down. If that rule was in effect, Dana would have walked away with an easy victory. On the bright side for Dana, Ashton Jeanty made it look like Andy’s Top 5 prediction isn’t so crazy. I’d like to see him do it against a real NFL team but the usage, especially in the passing game, was impressive. On the flip side, De’Von* Achane could be in some trouble because this Dolphins team seems like it’s heading for an 0 - 16 season.
Somewhere in Burbank, Eli is SEETHING over Brendan’s lucky win. Stafford, Downs, and Warren should have better games but, even then, this feels like a low ceiling roster for Brendan and his only real hope of stepping up would be if his real life rooting interest - the Niners - suffer a major loss and Kaelon Black becomes the lead back.

*We need an athlete to popularize a new punctuation mark in their name. The unnecessary apostrophe like De’Von is played out. Maybe De*Von or De(Von). And was it an athlete who popularized that? I’ll never get over the impact that Jalen Rose’s mom had on the world when she coined that name.

UPSET OF THE WEEK - GRANT vs. JOHNNY
PICK: THE YEP NOTES / WINNER: THE YEP NOPES
Kenneth Walker III did his damndest but he couldn’t save Johnny from an upcoming name change. I called this upset but I did not see Johnny’s team failing to crack triple digits. Is there a chance that Justin Herbert just doesn’t have it? Johnny did have some positive performances from his bench guys Sadiq & Boston, and Romeo Doubs (despite having a horrible first game) should be the Patriots’ WR1 for the next month as AJ Brown recovers but this starting lineup walks out of Week 1 with a lot of ‘splainin’ to do.
Grant’s team heard the hate and used the 2nd to last place prediction as bulletin board material to nab a top three finish. And honestly, this might not be a fluke. The Commies seemed to really want to get Diggs the ball, Derrick Henry put to bed the “too old” fears, Dallas Goedert has the easiest schedule for TEs and if he gets banged up, Dalton Kincaid looked like he was primed for a breakout. Watson has already bumped Grant up to 12th place and we all know that Watson is never wrong!

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK - KEVIN vs. RAHUL
PICK: Gentleman in the Corner / WINNER: The Gentleman
Well, this was a dud in terms of competitiveness as this turned out to be the matchup between the highest and lowest scoring teams of the week. Rahul can at least brag about getting Patrick Mahomes for a steal. And this game really added injury to insult as AJ Brown went down and four other members of Rahul’s team head into Week 2 with the big red Q next to their name. Although Jordan Mason being banged up could be a blessing as it would make Aaron Jones the clear lead back and an easy Flex play. Year 2 of the Travis Hunter Experiment looks even worse than the first go-around but I believe Rahul is due another point for that one tackle Hunter managed to get on defense. I hate to say it but Watson dumped Rahul all the way to last place and AI might have gotten that one right.
BUT HOW ABOUT THAT GENTLEMAN?! In my typical New England curmudgeonly fashion, I did spend much of the Sunday bemoaning that I let Derek outbid me for Christian Watson and I ran out of roster spots (I should have stuck to my guns that Marshawn Lloyd isn’t that good) and didn’t have room for my sleeper Devaughn Vele but besides that, what a week! I don’t think Jordan Love is a good QB but with no Josh Jacobs, he’s going to have to throw a lot. (And when Jacobs comes back, well, I have him too!) David Montgomery’s 3 yards per carry wasn’t impressive but I just need him to get the red zone yards and it’ll be enough. Quinshon Judkins was disappointing but the Jags have a good defense and I feel like that could be Cleveland’s worst game of the season. I’m a little worried about Michael Wilson; I knew he could outperform Marvin Harrison Jr. but I forgot that Kendrick Bourne signed with Arizona and apparently, he is an All-Pro wideout whenever he gets to play with a former Patriots QB. Mac Jones last year and now Jacoby. But i still think he’ll be serviceable.
And who is scoffing at Isaiah Likely now?! This is probably the high water mark for my team but after a weekend of nothing but losing in Vegas, it’s nice to walk away with $50 for the weekly high score in Week 1.

