Week 1 Predictions

GAME OF THE WEEK

BRENDAN vs. DANA
We all know who Eli is rooting for in this one. Eli’s favorite member of the league vs. his arch nemesis is a hell of a way to kick off the season as I think both of these teams are going to walk away with at least one win as they both should put up Top 9 scores for the week. So who gets the heads-up dub?
Obviously, JSN’s big game gives Brendan the edge but this is possibly the worst week to face Dana as it could be the high water mark for both Jeanty and Achane. Egbuka gets a plus matchup and I think Kyler should be able to muster up a reasonable day despite the fact that Green Bay and Minnesota will likely be a run-heavy game.
The question for this matchup is: How good is the AFC North? The Ravens SHOULD have a good defense but they certainly didn’t live up to the hype last year. Will the Steelers still be able to defy the odds and play over their heads now that Mike Tomlin is gone? My guess is that both teams might focus on stopping the run, which is bad for Brendan’s main man Bijan Robinson but good for his two Colts as the focus on Jonathan Taylor could open up Downs and Warren for big games. I’m most confident betting the Over on this one but for the matchup dub, I’m going to give the nod to the dark side and THEE GOSPEL.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

GRANT vs. JOHNNY
Wednesday night proved that the biggest fear surrounding Jadarian Price is true - no matter how wide the talent gap may be, the Seahawks are going to split carries between their RBs. Even worse, I feel like Price was off the field for most of Seattle’s red zone plays. That being said, it’s tough to pick against Johnny’s big guns this week. The only fear for Justin Herbert is that the Cardinals are so bad that it becomes a blowout early, limiting his pass attempts. CeeDee Lamb should have a big game against the G-Men. The Niners’ secondary isn’t good so Davante Adams should feast down under.
But we all know that Johnny brings out the best in his opponents and Grant’s team already looked like they were heading towards a Top 9 finish. Some “experts” are still holding the Saints’ defense in high regard but they lost three starters in the secondary so I think Jared Goff can have himself a day. Derrick Henry should find running room against the Colts. When was the last time Cincy had a reasonable defense? I think Chris Godwin is ready and able to prove that it’s not this year. Philly’s strong secondary might actually help Stefon Diggs as Terry McLaurin could struggle to get open against Quinyon Mitchell. I feel like Washington is also a go spot for TEs so Dallas Goedert might hit the ground running. I’ve gone back and forth on this one but I think I’m ready to pull the trigger and say that the consensus 2nd worst team in the league is going to take down the supposed best team in the league this year in another Johnny Points Against special. A yay for The Yep Nopes.

BATTISTA’S DUD OF THE WEEK

KEVIN vs. RAHUL
In high school, Kevin’s freshman basketball coach wrote of him, “Kevin is adept at diagnosing what people are doing wrong and then going out and doing worse.” Sadly, that has been a truism for much of Mendo’s life. Never more so than this draft in which the #1 priority was to not draft players from bad teams. It honestly would have been hard to fail harder at that.
What’s even crazier is that these are bad teams don’t even seem to have a lot of good matchups? They certainly don’t in Week 1.
But my BOLD PREDICTION for this game is that if Rahul doesn’t need a new QB before the game, he’ll need one after it. KC’s line is in shambles; playing Patrick Mahomes is malpractice. The best thing for both the Chiefs and Rahul is ruling Mahomes out. Rahul would be able to pick up Baker Mayfield, who has a much better matchup than Patty.
I have a feeling that this could be the lowest scoring matchup of the week as nobody on Rahul’s team outside of Saquon jumps out at me. Carnell Tate gets the Jets but he’s coming off of a preseason in which he didn’t get a catch in three games.
In the end, this is still Kevin’s alter-ego writing this and he needs to have faith in himself so we’re going to roll with THE GENTLEMAN IN THE CORNER but I don’t see either of these teams picking up a Top 9 win.

