New Things #11: The Beekeeper

Everybody knows heading into “The Beekeeper” that it’s going to be dumb.

Admittedly, I’m not the audience for “The Beekeeper” but since I got an Alamo Drafthouse season pass (which should help me reach my goal of 240 new things in ‘24), I’m checking out more movies this year and also rolling the dice on more movies that I usually would just skip. But “The Beekeeper” was what I thought it was.

One of my least favorite genres is the well-made B-movie. I feel like this genre was inspired by early Quentin Tarantino but the difference between Tarantino and others is that QT elevated B-movies and attempted to make well-written versions of the genre films he loved. The one exception being “Death Proof”; that is a film that mimicked the leaden scripts of 70s schlock films and, sadly for me, that seems to be the path most filmmakers follow.

So I say again, everybody knows heading into “The Beekeeper” that it’s going to be dumb.

Where the film lost me is that it truly is just a bad movie. Kurt Wimmer - the man who scripted the worst Mila Jovavich movie (“Ultraviolet”), the worst Expendables movie, and the uninspired remakes of “Total Recall”, “Point Break”, and “Children of the Corn” - almost seems to be parodying himself and his infamously leaden dialogue by giving Jason Statham one dull quip after another in fight scenes. I’m not sure if Statham has a single line of dialogue that an actual person would say. There’s an inexplicable amount of bad expository dialogue - much of it redundant - that makes it seem like Wimmer just watched a nature documentary about bees, became enamored with it, and was more interested in sharing what he learned about bees than writing an action script. I’m pretty sure the b-story following two FBI agents could be cut completely and not affect the movie at all. You should take their presence at the start of a scene as a sign that it’s a good time to go to the bathroom.

There are some moments of So Dumb, It’s Funny, but like Eli Roth’s film “Thanksgiving”, this movie seems to understand that it’s not a good movie but still spends way too much time playing it straight. It doesn’t commit to being gonzo. David Ayer’s direction almost seems like it’s not in on the joke. There are some crazy action moments but, in general, there’s really nothing clever at all about the film. It’s like Ayer and Wimmer watched “The Accountant” and thought, “Let’s make something like that but more expensive and WAY dumber.” (“The Accountant” is more my speed and if you haven’t seen it, I’d recommend checking it out. It’s a quality genre movie.)

Yes, everybody knows heading into “The Beekeeper” that it’s going to be dumb but my hope was that the film wouldn’t be lazy and, instead, “The Beekeeper” feels like they had a few scenes and ideas they liked and said, “We’ll fix those other scenes later” and then on the day of the shoot said, “Oh, shit, we forgot to fix up these scenes. Whatever. Everybody knows this is going to be dumb” and just kind of half-assed it. Maybe everything surrounding the “Suicide Squad” wore on David Ayer and he decided to just make a movie to relax and blow off some steam. Nobody feels committed. Even Josh Hutcherson and Jeremy Irons’s scene-chewing performances feel uninspired. Hutcherson’s haircut does most of the work for him.

But, again, I’m not the audience for this film.

If you’re someone who appreciates bad movies, this probably has enough for you to enjoy. You’ll forget it immediately - Jeremy Irons is a key player in the film and I already can’t remember what happens to his character in the end - but you’ll laugh out loud a few times and shake your head at much of what is projected on screen. But I think everyone will leave the theater thinking that there was a better bad, smarter dumb movie to be had here and the fillmmakers didn’t make the most of the opportunity.

Everybody knows heading into “The Beekeeper” that it’s going to be dumb and they’ll leave thinking the film is just that.

SIDE NOTE: The Alamo Drafthouse didn’t do the film any favors by starting things off with this PSA that sets a very high bar for gonzo.