ELI vs. BERNIE
PICK: THE BORTS / WINNER: Ktttssss!!!
Somewhere Denny Green is yelling, “The Borts are who we thought they were.” And they almost weren’t the Borts anymore, just sneaking in under the 50 point name change threshold. Oh the fun Bernie could have had with that one. Apologies to Eli for saying that Yurk was the reigning champ. The Fighting Borts hold that title even if they are the consensus last place team and just put up just 71 points, which has to be the worst opening week from a defending champ. Which had me thinking, to get in the Hall of Fame usually means one is retired and well past their glory days and maybe that’s what we’re seeing with Eli. It was a great run but now we’re just kind of wheeling him out there for nostalgia’s sake, pretending he still has his fastball like they do with David Lee Roth or Mitch McConnell.
As for his roster, Quentin Johnston didn’t go full Gabe Davis but he managed to avoid a big game despite playing the Cardinals and having Ladd McConkey go down with an injury. Omarion Hampton showed flashes but he lost more carries to Keaton Mitchell than I expected. George Pickens will have better days; Brian Thomas Jr. might not (and is already banged up again.) The Borts did excel in one area - they had the second most points on the bench this week.
Bernie survived bad outings from the Drakes (Bernie thought he got Cooper Rush out of his life when the Ravens got rid of him) to earn what he would declare to be a bad win since he was not one of the top 9 scorers of the week. Internet experts are hurtling themselves off of the Bhayshul Tuten bandwagon but it’s hard to glean anything from that week 1 blowout (besides Brian Thomas Jr. still not being very good at football anymore.) Trey McBride is a beast, Chuba Hubbard seems like he should carry the weight for the Panthers, and Chris Olave is legit as long as he can stay healthy (which he struggled to do at times on Sunday.) I’m not sure I’d say that Bernie is a contender but he should avoid being one of the Four Failures who don’t make the second season. (There’s gotta be a better name for the four teams that don’t make the playoffs. The Queef Quartet?)

BREAKING NEWS! We have just learned that Denny Green was not somewhere yelling because he’s apparently been dead for over a decade. More on this when details become available.

PLAYER #14 vs. MARK
PICK: THE SHOCKMASTERS / WINNER: VANCEINYOURPANTS
Player #14 admonished us all for not listening to Ben Johnson and bidding more on D’Andre Swift and it looks like he was, as with his politics, righter than right. Jeff not only picked up a double win this week but he also gets to put to bed the question on everyone’s mind “What the hell is The Shockmasters?” as his big win gives him the power to rename Mark’s team. Mark just needed like 10 points from the Nix/Waddle stack to avoid the ignominy of being rebranded by The Veep but good lord did they suck. The one QB rule is going to hurt Mark a bit as Bo’s schedule in the upcoming weeks looks full of more growing pains for Nix and new OC Davis Webb. You can’t drop Bo but you definitely can’t be excited about starting him. Mark did manage to be the only team to score more bench points than Eli but Monday brought news of Jalen Coker in a walking boot. This is to go along with McConkey’s chest injury and Dylan Sampson - a popular late round Best Ball pick of mine - looking like he’s going to miss “significant time”.
Player #14’s big week was even more impressive seeing as James Cook didn’t do much, Jake Ferguson did nothing, and Dak Prescott was fairly pedestrian. The only negative of the week was Zay Flowers re-injuring his hamstring. Word is that he’s day-to-day but this feels like one of those injuries that is going to keep popping up throughout the season and the Veep’s bench is lacking in legit WR options.

DEREK vs. JUSTIN
PICK: SADAT X / WINNER: Clay Says Shiit Shiiiiiiiiiiiit
Travis Kelce’s big reception put Yurk over the top and put him in the lead for a second mea culpa awards as I thought his team was terrible and they were one of the top scorers of the week. Jameson Williams didn’t help out much with some ugly drops and a generally terrible game. Lamar and Taylor carried Yurk to the double dub but I’m not sure how many weeks he can win when his IDP players outscore his three WRs.
Derek got a bad beat but walks away with one victory due to our new scoring system. Despite Chase’s bad opening Sunday, I think he and Watson could be the best WR duo in the league. Which they’ll have to be since I’m not wild about Etienne and Love. Jeremiyah looked good but Allgeier got more than his fair share of carries and James Connor is looming on the IR. Kendre Miller getting a red zone TD is a major red flag for Travis. It’s going to be interesting to see what the backfield split is when Alvin Kamara comes back. Sadat X should comfortably make the playoffs but Jaxson Dart will have to be a top 5 QB for him to be a true contender. At the very least, he is by no means the WORST team in the league as one lanky podcaster declared.