THE REST

ELI vs. BERNIE
When it comes to preseason picks, this one is a blowout as nobody has much faith in Eli. Bernie isn’t quite the belle of the ball but he’s a contender. But the matchups kind of favor Eli in this one with Hampton and Johnston facing the woeful Cardinals while Bernie got to watch whatever the actual fuck Drake Maye was doing with those three picks.
It’s not easy picking Eli when he’s starting Brian Thomas Jr. while the unwanted Tucker Kraft might be on a snap count as he comes back from injury but I feel like this is a good week to face the snake. Side note - What does ESPN have against Payton Wilson? I think he scored under 4 points once last year and they give him one of the lowest projections I’ve seen for an IDP player. Trey and Chuba will do their best to keep it close but we’re going with the The Fighting Borts to pick up two wins this week.

PLAYER #14 vs. MARK
This is yet another matchup that isn’t really loaded with tasty matchups except for a Charger facing the Cards. Ladd McConkey could get off to a hot start and I also am kind of liking the Nix/Waddle stack - fired up after being ASSAILED on the podcast - to show out in Week 1. I think Chase Brown is going to have to show something for Mark to grab a two win weekend but I think The Shockmasters will deliver a matchup win against everyone’s favorite conservative.

DEREK vs. JUSTIN
ESPN has Derek as the third highest point getter this week but outside of Dart and Chase, I’m not loving it. Jeremiyah Love sitting would help out as it would give Allgeier the lion’s share of the carries against the Chargers but is that enough to land a top 9 finish? You’ll notice that I’m focusing on the point totals here because, well, Yurk? More like YUCK! amirite? Sadat X will start his worst-to-first campaign with a W against the reigning champ.

BRETT vs COLIN
Maybe I just don’t like anything anymore. Yet another matchup that has a lot of red flags. Cleveland sucks but their defense is still solid without Myles Garrett so that’s not a layup for the Jags. I think the Hurts/Smith stack should put up points but now Bowers is missing a slam dunk matchup against the lowly Dolphins. How much can Houston’s top ranked defense slow down Josh Allen? Enough to complement Javonte and Amon-Ra? I’m going to say not enough and roll with K-KEL INC’s supporting cast to bring home the W.

NATE vs. NICO
So Nate come back to the league, brings a great attitude to the draft, and is rewarded by being lashed at for side conversations during the draft and then accused of faking an allergy so he’d have to eat two strawberry moon pies over one chocolate one, which is bizarre since Eli could have easily bought a full-sized Vanilla or Banana Moon Pie to avoid the alleged allergy. Normally, I wouldn’t even acknowledge this kind of bullshit propaganda put forth by the podcast but it’s probably better than talking about Nate’s team this week. The palindrome pals Cam and Mac might be able to do something but I think the rest of the squad faces an uphill climb. Technically, Nabers has a decent matchup against Dallas but I don’t think he’s healthy.
Nico is beloved by the algos. Both ESPN and FantasyPros have him as a top scoring team of the week but I feel like Purdy is gonna get spanked by the Rams, the Lions’ passing attack might do more damage this week than Gibbs, and I’ve never been able to figure out when Courtland Sutton is going to show up. Still, even though I have to say that I don’t like picking a team that sounds like a Jeffrey Epstein musical, Babytown Frolics are probably the way to go. And I’ll even bend a knee to my AI overlords and toss Nico in the top 9 for shits and giggles.

ANDY vs. ERIC
The Mendo Overthinks It move of the week is to sit Rome Odunze for Makai Lemon. The common sense move of the week would have been to move TreVeyon Henderson into the IR spot but has anyone told Eric that there’s an IR spot?
The only guy on Andy’s roster with a matchup I like is Bucky Irving, who could be a bit better than usual this week since Sean Tucker is nursing a hamstring injury. I have zero shares of Bucky in my Best Ball drafts which means he has a shot at being a top running back this year.
But after being besmirched by the pod. Jaylen Warren could have his revenge as he faces arguably the worst defensive line in the NFL. And I like Puka’s odds of breaking out much better than C-Mac’s so I’m giving this one to Pizza Beans.

And we have a late breaking development; a new sponsor has arrived to the blog so I’m proud to announce our new benefactor for each week’s Top 9 winner.

COSTCO’S EXECUTIVE PLATINUM TITANIUM TOP 9
Brendan, Dana, Grant, Johnny, Eli, Nico, Mark, Derek, Player #14