BRETT vs COLIN
PICK: K-KEL / WINNER: UNCLE RICO
Brett got an early look at life with JK Dobbins. He rarely comes up big, too often cedes red zone possessions, and even when he is good, you can’t sell high on him because nobody else believes that he can keep it up. The new scoring system gives Brett a little solace as he walks away with a Top 9 dub but I feel like his roster is going to be a pain in the ass. Which Eagle to start - Wicks or Smith - could become annoying. Matthew Golden is also part of an offense that spreads the ball around more than a fantasy owner would like. Kenny Gainwell seemed like the clear #2 back in Tampa and let me tell you, as talented as Breece Hall is, it sucks relying on the Jets offense. Still, 147 points without Brock Bowers is nothing to sneeze at. It was a great week for K-Kel even if they didn’t get the win.
Uncle Rico is back! Josh Allen, Javonte Williams, and Amon-Ra St. Brown have a chance to be the top scorers at their position. I wouldn’t bet on Javonte but he’s a rare workhorse who gets red zone carries in a (supposedly) high scoring offense. Even on a lackluster night for the offense, he came away with 21.7 points. The Flex spot is the main weakness. I wouldn’t want to rely on a Steelers back but there’s nobody on the bench better than the Uncle’s namesake Dowdle. Still, Uncle Rico is a stat correction or two away from being the #1 scorer of the week so full steam ahead!

NATE vs. NICO
PICK: BABYTOWN FROLICS / WINNER: BABYTOWN FROLICS
Greg Rousseau! Despite completely botching the position at the draft, Nate’s IDPs were the stars of his squad. Terry McLaurin should have better days but Kyle was yet again the Pitts and this just doesn’t seem like a team that’s going to finish in the Top 9 very often.
Nico was right to spend big on Gibbs but I absolutely hate the WR decisions he has to face each week. Courtland Sutton seems boom or bust with so many mouths to feed in Denver now. Wan’dale Robinson shouldn’t have left New York (I’m not sure which apostrophe is worse De’Von Achane’s or Wan’Dale’s. The real answer is minor leaguer Tre’ Morgan but that’s a discussion for another day.) The bench of Reed, Addison, and Deebo is talented but also a complete crapshoot from week to week. As for Tony Pollard, there’s no question about whether he should start or not but we may be a few weeks away from wondering if he should be on the bench at all.

ANDY vs. ERIC
PICK: PIZZA BEANS / WINNER: ONE SHADY MOTHA
Just like everyone predicted years ago, Caleb Williams vs. Trevor Lawrence is an elite QB matchup. This is a worrisome loss for Eric as he barely mustered 100 points despite getting 41 from Caleb. Almost 2/3s of his points came from Caleb and two IDP players. Puka should be better and I have to imagine Dicker the Kicker won’t have many more two point days but the rest of this roster isn’t inspiring and there isn’t much help coming from the bench.
Wooster tooted his own horn and called his team the 4th best in the league and while he didn’t live up to that billing, he still did nab one win this week. And Bucky Irving silenced a lot of critics in week 1 while DJ Moore showed what a true #1 WR can do with Josh Allen. But I still maintain that Christian McCaffrey isn’t going to earn his keep - especially if the Niners use their heads and split carries with Kaelon Black to try to keep McCaffrey healthy for the playoffs. Luther Burden mustered up 7 points in a game that saw Chicago put up 59. Mark Andrews looked old and I’m not sure he has a bounceback campaign in him. Andy inexplicably has two IDP guys on his bench but at least it makes it easier to drop someone this week. Arizona pulled off a massive upset and Marvin Harrison was the 5th option but at least Jonathon Brooks is a nice stash since Chuba’s always a bit banged up. I’m going to say that Eli or Watson are probably closer to being right about this team than the boastful Top 4 finish but stranger things have happened.

WEEK 1 RECORD: 4 - 5
COSTCO’S EXECUTIVE PLATINUM TITANIUM TOP 9 RECORD: 4 -5 (Brendan, Dana, Grant, Johnny, Eli, Nico, Mark, Derek, Player #14)